Cycling couple-nutso communication

[shootingstar]

With my partner we do share a love of cycling and cycling is infused in our life in a way that we might almost take it for granted --if that makes any sense.

However there have been some major cycling/bike related things he caught me by surprise without any discussion:
*he sets up a cycling planning consulting firm with 2 other biz partners. (at least he told me a few wks. before they files biz incorporation papers with the govn’t)
*he books a self-planned bike trip to Europe for several wks. with a biz partner.
*he bought a folding bike….he just showed me his purchase 2 days ago. Before he takes the bike to use it in Europe.

He is dedicating his own moolah for all 3 above. So I don’t get why I’m not being told until the deed is done.

[Grog]

Funny - it's a little off-topic but I was reading about financial planning for couples for tonight.

There are so many things that we take for granted, we think that the other knows what we think/do on certain issues and the opposite is often true, too. We're often not-so-right, not to say downright wrong sometimes.

How do you feel about all that?

[Mr. Bloom]

What grog said makes sense, but I suspect there's a deeper issue that may related to the way "partner" defines your relationship and commitment.

I'd encourage you to not take what he did personally; it may be as grog said, it may be that he doesn't think you have communication of that sort...but this may be a time to clarify some things in the relationship

He may just be an insensitive male and not guess that you would even think that he might talk about these things with you.

[chicago]

I would not be happy if my SO left me out of crucial things like that...

especially the bike trip... I would be very hurt... (and probably dump his a$$, LOL).... especially if it kept happening.

obviously I'm not as forgiving as MrSilver

[bmccasland]

ummmm, Shootingstar, how is the relationship?

These are major decisions, and apparently he has left you out of their creation, conception, and planning. Which I find a bit odd.

And a multi-week biking trip / vacation to Europe? What are you supposed to do while he's gone? Do you usually take long trips apart? If so, then maybe this isn't a big deal. But if my significant other took a long trip to Europe without me coming along for even part of it, I'd be really ticked.

I agree with Chicago, I'd be hurt.

[Tuckervill]

I'm trying to remember if you're actually married to him, or not. I do recall that you've been together a long time.

If you're not married, then I think there are some boundaries that he feels he's entitled to. Whether those boundaries are flexible in the context of your long term relationship is up to the two of you.

If you're married, then I think it's all completely out of bounds for him to make financial decisions and decisions to be away from you without your input. Some marriages are different. My marriage would not be injured if one of us did what your partner did.

Karen

[OakLeaf]

(((((Star))))), I'd be terribly hurt.

Tucker, I couldn't disagree more. If one member of a couple is using the existence vel non of a legal relationship between the couple and the State (which is all a marriage is) to define the emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's a huge problem in itself.

[lph]

This all depends on what they've agreed on, explicitly or implicitly. Personally I'd be hurt and very surprised. But some people would be hurt by some of the things we (my dh and I) accept from each other.

[tulip]

My ex and I had very different interests. He is a musician, so he would do music things (buy guitars, form jazz ensembles, go to workshops, schedule gigs, etc.) without much of my input. I bought a custom bike without much of his input. Notice, he's my ex. We didn't take separate vacations, though.

My current partner and I have very similar interests, a huge one being cycling. One of the things that is so enjoyable is talking and planning and doing things around cycling. I can't imagine either of us taking a separate vacation, not to mention a cycling vacation. We are not married, and don't even live together, and our finances are separate...but we do things together more than my ex and I did after 17 years of coupledom, 13 of those married.

(I do like the idea of starting a bicycle consulting firm...and then writing off bike trips to Europe.)

Your situation just doesn't jive with me. Something isn't right.

[kat_h]

Your husband reminds me a bit of mine, shootingstar. My husband generally doesn't talk much, so he tends to not mention things a lot. One time I got annoyed because he bought a new cell phone and contract without discussing it. When I got annoyed he pointed out that he had mentioned it. About a week before buying it he had said "I'm thinking about getting a new phone." and I had said "Oh" and promptly forgot about it. Turned out that his idea of talking about it meant mentioning it and my idea of talking about it meant discussing it. I just talk more than he does though, so that makes sense.

If your husband was sure that you wouldn't mind him doing these things he probably didn't see any reason to ask you about them in advance. He just mentioned them when they came up in conversation.

[LBTC]

ShootingStar - have you talked to your partner about how these decisions made you feel? Whether they are acceptable to the rest of us is immaterial to your relationship, but how you feel about it is paramount. Talk about it. Try to find out how his mind works about these things. Let him know how they made you feel. I'm sending you butterflies in blue and orange and glittering purple, and hugs, too,
~T~

[mimitabby]

In the beginning of our marriage, DH bought me expensive gifts at very bad times (when we were broke!!) he also bought things for himself. I had to get him to sign an agreement to TELL me before he spent over X dollars. 30 years later, X is greater than it used to be, but we do both tell each other before we buy large ticket items.

[Tuckervill]

(((((Star))))), I'd be terribly hurt.

Tucker, I couldn't disagree more. If one member of a couple is using the existence vel non of a legal relationship between the couple and the State (which is all a marriage is) to define the emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's a huge problem in itself.

I think socially, intellectually and emotionally, the legal state of marriage carries more weight than we like to admit. It's all well and good to be enlightened about what the "piece of paper" really means, but most people just aren't.

Karen

[shootingstar]

Geez, we could go deep and long on this topic.

Some facts for people to understand:
*He and I are at different stages in life, but still compatible. He took early retirement several years ago since he was able to retire on company pension for himself. Over the years, I've half-joked that he has enviable consulting and management experience he could parlay on a part-time basis. However I didn't expect he would start up a cycling planning consulting firm. But it is an excellent fit...he advocated for cyclists...on a volunteer basis for many years in Toronto and Vancouver. I do know his biz partners.

*Been living together for past few years. But have been together as a couple for much longer... over last 17 years. It is possible that we've just carried over our separate decision-making parallel lives over from prior-to living together. As a couple, we also have lived through physical long-distance relationship for over 2 years when he lived in Calgary and I in Toronto.

Kath:
You expressed it best that if I never objected about certain things/said anything, then the guy will do some planning on his own. Certainly anything cycling-related, I've never objected.

As for his cycling trips, keep in mind he's taken early retirement several years ago (but recently switching to part-time self-employment) . Since then, he's taken several multi-wk (even multi-month) cycling trips on his own or with another guy. So this Europe trip is actually shorter than some of his other trips.

LBTC: Yes, what I feel is most important vs. what others think. I'm on lunch to be continued..

[Dianyla]

*Been living together for past few years. But have been together as a couple for much longer... over last 17 years. It is possible that we've just carried over our separate decision-making parallel lives over from prior-to living together. As a couple, we also have lived through physical long-distance relationship for over 2 years when he lived in Calgary and I in Toronto.

I think this is really the heart of the issue. The only people I've known to feel comfortable maintaining long-term long-distance relationships are people who have a high level of independence and personal autonomy. Most folks that want a more inter-dependent relationship would go absolutely crazy at the prospect of an LDR that lasted longer than just a few years under duress (say, while one or both are working on their education or specific career goals).

It sounds like he would rather live his own life as if he were single. I'm not saying that this is right or wrong. However, it does seem clear that you and he have markedly different ideas preferences about the level of involvement and communication that should exist within a couple. If you can't reach some level of compromise that is comfortable and achievable by both of you, this incompatibility will be a continual source of hurt feelings.