Venting a personal problem....

[froglegs]

I don't feel like talking to anyone I know in "real life" about this yet, so here goes:

My mom and stepdad have decided to separate. They have been married for nearly 20 years, since I was a child. I have known for several months that this was a possibility, but it is still difficult to hear that the decision has been made.

I found out via my sister, I missed a call from my mom today and haven't called her back yet.

They live in a different state and I haven't seen them in several months. My sister and I are going up there for a few days this weekend (this was previously planned). My sister says they want to have a "discussion" about it while we are there.

I want to be by myself and speak to no one for several days. I don't want to get mad at my parents because I'm sure they already feel guilty enough, but I am sure this will happen if they try to make me "discuss" anything..... which they will..... since I will be trapped for 3 days in their house, with no bike, and only running shoes to escape in, and I can't even run that much because I am tapering for my 1/2 marathon. Crap.

[mimitabby]

hey, i'm sorry. I can imagine how hard and disappointing this is. Sounds like they are being civilized about it at least.
You can talk about it here all you want. good luck this weekend.

[Brandi]

I don't know if this helps but they aren't divorcing you. Just eachother. And they wouldn't want you to be in a relationship that was not making you happy right? I come from several divorces with my mom. And my first step dad was really my real dad and to be honest I got tired of them hating eachother so ater 17 years they split. But my mom has now been married 4 times. After the she split from my 2nd dad I just am numb about it. If you need to talk feel free to pm me.

[Tuckervill]

Can you just make an excuse and not go? Postpone?

What would they want to discuss? Life insurance or something? Maybe your step-dad wants to reassure you how much he loves you. Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing?

My husband is my two older son's stepdad, since they were 5 and 7. I imagine if we divorced they would still want to have contact with him (as long as the divorce was amicable and he didn't cheat on me or something, in which case they'd be pissed). I would want them to have contact with him. For him, it would be like losing 3 members of his family, not just one. So, perhaps you can try to look at it from their point of view for a while.

Plus, you have a few days to be by yourself and not talk to anyone before you go, don't you? Concentrate your feelings during this time, and then plan lots of shopping with your sister or something while at your parents'.

Sorry you're feeling so poorly about it. Hope it gets better for you.

Karen

[mimitabby]

My mother was married several times too. But the only one I really cared about was when she and my father split up.
After that, they were just step fathers who didn't really amount to anything in my life.
Her last husband (present now) is a very good man, but I was already married with kids when she found him.
A long time ago i figured out it was about her, not me. For most of the Christmases in my childhood I prayed for my parents to get back together (I watched the Parent trap) it was not to be.
Perhaps that's a good thing.

[froglegs]

Well I guess the upside of all of this is that my mom wants to move back here. I am still going on the trip mostly because I want to see my grandma, who lives with them, and my sister, who lives several hours away from me.

Fortunately since I am now an adult, there will not be severe consequences for me like those caused by the first (mom/dad) split. I realize that they need to do what they need to do to be happy, but it still sucks, and it makes me wonder how I'm going to feel about my own marriage in 5, 10, 25 years. My stepdad has been in my life since I was five years old and that's not going to change. So between my various family factions and my husband's (fortunately intact) family, there will now have to be some sort of lottery system to decide who to spend holidays with.

What I am not looking forward to is having to tell or answer (or refuse to answer) questions from various friends and family members who will be completely shocked by this.

[Brandi]

Maybe your mom and step dad will remain friends and then the holiday thing won't be an issue. it is not unheard of. I have a friend who's family is like that.
As far as how you wll look at your own marriage, well that is what it is "Your own Marriage". I have been with the same man for 20 years and can not imagine being with anyone else! And my mom has been married 4 times so don't think the thought has not crossed my mind. It is what you make it. And besides look how long they did stay together. If this is not to personal...why are they breaking up?

[tulip]

As said before, it's about them, not you. Yes, you will be affected by it, but they are adults and will do what they have/need/want to. Being happy sometimes takes a long time to figure out. You don't have to pick sides, and you don't have to be the peacemaker, either.

As for being trapped, well you can go out for a walk, or to a cafe, or just be alone. Go into the discussions with an open and listening mind, but if you are angry, that's okay, too. Take your time, it will be alright.

[SadieKate]

Barbara Kingsolver's book High Tide in Tucson has a wonderful essay on divorce. Her comment was that such marriages shouldn't be called failed marriages, but finished marriages. And offspring (her own child for instance) sometimes count as a benefit the greater diversity and larger family that might result. Her daughter loved having three grandmas.

The marriage nurtured you and your sister to adulthood. There shouldn't be any guilt if they choose to go on to new goals. Do you expect your stepfather to not be there for you and any children you may have? Might he be afraid that you will be the one to cut the tie?

These are just random musings because I've no experience with divorce in our family (amazing in this day and age, I know), but Kingsolver's essay was not only insightful but most enlightening. Gave me a lot of food for thought about others who do find themselves in this situation.

[AgilityAddict]

"Barbara Kingsolver's book High Tide in Tucson has a wonderful essay on divorce. Her comment was that such marriages shouldn't be called failed marriages, but finished marriages. And offspring (her own child for instance) sometimes count as a benefit the greater diversity and larger family that might result. Her daughter loved having three grandmas. "


My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

Beth

[SadieKate]

I can only tell you what she wrote from personal experience for herself and from her daughter. And it helped her to think of it as a finished marriage.

I actually do know a family where any and all members of the extended complex family were at all celebrations, including the ex husband's parents who stood up at the reception for the wedding of the ex-DIL and said "she made a better choice this time."

[Brandi]

"Barbara Kingsolver's book High Tide in Tucson has a wonderful essay on divorce. Her comment was that such marriages shouldn't be called failed marriages, but finished marriages. And offspring (her own child for instance) sometimes count as a benefit the greater diversity and larger family that might result. Her daughter loved having three grandmas. "


My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

Beth

It is a pain to have a huge family but I do know of people who it has worked for. I know families who are now better families because of it. So it might not work for everyone but there are a few exceptions.

[froglegs]

My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

I have to agree here. The situation that resulted from my mom & dad's divorce and remarriages was very tense and difficult at times. I know they (mostly) tried not to make it that way, but it was. I still think my childhood was mostly good, but cozy is definitely not a word I would use to describe it. If some people manage to have situations like that, good for them, but I would say they are in a tiny minority.

I actually do know a family where any and all members of the extended complex family were at all celebrations, including the ex husband's parents who stood up at the reception for the wedding of the ex-DIL and said "she made a better choice this time."

My family members get together occasionally for big events like graduations and weddings. I appreciate that they all care and are there for things like that, and everyone is good at being polite on the surface, but knowing about the negative feelings that they all have about each other makes situations like that very stressful for my sister and I.

[Blueberry]

I could see the extended family concept working (and I certainly agree that finished is a better term than failed), but it didn't work in my case. For someone who is divorcing, finished means you've completed a chapter in your life, and that chapter no longer works for you. Failed somehow implies that you've wasted the time you were married (or something). This might be a positive thing in the end - you can't tell that at this point(and it sounds like you've accepted that you want to maintain a relationship with your step-dad), but the process (including the discussions) sucks.

I don't want to go into too many personal details, but I have a parent who considered divorcing a step-parent. This parent chose not to, but not before dragging me (and my grandmother) through the awful details of the marriage (no holes barred). I would encourage you to be firm in what you will and won't discuss. My parents (divorced when I was very young) never stopped openly sniping at each other in conversations with me (they were polite to each other, and then slammed the other to me).

They don't owe you an explanation, and you really may not want to hear one (at least at this point). I would simply explain that they've made a decision, you respect their decision, but that you really don't want to discuss it with them. Sometimes families need that explained. Holidays can be hard. Too many people and too little time. I'm still working on finding that balance (though this year, my decision was to stay home and take time for myself). But, there is a balance, and you don't owe anything to anyone. Take care of yourself (and make sure your grandmother is taken care of - I can't imagine how she feels living there!?).

Good luck to you!

CA

[northstar]

Froglegs - I don't have any advice, just wanted to send thoughts your way. It's so hard when family goes through tough times.