*sigh* Wedding planning

[Grog]

WARNING: VERY LONG.

My dear partner and I are getting married at the end of the summer. He's in medical school (read: EXTREMELY busy) and has little experience in organizing things, and has never handled much money. I've been dealing with money since a very early age (we had a family business) and partly earned my living organizing events (but not weddings and very seldom partys) all my life.

So of course I've taken the lead on that one. We decided sort-of at the last-minute that we wanted to get married this coming summer and finding all decent venues booked was my nightmare. So the venue is mostly taken care of since before the engagement was announced. My parents live 5000 km away and his are here. I insisted to have the wedding here, as my way to express how I feel about this place.

All weddings have hard parts to organize, I know, and this one is no exception. One of the things that make it hard, interestingly, is that I'm not big on weddings. I haven't been dreaming of that day since I was a little girl. I can't touch a bridal magazine with a 10-foot pole. I hate all the industry around it. So I want to keep things simple. And inexpensive. I want people - including me and my fiancé - to have a great time.

His parents are going to pay for most of it, but it's just against my principles to blow so much resources on one big day. It's part of my environmental consciousness, perhaps... His family is also happy to have a simple wedding, so that's great. But they have followed "normal" wedding traditions in the past. In my family, marriage is important, but weddings not very. And my parents, like me, are rather frugal.

The question is: how can a wedding be something simple?

Example: Cake. I'm all for cake (as long as it's chocolate) and traditions. But I can't imagine having one of those three-tier hugely decorated cakes that costs hundreds of dollars. But I know that if I call the bakery and say "I want a cake," I'll eventually have to admit it's for a wedding and voilà! we've quadrupled the bill and it's not even tasting better.

My sweetie, of course, doesn't understand much of this. I've already convinced him that I didn't want a diamond on my engagement ring, because I hate the idea of having about a ton of rock extracted of the earth (with assorted destruction) just because we want to let the world know that we love each other. But he's a bit more conventional than me. He cares a lot about the wedding but he has little time to dedicate to it.

So anyway I think what I wonder is : how does a bride-to-be deal with the weight of traditions she doesn't care about or, worse, disagrees with? How have you dealt with everyone's expectations for your own wedding?

Yeah yeah, I know, it's our day, but in the end I'd like everyone to have a good time and to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Thanks a million for letting me vent, and I know I'll find some hope and inspiration in your words!!

[salsabike]

We had a very small ceremony at home with each set of parents, best friends, and a sibling or two. Then we threw a big party at a place with a great view (on Magnolia Bluff, water and mountain view here in Seattle). We brought our own stuff for drinks, made music tapes of our favorite stuff (reggae, Aretha, Talking Heads, etc.), had a close friend who was a professional baker make our cake for us, had caterers bring hors d'oeuvres only, had a few friends taking pictures. No flowers, no pro photos, no fuss, everyone had a blast, no stress at all.

I guess the reason it all worked is because, while we didn't want to spend a lot or have the high stress of planning a formal wedding, neither did we want to deprive everyone of the big party--so we managed to find a way to do all those things in combination. It worked really well and everyone has good memories of it.

[Bikingmomof3]

We had a very small ceremony at home with each set of parents, best friends, and a sibling or two. Then we threw a big party at a place with a great view (on Magnolia Bluff, water and mountain view here in Seattle). We brought our own stuff for drinks, made music tapes of our favorite stuff (reggae, Aretha, Talking Heads, etc.), had a close friend who was a professional baker make our cake for us, had caterers bring hors d'oeuvres only, had a few friends taking pictures. No flowers, no pro photos, no fuss, everyone had a blast, no stress at all.

I guess the reason it all worked is because, while we didn't want to spend a lot or have the high stress of planning a formal wedding, neither did we want to deprive everyone of the big party--so we managed to find a way to do all those things in combination. It worked really well and everyone has good memories of it.

Mine was very similar. Very small ceremony. My SIL made the flower arrangements. We had a small cake and then had a big party that evening. It was a very low key, low budget, and we all had a blast!

[xeney]

Grog, on the other side of things: don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing the catering thing. I got some grief about how if we were trying to keep it simple, why were we having the party at a restaurant and serving a meal, why didn't we just have people over to our house? Well, because I have a job and only one bathroom! Our venue provided a wedding planner, which sounds crazy and over the top, but she was actually a sweet 80-year-old volunteer who helped me pick the menu, stage managed everything behind the scenes, told us where to put the speakers, and basically took all the stress and pressure off of us. Having it catered meant I just pointed at a menu and said, "I want that." Having it at a restaurant meant I didn't have to clean up. Having it at a restaurant meant I didn't have to decorate or rent chairs and tablecloths and all that stuff.

It wasn't a $500 event -- I think the final tally was closer to $5,000 -- but it was the best balance we found between low-key, and not making ourselves crazy. Sometimes it can be even MORE work to keep everything deliberately low-key. (Like invitations. All my friends are crafty and spent weeks and weeks making their own "simple" invitations. I didn't even want to deal with fighting a laser printer, so for me it was worth it to order them from a printer.)

[KnottedYet]

Salsa's wedding sounds like just what you need!

Do what ever kind of cake you want. Just tell the bakery its for a party, you don't have to say "wedding" and get sucked into the wedding cake maelstrom. Order a few cakes of different kinds, so there is something for everyone.

Diamonds freak me out because of the death and murder and child slavery involved. I read somewhere that every diamond and emerald you see has had at least one person die for it by the time you get it. Some jewelers now certify their diamonds, but you have to be careful. Cubic zirconia is cool... and it's not the end of the world if you lose it.

How about ti rings? Appropos for bike riders. www.cascadiadesignstudio.com

You say your sweetie cares a lot about the wedding. What traditions does he want to follow? Can you agree on the ones you will have at your wedding?

[mimitabby]

Well, as poor as we were when we got married, it was a piece of cake to make it cheap.
We rented a grange hall, my husband made a carrot cake in a sheet pan (you can rent these) it was one layer!

We had a pot luck and told people not to give us gifts. We had about 40 guests.

I later regretted that we didn't ask for gifts, (we asked for recipes) because it took us years before we could afford plates, silverware, and towels that matched.

Everyone brought really great food and their favorite drinks (BYOB)
I know that you are probably not going to be at this level, but the point is,
you don't have to spend 10 grand on a wedding to have a good time!
My girlfriend's mother made my wedding dress too.
It was great.

[Meaux]

I had a very traditional wedding, but some of the stuff was un-traditional. For example, we didn't hire a DJ or a band because we didn't want the "YMCA" or "Macarena" played. We simply went through our CDs and picked songs that meant something to us. I still get compliments on the song list. We also had a SUPER short ceremony, it was only 15 minutes. There were people who missed it because they were running late. You don't have to have a super-traditional wedding. You could even do it at someone's house. Have whatever cake you want. Remember it you and your partner's day, don't let anyone tell you any different.
P.S. I LOVE the idea of a potluck wedding. That is SO cool

[Tri Girl]

Make your wedding what YOU want it to be- not what tradition or others think it should be. I come from a family of 8 kids, and all my siblings had big fancy schmancy weddings. I hated the idea of doing what everyone else did (and I despise traditions like tossing the bouquet and garter, or doing cheesy lame dances at the reception).

Our wedding was very simple and very small. Only family and a few close friends (I think we had about 60 people there). We had it at a beautiful old local historical building on a Sunday afternoon. My DH and I each had one attendant. My sister (who's not a professional cake maker) made the cake. It was 3 tier, but it was soooo easy to make- and it looked very pretty. My friend did artificial flower arrangements for my bouquet, men's flowers, and the flowers for decorations (we spent less than $100 on flowers). I bought all the table decorations at Party Galaxy (you know, the party favor stores) and did them all myself. We did hire a DJ/photograher (same guy for both- although we picked out and brought all our own music- but he was an idiot/jerk and none of the pictures turned out- all the rolls were mysteriously "ruined"). The only pictures that I have are the ones my family and friends took (disposable cameras and family with digitals are the way to go). The food was trays of party food from the local grocery store, and odds and ends that family cooked up.

It was a great wedding, and we had a blast (and I think we spent a total of $1200 for the wedding- dress, tuxes, food and all- of course that was 10 years ago). Our honeymoon cost more than the wedding.

Do it your way, how you want! Have it as simple as you feel comfortable with. It's your day, and no matter what the setting is, the occasion of your marriage will be far more remembered than what food was there, what music played or what color the tablecloths were.

I like the idea of a CZ for your "diamond." No worries about where it came from. And no one will know the difference....

Please keep us updated!!!

[KSH]

When I planned my wedding, I was disgusted at the "show" of it all.

I felt like I HAD to buy the best xxx... to impress xxx. It just got silly to me.

So, 4 months before the wedding, I moved it all to Mexico. Ate the cost on some deposits. We used the money to pay for family to come with us and we stayed at an all inclusive hotel.

We had a 4 day celebration, very low key... everyone loved it. My wedding cake was something the hotel picked out... and it came with the cost of the wedding package. After the wedding, we went to a place in town to dine.

Weddings can get so "you have to do this or you simply won't be proper"... it's annoying. It's your day, do what you want.

I went a friends wedding, who had a tiered strawberry cheescake as her wedding cake and huge carrott cake for the grooms cake. It was delicious and really cool.

Good luck on planning the wedding Grog. Do what makes you happy.

[mimitabby]

oh, my best friend's wedding was at the Portland train station!
About 16 of us took the train from Seattle (about 3-4 hours) and got there about 11..
There were beautiful flower arrangements (the lawn of the station) and lots of nice places to take pictures, and best of all, most of their friends are musicians, so there was free music.
It was fantastic. afterwards everyone walked to a chinese restaurant and my friends bought everyone lunch. Then we got back on the train and went home.
the newlyweds went to Centralia (halfway between Seattle and Portland) for their honeymoon. So on the train they opened their gifts and had toasts.

the wedding couple is in the center of the photo

[Bad JuJu]

Our wedding was very much like Salsa's, with a few minor differences. You just have to be insistent about getting what you want, which isn't so different from what most brides do--it's just that you're demanding less rather than more.

We got married at my parents' house, in the town where I grew up, and the mayor married us. Afterwards, we had a big party right there--fortunately my folks lived in an old but large house, with a nice backyard, and the August weather cooperated nicely. DH and I used to skydive, so we put a couple of our old parachute canopies up over the backyard, along with some balloons and bows, to make it look more festive. We played tapes of our favorite music--assigned a cousin to handle the tunes. For photos, we asked my brother and a couple of friends to take random pictures. My grandmother had known the baker, so he honored our request for a simple cake--still looked like a wedding cake but he didn't go crazy with it. As far as I could tell, everybody had a great time.

We must've done something right--we celebrated our 25th anniversary last August.