childless?

[Nokomis]

This is a bit of a spin off from the menstral cycle thread...

Any others here dealing w/ not being able to conceive? DH and I are trying to work thru infertility - and are currently no longer trying. We've been thru every workup the docs can think of - and have Unexplained fertility. We're now early 30s, have gone thru trying w/ a little bit of assisted/medicated cycles. My menstral cycle is messed up - but again - docs can find nothing techinically wrong in order to fix it. I've also tried a year of accupuncture & herbs with no change. When it comes to baby making we've decided that IVF and Adoption are not for us.

My struggle is learning how to deal with tomorrow - and the thought of Never being a mother. I'm content in today, and if I live day to day things are good. But if I think about the future I crumble & don't know how to deal.

My doc thinks that my cycle issues may be best dealt with by getting pregnant - even though I've told her that is not our goal. I've distanced myself from that thought enough that my brain/logic find it absolutely frighting to consider being a parent. While at the same time, my emotional side craves being a caregiver and nurturer. I also find myself being very resentful and angry? when I see pregnant women or young children out & about w/ their families.

I have no idea who to talk to about this ~ or how to resolve all the emotions.

[LBTC]

Hi, Nokomis

This sounds like a painful experience for you, but also that you are taking the right steps for yourself to accept what mother nature has given you. It's never easy to want something you can never have. There are many philosophies and religions that teach the acceptance and love as the answers to everything, you may find some solace there.

From a more practical point of view, there are a number of ways to feed your mothering, nurturing needs. Pets are, for me and my DH, our children. We care for them in many of the ways that human children are cared for, and have a very similar emotional attachment. Even if you have pets, I would understand if this is not enough for you.

My next thought would be to become a big sister. There are also big couples that can be matched to younger brothers or sisters. I haven't been involved in this program, but have heard great things about it from both perspectives.

There are also lots of charitable organizations out there that help people in all stages of life, with all sorts of different issues. These organizations are always looking for more volunteers, and if you stopped in to your local volunteer registry, you may find the perfect organization for you to put your energies into.

Lastly, you may try to do something which I saw in a news article years ago, that they do in Japan. Apparently there childless couples adopt grandchildren! I've been thinking for years that when I'm in my 50's that's likely something I'll try to do. I like the idea of being involved in developing child's life without being ultimately responsible for them!

Thank you for sharing your troubles with us. I'm sending healing energy your way, with lots of hugs and butterflies. We each have a path custom designed for us. You will learn to thrive on your own path!

Namaste,
~T~

[HipGnosis6]

Ty doc thinks that my cycle issues may be best dealt with by getting pregnant - even though I've told her that is not our goal.

FIND A NEW DOCTOR.

I have PCOS; it is THE leading cause of female infertility and it is often diagnosed by the presence of an irregular menstrual cycle along with insulin resistance or diabetes. Backwards thinking doctors don't know or don't bother to check your sugars or insulin levels in reference to infertility. They also don't know that it is TREATABLE and will often reccomend things like getting pregnant or losing weight as the only way to fix an unknown or improperly diagnosed issue.

If your doctor thinks that getting pregnant will cure your infertility woes, he's clearly one of the people who cheated on his medical exams....

[emily_in_nc]

Hi Nokomis,

My husband and I went through the whole infertility rollercoaster in my 30s: temperature taking/tracking ovulation, "just relax"ing, getting tested, surgery, and finally, two IVFs, the second of which was successful in getting me pregnant (after 8-9 years of trying)...only to miscarry at 12 weeks. It was the worst emotional pain I'd ever had to go through to that point in my life because I'd wanted the baby *so so* badly.

After many tears, arguments, and discussions, we finally decided "enough". It was very, very hard to do that. It felt like failing, and was a huge loss on so many levels. I went to counseling for awhile, trying to figure out how to live with not being a mother. By this time we were old enough (DH is 7.5 years older than me) that we didn't really want to start the entirely different but similarly emotionally draining adoption roller coaster. We were just tired of it all.

Slowly, ever so slowly, after grieving over the miscarrage and finally deciding not to continue trying, life started being fun again. It took awhile, and there were definite regrets. The loss of a lifelong dream is difficult for a long time, but I miscarried 9 years ago, so I can now speak from a "down the road" perspective.

At 45, I've never been happier or more content in my life. My life is complete even without a child -- 10-15 years ago I could never have believed that. I have wonderful nieces and nephews, but overall am not very "child oriented", preferring to hang out with adults. I have a lot of child-free friends, which helps a lot since they're all happy folks too. I'm getting into so many different activities now (cycling, hiking, mountain biking, gym, running, kayaking, hoping to add backpacking to that list next year) that my mom friends don't have time for since their kids' activities take all their time.

It gets better, I promise. I hope you don't have to walk the childless road if you don't want to, but I didn't want it, and instead of trudging wearily as I was doing years ago, I'm now skipping merrily along it, looking forward to early retirement, traveling, and many happy days ahead. Life is good. Time is an amazing healer and provider of perspective. The infertility roller coaster is all-consuming, but getting off that endless ride and doing some life-affirming things helped me see that there is more to life than trying for what we just can't have, for whatever reason.

All the best to you in whatever path your life takes...

Emily

[CyclChyk]

Altho I don't know the pain you feel about being unable to conceive I can certainly understand your pain. I wish I had some magic words to say to you in order to keep your hope alive, but all I can do is send you a mental hug.

I have a friend who is undergoing the same things as you. She has been artifically inseminated 3 times. None have taken. She has been on various hormones for well over a year, and tho she has not yet become pregnant she now bears the risk of multiple births when it actually happens, if ever. She has been scraped, proded and poked. She feels like a ginea pig and yet she keeps trying. The expense is unbelievable.

She has confided in me that she feels "defective". Like there is something wrong with her or that she has done something horrible to be unable to conceive when all her peers are turning up pregnant and giving birth. (I know of 5 so far this year). But she is a beautiful person and I know there has to be a higher reason for things to be turning out the way they are.

You are in my prayers.

[Bad JuJu]

Just another family-without-children woman checking in with my two cents. (By the way, it bugs me the way the word family has been taken over to mean "with kids"--aren't dh and I a family??? )

Anyway, DH and I decided in our early thirties (well, mid-thirties for him) that we did not want to be parents, and mostly we've never looked back. I say "mostly" because he seemed to experience a moment or two of regret (though, oddly, I didn't) a few years ago when I started going through menopause. But it was gone in the wink of an eye. Though it does suggest that you want to try to be pretty sure about your decision.

Like Emily, we're not very kid-oriented, though don't generally dislike children--as some people will think you do if you don't have any. But we aspire to be the best aunt and uncle ever, and have always had dogs. And maybe it's a little different because we've both been teachers, and have had an opportunity to do some nurturing in that sense.

Seems like I've heard there are support groups for the fertility-challenged. You might search the internet. On the other hand, know that life can be fun and happy and marvelously fulfilling, even without having children.

[Geonz]

I agree about getting a second opinion... a lady I know struggled with infertility for *years* and then got her blood sugar regular and conceived amazingly quickly.
On the other hand, as a childless 46-year-old, I do a *lot* of nurturing that is only possible for me to do because I don't have kids. (I also find that I simply don't feel that anything is missing from my life because there aren't kids... I truly, honestly don't have the urge and have always wondered what it was like - you have my sympathy if not empathy there!)
I do have family, and there is tons of love in my life in little and big ways; I have consciously cultivated close friendships and/or other have cultivated them with me.
And I have my bikes!

[CyclChyk]

Anyway, DH and I decided in our early thirties (well, mid-thirties for him) that we did not want to be parents, and mostly we've never looked back............On the other hand, know that life can be fun and happy and marvelously fulfilling, even without having children.

My DH and I as well decided very early in our relationship that we did not want to be parents. Not that kids aren't great, its just they are not great to us unless they belong to someone else. Once in awhile my DH and I will get a twinge of regret for not having a child. But it only lasts for a very small moment.

And I completely agree with JUJU as our life is fun and happy and fulfilling. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I also agree with KIT that adoption is such a great option. I know someone who adopted a baby a year and 1/2 ago and they love that baby as tho it were their own flesh and blood. Sure its expensive, but if you want something badly enough you find a way.

[Nokomis]

thank you all - this is always a supportive & healing place to be!

I am on doc #4, if I include my acupuncturist. This is the first doc who told me she'd take my spotting seriously - but after 3 visists I got the "dont know what to do with you" shrug.

As I tried to convey, I'm doing very well in the day to day & with the life that DH & I have together. The difficulty is baby envy, and watching close friends bring their little ones into the world. I'm also convinced there is a boom - cuz they're everywhere!

We've got the pets, I've done a bunch of volunteering but had to step away this year... but still can't quite let go of the baby dream, for as much as baby fear is keeping me away.

Thanks again & again!

[LBTC]

The difficulty is baby envy

Nokomis, your comment about envy reminded me of an excellent article I read in Yoga Journal
http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/1157_1.cfm

I get the sense that you are handling this entire difficult phase with a lot of grace and love. Your posts tell me also that you're ready to seek answers from a higher or deeper source. The road to peace is challenging to each of us with plenty of obstacles all designed to help us learn that which we need to learn most. I have found solace and guidance in the writings of the tao, in the practice and reading about the wisdom of yoga, and a deeper way of thinking in the tarot. I've also found peace, gratitude and joy in the photos I take. (I didn't mention biking here this time, because I'm unable to do it during this phase of my life, so I must rely on my other sources...)

You'll find your ways to deal with this issue in the long term. And whenever you are having difficulty with it, just post again!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[SheFly]

As I tried to convey, I'm doing very well in the day to day & with the life that DH & I have together. The difficulty is baby envy, and watching close friends bring their little ones into the world. I'm also convinced there is a boom - cuz they're everywhere!

I, too, have been for a ride on the infertility roller coaster. I always assumed I would have children, and it just wasn't meant to be.

Like you, as we were dealing with our grief over not having a family, it seemed that everyone around us was happily announcing that they were expecting, including our siblings! It really was hard to see and to hear, but I did my best to be happy and supportive of all of them. I think that the hardest thing for me to deal with was a college friend who had a daughter, and then started complaining about lack of sleep, the work, etc - all while KNOWING that I couldn't have children!

I am happy to say, however, that now DH and I are very happy with our lives. We focus on each other and our friends, and we are a great aunt and uncle. About a year ago I was overly late one month and knew that I had crossed a hurdle when my thinking was that I couldn't possibly be pregnant because it would totally affect my lifestyle!

The hardest part of all of this is accepting the hand you are dealt, and moving on. It will be difficult as your friends and family have children. You will grieve, and you will, in time, find yourself in a great place for you.

Best wishes.

SheFly

[xeney]

Emily, thank you so much for your post. I'm 37 and I am in a pretty bad transition stage ... a year ago my husband didn't want kids but had a fairly open mind about the subject, then I got accidentally pregnant and had a miscarriage in May, then we were ambivalent and not really trying but I had a couple of chemical pregnancies, then he said he didn't want to try, now he's back to being open to the possibilities, but I just had my first half-hearted appointment with the doctor and there is apparently some concern that I am not ovulating properly and might need assistance to get pregnant again. And I think my husband's ambivalence, plus my absolute terror of having another miscarriage, is enough that we probably won't go that route.

Throughout all of this, I have tried really hard to make a life in which I am happy without kids. I've been trying to do that since I was in my 20s, since he was absolutely not ready for kids then, and I have seen enough people have their lives truly ruined by fertility struggles that I just wanted to make sure it did not happen to me.

But at some point I realized that I was lacking good role models for living a happy life without children. For various professional reasons, most of my female colleagues are older than I am, and about half of them don't have children. At some point I noticed that that was definitely the unhappy half. They weren't taking advantage of their freedoms to do anything but work a lot of unpaid overtime, they were just a pretty unhappy group. I don't know if the unhappiness is a cause or effect or totally unrelated to not having kids, but I have been looking for some happy role models for a while, pretty unsuccessfully.

That is one reason I started spending more time here at TE, honestly ... I noticed a lot woman about five to ten years older than I am, without kids, who seemed to be having pretty fulfilling lives. It breaks my heart to find out how many of you got to the point after going through fertility struggles, but it is good to know that there is an other side out there.

[SheFly]

But at some point I realized that I was lacking good role models for living a happy life without children. For various professional reasons, most of my female colleagues are older than I am, and about half of them don't have children. At some point I noticed that that was definitely the unhappy half. They weren't taking advantage of their freedoms to do anything but work a lot of unpaid overtime, they were just a pretty unhappy group. I don't know if the unhappiness is a cause or effect or totally unrelated to not having kids, but I have been looking for some happy role models for a while, pretty unsuccessfully.

That is one reason I started spending more time here at TE, honestly ... I noticed a lot woman about five to ten years older than I am, without kids, who seemed to be having pretty fulfilling lives. It breaks my heart to find out how many of you got to the point after going through fertility struggles, but it is good to know that there is an other side out there.

From what I have read so far in this thread, I think you may have come to the right place!

I am only a year older than you, but wanted to let you know that I am childless and have a VERY fulfilling and happy life! While I may work more than 40 hours a week (in high tech, who doesn't?), my focus and fulfillment come from outside of work - friends, family, biking (a HUGE part of my life), skiing, snowmobiling...

This has been my first year of competitive cycling - something that I don't think I could have done with children, given the training requirements and travel schedules on the weekends to attend races. I am having a blast racing and training. It is amazing to see just how far I have come over the past year. I have races scheduled until the middle of December, and then I will transition into ski/snowmobile season!

My point in sharing this with you is that there are PLENTY of childless women out there, either by choice or unfortunate circumstance, who lead happy, fulfilling lives that aren't necessarily just defined by a career. I love my job too, but it is not what defines me. I guess this is what you would call the "other" side .

SheFly

[Bluetree]

But at some point I realized that I was lacking good role models for living a happy life without children.. That is one reason I started spending more time here at TE, honestly ... I noticed a lot woman about five to ten years older than I am, without kids, who seemed to be having pretty fulfilling lives.

Xeney, I am one of those people who never wants/wanted children. I knew it from an early age. Perhaps being an artist (a driven one at that) has something to do with it. My life revolves around creating art so I’ve never had the urge to create another human being. Similarly, I work with horses so I never have a shortage of lifeforms to nurture and care for, including working for charities that nurses back to health horses rescued from slaughterhouse pens.

I think almost all women have these needs of creation and caregiving, but I’m not convinced that having children is the only answer out there. There are a lot of wonderful, humane and selfless things that women can do to make the world a better place... and we have the power, the will and generosity of spirit to do so.

She says my concerns are ‘stupid’ and that I’ll ‘change my mind’ once I hit my mid to late 20s... I’m not so sure. I just know how people tend to look back and say “You knew how you felt in the first place- why are you suddenly bringing this up now?!” when the time to make an actual decision on something comes.

I’ve been telling people my whole life that I never wanted kids. Many of them say that “You’ll change your mind,” or “Just wait and see,” or some other nonsense. I find that response arrogant and patronizing. In my 39-years of existence, I can’t recall ever telling anyone that their personal beliefs and aspirations were a passing phase... even if I did not agree with it.

Many people who want/have kids simply cannot fathom why others don’t. My parents consider it one’s duty to procreate. My family’s ancestral home/estate dates back to the 1500s and the family tree is a wall decoration (it actually covers the whole wall). Talk about pressure! But even my lifelong refusal to breed has not dissuaded my parents’ hopes and expectations. So even if you are up front with your SOs, sometimes it never sinks in.

My agent of six years recently went through a very bad breakup with his GF, just because of this. 16 years her senior, Ed told her (and it was no secret) that he did not want to have children. Gail was convinced she could change his mind and tried for five years, getting more and more miserable and resentful until she finally had a breakdown and left him. It was sad, but in her burning desire to be a mother she never paid attention to the truth in front of her.

[emily_in_nc]

Emily, thank you so much for your post. I'm 37 and I am in a pretty bad transition stage ... a year ago my husband didn't want kids but had a fairly open mind about the subject, then I got accidentally pregnant and had a miscarriage in May, then we were ambivalent and not really trying but I had a couple of chemical pregnancies, then he said he didn't want to try, now he's back to being open to the possibilities, but I just had my first half-hearted appointment with the doctor and there is apparently some concern that I am not ovulating properly and might need assistance to get pregnant again. And I think my husband's ambivalence, plus my absolute terror of having another miscarriage, is enough that we probably won't go that route.

This sounds a lot like where we were -- I was 36 when I miscarried. My husband was always more ambivalent about having children than I was. I wanted it so badly, where he could go either way. So we did argue quite a bit about continuing the infertility treatments (I initially wanted to, he didn't), and in the end, I let him "win" because it was such a painful road to go down with so many seemingly inevitable disappointments. Expensive too! And like you, I was terrified that I might get pregnant again (through IVF), only to suffer another loss -- that was scarier in many ways than never being pregnant again.

For various professional reasons, most of my female colleagues are older than I am, and about half of them don't have children. At some point I noticed that that was definitely the unhappy half. They weren't taking advantage of their freedoms to do anything but work a lot of unpaid overtime, they were just a pretty unhappy group. I don't know if the unhappiness is a cause or effect or totally unrelated to not having kids, but I have been looking for some happy role models for a while, pretty unsuccessfully.

Yes, it can be hard to find us, but we're out here! I got lucky in that a few long-term friends ended up choosing the childfree path for entirely different reasons than me, and I made another friend in the infertility forums when we were both going through it together. We supported each other through the roller coaster, and like me, she was ultimately unsuccessful in her quest to have a child but is now happily remarried to a wonderful guy and living a great life in her late 40s. There are also a couple of childfree gals at work who are happy and have great lives, and don't live just to work longer hours.

The other group of women I've found to be fun to hang out and do things with is those who had their child(ren) young and are now empty-nesters. They aren't wheeling baby strollers or coaching soccer, and most are actively involved in hobbies (like cycling) and other healthy pursuits that interest them at this stage in their lives. Most of these women are in their 40s and 50s but have a youthful zest for life and could care less if I have children as it's just not a main topic of conversation or a huge focus in their lives any more.

I used to be hugely jealous of pregnant women, moms with babies, moms with kids, etc, but now that my friends are getting older and their kids are getting up towards the difficult teen years, I found that that envy has melted away. My life is simpler and with fewer worries -- I never have to worry about my kid driving drunk or using drugs.

It really does get a lot better as you get older and the immediacy of the fertility struggle is in the past.

Emily