Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[Medianox]

It has been quite a long time since I posted here, but I wanted to get some perspective on a small problem I'm having.
I've been cycling for a few years now with my original entry level road bike. It was a birthday present from my husband, and I picked it after trying countless others. The feelings I have for it are still the same and I am enjoying the sport even more since I have had a chance to get more experience. You know how it is!
About 4 months after I got the road bike, I invested in a commuter bike because my interest in biking was growing. He frowned and fussed a bit, until I explained that it was like having a sports car for fun (the road bike) and a utility vehicle (the commuter). He mostly understood that but even now he still shakes his head sometimes at having/needing 2 bikes (not sure what he would do if I liked mountain biking-we'd probably be divorced!).
Cut to the present. This spring and summer I have once again started cycling more often and doing longer distances. In fact I just finished my first official metric century recently! This has led me to where I am now, looking flirtatiously at a new bike. First I brought up the idea of "upgrading" my components and he got grumpy. See, he thinks that one bike should work for the entire life of my hobby and you should not need anything else. After reading more and researching, I concluded in the back of my mind that a whole new bike might be more economical, plus that way he could get mine fitted for him and we could ride together. If I even mention getting a new bike, he now becomes very upset. Now, we have separate banking accounts, and I have my own full time job so I am not seeing the problem in this. To me it is a natural progression to move up to a better bike after a time. It doesn't mean the older one is trash (I'd never part with it!), it just means you've outgrown its capabilities. ITs like upgrading your PC or similar.
I am finding myself pouring over "bike pron" (manufacturer's websites, reviews, videos, sourcing out local bike shops) when he isn't around.
It seems pretty obvious that he sees the replacement of my original bike as a slam against him in some way, but I can't fathom the workings of the male mind enough to fix that. Help!!!

[roo4]

This seems like a marriage issue, not a bicycle issue. Do you have established guidelines for spending money on personal items? Start there.

[indysteel]

This seems like a marriage issue, not a bicycle issue. Do you have established guidelines for spending money on personal items? Start there.

I tend to agree with this. In the very least, I think you need to figure out what's really driving his grumbling. Is it purely a financial issue? If so, then I'd ditto the question posed above about your established guidelines on spending. Can you (and by "you" I mean your household) really afford a new bike? Of course, every couple has different attitudes about how they view their money. For instance, my husband and I have seperate accounts and our own jobs. Still, I don't see the money in my account as "mine" such that I can spend it freely. While we don't consult one another for every purchase, we do on larger items and even with smaller items, I'm always aware of their impact on our overall financial picture.

Is it a relationship issue, i.e., is he threatened by your cycling in some way? Does he feel left out or abandoned? Are you changing in ways that make him feel insecure about his own body or athleticism? If that's really what's driving his reaction, then I think you'd be better off addressing that first and foremost--because with our without a new bike, that's just going to continue to fester.

If it's just that he doesn't understand bikes, then I think you need to be honest with yourself, first, about what's really driving your bike lust. Have you truly outgrown your bike? Are the components of such a lower quality that they're not functioning properly? Is the bike too heavy for your needs or does it not fit properly? If you just want a new, nicer bike (and trust me, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that), then I think you need to be frank about that with your husband. I really hate when somebody tells me that they need something when in reality they just want it. I'd rather they were straight up about it.

If we're talking purely about want, I think should emphasize with your husband that riding makes you happy and that upgrading your bike from time to time is a fairly natural progression for cycling enthusiasts. Establish a budget and make darn certain that your new bike is really going to be the bomb. Assuming you don't otherwise indulge your every want, then hopefully you will ultimately get his support. If he's still resistent, then I tend to think it circles back to being a relationship or financial issue.

[goldfinch]

Maybe talk about how the bike was the best present you could ever had received because it got you into biking and fitness and changed your life. But now with riding longer rides you need a bike that will take you too that next level. Or maybe not. It wouldn't work with my husband.

My husband is mildly disapproving of me buying lots of bike stuff. But he is disapproving of spending money in general. Even though I am retired I do some consulting work on the side and used that money for bike stuff. He agrees that this money is my "spending" money. But he still thinks I am wasteful. He thinks Americans in general consume far too much stuff. I have the money to buy a mountain bike but haven't yet because three bikes in one year is just going to be too much for him to grok.

[zoom-zoom]

Could he be talked into riding with you? Before my hubby talked me into trying cycling I didn't particularly like the money he spent on bikes...or his need to have at least 3 (road, mountain, cyclocross).

Then I got my first road bike (which I upgraded a year later to something more suitable to the sort of riding I liked and with better components)...and the rest is history. Now I have 3 bikes (well, I did--before my kiddo took over my mountain bike, so I will be upgrading again, soon). Hubby has 4 (road, mountain, CX, fatbike), kiddo has 2 (CX and my former mtn. bike) and we have a tandem...which is mostly DH and DS's so we can all ride on the road together.

I'm sure to some our # of bikes would seem excessive, but we don't have the sorts of $$ toys that a lot of folks near us have, like boats, jetskis, snowmobiles, ATVs or horses. We don't take many vacations, and the ones we do are generally rather short and close to home or to visit family. We have a cheap old house with a cheap mortgage. We drive relatively economic cars and drive them for a very long time.

If you can't talk him into joining you on a bike (and seeing why n+1 is serious!), then I think the relationship angle is the important one to address. Even if you were to convinced him to join you, that's a good conversation to have.

[Cynedra]

We Americans do consume to much stuff but that is a completely topic because this is BIKES we are talking about.

I'm curious as to how often OP and spouse buy new vehicles. Maybe that can be brought into the discussion especially if it is every few years. My DH didn't understand the whole bike lust thing until he finally tried out a bike that was sized appropriately for him. Now, I think if our finances permitted it, he would be looking for another one (and we just got the new ones in March).

Good luck and I hope you overcome these difficulties with DH. Does he have any hobbies that he has more than one thing for?

[Trek420]

You have a commuter which actually saves you money. I've read somewhere, perhaps LAB that the average person saves roughly 3k a year by going car free or even car-light depending on car you drive and MPG. Every time you ride is a savings or investment. What you do with that is something to discuss.

I'd think of cycling as an investment in your health. He does want you to last a long time, right?

[Blueberry]

I agree with those who have said that this is really more of an issue with your relationship than the bike.

I am so thankful to have a DH who shares my passion, and is quite indulgent in all things hobby related.

[Medianox]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

I agree that mostly we Americans spend too much money in general. In my life-I am 50 years old, btw-I have owned exactly ONE car. I kept it for 16 years, and donated it to a charity last summer. As a family we currently have a small SUV for hauling kids, bikes and camping stuff, and an old mini pickup that my DH uses for commuting. I am in general, a fairly frugal person, preferring thrift stores to department stores, and I do not often toss money around lightly. =)

My DH is a computer geek. Very recently, he decided he needed an upgrade to his PC (which was about 5 years old) and after some discussion and my input on the matter he decided to build his own. He sourced out the parts and was able to build a top notch machine for about $1000.00 less than a comparable off the shelf model. I agreed with his doing this in part because he very rarely treats himself to anything nice and I thought it would help him see my point about a new bike.

It didn't. He is just stubborn on the fact that he doesn't think I should ever need a new or different bike.
As far as finances go, we pay a share of the mortgage and bills then are pretty free to do whatever with the leftovers (save, buy things for the kids, house, etc). I make more money than he does and we have separate accounts. Trips and large purchases are discussed openly, options evaluated and a decision is made.
I am certainly willing to wait another year or so for a new bike, I'm itching to try a nicer one but it doesn't rule my life. Putting more miles on the one I have can't hurt anything, and in the end will only help my case. I know that being patient is the way to go but it is a little difficult where bikes are concerned! =) There are some really nice ones out there!
Thanks all for your input.

[Owlie]

I wonder if he's seeing it as something that takes you away from him, and the idea of a bike that will make it easier for you to do those really long rides is making him uncomfortable, and the money/practicality thing is a cover.

[Irulan]

Find a good marriage counselor.

[Melalvai]

It seems pretty obvious that he sees the replacement of my original bike as a slam against him in some way, but I can't fathom the workings of the male mind enough to fix that.

This is an important point that most of the discussion has glossed over. His main problem isn't the expense, it's that he feels threatened in some way. I suspect that his problem is that he bought her the first bike, so her wanting to replace that is a bit like saying the bike he bought her wasn't good enough.

Let us know how it all turns out. I'm really interested now.

[Medianox]

"How about: Honey. I've decided to get a new bike.

And leave it at that.



Okay okay.

Write him a clear non-whiney letter stating your points. Tell him you want him to understand, but you are getting a bike.

Seriously. You are an adult. You have a job. You shouldn't need permission." -Muirenn

I think that when I am ready to move on the purchase, I just might take this approach.
Currently, I am shelving the idea, for a few reasons. Number one is that I now have a goal in mind and I am going to squirrel money away for roughly a year or so (until I get close to the amount I need) and then bring it up again.
I can be very patient (something I have learned from living with the DH!) and I really think it is needed here. Number two is that I can use my current bike easily for another year without any real problems ( I just got new tires, cables and a general tune up done) and get even more experience. Never a bad thing. It won't kill me, just make me work a little harder and I'll be better for it in the end. I think a new bike bought under those circumstances will be even more meaningful. PLUS,number three reason- DH will see me get another year deeper into the activity so any lingering doubts about my seriousness will be alleviated (not that he could have had any really, but hey, if I could understand him perfectly, we wouldn't have this thread). If his problem is truly that he believes that I am devaluing his original gift, perhaps more time is needed for him to see that it is not the case at all. In fact, I would never sell my first bike and will always keep it around for winter riding, training, or throwing on the rollers in the off season. That way, I can use my newer one for rides, long distances and other situations where improved technology can make a difference.

lph, crankin, and everyone else, thank you so much for your insightful responses. Just writing this all out has really helped me see where the pitfalls are. I will keep you all updated!!!
Thanks again!

[sarahkonamojo]

Park bike behind commuter truck. Your husband backs up over your bike and kills it. You get new bike. Both of you feel really guilty.
Horrible idea, of course.
I don't understand why he is so attached to your bike. He needs to give you more things more often. And perhaps you to him, also. And to really give, expecting nothing back. Too many strings attached to that bike. It is amazing you can even ride it.
I am horrible with relationships and muddle on with my own.
Best of all gifts,
S

[hebe]

If you had bought him his first ever computer, a few years back, would he feel as if he had to keep using it forever, or would he too be wanting to upgrade, ideally with your support?

I think you're being incredibly patient and considerate with his feelings, probably far more so than I would manage under the same circumstances. Good luck, and I hope you can come to an amicable arrangement when the time comes for your new bike. If nothing else, it's a great example to set to your children ("dad bought mum bike, mum loves and rides it so much that she's now able to have an even better one and the old one still gets ridden too"). Enjoy your cycling!