more sad news from bcipam...

[bcipam]

This last year has not been my best. Seems like I have struggling with recovery from surgeries and other maladies. I've gain back some weight which I worked so hard to get off. My riding sucks, even 20 milers are a challenge. But I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I started back to spin classes and I've tried to eat better. I was lookkng forward to 2 moutnain bike rides I planned this weekend and then I got the phone call...

Last night I went to dinner with a friend. On the way home my phone rang. It was my sister. I answered it. I could not understand a word she was saying, after awhile I realized she was trying to tell me her husband was dead. What??? Weird news makes you numb. She asked that I come as soon as possible and I agreed.

Now my sister lives in North Carolina and I live in California so that's not all that easy. Plus not exactly a planned trip so I needed to get some things done at work, called everyone, cancel doctor's appointments etc. I had planned on getting into work early, but instead came in late. This morning I decided to check in on my oldest nephew, whose 21 and away at college. So I gave him a call... it did not go well.

See... like many families this one has its share of dyfunctionalness (is that a word?). About a year ago my brother-in-law started drinking. It got so bad that each night with the booze and pills, he would pass out. My sister tried to make him get help. He refused. My sister got frustrated and against my counsel, moved out, with my niece into a apartment and left the husband with the youngest son (age 16) and the oldest son who came home from college on the weekends. The son believes Greg died of a broken heart, that all he wanted to do was love my sister.

When I first met Greg - he was a young, fun loving man. He clearly loved my sister and when they started having kids, gave his life to them. He could have made more money, advanced further in his career but he wanted to stay close to home so he could attend every ball game and dance recital. I always thought he was the perfect man. Maybe too perfect I guess. Greg had his demons but as long as he could focus in on his kids and his family, he could fight and chase them away. You see his father was/is an abusive alcohlic. He always thought his mother died due to his father's abuse. Greg never resolved these issues. He just hid them way down inside and locked them away for years and years. But I guess with his kids almost grown and gone (they ar 16, 17 and 21) and his wife back to work, Greg lost focus. He started seeing those demons again and maybe he fought them for awhile but somewhere along the line he gave the fight up, crawled into a deep dark hole and started thinking about how to end his suffering.

The oldest son called his dad every day. Two nights ago he spoke with his father and the father told him that he had taken out money from his retirement and paid off all his debt, including the hosue. The son at the time thought nothing of this but realizes now, sadly, that his father was saying goodbye. That night Greg went to bed, took all his pills, drunk his Jack and went to sleep. The next day the son could not reach his father. He would not call his mom who right now he hates and blames everything on, but did call the youngest son who called Mom. Mom called 911. They found dad, gone...

I'm writing this story part of therapy for me but also just to say to you all they are many lessons to learn from all this. Greg was a great believer in learning lessons from mistakes. Never get so wrapped up in your kids or wife or job as to lose your own identity. Never ever get so involved in your kids, that when they are gone you and your spouse have nothing to say to each other. Don't let your spouse, family member, friend drink themselves into a stupor. Drag them friggin kicking into a hospital and forced them to get help. Force them!!! Don't ever think you can't make something better. You can you just need to ask for help. Also if you have demons, and we all do... don't hide them away... fight them head on. Address them, get them out.

There is no one to blame but everyone takes blame. The son blames the Mother, the mother blames herself... who knows what Greg was blaming and what he was thinking. What an awful end to things. How does someone get in such a dark place they they can't climb out?

I fly out tomorrow. I want to give kudos to American Airlines - they rock. They found me a reasonable flight from John Wayne and the agent was very sweet and patience with me. I also have to commend my employer (Travelers Ins) they have this great counseling program, free to employees, and I have been speaking to them all day. Cause you know, talking helps it really does...

All of you with faith, please pray for me and my family and especially my nephew who now has so much hate and hurt inside. I know time is a healer but boy, there's alot of healing to do.

[Dianyla]

bcipam, I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

[Aint Doody]

Oh, wow! I'm so sorry for everybody. Hang in there. I pray that it all goes as well as possible. I surely hope your nephew and your sister can overcome all the anger.

[emily_in_nc]

Oh bcipam,

You and your family have my deepest condolences.

Sometimes it seems that lightning really does strike twice. It's very unfair, and I am just so sorry you're having to go through more painful times.

Just know that your friends here at TE are all behind you.

Travel safe and support your sister the best way you know how. Your spirit is strong and amazing!

Big virtual hugs,

Emily

[Trekhawk]

Oh Pam what terrible news. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

[jeannierides]

Pam, that is indeed terrible news. Without trying to hijack your thread with my own family, I'll just say that I certainly understand your grief, loss and questions as to how things could go so far.
You and your family are in my prayers.

[Fredwina]

Pam, that is indeed terrible news. Without trying to hijack your thread with my own family, I'll just say that I certainly understand your grief, loss and questions as to how things could go so far.
You and your family are in my prayers.

Same here, I'm having to manage the aftermath of some of my more dysfunctional family members descions long distance. But no deaths.
Take the time you need. and lets us know when you're back

[rocknrollgirl]

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your brother in law. I have walked this path, and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Ruth

[mimitabby]

gee, BCPam, I am so sorry to hear this story. Please grab your sister and her son and tell them, it is NOT her fault. She doesn't need to live with that guilt and her son doesn't need to live with that anger against his only living parent.
When someone commits suicide this way, it's an act of anger and violence against the rest of the family.
Your sister wouldn't give him something (what, her life?) and so he kills himself, destroys his kid's relationships with their mom, takes their DAD away forever, and what else?

I am glad you are going to help them out. Good luck and keep us posted, I am so sorry to hear this story.

[wannaduacentury]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers. Jennifer

[mtkitchn]

Wow, bcipam....sorry to hear of all this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LBTC]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BCIPam}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sending lots of butterfly energy - light, positive, and ready to carry away all those terrible worries and thoughts - to you and your family.

Hugs and lots of butterflies,
~T~

[spokewench]

BCI Pam - I'm so sorry for your family. Just don't know what to say. Hang in there.

[annie]

Pam,

How devastatingly sad for you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. You've had some wise advice already from some of the ladies here. I hope that will help you. I also hope you can feel the caring and concern that's here for you. You will need that in the days and weeks to come.

annie

[Pedal Wench]

This touches home with me. Please comfort your sister and make sure she knows that she did the right thing in getting out and getting the one child out of that situation. I was married to an alcoholic and firmly believe that I saved my own life the day I walked out. I tried to save both of us, but when that didn't work, I had to save myself. The son will come to realize this in time.

And, for what it's worth, I have Travelers Ins - love them.

L-