Are you stupid? (parenting teens)

[Miranda]

Well, since you all were of help with a different post about some other mom advice, maybe you can aid in this one.

First of all, I should properly introduce myself. I am Miranda, and I am "stupid". So my pre-teen DD has started to conclude. I never really thought I was stupid before this. I have middle aged living wisdom, pretty decent common sense, and a MBA. Apparently though, I have contracted "stupidness" as part of the condition of being the parent of a pre-teen/teen.

Oh, DS, the younger sibling I posted about that is going into a full time gifted learning school program is reaaaallly "stupid" in DD eyes. In tears he told me the other day he's ready to go to the new school because DD no longer will play with him (and to get away from her--Caine and Able, ahh, feel the love). He says, "Well, sister says... I'm a big 5th grader now and I have a life of my own, blab blab blab".

I am making a library trip to look for some books on "sibling stupid" DS's gifted abilities this w/e. Perhaps I could also look for some books on my own type of "stupidness", aka... how to survive the teens years. (btw, I do know this behavior is perfectly normal development... DD is not disrespectful, I'm just becoming not "cool" any more)

On a cycling note, things like this give my bike extra mind clearing miles. Any titles or tips you can suggest?

Thanks!
Miranda

[KnottedYet]

I am now profoundly stupid, and boring to boot!

Seems to go with the territory. Folks have told me that when my son hits 32 he'll once again be the sweet thing he was when he was 10. And he'll stay that way.

Grin and bear it. It's part of the separation/actuation/maturation process. Suddenly they see the world differently than we do, and they KNOW it! They simply can't be wrong, so therefore we must be wrong. The world is still black and white for them. Age brings knowledge that there are gradations, and more than one way to be right.

Keep lovin' 'em. This too shall pass.

[Irulan]

( this is all just my opinion, been through two teen boys, that's my qualification)

First of all, I never allowed name calling or put downs to us or to siblings, we really put the hammer down on it. It's really nasty. We really did try to teach "I" statements with reflective listening- you can say what you feel, but no name calling or put downs allowed.

Boy, I hear you are really angry at me. You can tell me how angry you are, but name calling will result in... ( blah blah blah, you name the consequence and FOLLOW THROUGH if they do it)

It's OK not not want to play with your little brother, but it is unacceptable to call him "Stupid" or any other name. If you do... blah blah blah...

worked for us, hope it works for you. Follow through with an appropriate consequence is the key

I am really floored to hear that some of you find this acceptable. Wow. Just because they can be really obnoxious doesn't mean you have to accept it.

I would so bring the hammer down on sibling name calling. Grounding, taking away privileges, whatever you need to do to get the point across that certain behaviors are unacceptable, period.

recommended reading: Siblings without Rivalry. Lots of good stuff in there.

Parenting Teens With Love and Logic, Klein and Faye More really good stuff, and lots of examples of how to use it.

[KnottedYet]

I am really floored to hear that some of you find this acceptable. Wow. Just because they can be really obnoxious doesn't mean you have to accept it.
.

The kid isn't allowed to be obnoxious. But he does have thoughts and feelings of his own. How he expresses those feelings is what we *can* direct. Accept that your child is forming himself, step back and allow it. Be the heavy, be the stupid, be boring and predictable. Be the anchor, but realize that he will drift according to his own currents. Be a good and solid anchor and hold fast through his storms. (you don't have to move at his urging, and you don't have to pull him in tight, you just have to be there as solid and dependable as you can be. Realize that this storm will pass.)

I like the "love and logic" series. Took a couple of the classes, too. Highly recommend them.

[mimitabby]

we got a lot smarter when our kids were about 21.
We had no name calling, but like Knot's kid, you could TELL they thought we were dumb and REALLY REALLY uncool.
Poor kid used to walk 10 feet behind us so people wouldn't notice that those dorks (us) were his parents.

it's really hard to control what your kids say to each other when you're not there. You have to take the little one aside
and explain that the older kid has this "disease" called the teen years, and you can explain about the attitude and how it's only temporary and one day the older one will be kind again.

[mupedalpusher]

Our son is now 20 and we've been through those years (yuk). We are now friends as well as parents. Partly because he has grown up and lived on his own since he graduated from high school and partly because we stood firm on our rules. He used to remind us that we couldn't "control" what he said and our response was always the same..."you're right but there will be a consequence each and every time you say or do this"! Our house was full of turmoil for about 4 years, our son was (is) very head strong but now I've nearly forgotten those years because he is such a joy again. We have lots of people tell us what a great guy he is...total payoff for the rough years. Hang in there, they come full circle.

[Tuckervill]

The kid isn't allowed to be obnoxious. But he does have thoughts and feelings of his own. How he expresses those feelings is what we *can* direct. Accept that your child is forming himself, step back and allow it. Be the heavy, be the stupid, be boring and predictable. Be the anchor, but realize that he will drift according to his own currents. Be a good and solid anchor and hold fast through his storms. (you don't have to move at his urging, and you don't have to pull him in tight, you just have to be there as solid and dependable as you can be. Realize that this storm will pass.)

I like the "love and logic" series. Took a couple of the classes, too. Highly recommend them.

That was nicely put.

I'm one who doesn't care much for the love and logic books. One of the best books I know is Parent Effectiveness Training, which contains this little gem:

"maintain the relationship"

Seems trite when they're only 14. But when they're 17 and driving and working and can REALLY mess things up bad, focusing on maintaining a bit of influence rather than control is what got us through some seriously rough patches with our 2 (and still is with our one left at home). We told ourselves a lot, "They're going to be WONDERFUL 25-year-olds!" It didn't even that long for ours--my middle will be 24 in November and he was our hardest case, and he's just blossomed in to a great person whom we never worry about anymore.

My husband says, "You can have influence, or you can have control. You can only have control for so long, and then, if you insist upon it, you wind up with neither control, nor influence. All you are really entitled to is influence."

Sometimes all you can get across is, "You're always welcome here." or "I'll love you forever." They'll come back around, if the price is not too high.

Karen

[Crankin]

Well, put Tuckerville. "You're always welcome here," is the best advice I can give. When my younger son left college to join the Marines, I tried, for like two days to erase him from my mind and house. I couldn't do it. I was furious with him. Now, after 4 years and beginning his re-enlistment, he is singing a different tune. I have full faith that he will return to school when he finishes his enlistment. There was no way I could stay mad at him. At first all I could do was "maintain" the relationship, but now we are back to normal.

[Miranda]

Those are good additional comments. I let my kids do some things now that I don't think other parents do either. I think it helped that I was my mom's surprise menopause baby, and last one. As an older parent, certain things she knew from past experience were not that important to fight about. I think the saying goes, "if you want to win the war, pick your battles wisely".

[Aquila]

The only good thing is that you'll "get" a whole lot smarter after your kid is out of school for about two years. I know my parents did!

Good luck

[spindizzy]

My father used to say that as teens got older, parents got smarter..I think of that when I see my kids roll their eyes.....

[Miranda]

Thx you for your responses thus far. I know I'm not alone in the world of parenting teens, but it sometimes is nice to hear others experiences. It helps. I will check out the book titels suggested. We have not had any direct name calling to me, more like, "oh my gosh... MOM!!!...". Because I'm so "weird". My own mother always told me I was special, but she never clarified as to how. I take pride in that "weirdness". She will also say, "Oh, mom, you just don't understand, blab blab".

I try to intervene with the sibling situation. That is a tough one. I have explained to her before, when she has complained that her younger brother won't "leave her alone", that he looks up to her. She's the oldest, her brother follows her lead, etc. Makes me get tears almost, but hear lately, DS has even started saying to her that he loves her. When not fighting of course. I tell DS that DD needs some of her own space. DS really loves to ride his bike. Bonus prize: can't imagine where he gets that from. DS and I have been spinning around the neighborhood a bit more alone.

My own mother was pretty embarrassing for a while. Then she became the most wise woman I knew later.

[kelownagirl]

I've been stupid twice, and just starting up my third round now. My older two are 23 and 25 now and I like them again if it's any consolation.

Barbara Coloroso's book is awesome as well.

[Crankin]

I got through the teen years fairly easily with my sons (23 and 25). I think I did it by always being brutally honest with them. We were strict about things other parents didn't care about and very liberal in most things that others would never allow their kids to do. My kids were going into Harvard Square on the train and hanging out when they were 14 or 15. I knew some parents that used to follow behind their kids and watch everything they did when they went out. I also think teaching middle school and high school gave me a perspective of seeing the whole range of adolescent development. And, I knew it would pass...
Of course when the younger one was in HS, he was too busy and tired from racing to do anything bad and the older one was a bit wussy and afraid of consequences. They both could NEVER surpass any of the stuff I did as a teen in the 60's and early 70's.

[Jen-Jen]

I was the eldest in the family and we use to kick the snot out of each other! My sisters,brother and I did name calling and a lot of good 'ol fashion beatdowns!

Things used included flyswatters and wooden spoons. We would roll up newpaper and run tape around it till it was a solid stick that didn't flex. We would remove the ball off of the paddle balls that my parents would buy us to play with.

I've had 1 or 2 of my 10 earring removed a time or two.

And you know what to this day my sisters: Renee and Lori and baby brother: Neil are my best friends and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.

What can I say, "We're country."