Relationship/trust probs...

[Like2bike2]

I know a lot of people on this forum so I created a new account before posting.

Question for those of you who are married: what would you think if you found out your husband had filled out a profile on a "swinger's" website? Well, mine did several months ago and I am furious! He said he signed up because he was curious but never did anything. That sounds like load of BS to me and I just can't get over it. I don't trust him and now he's headed to Las Vegas for a work trip and all I can think about are the hookers and strippers there.

Some background: our relationship has been pretty rocky lately (married 6 years). Even so, I can't imagine why someone would use that as a reason to cheat.

I posted on this site because there are a lot of nice, "normal" women and I value your opinion and advice. He has shrugged this off and gets mad whenever I bring it up. Um, hello- I have every reason to be mad.

I have caught my husband lying a lot over the years and I am having a hard believing him now.

[Grog]

Counseling?

[owlice]

I'm sorry.

Sounds like it's definitely time for counseling, both individual (for you, at least, even if he won't consider it) and marriage, if he will consent to go. I suspect he will not go, but please consider it for yourself so that you have some clarity when you make your decisions.

Think hard about what you will really want if you find out he's been cheating. You do not need to act too quickly (as I did when I found out about my husband's affair).

And is there any way that you can go to Las Vegas with him? (I don't want an answer to this; just putting it out there so you can think about it.)

[KnottedYet]

He has shrugged this off and gets mad whenever I bring it up. Um, hello- I have every reason to be mad.

I have caught my husband lying a lot over the years and I am having a hard believing him now.

A little time apart might be good. I was in a similar-ish situation once, and being in the same house made it very hard to think straight. You packing up you and yours and going to a relative's or friend's for that week isn't going to change his behaviour (if he's a cheater, he'll cheat whether you are there or not). And it won't change what-ever he is planning to do in Vegas.

But it might give you a bit of clear space to think, and a little support with the little details of life while you think.

(And it keeps you from stewing quite so much in your concern about what he's doing while he's gone.)

Sent you a PM to this account.

[Tuckervill]

That's just horrible, and would be a deal breaker for me. Take evasive action. Don't have sex with him. Get your money together--whether it's a savings account in your own name or whatever you can do--just put some money aside for yourself in case you do find out he's been cheating. The lying is not going to change in my opinion. If he'd keep this from you, what else is he hiding? Don't give him any more of your life than is necessary.

I really hope there are not kids involved. I feel for you.

Karen

[channlluv]

I don't really have any advice for you. I know how heartbroken I think I'd feel in your place, but until you walk in someone's shoes, it's really hard to offer up any guidance. I do send hugs, though, and I think Tucker and Knot both offer good advice borne of experience, and that's the best kind.

Roxy

[Trek420]

I don't have any advice, it's hard to know what to do, what will work for another person. I do send hugs. Lots of wisdom here on this board, Knott and others here are very wise.

Yes, his saying he registered on a swingers sounds like total BS. If he's curious there are books on the subject. If he's so curious go read about it and talk to YOU.

But doing this behind your back, that's not good.

I've never been in the same situation, been lied to in a relationship yes but not the same as this. However I can imagine how I'd feel if this happened to me and I'd be pretty ticked off.

What others have said I'd make sure that you're financially and emotionally safe.

[Like2bike2]

No kids yet- he wants them but I can't imagine having a child and then something happens...and I am left alone raising it. No bueno.

I have a couple "exit strategies" in place should I need to leave.

I told him it's either counseling or it's off.

[aeiea]

I totally agree with the other posters here. Counseling would be very helpful.

However, I do want to provide a second perspective. Living in fairly liberal places, I know people (myself included) who are or used to be in "swinging" relationships, others in open relationships... this works for some couples well. Celebrities like Dolly Parton and Sting partake in this. One can argue both ways when it comes to polyamory vs monogamy, but both (all) parties need to honestly discuss and embrace whichever the partnership has agreed upon, even if it changes.

Note that you know your husband most, and the fact that he's lied in the past about other things does not bode well on his part. Worse, that he's shrugging it off... is he embarrassed? Or does he want to avoid an argument? Or does he not care to discuss the topic with you?

There are many reasons why people would cheat. Sometimes it's due to the relationship. Other times it's due to the fact that it makes them feel good about themselves, even though they are hurting the person they should be caring about most. I never understood it, and I don't think I will.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and many hugs. Looks like you have a strong plan in mind.

[salsabike]

Like2bike2, I'm sorry. It's painful stuff.

I don't usually post about people's personal stuff because I often don't know the person well enough to feel qualified to comment. But.

Lying is an absolute, not a relative, problem. I think that's really fair and accurate to say. I don't think habitual lying and good relationships can ever go together. Integrity matters.

I am really sorry. You will get through this and come out the other side---that's not always easy to remember when you're in the midst...but you will.

[teigyr]

Ok, this is against my better judgment!

I am married. If I found out my husband did this, I would ask him why. An appropriate answer is not curiosity. An appropriate answer would be what was truly going on with him. Then we would decide, between the two of us, if there was any point in pursuing our marriage. If he did not want to participate in this discussion, then it would be my decision to make and I would move on with my life. He could, perhaps, come along but he would have to actually communicate instead of doing things behind my back.

I don't know where you live but my guess is there are a lot of hookers and strippers there too...though they might be slightly cheaper and a LOT more convenient.

Integrity matters, as Salsabike said. I think we all goof up in our lives but those goof-ups are more to do with accidentally leaving your shoes in the living room. You don't accidentally sign up for a swingers website.

Oh and I also think relationships aren't a reason why people cheat. Anyone who truly wants to cheat can come up with lots of fine reasons why they should. A person who won't cheat, won't. They might end their marriage if it isn't working but they will do that before they actually betray someone.

[Mr. Bloom]

Like: I hope you don't mind me chiming in here.

I have nothing to say that will justify what he's done. Trust is precious and if you can't completely trust someone, you can't trust them at all. On the otherhand, the worst thing that one spouse can do to another in a situation like this is to place the offending spouse in a "fishbowl" inspecting their every movement (please research the psychological concept of "projective identification").

I like what teigyr says and I think counseling is best.

I also encourage you to evaluate your emotions on this; many in this situation would feel "hurt", but "furious" is a much stronger emotion that indicates to me that counseling and reconciliation may be beneficial.

If you both want to work this out, please don't assume that the issues are "one way" in the relationship; if you both don't want to work this out, then counseling isn't going to work.

I wish you the best in sorting this out.

[indigoiis]

It would be over. Not worth fixing. But that's just me.

[Trek420]

Ok, this is against my better judgement but it would not hurt to get yourself tested for HIV. You say he's got a pattern of dishonesty, seems to be at least toying with the idea of infidelity. Hate to mention this but if there's a tendency to lie about some things has he actually done anything?

Whether the marriage continues or you move on this is one thing you gotta know.

[sfa]

I have caught my husband lying a lot over the years and I am having a hard believing him now.

I think that line is the most telling from your post. This isn't just about his interest in swingers--that in itself could be anything from what he says it is, just curiosity, to something that endangers not just your marriage but also your health. And I could even understand him wanting to hide it from you--it's not a curiosity most people would be proud of. But it sounds like there's a history in your marriage of lying, and that has eroded the trust that is absolutely necessary in a marriage, so you're left in this situation where what he's doing could possibly really be no big deal (curiosity) and could possibly be a really really big deal and you have absolutely no way of knowing which one it is because you can't trust him to tell the truth about it. And THAT is a really really big deal.

It's up to you to decide if it's worth fixing. Counseling for yourself would be the first step, and marriage counseling as well. It will probably be a long and difficult road, and no guarantee that things will get better in the end. Honestly, if I were in your situation with no kids and a history of problems, I'd be inclined to cut my losses and leave, but I'd want to try counseling first to see what comes up--it's entirely possible that I'd find out that *I'm* the problem--someone with control and trust issues (not saying that's you--I'm saying that would be ME in all likelihood) and I'd want to know that either to save my marriage or to head into a new relationship with a better understanding of myself.

You also asked what we would think if we found out our husband had filled out a profile on a swingers website. For my relationship with my DH, I'd think "ewww" but it wouldn't go any further than that because I do trust him, and he has been honest with me throughout our relationship, both in little and big things, so if he told me it was curiosity, I'd believe him. I'm not saying he's perfect, and I know he lies about some things (everyone does) but not about anything important--and by important, in a strong relationship that means important to BOTH people. Even if your DH thinks something isn't a big deal, if it is to you, then it should be to him too.

Sarah