Boyfriend and Baby help needed ::kinda long::

[polly4711]

So, my boyfriend and I are very serious and will probably be engaged within two years. We both want it but due to circumstances (me grad school, him his current job) it probably wont be able to happen until then which is fine. We both have agreed on the fact that we would rather better ourselves now and then be able to be together, rather than trying to do this while being newly weds and possibly giving up different opportunities (our current opportuniteis are in different cities which is why we do not live in the same city).

Well, last night we were talking and somehow babies and concerns came up. Then he made a statment that if he was working and we had a baby, that it would be better for us to get his full night's sleep than to stay up and help with the baby. I think that this is a very selfish way of thinking and only benefits him. I understand his point, but I don't think that he has thought out that women can't lounge around all day when they have had a baby.

I don't know if he is thinking this way because he doesn't have the baby knowledge to understand what is required or not. This concerns me greatly that I would basically end up raising the kids on my own.

Should I bring this up to him again? When? How? And any advice on particular things to say to make it an effective conversation???

[tulip]

Two words: Premarital Counseling.

Best wishes to you!

[Biciclista]

if you're going to nurse the baby, (breastfeed) I agree with him.
When my first son was born, my husband did get up at first part of the time to help with the baby.
Soon it became apparent that it was a waste of time.
#1 I woke up instantly whenever the baby cried. I then had to wake him up.
#2 after he went and got the baby, I would be reawakened to feed him. You can't breastfeed while asleep, not at first anyway.
I finally decided it was not worth it to wake HIM up every time the baby woke me up. And so yes, he did better at his job, which was putting food on the table.

and yes, premarital counseling sounds like a good idea for you guys if you are already arguing about unborn children.

[kermit]

I would ask him to clarify his position on the baby statement. If he is unwilling to help with a newborn, well... But if it is simply his way of saying that he will need his sleep to work to support his family... you see what I mean. That begs for further discussion.

[Biciclista]

ps fathers can have quality time with babies when they're not sleeping. My DH changed diapers, coddled, cuddled and played with my boys plenty. My children were not denied a relationship with their father because he didn't get up 2 times a night with them while they were infants. (and i'm not saying he NEVER got up, i just never expected him to)

[Irulan]

ps fathers can have quality time with babies when they're not sleeping. My DH changed diapers, coddled, cuddled and played with my boys plenty. My children were not denied a relationship with their father because he didn't get up 2 times a night with them while they were infants. (and i'm not saying he NEVER got up, i just never expected him to)

Ditto.

[redrhodie]

At least you're on the same page both wanting a baby. When one wants one, and the other doesn't, that's a hard compromise.

I think it's unlikely either of you will get much sleep

[polly4711]

I think it's unlikely either of you will get much sleep

agreed, I agree that premartial counceling would be good... but it's not the time yet. I think sometimes I worry about this kind of stuff because I dont have an older sibling, and my mother is sick, so I can't ask her. I sometimes feel left out for the vultures for all of this new stage of life stuff because I don't have anyone who has done this that I feel comfortable asking.

I know that I am a worrier, but it's the planning engineering side of me that wants it all to be in a nice and neat line....

Thank you for any advice given....

JP