Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Melalvai]

My husband barely knows my riding buddy. But he dislikes him and is jealous when we ride together. Good riding buddies are hard to come by and I'm not sure what to do.

A little more background: he has no cause to be jealous. We are just riding buddies and nothing more. Although there seem to be hordes of women on TE, there just don't seem to be many women cyclists in my area! Or else they seem to be of two extremes--super serious and way faster, or recreational and way slower and can't go as far.

I do ride a lot with my husband, who is in the "way slower" (but improving) category. He may be sensitive about his physical condition, and comparing himself to my riding buddy. I love rides by myself too, but not all the time.

Any thoughts?

[mimitabby]

Marriage can be so fragile, especially when dealing with egos. Can you advertise somewhere for a female riding partner?
I would be jealous too.

[teigyr]

How well does your husband know your riding buddy?

I used to have a male riding buddy but that was before DH. When I met DH, however, quite a few of my friends were male. It was a male friend who introduced us!

I think good riding buddies are valuable but I can see how your husband can feel excluded. It probably doesn't help that he feels insecure about his riding and he sees another male who provides you what he can't. (Silly, granted.)

How does your riding buddy feel about it? How about including your husband anytime he wants to ride with the two of you? Have you asked him what he dislikes about your friend?

Part of marriage is being sensitive to your mates insecurities but trust should be there too. I wonder how much of it is male pride?

[kelownagirl]

I agree with Mimi. I think my marriage and my hubby's feelings would have to come first, even if I knew there was no real concern. We can't help the way we feel and I am pretty sure that if my husband rode regularly with another woman was much more his equal in cycling, I'd be jealous even if it waas't a trust issue. I think the more you ride with your hubby, the stronger he will become so it will no longer be an issue. Maybe you could do club rides with a larger group when you feel the need to hammer?

[Zen]

I wish I could find a male riding buddy. Or any riding buddy for that matter.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Just my personal opinion:
I think you should talk to your husband about it. It does not set a healthy precedent to have your husband be in a role where he can just eliminate your male friends for little reason other than his own insecurity. I have friends of both sexes, and so does my husband. Some of our friends are shared friends, and some are just personal friends. Having lots of friends is healthy and good. Riding with others is safer, too.
I don't believe we should only be able to have friends of our own sex- gee that eliminates half the wonderful people on earth!

[jobob]

I guess I'm very lucky in that my husband of 18 years really encourages my riding and is very supportive of me. Up until fairly recently, he was a much stronger rider than I, but I've started training for longer distances and I've become the stronger one.

To be honest, I was was a bit worried about how he'd feel, and I felt a bit guilty, when I started doing a lot of rides on my own and with groups that he wouldn't be able to keep up with.

I still ride with my husband a lot, but not as much as I used to. I generally do one long, strenous ride one weekend day (usually Saturday) without him, and then do a more relaxed ride with him the other weekend day. So I haven't really "abandoned" him. He also likes to ride on his own, so sometimes he'll head out with me as I start my long ride, and then head off on his own along a different route.

So, I guess what you need to find out is, what is it that your husband wants of you?

It seems kind of unfair to me that he would want you to dump the riding buddy just because he's a guy.

Could the issue be that your husband feels you're not spending enough time with him? If that's the case, then the issue might still be there even if your riding buddy were female.

Would it be possible for you to keep riding with the buddy but to go out on fewer rides with him, and go out on more rides with your husband?

I wish you the best. This is a difficult situation, but to be honest, I think your husband is not being very fair to you. But that's just my two cents.

[northstar]

Marriage can be so fragile, especially when dealing with egos. Can you advertise somewhere for a female riding partner?
I would be jealous too.

I'm in this camp.

My DH and I don't do things alone with someone of the opposite sex. Groups are fine, but neither of us is comfortable with one on one.

Call us old fashioned if you want.

[Python]

I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

"If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".

[Tuckervill]

First, I don't think jealousy is an irrational emotion. The reason we are jealous can be irrational, but sometimes jealousy is the only rational response.

I'd like to know the back story. How'd you meet the guy? Did you know him before your hubby?

I agree with whomever said you should invite him to spend time with you and your husband. I think a lot of men think men can't just 'be friends' with women, and are suspicious of any man who claims they can. Maybe they can connect one on one and your husband can learn to trust the guy.

Karen

[salsabike]

One of the things that I like about my spouse is that he likes women as human beings. I would probably feel a little jealous/insecure at first if he had a woman riding partner but I would also consider that my thing to deal with, because I would know it didn't mean anything beyond a riding partnership. And he might feel the same--a slight initial twinge, then he would remember that he knows who I love; and that would be an end to the worry.

It bothers me a little that people think their feelings of jealousy, even when they are without a basis in fact, should control the relationships and friendships their SOs are allowed to have. I guess everyone has different ideas of what's okay or good in a marriage. It's important to me to be married to someone who is able to love me without needing to control everything I do, and who is able to know that I love him.

[kelownagirl]

Everyone makes such good points. I think the quote I like best is this:.

"Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it."

[Jiffer]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

And above all else, the fact that your husband is not happy with this situation should be reason enough to avoid it. He should be number one in your life. His feelings and concerns should be more important than spending time with another man. He SHOULD be jealous of you spending time with another man.

The best advice I can give you as for a riding buddy is ... get a tandem! You and your husband can ride together and both ride at your own ability level. The first time I rode a tandem with my husband, I felt so much closer to him. It is something he and I can enjoy "together". Instead of going off and doing our own thing, we're together, working as a team enjoying each other's company. Having a conversation as we ride (unless we're breathlessly plugging away up some hill!) We still ride separately on our singles, but the tandem gives us a chance to come together again at our own ability.

So there's my two cents worth.

[DarcyInOregon]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me.

Jiffers, I don't think anyone in this forum flames another, at least not that I have noticed. For flaming you have to go to the male dominated cycling discussion groups.

Darcy

[Irulan]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

And above all else, the fact that your husband is not happy with this situation should be reason enough to avoid it. He should be number one in your life. His feelings and concerns should be more important than spending time with another man. He SHOULD be jealous of you spending time with another man.
<snipped>

So there's my two cents worth.

very well said. I think it's important in a marriage ( or committed relationship) to choose NOT do things that you know will hurt your partner, however well grounded you think your relationship is.