Dealing With It

[pooks]

I've been following the "childless" thread and have wisely refrained from saying anything, since having three kids, it would hardly be appropriate. (wry smile)

However, I think there are several spinoffs from that discussion and the one I'd like to know is -- how DO you deal with major life disappointments?

My way had been a combination of denial with the occasional bit of belligerance tossed in. I was pregnant and married at 17 (still married to the same great guy) which meant while my friends were experiencing college and/or the workplace complete with happy hours, dating, etc., I was not. But I'd decided right away that I refused to be ashamed, and I refused to act embarrassed, and just charged forward. I have friends who in similar situations went on to college, held down jobs, raised families -- sorry, I'm not cut that way. Other than two or three years before my second son was born, I haven't worked outside the home (except for occasional temp work). I can barely handle one thing well, and could never have juggled so many. Which yes, sometimes makes me feel inadequate, but, hey, not enough that I've ever lost sleep over it.

A friend told me that when she was pregnant with her second child, she wanted a daughter so badly that she cried after the birth of her second son, because she knew she'd never have a daughter. That upset me so much -- I swore I would NEVER set myself up that way, to CRY because I had a healthy baby! -- and when I got pregnant with my second child I decided (yes, DECIDED) that my first son was so perfect, I would absolutely LOVE to have a second one just like him. (Even though yes, I'd really wanted a girl.) When women said to me (too many times to count), "Well of course THIS time you want a girl," I'd respond with wide eyes, like the true southern lady my grandmother tried to make me into, "Really! Why would I?" And keep playing dumb while they kept trying to explain to me why I should want a girl more than a boy, until they got embarrassed and shut up. Ahem. Or sometimes I'd give them a more direct, curt answer. By the time I was pregnant with my third son? Oh, the poor women (strangers and friends alike) who dared tell me I wanted a girl THIS time didn't say it twice.

But more significantly, I don't have a college degree; by the time my kids were all in school and I assumed I'd be going back myself, I'd begun writing and was just so happy to have all those hours to myself, I couldn't even think of enrolling in classes again. I still plan to do it -- I'd love to. But I'd have to figure out a major (still haven't come up with anything that excites me enough) and quit doing the things I'm doing now. So yes, it's my choice not to have one but it doesn't make it easier when people share educational experiences that I didn't have, and I see a window into some of the stuff I've missed.... That "life" I gave up when I was 17.

But here's the thing. Yes, I have missed a million things my friends didn't miss, and my way of dealing with that was to simply decide I couldn't let myself care. Denial. And then go about building a life that would prove it -- to me and to them -- that I hadn't made a mistake. (Ah, the ego thing.) What? 17 and pregnant? Whatever. It's no big deal. We'll make it work. (And then, I had to do that.) I guess this is what "fake it till you make it" is all about.

I'm not advising denial or belligerance. I'm assuming/hoping there are a lot of other ways of handling loss and disappointment.

I'm just saying, this is how I've handled it myself. It doesn't mean I haven't shed tears and suffered doubts and qualms and beat myself up over my mistakes a million times, and wondered why certain things happened to me that didn't to other people. It just means that my way of dealing with it was to cry, and then move forward and pretend I didn't care, until the years passed and I looked back and realized I had created a reality for myself -- I really don't care now. I have been through all kinds of hell one way or another, but I love where I am now.

Would I be in a better place if my life had taken other turns? Maybe. Would I have been a better parent if I were older? Ouch, that's the biggie. The one huge regret I had was that we were such young parents, I felt I didn't do a good job emotionally with my kids. (At the time I thought we were doing great, but looking back I sometimes cringe!)

But two things happened. They grew up and they are great guys and they still love me (how did that happen?) so I didn't scar them for life, and they like each other and I love being around them, so maybe we did okay after all.

And I have three (count them THREE) women I know well who had their first (and only) babies when they were 41. And I've seen them and their husbands make mistakes. (How fun, since there was a time when two of them were tut-tutting over the mistakes WE were making, and now they ask us for advice. Heh.) And it finally hit me -- we all make mistakes. The mistakes I made were due to youth, but being older would have simply meant we made different mistakes, not no mistakes. Wow, what a revelation.

So now my husband and I have the benefit of being young and having enough health and youth stretching ahead of us to feel pretty free.

How have others handled "dealing with it," whatever "it" is?

[pooks]

Um ... as free as you can feel with sick, elderlies who need you, and grown kids who still need you. They don't call it the sandwich generation for nothing! But hey, that's life.

[SadieKate]

And it finally hit me -- we all make mistakes. The mistakes I made were due to youth, but being older would have simply meant we made different mistakes, not no mistakes. Wow, what a revelation.

That's good. Thanks for sharing. I think I'm in your same category of denial and belligerence. As my mom says, "you're just hard-headed." Ok, yeah, but I'm also the happily married one and the only member of my family who isn't morbidly obese and depressed.

[pooks]

My sister's "belligerance" is in "not looking like Mother." My mother has had a weight problem from middle age on, after starting off life very thin. So for my sister, that goal has always kept her from gaining too much weight.

Yet for me, as much as I'd prefer not to be overweight, I don't carry around the urgency and motivation my sister does, for one reason. Yes, I want to lose weight and am trying to increase my calorie-burn so that I can still eat things I like within reason, and still lose.

But if I did, that belligerance would have kept me thin. Darn it!

[mimitabby]

I hear you about the sex thing. When I had my first son (i wanted a girl) the lady in the room next to me already had all the stuff for her unborn child. This was back before the sonogram days, so she didn't know what she was having. She just KNEW she was going to have a girl. She had pink stuff all over the room, I was revolted. So my first kid was a boy, (and an amazingly easy baby) so I had another one... who was supposed to be a girl. wrong again.
CRY because it's the wrong sex? How minor a thing is that? my babies both had 10 fingers and 10 toes, and grew up to be great guys. I was glad I had two boys, and if DH hadn't had a vasectomy while i was still pg with #2, i would have been happy to have 3 boys. heck, i wouldn't know what to do with a girl!

I agree, you have to accept what life gives you.
how's it go, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, have the wisdom to know the difference?

ps my older son is going to a halloween party saturday dressed as a girl with a girl who is dressed like a boy for his date. He is even SHAVING HIS BEARD for this event!
(this really wierds me out, he thinks it's funny)

[indysteel]

Interesting question. Just a little bit about me for context. I'm 37, single and childless. I grew up in what was, objectively, a dysfunctional home. Of the three children in my family, I am the only one without a drug or alcohol dependency. Thankfully, none of the above three sentences actually reflects my reality, but that's after a lot of work.

I'm not ashamed to admit that after about 33 years of trying to deal with my family and upbringing, I decided to see a therapist. That was over three years ago, and my life has changed so much in that time. Therapy hasn't been a cure-all, but it has made it possible for me to love and accept myself more fully, to better realize happiness in my life and to develop and maintain the type of relationships that I want to have. I still encounter problems and set-backs, but I'm not better able to deal with and bounce back from them. My "highs" are higher and my lows are less frequent and less intense. So how do I deal with disappointment? In no particular order:

While "denial" is a natural part of grief and loss (and I can't say that I avoid it altogether), I try to acknowledge and respect my feelings, rather than deny them. In my experience, denial only serves to magnify the feeling; the feelings eventually come out "sideways" anyway, leading to arguably counterproductive behaviors. Interestingly, as my therapist points out, I identify a lot of my emotions as "being mad." I've gotten a lot better at admitting when I'm feeling sad, hurt, disappointed, insulted, etc. Calling a feeling what it really is helps diffuse it.

My therapist and I spend a lot of time talking about the "snake and the worm." Many of the current disappointments in my life (the "worm") often seem more acute because of something in my family or in my past (the "snake"). By identifying the snake for what it is and the worm for what it is, I am better able to understand what's really making me upset and better able to deal with it.

I try to practice healthy coping skills when I'm going through a loss. I practice yoga, I ride my bike, I reach out to friends, I take the time to do little things for myself that make me feel better. A friend of mine said the other day that "no one can take better care of me than me." So true. In the wake of a loss, I often try to focus on life-affirming things. For instance, I ended a relationship about five years ago with someone I truly loved. A few months later, I decided to take my first solo trip to Europe. It was incredibly healing and I have followed up with several other trips, each of which has made me feel "alive." Alive is good. More recently, in the wake of yet another breakfup, I have renewed some volunteering efforts. I hope to help other people in so doing but also know that I will help myself.

Most importantly, I pay close attention to what I tell myself about me. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that bad things happen to me (or, as is more often the case, that good things don't happen to me) because I'm a bad/unlovable person. I try to stop myself from that kind of thinking. Even when I know I've made a mistake, I'm careful about making negative generalizations about myself and try to keep the mistake in the perspective of my larger (mostly good) self.

More philosophically, I try to remember that happiness--no matter what life looks like on paper--is not something that just "happens." It's largely a choice. Some days that choice is hard; some days it's easy. It's wrong for me to assume that anybody else's life does not involve that same choice. AT times, I may envy my friends who are married with children, but their lives can be and often are just as difficult and just as lonely. Now that I feel more empowered with the help of therapy, that "choice" is very exciting to me. My life need not be a reflection of my family or upbringing.

I would note that since I've starting biking, everyone agrees that I'm a lot happier.

[Haudlady]

For years, the way I coped with difficult things in my life was to be with my horse. I can't even tell you how many times I cried on his shoulder! I talked to him for hours... he was the best listener. He was my best friend and companion for fourteen years. I had to put him down at the age of 21, three years ago on October 15th. This is too sad for words. When I think of him, which is often, I stop breathing for a second and my throat just closes up. Even though DH and I had been together for seven years by then, DH told me that night was the first time he ever saw me cry. I had done all my crying with my boy!

Now? Now what do I do? I take a walk in the trees, I weave at my loom, I breathe. I do the things that make me feel connected to the past ~ this settles me, and helps me realize that, at my core, I'm okay. And, sometimes, I cry on DH's shoulder, and that's okay too.

[indysteel]

Haudlady, your post really choked me up. I'm an animal person and totally understand that type of connection with a pet. I'm sorry that you lost him.

Kate

[pooks]

I've cried on my dogs' shoulders many, many times. There's something so totally comforting about animals, and I do have a preference for those that actually are big enough to have shoulders to cry on.

[LBTC]

Ah

Such an interesting topic

I do things in staccato. Short bursts of whatever. It's how I ride, I speak, I type, I do (did) yoga.... possibly not the best way of being, but that which is natural to me.

So when it comes to dealing with things, I have great methods of coping with short term stress. I've learned to visualize myself surrounded by butterflies. This works particularly well when riding on a road bike and feeling very vulnerable in the traffic. This is a hard thing to maintain when the difficulty or fear lasts more than through that one activity...when it's something that has affected your life.

Although I feel like I'm a happy and lucky person, there have been some difficult situations that have made me (and usually DH too) feel very alone, and, since I'm not one who easily asks for help, the feeling of aloneness lasts a long time.

If there's any truth to emotions changing our physical lives, whatever is wrong in my guts right now might be a direct result of not having coped well with those difficult times in the past. I've made efforts to take this difficult time and try to cope with it better.

What am I doing differently? Listening to my body better. I rest when I feel the need to rest, I start each day with gentle slow yoga (not the powerful too-fast yoga full of one-legged and arm balances that I used to do), when I thought I had an answer and it evaporated earlier this week, I vented - I was disappointed, sad, a little angry and I posted here, and called friends, and emailed friends, and told myself I could be sad for an evening. That was Monday and today I truly feel happy and there will be resolve from this.

I think maybe I'm learning to be less staccato, at least some of the time. That's probably good for coping.

Of course, through everything, taking pictures is as magical and powerful and connecting to earth's amazing energy for me as a church is to someone religious. It's important to have something like that in your life.

I have no idea if this makes any sense to anyone. I've written this post in staccato, too....I've gotten up several times while writing this!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[indysteel]

I just wanted to thank those of you who've contributed to this thread. For as many things I've had to deal with in my life, I'm humbled and moved when I read about what other people have gone through--and the strength and resilience that they exhibit. I wish we didn't have to go through those things in the first place, but the fact that we survive and thrive in the wake of hardship is very life affirming.

I hope, too, that my comments about happiness as a choice aren't misinterpreted. I certainly don't want to suggest that people choose to have bad things happen to them. Certainly, all manner of tragedy strikes for no reason at all. I wish it came easier, but my day-to-day happiness is something that takes work. In that sense, I try more often than not to choose to work at it, e.g., by employing healthy ways to cope, by acknowledging my feelings, by reaching to people. I hope that makes sense.

Kate

[pooks]

I think we all know that at times, emotions simply ARE and you not only can you not "choose" to change them, but you shouldn't. There's a time to mourn, a time to feel sad, a time to be angry and even bitter. But I think it's also empowering to discover that not only is it healthy to experience that emotion, you also have the ability to choose to move on, and I think that's what "happiness is a choice" is all about. It's also an action. It's finding the way to build a new, different happiness from the one you dreamed of into your life and move forward.

Not always easy, but considering the other option....

[Tuckervill]

I hear your whole post, Pooks. My story is very similar to yours, even down to 3 sons, but I was 20, and I'm married to someone else now. Your whole post screams EMPOWERMENT to me. You are in possession of a sense of empowerment and are not afraid to take responsibility for your own choices. I had this happen and that happen and this, and it's not worse or better. It's just different.

Is it what it is.

What an empowering thing to know.

A friend of mine used to ask herself, "What do I have in my hand?" By which she meant, I will do what is next, based on her available choices. She had 12 kids, and faced much adversity and in the meantime changed the world. So, I ask myself often, too, when things look bad or uncertain..."what's in my hand?" and I use it. The power to choose is *always* there.

I loved your whole post, Pooks. Inspiring and full of good examples about what TO do. Thanks.

Karen

[CyclChyk]

As a very messed up product of a very ugly divorce, I learned the best way for me to "deal" was to supress. But what would happen is that every so often, I would have a breakdown. Not a mental breakdown where I needed intervention, but a breakdown that caused all the things I had been supressing to boil at the surface and leave me a wreck. I began to get depressed without realizing I was depressed.

My strength did not come from therapy. It came from my husband. He was the first one who made me examine the things I was supressing so that I was able to pick apart the pieces that I was responsible for, and for those that I wasn't. And once I made the choice not to supress but to find closure, be it good or bad, I found my "happy place".

I still have issues. But I too have chosen to move on. To leave them in the past and ENJOY my life for a change. So how do I deal now? I vent instead of supress so I get it out. And come the next day, or next hour, and sometimes even the next minute, I am ok. And I smile.