*sigh* Wedding planning

[Grog]

WARNING: VERY LONG.

My dear partner and I are getting married at the end of the summer. He's in medical school (read: EXTREMELY busy) and has little experience in organizing things, and has never handled much money. I've been dealing with money since a very early age (we had a family business) and partly earned my living organizing events (but not weddings and very seldom partys) all my life.

So of course I've taken the lead on that one. We decided sort-of at the last-minute that we wanted to get married this coming summer and finding all decent venues booked was my nightmare. So the venue is mostly taken care of since before the engagement was announced. My parents live 5000 km away and his are here. I insisted to have the wedding here, as my way to express how I feel about this place.

All weddings have hard parts to organize, I know, and this one is no exception. One of the things that make it hard, interestingly, is that I'm not big on weddings. I haven't been dreaming of that day since I was a little girl. I can't touch a bridal magazine with a 10-foot pole. I hate all the industry around it. So I want to keep things simple. And inexpensive. I want people - including me and my fiancé - to have a great time.

His parents are going to pay for most of it, but it's just against my principles to blow so much resources on one big day. It's part of my environmental consciousness, perhaps... His family is also happy to have a simple wedding, so that's great. But they have followed "normal" wedding traditions in the past. In my family, marriage is important, but weddings not very. And my parents, like me, are rather frugal.

The question is: how can a wedding be something simple?

Example: Cake. I'm all for cake (as long as it's chocolate) and traditions. But I can't imagine having one of those three-tier hugely decorated cakes that costs hundreds of dollars. But I know that if I call the bakery and say "I want a cake," I'll eventually have to admit it's for a wedding and voilà! we've quadrupled the bill and it's not even tasting better.

My sweetie, of course, doesn't understand much of this. I've already convinced him that I didn't want a diamond on my engagement ring, because I hate the idea of having about a ton of rock extracted of the earth (with assorted destruction) just because we want to let the world know that we love each other. But he's a bit more conventional than me. He cares a lot about the wedding but he has little time to dedicate to it.

So anyway I think what I wonder is : how does a bride-to-be deal with the weight of traditions she doesn't care about or, worse, disagrees with? How have you dealt with everyone's expectations for your own wedding?

Yeah yeah, I know, it's our day, but in the end I'd like everyone to have a good time and to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Thanks a million for letting me vent, and I know I'll find some hope and inspiration in your words!!

[salsabike]

We had a very small ceremony at home with each set of parents, best friends, and a sibling or two. Then we threw a big party at a place with a great view (on Magnolia Bluff, water and mountain view here in Seattle). We brought our own stuff for drinks, made music tapes of our favorite stuff (reggae, Aretha, Talking Heads, etc.), had a close friend who was a professional baker make our cake for us, had caterers bring hors d'oeuvres only, had a few friends taking pictures. No flowers, no pro photos, no fuss, everyone had a blast, no stress at all.

I guess the reason it all worked is because, while we didn't want to spend a lot or have the high stress of planning a formal wedding, neither did we want to deprive everyone of the big party--so we managed to find a way to do all those things in combination. It worked really well and everyone has good memories of it.

[KnottedYet]

Salsa's wedding sounds like just what you need!

Do what ever kind of cake you want. Just tell the bakery its for a party, you don't have to say "wedding" and get sucked into the wedding cake maelstrom. Order a few cakes of different kinds, so there is something for everyone.

Diamonds freak me out because of the death and murder and child slavery involved. I read somewhere that every diamond and emerald you see has had at least one person die for it by the time you get it. Some jewelers now certify their diamonds, but you have to be careful. Cubic zirconia is cool... and it's not the end of the world if you lose it.

How about ti rings? Appropos for bike riders. www.cascadiadesignstudio.com

You say your sweetie cares a lot about the wedding. What traditions does he want to follow? Can you agree on the ones you will have at your wedding?

[mimitabby]

Well, as poor as we were when we got married, it was a piece of cake to make it cheap.
We rented a grange hall, my husband made a carrot cake in a sheet pan (you can rent these) it was one layer!

We had a pot luck and told people not to give us gifts. We had about 40 guests.

I later regretted that we didn't ask for gifts, (we asked for recipes) because it took us years before we could afford plates, silverware, and towels that matched.

Everyone brought really great food and their favorite drinks (BYOB)
I know that you are probably not going to be at this level, but the point is,
you don't have to spend 10 grand on a wedding to have a good time!
My girlfriend's mother made my wedding dress too.
It was great.

[Meaux]

I had a very traditional wedding, but some of the stuff was un-traditional. For example, we didn't hire a DJ or a band because we didn't want the "YMCA" or "Macarena" played. We simply went through our CDs and picked songs that meant something to us. I still get compliments on the song list. We also had a SUPER short ceremony, it was only 15 minutes. There were people who missed it because they were running late. You don't have to have a super-traditional wedding. You could even do it at someone's house. Have whatever cake you want. Remember it you and your partner's day, don't let anyone tell you any different.
P.S. I LOVE the idea of a potluck wedding. That is SO cool

[Tri Girl]

Make your wedding what YOU want it to be- not what tradition or others think it should be. I come from a family of 8 kids, and all my siblings had big fancy schmancy weddings. I hated the idea of doing what everyone else did (and I despise traditions like tossing the bouquet and garter, or doing cheesy lame dances at the reception).

Our wedding was very simple and very small. Only family and a few close friends (I think we had about 60 people there). We had it at a beautiful old local historical building on a Sunday afternoon. My DH and I each had one attendant. My sister (who's not a professional cake maker) made the cake. It was 3 tier, but it was soooo easy to make- and it looked very pretty. My friend did artificial flower arrangements for my bouquet, men's flowers, and the flowers for decorations (we spent less than $100 on flowers). I bought all the table decorations at Party Galaxy (you know, the party favor stores) and did them all myself. We did hire a DJ/photograher (same guy for both- although we picked out and brought all our own music- but he was an idiot/jerk and none of the pictures turned out- all the rolls were mysteriously "ruined"). The only pictures that I have are the ones my family and friends took (disposable cameras and family with digitals are the way to go). The food was trays of party food from the local grocery store, and odds and ends that family cooked up.

It was a great wedding, and we had a blast (and I think we spent a total of $1200 for the wedding- dress, tuxes, food and all- of course that was 10 years ago). Our honeymoon cost more than the wedding.

Do it your way, how you want! Have it as simple as you feel comfortable with. It's your day, and no matter what the setting is, the occasion of your marriage will be far more remembered than what food was there, what music played or what color the tablecloths were.

I like the idea of a CZ for your "diamond." No worries about where it came from. And no one will know the difference....

Please keep us updated!!!

[KSH]

When I planned my wedding, I was disgusted at the "show" of it all.

I felt like I HAD to buy the best xxx... to impress xxx. It just got silly to me.

So, 4 months before the wedding, I moved it all to Mexico. Ate the cost on some deposits. We used the money to pay for family to come with us and we stayed at an all inclusive hotel.

We had a 4 day celebration, very low key... everyone loved it. My wedding cake was something the hotel picked out... and it came with the cost of the wedding package. After the wedding, we went to a place in town to dine.

Weddings can get so "you have to do this or you simply won't be proper"... it's annoying. It's your day, do what you want.

I went a friends wedding, who had a tiered strawberry cheescake as her wedding cake and huge carrott cake for the grooms cake. It was delicious and really cool.

Good luck on planning the wedding Grog. Do what makes you happy.

[mimitabby]

oh, my best friend's wedding was at the Portland train station!
About 16 of us took the train from Seattle (about 3-4 hours) and got there about 11..
There were beautiful flower arrangements (the lawn of the station) and lots of nice places to take pictures, and best of all, most of their friends are musicians, so there was free music.
It was fantastic. afterwards everyone walked to a chinese restaurant and my friends bought everyone lunch. Then we got back on the train and went home.
the newlyweds went to Centralia (halfway between Seattle and Portland) for their honeymoon. So on the train they opened their gifts and had toasts.

the wedding couple is in the center of the photo

[Bad JuJu]

Our wedding was very much like Salsa's, with a few minor differences. You just have to be insistent about getting what you want, which isn't so different from what most brides do--it's just that you're demanding less rather than more.

We got married at my parents' house, in the town where I grew up, and the mayor married us. Afterwards, we had a big party right there--fortunately my folks lived in an old but large house, with a nice backyard, and the August weather cooperated nicely. DH and I used to skydive, so we put a couple of our old parachute canopies up over the backyard, along with some balloons and bows, to make it look more festive. We played tapes of our favorite music--assigned a cousin to handle the tunes. For photos, we asked my brother and a couple of friends to take random pictures. My grandmother had known the baker, so he honored our request for a simple cake--still looked like a wedding cake but he didn't go crazy with it. As far as I could tell, everybody had a great time.

We must've done something right--we celebrated our 25th anniversary last August.

[Irulan]

Do not, and I repeat do not get sucked into pleasing others. It is YOUR wedding, not anyone elses. Get your spouse on the same page and be team when it comes to pressure to do certain things. While there are some things that should not be scrimped on ( like thank you notes) do what you want. Save your $$ for a new bike or a down payment on a house.

I had an outdoors blue grass wedding. We rented a group campsite at a state park. The reception was pot luck. I wore my grandmothers wedding dress. I just happened, at the time, to jam with a bunch of guys in a blue grass band who agreed to play for $100. My sister just happened to work at a bakery.

I think the whole thing cost us $500.

just for grins, go to the wedding ettiquette hell website.
http://www.etiquettehell.com/content...eh_index.shtml

[xeney]

I agree with everyone else: you just do it. Our situation was different because we got married on a whim at our friend's house on New Year's Eve, but we did have a reception a few months later for family and friends. It was smallish for a wedding -- about 75 people -- and very informal, but it was one of the best days of my life, and I am glad we did it our way.

We figured out what we wanted, and what we didn't want, and we stuck to it. The hardest part was the two of us agreeing on things: I thought it might be nice to have a photographer, he thought that was over the top. I caved on that one. I had a fun idea for favors, he thought those were too weddingy, but he caved on that one. Neither of us wanted a "wedding cake" (and the price tag would have scared us off anyway), so we each picked a fabulous cake from the best bakery in town, and we just bought two sheet cakes. We had them cut in the kitchen so that we would not have to make a production out of cutting the cake/feeding each other. My husband wanted music but neither of us wanted to deal with a band or an obnoxious DJ, so he rented audio equipment and I made the song list on my iPod.

We held the party at a restaurant that is run by a local children's home -- it's all volunteer, and they put on weddings and events and all the proceeds go back to the children's home. The food was fine, not gourmet by any means, but wedding food is always wedding food unless you are willing to spend an absolute fortune. We had decent wine and beer and champagne. My nieces wanted to be flower girls, so we said what the heck, we aren't having a wedding but we can have flower girls. They got to dress up and carry buckets of rose petals, which they threw at the feet of all the guests. The ladies from the children's home were our waitresses, and they were so sweet, everybody loved them. Lots of guests made a point of telling us they had made donations to the children's home because they'd enjoyed the party so much.

Our moms and my sisters-in-law did the flowers. Our dads did the toasts and set up the audio equipment. I bought a simple dress that I love to pieces, and we told our guests to wear whatever they wanted ... some of my friends went all out with vintage dresses and outrageous hats, and some people wore shorts, and a few dressed up for real. It was an excellent time, and if I had it to do over again, I would do it all exactly the same way.

That is the answer. You just figure out what you want, and you do it, and you roll your eyes at anyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong.

[LBTC]

DH and I ran away from small town BC to get married on the steps of the art gallery in Vancouver (it used to be the courthouse), at noon on a Friday which happened to be our 5th anniversary. We each had one person stand up for us, and had a friend take pictures (which disappeared before we could get any prints, good thing the "best man" took a few!).

My dress was a gift from a friend and my maid of honour - MoH bought the fabric, friend made it for me. We bought the flowers locally and I just wrapped a small bouquet with the same netting my veil was made from.

About 3 weeks later we had a party back at home. I think there were around 75 people. It was semi-potluck - not everyone brought food, but we didn't do it all ourselves, either. It was BYOB. One friend ran a DJ service at the time and his wedding gift to us was the DJ service for the night. heh Neither of us can remember if we had a cake! heehee. The only tradition I wanted was the first dance with DH, then the second dance where both his parents and my parents would dance also.....his parents refused to dance, so that was that.

What I realized was - a wedding, even though it's your day, even if you are somewhat untraditional, will not be a great chance to catch up with all those wonderful people who travel to be at your wedding. I felt like I barely got to visit with anyone!

As for the rings - DH was training to be a cabinet maker so he made me the engagement ring out of wood. He had to make several because, no matter how careful you are with a laminated wood ring, it will eventually break. Our wedding bands are matching European yellow gold bands that were his grandparent's. I've simply never really liked diamonds...

Do your wedding your way. Include any traditions that are meaningful to you and to your DH to Be. Keep it simple. After all, the wedding is the ritual to memorialize the beginning of your married life together. While the ritual is important, the marriage itself is far more important.

There are many many many beautiful places in Vancouver that you could be married, especially if there is not a large crowd. And there are many many ways you could ritualize this celebration.

Hike up the Grouse grind and be married at the top (people who don't want to hike can still get there). Or kayak along false creek and be married on the water. Bike through the endowment lands and be married at a view point. As a fairly frequent visitor to Vancouver, my favourite spot is the Granville Island Hotel. I can see a beautiful wedding on the grassy knoll there.........there are so many ways to do this I hope you can find a way that will be *fun*!!

Keep us posted!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[Wahine]

Grog, I feel your pain.

My DH and I decided to get married after we had been a couple and living togaether for 9 years. It was important to his parents that we get married - they are quite traditional and also older and were worried that they wouldn't make it to see the BIG day.

DH and I didn't want it to be this big deal, we didn't want presents, we didn't want the expense and we certainly didn't want the pressure from any family memebers. In 2000 we got a call from his sister to say that as she had hosted their father's 75th birthday party, it was up to us to host the 80th. This meant getting his parents to agree to come to our city of residence at the time (Edmonton, AB) from California because we could not travel at that time of the year. Summary: a week later we had his immediate family, including his 2 children from a previous marriage lined up to come to Edmonton. My Mom, dad and one sister came (for my father in-law's birthday party), they lived in the area so it was easy to get them to come.

So the next morning while we were walking our dog, DH turns to me and says "Everyone will be here, let's have a surprise wedding." So that's what we did. I had a dress made that was a "Ball gown" and done in light gold satin in stead of white, much cheaper than a wedding dress, we had a friend that lives in Jasper AB make our wedding bands for us and they were spectacular (she's a great artisan and I can give you her contact information if you like, she's also relatively cheap), our triathlon training buddy, who is also a lawyer married us, we each had one person stand up for us, we leased out a favorite restaurant for the night and voila, we had a fabulous wedding with everything that we wanted and no arguements with family.

The meal was expensive as it was gourmet but we only had about 25 guests so it wasn't a big deal. We had another friend play the cello for the ceremony (a celtic hand fasting ceremony where we wrote our own vows and kept to 10 min) and for the cocktail hour afterward. Then we had our own music, Billy Holiday, Etta James, that sort of thing. And as for cake, we had a dessert buffet that went over really well. We were also able to invite more friends for the dessert part at only 7 dollars a head. We asked our friends that were "in the know" to bring cameras and take photos which worked out great. Most brought point and shoots but we had one friend who brought an SLR and did black and Whites - no posing just candids. The next day this same friend did our official outside wedding shots (we had to get dressed up again). We did not have a dance, we just all hung out in the restaurant and visited. It was fantastic. I would not have changed a thing.

I did not have a engagement ring for the reasons other people have listed. Also, did you know that the "tradition" of the engagement diamond was a marketing ploy started by the Debeers diamond company sometime in the 40's in an effort to increase diamond sales. Boy did it work!!

Other non-trad, budget conscious ideas from friends:

- an engagement puppy
- wedding favors of home made cookies packaged nicely in chinese take-out boxes
- wedding dress ordered off the internet from China for 3 dollars (my friend ordered 5 and chose one, gave the other 4 away or to Good Will)
- a pyramid of creme puffs for a wedding cake made by an aunt
- single gerber daisies in small vases bought from a dollar store for table flowers

Good luck with your wedding planning. Stick to your guns and as much as people may grumble about your non-traditional decisions, they'll all have fun anyway and they'll talk about it for years - ours still does.

[Grog]

aaaah! Ladies! Thank you! I knew I could count on you to make me feel better about all this and come up with nice, simple, refreshing ideas!! It's great to hear that some people at least share my uneasiness with all the rigid (and expensive) traditions surrounding what should be just a wonderful celebration of love and commitment.

We - or rather I - have decided that the event would be catered because we all enjoy good food. The venue is an unpretentious golf club which will be decorated already. It's more expensive because we need to buy all the food and all the booze from them, but this is probably the price for having less time to invest ourselves. A potluck would have been something GREAT if half the guests were not flying in from other cities and staying in cramped houses or hotel rooms for the days around the wedding. Another thing is that neither of us has lots of time so finding a decent venue that's decorated and provides sound equipment etc. is a great relief! I'd love to have the reception outside, but even in August this is risky in Vancouver... I'm already worried about having the ceremony outside!! (Which will be outside our residential college by the ocean at UBC, for those who know the area!).

But Dear Fiancé and I had another conversation last night and I think we made progress. He's just as shocked as I am by the industrial feel of it all and also wants to have things our way. With your ideas and ours I think we'll make something fun happen!

We want to go from the ceremony to the reception venue (about 2-3 km) on our bikes and attach cans at the back! No transportation fees (but about 20 dollars to decorate the bikes!) Music will also be a DIY affair. I'm hoping to find a musician friend for the ceremony itself, though. Photographs? We'll see what happens.

big hug to all you ladies! you really lifted my spirits there!

[Grog]

Other non-trad, budget conscious ideas from friends:

- an engagement puppy
- wedding favors of home made cookies packaged nicely in chinese take-out boxes
- wedding dress ordered off the internet from China for 3 dollars (my friend ordered 5 and chose one, gave the other 4 away or to Good Will)
- a pyramid of creme puffs for a wedding cake made by an aunt
- single gerber daisies in small vases bought from a dollar store for table flowers

Wow these are awesome!!! I have been talking about wedding cookies for a while!

We're not goign to get a puppy, but it's really a cute gift, and one that might be much more meaningful! (And quite durable too.)