parenting dilemma

[Iris616]

I have a 6 year old daughter who is "graduating" kindergarten this friday. The note sent home indicates the children should wear their "Sunday best". we went shopping tonight, since she doesn't own any "SB".

For some reference point,She is an incredible tomboy and only wears "boy clothes", which I am fine with. So we headed to the boys section of the store. She promptly picked out a brown pinstriped pants suit with a blue shirt and a tie. (I was expecting a pair of khakis and a dress shirt.) This is my dilemna- do I let her wear the boys suit?

What if other people comment negatively, and it crushes her? She was so happy when she tried it on, smiling from ear to ear. I'm really worried that she's reaching the age when people will start to be cruel about her appearence, and this seems like it could really hurt her in the end.

But, If I stear her away from it, toward something more gender neutral, am I doing her a disservice?

Have other parents had similar situations? Like a son who wanted to carry a purse or paint their nails? Or, has any one here been in my daughters situation? If so, what do you suggest?

I have a sense that this is one of those parenting moments that could really effect her future, for better or worse.

[Miranda]

I say... let her wear it!

OK, this is from the mother of a ToyBoy (11yo now). And from a former, and still am to a degree, ToyBoy mom.... plus one with a BGF whose DS wears a dress!

If and when peeps go to comment on her outfit, just smile and say loud & proud, "...DD picked this outfit out herself... she's so proud of it!...".

I mean, what are they gonna do? Beat up on a sweet little girl whose proud of her decisions? Beat up on a mom whose confident enough in the "big picture of life" to love her child regardless of society's norms and appearances? IF someone does... umm, their op is not worth hearing anyway imho.

Any teacher my kids have had, that has been worth anything, knows about the gender identification issues children go through in development. I think the point of the note is that they want the children dressed nicely. But to me, I don't know that I really like that as a mom either.

What if the family did not have $ to buy dressy clothes?

My inlaws are traditional in their beliefs and church. DD going to church with them has always been a freakin nightmare. I got to the point where I'd tell my DMIL to buy a dress, store it at her house, and put it on DD (& be the one to struggle with her) when she took her to church. Or sometimes they'd end up staying home from church over the fight and tears that went with the dress and tights. Like that was what God really wanted. Sorry... getting off my soap box there.

But, my point in that is the same about your DD boy suit.

On the teasing... we had a shrink give this advice once...

Just let the kid wear the whatever to school etc. If two different colored shoes are "in". Then fine. If another peer makes fun of the shoes being diff, then that will be the end of it. My op is that if the *worst* thing my kid does is wear clothing that is outta the society norm, die their hair purple, or whatever the like... I will have parenting life kicked in the azz. Versus kid being in jail, drug rehab, etc.

Maybe you should get DD a lapel corsage for the occasion? If I was going, I'd buy it for her as a present.

Good Luck!

[MartianDestiny]

Not a particularly easy scenario to be sure.

My prospective (as a 23 yr. old that could easily be called tomboy, but not a parent!)

Worst case scenario if she wears the suit she picked out: The other kids/the bully picks fun at her a bit (is it really that bad in kindergarden now adays?). Mommy steps in with some good parenting and all is likely well (other than her disliking the other kid).

Worst case scenario if you try to steer her away from something she picked out with you: Starting down the path of her believing you are trying to make her something she is not.

IMO, far worse she believes it's you that wants to change her than her peers.

I was the brunt of every joke and sly comment from elementary school through freshman year of high school (when they learned I was smart and would help with homework if they weren't arse holes to me). Yea, the middle school years were tough (as they are on all pre-teens), but I had parents who supported me for who I was and a few good, close friends (not necessarily my age). That was far better for me, IMO, than trying to be forced towards society's norms when I clearly didn't care.

That's just my experience. At 23 I will now buy and wear a skirt of my own accord on extreme rare occasion (3-4 times a year). All of my business cloths/suits are pants based. My stepmother tried to get me in a skirt suit once; I whipped out my chainring scars and asked what my soon-to-be colleagues would think of them. She quickly conceeded that pants were perfectly fine

(and yes, for the record, I turned out liking guys even though a) I still act more like a guy than the stereotypical girl and b) this fact shouldn't matter in the least (but that's a whole nother can of worms)).

I say Kudos to you for letting your kid be herself and supporting her!

A nice pants suit is certainly "sunday best" and is not inappropriate for a girl to wear, even if it happened to come out of the little boy's department.

[OnTerryOh]

Thank you for sharing your concern about your daughter in this difficult situation. You are right to perceive that she can be hurt by others' gender expectations. She is happy and proud about her boy's suit, but parents and classmates will probably see her as strange.

In this particular situation, you might try making it a game to go through your closets and drawers together and find matching mother/daughter clothes that you'll wear to the kindergarten graduation together.

You might dress up and look in the mirror together and find all the ways that the two of you are alike -- and different.

If the two of you show up at the graduation in matching blue shorts and yellow t-shirts, say, it will help reinforce the idea for your daughter that you are like her -- both of you being girls, and that her girlhood is something you love about her.

Yes, I know the note said to wear "Sunday best", but if you haven't got that, you haven't got it. Dressing in matching outfits could help your daughter bond with you as someone like her. That is more important.

If she asks why she can't wear the brown pinstriped pants suit with blue shirt and tie, tell her you found out it wouldn't be the best thing to wear to the graduation. Distract her from the subject in a pleasant way -- don't argue. Let her wear the suit around the house if she wants, but not to school.

You might be giving your daughter a happy, secure, loving home life, and there might be little you can do to change her wanting to dress like a boy. On the other hand, if your daughter seems unhappy I encourage you to talk to a counselor.

I hope all goes well at the graduation. Best wishes to both you and your little girl.

[Crankin]

I find it disturbing that a school would even call for "Sunday Best." Those words have no meaning to me; not everyone has Sunday as their day of worship.
Of course, if this is a church related school, that's a different story. But, if it's a public school, they should know better. It would never happen here.

[Tuckervill]

Don't lie, no matter what.

Buy the suit, and something else that's not so formal that she also loves (even if it's not from the girl's department), and then let her choose on the day of the event. Six-year-olds can't really think that far ahead, you know? Given two equally lovely options, she may choose the less "scandalous" one.

She goes to school, so she's well aware that there are differences between boys and girls and what they wear, even if she can't articulate it. If someone says the wrong thing, she may be embarrassed and the realization that her clothing was not accepted may come down hard. When things are IMPORTANT, as this clearly is to her, the impact of ridicule or the wrong thing said can take on the same gravity and make a longer lasting impression. I think you should do your best to protect her from that, and prepare her for the implications.

If she decides to wear the suit, I would definitely call the teacher and let him/her know in no uncertain terms that there will be no comments made. I think it would be fair to the teacher to get a warning. The teacher may or may not be surprised or shocked, but when we are surprised or shocked we say things which, at the very least, can be misinterpreted.

Ah, parenting...never easy.

Karen

[Veronica]

We do a 5th grade promotion ceremony at my school. As teachers we struggle to keep it low key. It's a promotion - not a graduation. We've had girls show up with dresses suitable for a prom.

When my kids asked me this year what to wear, my answer was to wear something nice - like what they would wear for picture day. A couple of girls pushed a little harder and asked if they had to wear dresses. I have a large Catholic population in my class - at least half, including the girls who asked. At this point I did say to them, "Like what you would wear to church regularly, not fancy like for your first communion." Sometimes kids do need a point of reference.

And we tell our kids - you don't have to go buy new clothes for this. A bunch of them do anyway.

I always thought Kate Hepburn looked magnificent in her "mannish" attire.

Veronica

[Tuckervill]

Veronica, I was thinking about the same person! Katherine Hepburn!

Karen

[sgtiger]

As a parent, I'd have no problems letting my daughter wear a suit if she so chose. I'd deal with any reactions that fellow classmates and their parents have after the fact. Who knows, they may not react in the way you fear. If their reaction is not positive, it's an opportunity to sit down and have a talk with her about not always taking others' opinions to heart and the importance of being herself.

My son, when he was little, really wanted a baby doll. Most of the people we knew didn't have a problem with it, but there were a few who commented that they wouldn't encourage that kind of thing with their boys. I even got a comment that we needed to toughen him up. And my MIL freaked when told what her grandson wanted for his birthday. She eventually calmed down and sent him a raggedy Andy doll. She didn't think that was too "girlish." He also got the baby doll he wanted and was happy as a lark. He eventually grew out of it, but will sometimes play with one if he's playing house with friends or his sister. To this day he loves babies and is very nurturing towards them. One of the possible career paths that I can envision for him right now is working in a neonatal unit.

[shootingstar]

Do little boys still wear full suits these days to Sunday School??? I don't recall this at all for even church that was across the street from the house where I grew up as a teenager.

It's summer time (why would a jacket be necessary), so the boy's dress pants and a nice shirt with a fun patterned tie would be nice. The girl is very young.. I'm certain there will be girls in frivolous, nearly party-like dresses too.

I have to disagree with kathyville...the concern about her gender identity is not necessary at this stage. Too early. It's us adults imposing our lens on the situation.

[andtckrtoo]

I wouldn't worry about her at this age, either. My daughter is 16 and is still more of a tom boy, but I took her out to lunch today and she wore a cute little mini skirt. I'd have had to drag her kicking and screaming to get her in a dress or skirt at 6. She used to tell me that she wanted to be a boy when she was smaller. Now, she's happy to be a girl and has boyfriends, etc (and I know she likes boys right now as I'm rather open and she knows I would not be disappointed in her if she preferred girls).

What all of that long winded nonsense is saying - let her wear her suit. If anyone asks, smile and say, "Oh, it's the latest fashion." And let it go at that. I'll bet she looks adorable. When she starts to notice boys as boys and not playmates, she just may want to wear a dress now and again. If not, that's okay too.

[Duck on Wheels]

I too disagree about the gender identity question. If girls wish they were boys, it's often for "good" reasons such as "the boys get to have all the fun". And then there are the truly trans-gendered. Those (few) I know claim they were trans-gendered from birth or even before, nothing to do with not feeling loved or not identifying with this or that parent. Sounds like your daughter is a happy, confident child who knows she's loved and who enjoys your company. That's a good, healthy basis whatever gender identity she discovers or develops as she grows up.

[crazycanuck]

K..I wanted to be a boy back in jr high as I hated home ec etc UGH. It wasn't fair, i wanted to do the IR class in gr 7 & 8 not just 1/2 of gr 9.

I'd let a kid wear what they wanted. They're kids..Parents are the ones who have the horrible misconceptions in thier heads & need to stick thier heads in the sand.

GAGH

[Deborajen]

When my son was kindergarten-age (he's 21 now), he was very proud to try to pick out clothes for a special occasion. I think it was more because he just did something a "big boy" would do - he did more than just pick out what pants and shirt/shorts he'd wear for play or school - it was for something special.

Has your daughter tried on any dresses? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with pants - girls wear them, both little girls and us bigger (and much older!) girls. I just wonder if maybe she was doing what she thought was expected of her, because she usually wears boys clothes?

I wouldn't be too worried - it's kindergarten graduation. It's special, but it's not as big of a deal as high school graduation. I think my son had a kindergarten graduation - ? He was in ECSE at that age, so it was all a little different anyway. But I'm like you, Iris, I would have been expecting a girl like your daughter to choose khakis and a nice shirt. If anything concerned me, it would be more that she'd overdressed a bit, but I doubt that's the case.

When my son was that age, we always gave him a little extra guidance when it came to how to dress for special occasions. There's nothing wrong with that. They don't know what to expect or what's socially acceptable. Sometimes wearing certain types of clothes in certain situations is about showing respect, and that's an important lesson for a child, too.

But again, I think she'll be fine.

Deb

[kathybiker]

I have to disagree with kathyville...the concern about her gender identity is not necessary at this stage. Too early. It's us adults imposing our lens on the situation.

There is no kathyville here, but I assume you're referring to me.

I stand by the ideas in my post. I believe they would be helpful for both a mother and daughter in that situation.