When to go to a funeral?

[lph]

I'm debating whether to go to a funeral tomorrow or not.

Last Tuesday we were told, at work, that a co-worker had been "found dead". None of us knew him well, but a few of us worked with him a couple of times a year, he was one of the computer support staff and as such everybody knew his face, at least. We have 300 employees or so. He was 39 and left a wife and two small kids. Not outgoing, a bit brusque, but a very competent fix-it guy.

As we feared and suspected, it turns out he committed suicide. As far as I know it was solely connected to personal problems at home. The family have expressed that all colleagues are welcome at the funeral.

One part of me wants to go. I feel so sad that he chose suicide, and upset that I could pass him several times a week and have no clue about what he was feeling, and I feel a need to show the family and others that many of us here feel that way. He was my age, and I have an inkling of what it feels like to be that depressed, and also how it feels to lose someone that age. On the other hand I barely knew him, I'm not sure he even knew my name, and I know I'll be shattered at the funeral. I'm the emotional type who goes to pieces in sad situations. And I may just maybe be indulging my melancholy side, when I really don't need to.

So - what would you do? It's hard to "do what I feel is right" when I'm not sure what I feel, or why.

[sfa]

I think it's never the wrong thing to attend a service like this, even if it's only to show the family that he was known and appreciated at work. You don't have to have been a close friend to do that. OTOH, I'd probably stay close to the back so you can escape if you start to fall apart, and I would only attend the main funeral and not any graveside service (if there is one) or social gathering afterwards.

Sarah

[squirrell]

{the following is stated from my perspective as a pastor--take it for what you will from there}

Funerals are for the family and friends to have some form of closure by remembering/honoring/celebrating a person's life and to proclaim the hope of resurrection in the midst of a physical death/loss (if people of faith). It is also a time to show support for the family/friends by your presence, even if not by words. If you feel your presence would be such a support, then go. Otherwise, I'd say its ok to skip it. I also second the "main" funeral attendance only as well.

[Aggie_Ama]

I would go to show support to the family. Suicide is a very tragic and hard to understand event, my brother's friend chose that route. Many years later his sister said it meant so much to his family that her brother had so many people who cared enough to come to the funeral, she just wishes he had been able look harder when he was here. So I vote go to the service because it is a nice gesture that may help his family but don't feel obligated to do anymore.

[SouthernBelle]

Although it may be too late right now, there is always visitation. Family doesn't always realize who is present during a funeral, but reviewing the guest register later will appreciate the people who came to express support.

Cards are also a good option.

[Tuckervill]

Yes. Go. Fall apart if you must. Funerals are about the only place you can weep openly and not be ridiculed. Invite a co-worker to go with you, and pay your respects to the widow together. Maybe reading this page will help:

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml

Karen

[bmccasland]

Lph - I regret not going to a co-worker's funeral - it was a scheduling conflict, not really a choice on my part. Fortunately many from our office were able to go and it was appreciated by his family. There's also the closure aspect that Squirrell discussed. So if it isn't too late, if I was in your shoes, I'd go to the funeral service, and sign the guest book.

But I don't like doing visitations, nor do I like open-casket funerals. I'd like to remember the deceased as a living vibrant person. I really don't need to acknowledge that they're now dead. I'd much rather see a flag / flower drapped coffin and a photograph.

[Pax]

A few of my co-workers braved a blizzard to come to my dads wake last January, it was greatly appreciated.

[badger]

Yes. Go. Fall apart if you must. Funerals are about the only place you can weep openly and not be ridiculed.

I felt compelled to respond to this, because it seems odd to me that one would be ridiculed for crying/weeping openly. If anything, people will be concerned, but I don't think people will ridicule.

When I lost my dog in October, I often went for walks just to get fresh air, but would inevitably end up crying at some point. Not like I was wailing, but I would be walking around with a wad of tissue and red eyes and I have been asked more than once if I was okay.

Anyways, I'm not picking on you or anything, but I think times have changed that people are a lot more sensitive to emotions, and other than children who don't know better, I doubt anybody would ever ridicule anyone for crying.

[smilingcat]

yes I would go with a box of tissue.

To a family, your presence is greatly appreciated and know that others cared about him as well. I attemded a funeral for my co-worker's son. He died of overdose. I was one of the few from work. His wife and my co-worker were very touched by those who had gone to their son's funeral.

Sincerely,
smilingcat