Help! Need to ditch slow neighbor! (long-ish)

[climbergirl]

Okay, so I feel like a total jerk here, but I've got to find a way out of a bad situation.

A month or six weeks ago, upon hearing that I biked a lot, my neighbor (let's call her Jane) asked me if I wanted to bike with her and her friend (let's call her Sue). I asked about their route and was told it was a loop of about 13-14 miles that I tend to do when I don't have a lot of time. I usually ride it in about 50 minutes to an hour (there are stoplights along a good chunk of it). Jane said they usually rode it in about an hour or so. I thought Perfect! Women to ride with!

Jane told me Sue rode this route almost every single morning. She also warned me that she (Jane) might be a little slow. Still okay, I thought.

I showed up the next morning with my road bike and casual kit to find Jane in her mom jeans with a 20+year-old no-brand mountain bike. "Okay," I thought, "This is okay. We'll have a slower ride, maybe her friend Sue will be someone I can ride with. Well, Sue had bailed on us and completed her ride earlier in the morning due to weather considerations (with no prior communication - we waited in front of her house ten minutes before finding out she'd been and gone).

Jane and I did the route as planned. It took nearly 1:45. Our average speed was 10 mph, and I felt like I was pushing her too hard.

I wanted to be neighborly (we moved into our place in June), and it's nice to have someone to talk to and ride with (I almost always ride alone except weekends with my SO), so I figured I could ride with Jane as a recovery ride once a week. Sometimes it helps to have someone push you out the door when you're busy and the weather is cool etc etc. I've ridden with Jane 4 more times, with no increase in speed. She talks about riding for exercise, but she spends more time coasting than pedaling. Sometimes we're going so slow I have trouble keeping my bike upright and stable.

Today Jane and Sue and I were supposed to ride that same loop, stopping for breakfast at a cafe halfway through. Social ride. Cool. Fine. Meet new person/rider. Turned out Sue is also a casual rider, who was riding an ancient mountain bike with a broken rear derailleur (I think) with slack in the chain because her "regular bike" had gotten a flat and she didn't know how to fix it. Needless to say, ancient mountain bike only made it about two blocks before the chain came off. Sue walked back home and drove to meet us.

After sending Sue back towards home, I expressed some concern about this thing not taking four hours (slight exaggeration; but I had other stuff to do) and suggested we cut part of the loop out. Jane got VERY huffy and offended. Things almost got ugly. I almost turned around and rode home. Long story short, we cut four miles out of the loop and it STILL took us three hours to ride under ten miles and have breakfast.

I can't ride with her any more. I can't take it. I have good cardio. I need to work on my strength and hills. Winter is closing in. Any day I can ride, I've got to ride (it's Minnesota, folks). And while I want to remain neighborly, I was pretty offended by her behavior this morning. I had told her when we arranged the ride that I needed to keep it under 2.5 hours. She didn't have good communication with her friend either time. This morning we waited in front of her house for 5 or so minutes before Jane called Sue only to find out she was waiting for us at a different corner, on the main bike route two blocks away. I don't need to be chewed out for being rude or inconsiderate because I made one comment about running behind schedule and needing to move things along.

Gah! I don't know whether to tell her I need to focus on training in the remaining nice days, or try to sneak out the bike, hope she doesn't see me, and just always tell her I'm too busy if she invites me to ride. She literally lives next door. All she has to do is look out the kitchen window to see me headed out... But I'm really concerned that she'll take it as a personal insult, "You're too SLOW!", if I tell her the truth. Sure, she's slower than I am, and slower than I want to ride. But that's not her fault, or my fault, and I'm not trying to be critical. I'm trying to take care of myself.

Sorry about the rant. But I was PISSED OFF and frustrated this morning, and the only thing that kept me from turning the bike around and saying "Whatever!" was that I have to live next door to this woman for the foreseeable future!

I really just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks...

[Irulan]

I think direct, clear and tactful is the the way to go. You make it about yourself, not about her.
(hmm, now how to say it?)

I'd just say you are in training and you need to ride at "X" pace, and while you appreciate the company, it's not working for your training program. You can always add that "your coach " or "your program" has set these guidelines. They don't have to know that you are your own coach, or that you make the guidelines. You''d be happy to join them for a recovery ride sometime.

The thing is, if they get bent out of shape (bad pun, sorry) about it, are they worth having as friends?

[Jo-n-NY]

I agree with Irulan. I kind of feel she was not honest with you from the beginning saying she also rode the loop in an hour or so. Or so does not mean 45 minutes later in my book.

[Owlie]

I'm seeing this from both sides, being that I'm the slowpoke in my group. You want a workout and you're not getting it with your current riding buddy. She wants a leisurely ride. Just remember that she probably feels intimidated by you, just as you feel frustrated.

How close are you with her? You don't have to be honest, but you could tell most of the truth. Like "I like riding with you, but I'm also training for (early-season event) and I'm trying to focus on that right now. Perhaps in spring?" and offer to do something socially with her. The event gives you some specific goal. If the communication thing doesn't improve, then you're going to have to find a way to cut ties a little.

Oh, and if you do ride with her again, take the beater bike.

[climbergirl]

Thanks, all.

Owlie, I take the old mountain bike and drop it into low gear and spin it out at about 100+rpm. I'm thinking if I go with her again I need to take the 40 pound steel vintage bike!! I'm sure she feels intimidated, but I've been very careful (I think) about never making critical comments on her speed. I've given her two or three technique hints (drop to a lower gear and spin up those slight inclines!!) but I've tried hard to be polite. I don't want to make her feel unknowledgeable, but once she actually put her helmet on backwards 8-O

I agree with Jo-n-NY that she sort of overstated her abilities in the first place. If it was really just a "social" ride, I'd understand, but she addressed this as "exercise". If it's exercise, keep those legs moving, girlfriend!

She's not a close friend, but she's the only other woman on the block that I know. I'd like to remain "friendly" if not "friends". My biggest concern is that after our little snit this morning, if I bow out of riding with her she might see it as due to that, rather than to our riding differences.

I wish I could find a suitable riding partner. It would be so nice... I'm going to have to check craigs list or something.

[shootingstar]

Since you live next door, better to say that you need to cycle only for training purposes.

But I agree with Murienn, it shouldn't stop both of you from having coffee,etc. together. She sounds like a person who just likes to be social/needs company. I really wish that some people wouldn't take things so personally if a bike ride together doesn't work.

As for wanting a riding partner, is it more for training purposes..or companionship? When there's no one else at the time, I just go solo.

[Shellyrides]

I understand your wish for a riding partner. I keep looking and can't find one.

[emily_in_nc]

Wow...except for the near blow-up/fight during your last ride, I could have almost written this post myself! I had the exact situation happen back in 2011 with a dear friend who lived in the same apt. complex. She had bought a bike but had always been a runner so knew nothing about cycling. So, I suggested we could ride a neighborhood loop I enjoyed riding after work, and she was thrilled. I was really looking forward to riding with a partner too, as DH is just too fast for me on this loop. This was a loop that took me exactly an hour to do on my Bike Friday. Some flats, some moderate hills, but nothing too tough or long. I rode it with her about four times, getting progressively more frustrated. She was on a mountain bike (with slick tires, though), and she must have always been riding in way too easy a gear, because she would spin and spin and not get anywhere. I was certainly no speed-demon, but riding with her, we'd be lucky to average 9-10 mph where I was used to averaging 13-14 on my own.

I also tried not to be intimidating, tried to keep it fun and social, and gave her a few pointers on shifting, gearing, and coasting (not!) etc., but we were making NO progress. Fortunately, the last couple months we were in town, she got very busy with other things after work (most noteably a new love) and was never able to get together for a ride, so I stopped asking her to come along. Although I missed the socializing and friendship, I was really relieved. It was so much more fun to ride solo at my own pace than to putter along and get frustrated that I was getting no workout whatsoever. She probably was relieved as well because she felt like she was slowing me down, and of course, she actually was, although I tried really hard not to make her feel like she was.

Let's face it, not everyone is well-matched as riding buddies, but I can certainly understand your wanting to keep the peace since you live so close, just like my friend and I did. In this case, maybe honesty is the best policy, though it's very hard to do. Unfortunately, though I can empathize fully with you, I am not sure what I would do either. In my case, we knew we were moving to Belize, so my situation was self-limiting and had no effect on the friendship whatsoever.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do/say. Moving is probably a bit too drastic.

[Geonz]

We've got a person in the club who fits this description... and just doesn't know what it is to exert, and really doesn't want to. so intimidated, I think, that a sort of emotional shut-down happens as soon as effort is required. It's *never* a really good ride... bottom line is between your neighbor's slow bike and slow riding that it's not a good match. I might ask her how she felt on that ride... just to figure out where the huffiness was coming from ('cause that would tell me just how self-centered she was...)

[climbergirl]

Thanks again, everybody.

I've been thinking about this, and I think I need to address the little snitty blow out. As follows: I recognize that we had a clash this morning. I think it's because I'm frustrated and you're frustrated, for our own reasons. We're closing in on the end of the riding season, and while I've really appreciated your company, I think I need to focus on getting as much hard riding in as I can before winter. I'd love to have coffee, though.

I think I can't pretend the clash didn't happen. I'm sure she feels bad about slowing me down. Honestly, SO wants me to do Dairyland Dare with him next summer. The 100k route has 6,663 feet of climbing and the 150k route has 10,340!!! And I want to do it. I thought I could do "recovery rides" with the neighbor. But there aren't enough nice days left. So... hard rides on the nice days, recovery "rides" doing housework!

Oh, and to respond to Shooting Star: I push myself really hard when I go out alone. It's me and the clock and the speedometer. I stick with the routes I know fairly well that don't take me so far from home that I could get really stranded (weekday rides are loops between 20 and 30 miles, rarely out-and-backs). I've only lived in this state 18 months. I've only been road cycling since last Christmas. I'd love to have someone to show me more areas, who is close enough to my skill level that we could push each other and support each other as needed, and generally help me feel like it's not ALL about training. I love being on my bike. LOVE it. SO and I have 3 kids (1 mine, 2 his part-time). I just want someone to share this activity with me more than the twice a month weekend rides SO and I squeeze in together.

[Penny4]

I'm the slow poke when I ride with my friends, but I always tell them they are not obligated to stay with me, I know they have their own goals, etc etc and don't ever want to hold anyone back. But I am on a road bike, and go to group rides and aware of mph, etc. You neighbor just has a drastically different idea of riding than you, which is fine...

As others have said, just be honest and tell her you are going to head out a bit earlier because you want to get some extra miles in, or you want to go work on your hills, etc. Maybe you could offer to ride with her when you get back from your solo ride? Or see if she can ride her bike to the coffee shop and meet you after your ride, and then you can ride home together.

Or you could just let the air out of her tires. KIDDING!!!!

[pll]

I would be honest and simply say that you have limited time for cycling, and that you need to make the most of it in terms of training and for you that includes riding as fast as you can; leisurely rides are not part of it. If they take offense, so be it. Most reasonable people would understand.

[Crankin]

I ride with two people that are slower than me. One is getting slower as the years pass and the other one is improving. I don't expect a fast ride with them and I don't look at the time or do anything that would put a huge time limit on my riding time, unless I state it explicitly up front. But, on the other hand, I'm not training and I don't care. I go ahead on all of the hills, and usually by the end of these rides, I am alone and ahead. But, it's still social. Of course, they are good friends, and we are riding familiar routes. I guess it's slightly different, as they both are knowledgable road cyclists with nice bikes and appropriate clothing for such. I know some people wouldn't ride with them, but I just don't care anymore. I get my faster rides alone, with DH, or with a group once in awhile.

[PamNY]

Irulan's advice -- "direct, clear and tactful" -- is perfect. If you want to, make it all about you -- say you need to focus on training, and you realized you can't do that when riding with other people. But definitely don't feel obligated to continue cycling with these two. It won't get better.

Their behavior sounds extremely self-centered. I'm a very slow rider -- there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm well aware that my pace would not be right for many (maybe most) cyclists.

[Biciclista]

gosh, just tell her about the ride you have to do next spring. Be honest. You DON'T want to be sneaking around.