I'm sorry but...

[PamNY]

The phrase "I'm sorry but..." sends me over the edge. Anyone else? It used to seem that only women said this, but now I've heard/seen it more and more from men.

I don't know why this perturbs me so much. I suppose it relates to the idea that women need to soften negative or critical comments.

I usually don't fret over trivia and I certainly don't whine about it online. But I'm consumed with curiosity over whether others are bothered by this.

[Melalvai]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

[ny biker]

I never notice anyone saying it.

[pll]

I've heard it many times, in different versions. I think it tries to soften what comes next, to defuse the confrontation aspect, and some people make a habit of it. When I was a grad student, there was faculty member known to preface all criticism with a compliment. The more complimentary his initial comment was, the worse the disemboweling of the speaker would be...

[gnat23]

Heh, kinda reminds me of when I hear "I don't mean to sound racist, but..." followed by something particularly racist.

-- gnat!

[lph]

Depending on how it's said, it can sound very self-righteous. Because when someone busts out, not sounding sorry at all, with a loud and indignant "I'm sorry, but...!" it sort of comes out more like "Well, I'm sorry that I have to be pushed to say this, because Lord knows I don't want to say anything bad about anyone, and I'm usually a kind and considerate person, but this behaviour is just so atrocious that I have to comment on it, you know someone has to stand up for what's right here, even though I'm going to sound mean and inconsiderate..."

I know some of those . Sorry is a pretty easy word to hear the way it's meant...

[Aggie_Ama]

Heh, kinda reminds me of when I hear "I don't mean to sound racist, but..." followed by something particularly racist.

-- gnat!

I know this person! "I don't want to sound racist but I need to find a new apartment complex because there are too many...." Don't worry, you are racist ma'dear.

And Irulan hit it dead on. To me it is the same thing as the person who has an excuse for every shortcoming they have. When I was still in a supervisor role nothing could get you on my watch list quicker than never owning up to anything. I am so glad I don't manage people anymore!

[pll]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

I read it differently. The "bless his heart" is typically used behind someone's back and I find it condescending (bless his heart, he is does not know any better). The "I'm sorry but" can be used more face to face.

[kacie tri-ing]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

I soon as I read the title, I thought of "bless his heart."

[kacie tri-ing]

Oh, to add, I am a southerner, and the way "bless his heart" is said in a bad way is....(And yes there is a good way and a bad way to say those same three words).

He's not too bright....."bless his heart" as if that cancels the bad thing you just said.

[Irulan]

"I'm sorry, but I can't find the request you sent for information for your supervisor's mid-year evaluation. Could you resend that request so I know what to give you?"

Seriously, what's wrong with that? "I'm sorry, but..." is a perfectly good phrase if you use it when you really ARE sorry about what you're about to say,

That is true.( but) It's all about the disclaimer that might follow the "...but". This is turning into a huge semantics discussion

I'm sorry I didn't pick up any beer, but you drink too much anyway.
I'm sorry I didn't come to dinner, but your friends are a bunch of jerks.
I'm sorry I cheated on you, but I'm not getting what I need.

etc.

[Aggie_Ama]

I am southern too and we say "bless his heart" as an insult. Like "bless his heart he is nice but not too bright". One day I was having the worst morning: spilled coffee on myself, tripped and bruised my leg, something else. My mom sent me a text "well bless your pea picking heart". I laughed so hard I put it under my mouse pad at work (have one with a clear cover). The bless his heart reminded me of it.

[shootingstar]

Probably said way more often by people than I realize.

But then, in light of bigger stuff, to me, not worth frettin'.

I'm a more direct person and I know for certain this can bug some folks. So hope not to fall into "I'm sorry" trap.

Maybe better focus on finding a good thing to say to someone after delivering a more negative comment? Someone said to me that complimenting a person is tougher than..finding negative stuff to say these days.