Not sure I should even post this.

[Raindrop]

My brother, who was such a great guy...ski bum, biker and all around free spirit committed suicide.

I am so totally devastated that I can't think, can't function well and sometimes...have trouble breathing. It's totally sucked the energy out of my life and everything seems kind of unimportant now.

My bikes sit in the holders. I have pretty much given up workouts for myself. However, since I'm an in-home personal trainer I did get back to my clients this week. I also teach indoor-cycling which I also got back to this week. I can be very professional and conduct my training and cycling sessions, but the joy for my own training is gone. I'm just a slug. I have so much sorrow that I can't move on my own right now.

Sorry if this is not the place for this, but I'm just soooo sad right now.

[jobob]

God, what a horrible experience to go through. I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pain you're in.

Raindrop, the fact that you're able to get back to work in spite of all that you're going through shows an incredible amount of strength and resilience and courage on your part.

Would you consider seeing a grief counsellor? This is such an awful thing to have to deal with on your own. I think you might need a real person to talk things through. Not that we're not here for you too.

Please take care of yourself. The bikes will be there when you're good and ready, they're very patient that way.

[salsabike]

Raindrop. I am so very sorry. Please know we are thinking about you and your family. And that it will not always feel this horrible...

[GypsyAngel]

I can't imagine the heaviness of that pain. Please know thoughts are with you.

Gypsy

[LBTC]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry. This is horrible for you. The days will get better, the heaviness will get lighter, you will emerge, like a butterfly, changed, but more beautiful than ever before. Trust yourself. Trust the universe.

In the meantime, grieve, seek comfort, be sad, be still, be every thing you feel whenever you feel it.

Know that we, like your bikes, are here for you. We are ready to listen, ready to share, ready to offer comfort...we are here whenever you need us.

Hugs and butterflies, raindrop

Namaste,
~T~

[lph]

Oh no. Oh, I am so, so sorry.

I'm glad you can or have to keep up some exercise, it will help you in the long run. Not biking or working out at all would give the sorrow an extra hold over you that it doesn't need. You probably won't get any joy from it for a while, but exercising makes you more stable for the long haul.

After my brother died (heart attack, not suicide, which must be SO much worse) I found a quiet track in the woods where I could ride and cry and scream and cuss without seeing anyone.

We're all thinking of you. Hang in there.

[wannaduacentury]

{{{Raindrop}}} I'm really sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Jennifer

[SalsaMTB]

Raindrop,

I'm so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[hellosunshine]

you are so brave opening up and sharing this,i think thats a sign that inside you do have the strength to pull through this.all bad times do pass,memories never fade,experiences mould us into who we are.wishing you a bucket of courage and hoping you never have to appologise for talking about it ever again,you did the right thing.

[snowtulip]

Raindrop, thanks for opening up and sharing. I'm sorry for your loss and my thoughts and energy are with you. I echo what everyone says, we're here for you to unload on and express your feelings.

[Pip72]

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I'm glad you shared it with us. Over the years my cycling has meant so many different things to me. I hope that it helps you through this period in its own way, but don't push things - you will know what you're ready for and when.

The most amazing thing though is that you've shared things with us here. That's so incredibly brave.

When life got hard for me earlier in the year, for a while I wanted to sell all my bikes as I couldn't see how I could ever cycle again. I have discovered that I can though and that once again it is cycling which is helping me to move on - small steps at a time.

Please look after yourself as others have said and keep in touch with us all.

xx

[bcipam]

Raindrop, hope you realize you never have to ask if you should post something so personal or not. This forum contains an amazing group of women and I think it creates a wonderful network of support.

I cannot begin to understand your loss and how hard it is for you. I can only tell you that I have a brother who fell from grace and got himself into alot of trouble (having to go to prison). It was a horrible ordeal for my family and it has taken years for all of us to accept the reality of what occurred. Place no blame on yourself. Your brother made his choice without thinking what he would leave behind, alot of hurt and disappointment from his loved ones. Acknowledge the loss, discuss it with your family and each strive to move on. Tough, I know, but time is your friend.

[eclectic]

Raindrop - a big, silent, teary hug goes out to you.

I know the feeling of the numbing, choking pain and feeling like you are living in a surreal world where nothing else seems to have importance, the heartache overwhelms everything.

My older sister is an attempted suicide survivor (3 separate incidents). It is only by the grace of God that she is still with us. She has been able to give us insight on what it is like to be in a suicidal state. She told us that once the decision was made nothing anyone could say or do would have prevented her from doing what she did.

When and if you would like to know anything more of what she said please feel free to PM me. Her description helped me with the "Why?"

You will run the gamut of emotions, circle yourself with loving, caring people and allow yourself to grieve. Grief counselling is an excellent idea and it helps.

Prayers go out for you and your family ((((((Raindrop)))))

[KSH]

Oh Raindrop... this is the place. *Soft Hugs*

What can one say... to something like that? It's horrible... it's tragic... and you have every right to feel so depressed about it.

All I can say is that I am sorry... and I send my condolences. Although the words seem pretty useless at a time like this.

[sbctwin]

{{{Raindrop}}} Thank you for sharing your struggle. Remember, grief has stages and one doesn't hop through them. There is no timetable. We progress the best we can. One day, you will see a rainbow again, but the process of grief will take time. You are in my prayers....