Can't seem to get back on the bike

[hirakukibou]

It's been four months since my best friend/ex-husband/co-parent was senselessly murdered and the bicycle tour I was on came to an abrupt and tragic halt. Since then I haven't not been able to ride much. When I get on the bike I feel such overwhelming grief and pain and can't stop crying; I tend to avoid it. But I miss riding too. I have been trying to take short rides with sympathetic friends. This sort of works. Really, I am having a hard time doing much of anything productive.

Traumatic grief, I reminded by my psychopharmacologist, is its own thing -- different from the depression I have struggled with for the past thirteen years, different from the "normal" grief I am dealing with after my father's death in May.

I have gained weight. I am not in shape. It is all quite depressing. I am hoping maybe the advent of spring in a couple of months will help.

I am so not sure how to deal with this.

Thanks for hearing me out. I have never felt such profound and painful grief nor have I ever felt so estranged from my beloved bicycle.

Hoping to find the connection to cycling again. . . sooner rather than later would be good.

-- Hira

[Owlie]

(((Hikarukibou)))

Don't feel guilty about not riding. You've got other stuff that you need to process. The bike(s) will be there when you're ready.

That's about all I've got.

[thekarens]

I don't have any good advice, but I'd give you a hug if it were possible. Sounds like you already have a therapist and hopefully a grief counselor. Give yourself a break and be easy on yourself.

[hirakukibou]

Owlie and the karens, thanks for the hugs and kind words. I do have a therapist, a psychopharm, and a grief counselor. In fact, there is a Center for Homicide Bereavement in my community and I see the grief counselor from there. I have good friends who are supportive as well. Yet, it is hard for folks to understand (which is understandable) and there are times I definitely feel more like a Martian than usual. Thanks for the support. It means a lot.

[OakLeaf]

((((((Hira)))))) Baby steps. Sounds like you're taking them. Sometimes it doesn't feel like you're going forward at all, but you are. Take good care.

[Kiwi Stoker]

Maybe try something else physical for the time being? Maybe something social if you can tolerate it (dancing, gym classes, a walking group) just to keep up some form of exercise to make yourself feel well and keep fit.

Best wishes to you.

[jobob]

Maybe try something else physical for the time being?

That's good advice. A temporary change in activity might help, at least a little bit. Wishing you the best.

[indysteel]

Oh my gosh, hira. I was unaware that this happened. Although I see now that you posted about it in October. I must have missed that thread. In any event, I am so very sorry.

Do you practice yoga? I know that it has helped me in my roughest emotional times in ways that surpass the benefits of other forms of exercise. Perhaps it's something to try instead of biking. As Owlie said, the bike will be there when you're ready.

Hugs to you.

[lph]

Oh my. I had missed this too. I'm so sorry you have to go through this!

Re: your bike; I had a similar aversion to my cellphone after my brother died suddenly, and I spent most of a long car trip home from vacation trying to get hold of my mother via that phone to tell her. After that I just wanted to throw the horrible thing in the trash, I would hide it because I couldn't bear looking at it. I bought a new phone, but when I found the old one in a drawer many months later the aversion had just disappeared. Maybe it's ok to just give your bike a break.

I hope you find some kind of physical activity that you are comfortable with and don't have to force yourself to do. It really helps, there's a lot of free therapy in there.

[AppleTree]

[QUOTE=hirakukibou;667560 Yet, it is hard for folks to understand (which is understandable) and there are times I definitely feel more like a Martian than usual. Thanks for the support. It means a lot.[/QUOTE]

Exactly this. No one could possibly understand what you've been going through...treat yourself with MUCH kindness... Many healing thoughts going your way hirakukibou. Your bike will still be there when you are ready to get back in the saddle.

[ny biker]

I can't really add anything except to offer my condolences.

Maybe you could consider taking walks as an alternative activity for now. It's easy -- no special equipment needed except comfortable clothes and good walking shoes, no prep time like cleaning a drive train or pumping up tires, and less affected by winter weather (for me at least). I find that a nice long walk can help me clear my mind and work through stress.

You will get better. I hope you start feeling that way soon.

[tealtreak]

So sorry and wish we lived closer so i could offer legit help....All I can offer is while staying off the bike is not a bad thing....getting outside /fresh air/exercise is massively therapeutic on many levels. Maybe hiking, boating, skiing...IDN....anything in the way of getting out might help.....positive thoughts and hugs from cyberspace sent your way....

[hirakukibou]

I really appreciate all the comments and support. I have a yoga routine that I may resurrect and when the temperature goes up from the high of 17 degrees I might try a walk (even though I really don't like walking much) just to get outside. One day at a time.

[murielalex]

I can only echo what others have said. Even though I don't know you, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're working with people who can, at least, understand your experience, and help guide you through. Get back on the bike when you're ready. It will be there for you when you are. Sometimes reframing how we think about the things we do can be helpful, and when you're ready, maybe look at doing the small actions, like riding a bike or even starting something new, as a way to honor the man you loved. I wish you well.

[emily_in_nc]

If it's any help at all, it took me something like 9 months to ride on the road again after my father was killed in a car accident. I definitely think I experienced "traumatic grief" -- it was quite protracted and very intense.

I actually didn't seek counseling, though I probably should have. I read a lot about grief and just tried to be kind to myself and not force myself to do things I didn't want to do. I became somewhat of a hermit for quite some time.

Eventually time did help more than anything else. Once I got back on the bike, I did just fine. Four months isn't that far out -- I was still pretty much a mess four months after losing my dad. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the gift of time to deal with this tragic loss.

*hugs*