on being a mom

[badger]

obviously this is a personal question that I can only answer, but I wanted to find out if there were some words of wisdom that can be imparted to me by someone who's been there.

I'm 37. I'm not sure if I want to be a mother. All through my childhood and into my late 20's there wasn't a smidge of doubt that I wouldn't have kids. Then during my early 30's I started to question whether I wanted to have children.

I don't have a burning desire to be a mother like some women have. The truth of the matter is, I hate babies. I love kids, around ages 5 and up, but the squirming babies and crying/whining toddlers really does my head in. People insist it's different when it's yours, but I obviously can't comment on that as I don't have one.

Anyone out there who felt like me and was glad you had a child, or should I take my feelings as a red flag and remain childless as I'm too selfish and set in my ways?

And yes, I do have a partner, and he's pretty much in this frame of mind: if it happens, great, if not, oh well.

[lph]

I've never been a baby person either, and have never had a knack with small children. When my son was small I "got" other children his age, but nowthat he is almost a teenager I'm almost back to that point where I just don't "get" small children again.

My son was not planned and becoming a mother took a LOT of getting used to. I had to give up some dreams and plans I had, that wouldn't necessarily have happened anyway, mind you. Becoming a mother definitely changed my life, hugely, and it changed me more than any other single event. I am a better person for it. I love him more than anything and I can't imagine life without him. But I have no idea what I would have done with my life if I had remained childless, it might have been equally rewarding, I could have been the next Mother Teresa, I guess (pun intended) but it seems a bit futile to dwell on it. I'm kind of grateful that this choice was in a sense taken away from me.

btw, whining and nagging and squirming drives me up the wall too, but my son adapted to that early on. He turned into an excellent communicator very early...

[sfa]

Having a baby was the hardest transition of my life. Hell, I've been at it ten years now and still feel like I spend my days as part of an improv group, just faking my way through it!

I don't think much of babies either. Sure, they're cute. For about five minutes. But they are boring and need an insane amount of attention and THAT'S what was hardest to deal with--not having a minute to myself. And it wasn't different because they were my own. If anything, it was harder because I couldn't walk away from the responsibility. OTOH, nothing prepared me for the love part either. Sure, I knew I'd love them but the hormonally driven overwhelming almost physical feel of the love was a surprise--really not like anything I had ever experienced before. And while the needy infant years have gone away, that love hasn't. And after infancy they got a lot more fun to be around. I don't know if it was luck or parenting style, but I have two kids who don't whine much at all. They aren't perfectly behaved, but whining isn't in their repertoire. Of course, I've got two kids on the autism spectrum so the one who can't talk couldn't whine if he tried! Sometimes autism is a real blessing.

Oh, and I always thought I *wouldn't* have children. Partly it was because I just didn't much like babies, but mostly it was because I imagined my life as an adult revolving more around my job and travel. Marriage and kids just weren't high on my list of priorities. That changed after I met my husband and after I realized that you can fit a lot more in your life than you may have though you could when you were 15.

Sarah

[crazycanuck]

Badger-don't worry if you never have kids! You can spend all that $$$ on bikes & travelling!!! What about a dog? They're probably better than a child & they don't talk back!!!

I too don't like kids. Ugh. AGHGHGHGHGHGH

[Crankin]

When I was young (teens) I really did think I would have kids. Then, when I got married we decided we wouldn't. I was 27 and in a PhD program. I was going to be a "professor" and my life would be filled with that. Then one day I was in the ASU bookstore and I got mesmerized by the books on pregnancy and babies. I had to have one. It was a bit of a long road, since I lost my first baby, but I did have 2 kids.
Truthfully, I was better with them as they grew. Don't mistake me, they were planned and very wanted, but I knew my limits. My husband stayed home with #1 for almost a year and I always joke those were the best days of my life! I always worked and didn't just center my life around the kids. We always had an active social life, too. As they grew, I spent more and more time doing things with my kids. They grew up to be very sociable and emotionally intelligent, wonderful adults. I always say that I must be sort of an OK person, because my kids turned out so well.
So, what I am trying to say is that while a lot of parts of parenting aren't super fun, it is what you make it. What I resented were the "super" parents who just did nothing but focus on their kids. I hated seeing them at sports things or other activities. There were even some of these parents, mostly dads, at the junior level cycling events that my younger son did.

[lph]

I guess what I wanted to say is that you don't have to love babies to love your own, and you don't have to love children in general to be a good mom. It helps, I'm sure, you don't have to learn "child handling" from scratch, and may have more confidence and patience, but it's not necessary. And without too many defined ideas of how to do things you can think outside the box and raise a child with an open mind too.

You'll be fine, no matter what you choose It's the thought that goes into the choice that counts.

[redrhodie]

I made the decision not to have kids, and I'm happy! I'd always rather see my friends alone than with their little monsters. No baby envy here!

[shootingstar]

I'm 37. I'm not sure if I want to be a mother. All through my childhood and into my late 20's there wasn't a smidge of doubt that I wouldn't have kids. Then during my early 30's I started to question whether I wanted to have children.

I don't have a burning desire to be a mother like some women have. The truth of the matter is, I hate babies. I love kids, around ages 5 and up, but the squirming babies and crying/whining toddlers really does my head in. People insist it's different when it's yours, but I obviously can't comment on that as I don't have one.

Anyone out there who felt like me and was glad you had a child, or should I take my feelings as a red flag and remain childless as I'm too selfish and set in my ways?

And yes, I do have a partner, and he's pretty much in this frame of mind: if it happens, great, if not, oh well.

I don't regret my decision not to have children. I don't have baby envy partially because I am the oldest of 6 with youngest sibling 10 yrs. younger than I. And since parents couldn't afford baby sitters, nearly every day I was expected to be on the look out for at least some of the much younger siblings. Seeing the stress of childrearing on my parents, particularily my mother, probably influenced me a great deal.

It is important to get long-term feelings clear particularily if a woman enters into an intimate relationship with a guy from a lst marriage who already has children.

He has 2 children (30 & 28) who are good responsible adults and fun to be with now. But for first decade or so of knowing him, I chose not to move into his place or vice versa and start being mommy..and you now, my partner is GLAD. It made it easier for him on the days when he had them during those teen years during divorce. Hence, I think the adjustment of the children to me, is better and healthier long-term. My parenting style probably would have been quite different from their mother's , since I have a different personality.

Most generously he has left the decision to me. And said he would suppport me if I really wanted our own child. I thought he was abit Nuts...since he is relieved his major childrearing years are over. The guy must be 100% on side also to have children too. At this time, he regrets abit his little grandson lives in another province. He really would love to pull along grandson in a biker trailer. When his children were young, at that time, cycling was not in his life, farming was his hobby/physical activity on weekends.

I love my honey since obviously he meant if I ever got accidentally pregnant.... Pretty remote since am in perimenopause.. I have been with honey since I was 32.

Truly, my life feels well-rounded with his children and with 6 nieces and nephews via 3 sisters. One thing, I have noticed though, that being childless, means I'm not totally clued in to the passage of time in the same way, a parent experiences due to growing children. So am approaching 50 next yr.

[maillotpois]

I am not a baby person. Before I had my child I didn't think I could care for anyone as much as my dog. I never baby sat when I saw growing up, and didn't ever feel particularly comfortable around kids. I'm with lph in that now that my daughter's almost a teenager, I am back to really not "getting" small kids anymore.

I can't say if having kids is right for you, but having one (operative word ONE) was definitely one of the best things I have done.

[Irulan]

Don't let what others want cloud your choice. I am a very firm believer in that every baby should be wanted and loved, and born into a stable home with two parents committed to each other.

[badger]

thanks, everyone!

One of the things that's really leaning me towards not having a child is the money factor. Let's face it, they're expensive, and will only get more expensive as they get older because I would want to expose the child to as much as possible in terms of culture and sports. Piano, ballet (every child should take ballet, boy or a girl, such a great launching pad for all other sports!), swimming, etc. aren't cheap!

Another thing I'm hesitant in giving up is my freedom and our "let's go snowboarding this week" mentality where we'll pick up and go in the middle of February. We won't be able to do that with a child in school.

I have a good friend who is a mother of a 16 month old. She is always telling me I need, yes, NEED to have one because she loves her son so much. That may be so, but I also see her staying up all night with his fever, worrying to death that his iron count is low, and getting hit by his wayward fists when he's having a whiny fit, and generally letting herself go for the sake of her son (she's lives/breathes for him, which I find a bit unhealthy).

But on the other hand, I'll see my 10 year old niece and realize just what a neat kid she is, how much fun I would have with my own discovering stuff I'm interested in (assuming he/she will share that interest!!).

It's not like I have a whole lot of time to ruminate over this, I'll be 38 in a couple of months and my boyfriend will be 42 in April. Maybe the decision will be made for us in not conceiving anyways!

[Becky]

Badger, I can understand your feelings, mostly because they are so much like my own on this subject. I'm not sure that I can share any wisdom, but I want to thank you for posting this and opening up this discussion.

[Irulan]

thanks, everyone!

One of the things that's really leaning me towards not having a child is the money factor. Let's face it, they're expensive, and will only get more expensive as they get older because I would want to expose the child to as much as possible in terms of culture and sports. Piano, ballet (every child should take ballet, boy or a girl, such a great launching pad for all other sports!), swimming, etc. aren't cheap!

Another thing I'm hesitant in giving up is my freedom and our "let's go snowboarding this week" mentality where we'll pick up and go in the middle of February. We won't be able to do that with a child in school.

I have a good friend who is a mother of a 16 month old. She is always telling me I need, yes, NEED to have one because she loves her son so much. That may be so, but I also see her staying up all night with his fever, worrying to death that his iron count is low, and getting hit by his wayward fists when he's having a whiny fit, and generally letting herself go for the sake of her son (she's lives/breathes for him, which I find a bit unhealthy).

But on the other hand, I'll see my 10 year old niece and realize just what a neat kid she is, how much fun I would have with my own discovering stuff I'm interested in (assuming he/she will share that interest!!).

It's not like I have a whole lot of time to ruminate over this, I'll be 38 in a couple of months and my boyfriend will be 42 in April. Maybe the decision will be made for us in not conceiving anyways!

Mom of two in college, I have to make a few comments.

The money thing is in some ways, total BS. The little princes and princesses do NOT have to have the best of everything. There are lots of ways to do really cool things with your kids that do not require a huge outlay.

My nursery was decorated in "garage sale". The designer clothes were handmedowns, as were many of their toys. We skipped the team sports thing. We didn't eat a lot of fast food. We made a lot of trips to the library, skipped the play station....you get the picture. My city has free kids concerts once a month. You just have to get creative.

What if your kid HATES ballet? The boy who is going to want to do it is rare, and I'll caution you right now that forcing what you think a kid should learn can sometimes backfire.

And as for the snowboarding thing....We are a very active outdoors family. When the youngest was 18 mos old, DH joined the ski patrol so we could get family passes. Youngest was on the ski hill on leashes, before he was out of diapers. We did LOTS of camping, family raft trips, ski trips, etc. Sure, it's a ton more work, but when people tell me that their active lifestyle ended with kids... another load of crap. They are just too lazy to figure out how to make it work. That's their choice of course.

And you can take them out of school for a week. We've done it for raft trips ( 10 days in Alaska) and ski trips. They can bring their homework along. The only times this didn't work was when each kid was a senior in HS.

I've got issues with your friend telling you that you NEED to have a kid etc. Granted its become an important part of her life, but that may not be what's right for you.

It's never black and white. So many ways to do it or not do it. Listen to what is right for your family ( which could just be the two of you)