for anyone who has or has had a dog who will eat anything!

[bikerchick68]

Let me preface this by saying this was sent to me... it is NOT my dog... but somehow it's still painfully familiar... hope you find it as hysterically funny as I did... poor Jasper!


*Jasper and the Uncooked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.


Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was, however, assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was **8:30pm**. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.

Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part.

We arose at **7:30** and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same
time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.


Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of **Muskogee** on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they
smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did. Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor,
> we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part.

The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor, none the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to "How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."

And how was your Day?

[Barb]

Oh my god that was the funniest thing I have read in a LOOONG time! I had a dog who loved cereal. Once my son left a new box of froot loops on the table before we left for the day. That dog ate the whole box! so the next day, I am cleaning up the yard....you guessed it, technocolor dog bombs!

[Tater]

I don't know about that dogs not burping thing! I have an Australian Shepherd that belches after dinner!

[kerrybelle]

I have a Bullmastiff who's always burping, especially after he drinks water. I love him anyway!

[newfsmith]

As a vet tech, I frequently brought home discarded pets. My kids used to ask 2 questions, "Do we get to name this one or does it come with a name already?" and "Why do all of our pets arrive with funny haircuts?". Our first dog, "Puff", who looked very much like the dragon in the movie The Never-ending Story; arrived 2 days before my son's 8th birthday. While I was outside setting the picnic table, Puff ate 7/8ths of the birthday cake I had spent an hour decorating to Josh's specifications. Having been a stray, he showed no ill effects, but it did take a couple of days for Josh to forgive him.

[Running Mommy]

That was pretty darn funny! I have a great dane, and yeah, she burps! In fact she waits till she's right up next to my face to burp... nice!
The worse thing she did was eat my son's gingerbread house. He was devastated, but not as much as I was when I had to try to get the hard candy stains out of my beige berber carpet! DANG DOG!! I STILL have stains! But she's our baby, so what are you gonna do??

[wabisabi]

As a recent new owner of a fox terrier (I previously posted a picture of my expensive PI bike shorts with the crotch eaten...) I laughed pretty hard, if somewhat ruefully. Today I found a pair of my Patagonia underwear in the yard,although they seem OK. I am embarassed to say that mine actually sleeps the same way as described, only under the covers. Fortunately, she is also incredibly smart and cute.

[nuthatch]

OMG! This was hilarious! It's so enjoyable when it happens to someone else (my Jack Russell is a kitchen dispose-all).

My sister has a story of her pup, a sheltie, who would eat ANYTHING. One day she looks over and sees something hanging out of her backside. It's a string. Yes, the pup had eaten a tampon and it was working its way, undigested, through the system! UGG!!!

[kerrybelle]

Worst I've had, out the backside of my dog, was long pieces of grass/weeds. Couldn't imagine a tampon!!

[ladyjai]

had a dog that ate a bar of soap when we were camping. she also loved sticks of butter and loaves of bread.

Of course, one of my favorite stories with her doesn't involve food. She was in the tent trailer with us. (She is a golden retriever). Unlike most dogs, she doesn't launch into a barking frenzy right away when something happens. she watches (or in this case, listens carefully). She waited until it was obviously coming in to invade our campsite and barked, loud and hard and mean. The nasty odor of a skunk began wafting towards us, and several groans and moans filled the trailor.

The best part? the next morning, we found a perfect circle on the ground where the skunk sprayed. he was so scared, he never had a chance to lift his tail! he peed his pants! I bet you that skunk thought twice before scavenging a campsite

[doc]

My avatar is my sweet 92lb bouvier. She burps every night after dinner. Usually in my face. I think (I hope) it's a "thank you".

As for eating inappropriate stuff, whooo boy she's got that covered. One day she snuck upstairs and raided the bathroom garbage. She ate 4 disposable razors. I only know that because the NEXT day the (now fired) babysitter who was there at the time told me "by the way cocoa got into the garbage". No more details than that. So I investigated the garbage pail and found the chewed bottom of the plastic handle to four razors. Later I found a pile of chewed razor blades - just the metal - out in the yard mixed with a little vomit. Elsewhere I found plastic bits in her poop. Not a single drop of blood from her mouth or elsewhere. Whew!

[MomOnBike]

Vrka, our stray Doberman had evidently been starved as a pup. As a result, she would eat anything at all. This includes bananas with peel, 5 pounds of dry rice, a piece of fried chicken that my Dad was holding (well, it was just about at her level...), a box of cloves (she had to climb up to the spice rack for that one), and other items, as they say, too numerous to mention.

We think that she had been poisoned at least once, her coat never quite recovered from it - it was dry and rough, not at all a doberman-type coat.

Her gaseous emmissions are legendary to this day, just ask my brothers.

Ah, the memories.

[bikerz]

When I was a kid we had a great dane-mastiff mix that ate a partially thawed leg of lamb (styrofoam, plastic wrap, label and all) off the kitchen counter. We never found the syrofoam or plastic, but the bone showed up eventually.

[Lise]

Orphan Annie, our English Setter, would eat anything. Perhaps the worst, mess-wise, was that she'd go into any purse she could find, and pull out a lipstick. Chew it, drag it around, poop it out...ARGH!

A friend's cocker spaniel got into the rum balls one Christmas. Not nearly as bloated as Jaspar, but just as drunk. Wagged her tail so hard she sprained it. Ow.

I laughed so hard at Jaspar's tale that I think I sprained something.... L.

[bentforlife]

We had a border collie that would eat everything, including dill pickles. And he would burp ever so loudly after eating. It was like impolite if he didn't burp!

The Mini Rat Terrier we have loves paper products of all kinds...if you get my meaning. She devoured a "used" tampon and got constipated. Not much fun having to pull this string out of a dog's butt with her yelping and nipping my hand. A little mineral oil got the rest out. Needless to say I went out and got a trashcan with a tight fitting lid on it with a foot pedal for the lid. Also gave the daughters a stern admonishment about using the trashcan and making sure the lid was all the way down. Hasn't happened anymore.

Donna