one too many (warning: sad)

[tygab]

>>The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.<<

I'm sorry for the serious topic, but it's what's on my mind today, and I like that this is a supportive group that I can share this type of thing. Also, it situates how I came to cycling, and what it's meant to me.

A year ago, my life became... different. And today especially, but this whole year, I have been thinking about what happened and how it's affected me. I know many of you have experienced painful losses, and maybe some of you haven't but I'd like to write some of my thoughts and how I came to cycling as well as to a subtle shift in who I am to try and be a better person, to try and do with my life something that is meaningful...

A year ago this day, my husband and I lost a very good friend of ours. We had last seen him at our wedding, just a few weeks earlier. I don't have many friends, and most of my friends are via my husband, although this is now something I am working on (easier said than done for a natural introvert). Anyway, he was my husband's motorcyling buddy and would frequently stop by and hang out with us even when they didn't have anything planned. He was not someone we felt we had to be different around, clean up for, make special food, whatever. He just was content to hang out. He loved playing with our cats, was willing to help do whatever mundane things we were up to. And we'd done the same over at his place, though not as often. He was always cracking jokes and finding fun in life. He lived close by, and we shared other interests as well & there was frequently talk of 'someday' doing this or that. We'd get a little more serious when we'd actually invite him over for dinner with other company, as we did on a couple of occaisions. We saw him most in summer, when he'd be out and about on his (motor)bike, and he always tried to get me to go with my husband more, but I'd politely decline saying it wasn't really for me.

The hard part, the part that makes it so difficult for me - is that our friend chose this path. He left behind so many - friends including us who would have done anything we could have to prevent it, and of course his family, including a twin with whom we are also friends (like most identical twins, it took me a while to tell them apart at first!), who would have done the same. None of us saw it coming - he hadn't talked of his feelings, or led a recognizable battle with whatever was going on in his head, and we were all in our own ways devastated. As an EMT, I feel like I was somewhat prepared for something like this, but this was someone who was extremely careful about his life and health who didn't reach out to as far as we know anyone on this. This kind of grief was/is at least for me, very different from the passing of my grandparents. Yet of course in hindsight, we all wonder if we could have done/recognized more.

I remember finding out like it was yesterday - frozen and crystal, and in some ways like how I recall 9/11. I remember the mood I was in before, and after finding out. I remember where I was, what I was doing, the weather, the disbelief and panic I could hear in my own voice. The feeling of 'is this really happening?'

For the remainder of the year, I felt like I was in winter hibernation, generally upset, and very sad. I just wanted the year to be over, as this seemed to eclipse the joy I'd felt around our wedding and honeymoon not too long before. I hoped 2006 would bring me something to look forward to, and maybe I'd begin to feel joy and want to engage again. And as sad as I was, I know my husband and our friend's family were feeling it even more than I could fathom. My husband was a pallbearer at the funeral.

In February, a colleague sent a notice to our work site looking for PMC riders to form a team. I hadn't ridden seriously ever. I hadn't raised thousands of dollars ever. I was out of shape, and I didn't have a road bike. The longest I'd ridden before in recent times was 15 miles, and that was a big event! Though the PMC had sounded like an interesting 'someday' thing before that email came across my desk (I did have a someday goal of doing a century, even then), when I got the email that day, I knew that if my doing this would keep someone from the sadness I was feeling, I had to do it. I know cancer is a very different scenario, but still, it's unexpected, chaotic, and those left in its wake feel shocked, and/or robbed of time with someone they cared about, just like how I was feeling.

I was hoping that maybe somewhere in that journey, I could channel my sad energy into something more positive. I asked my husband if he'd be interested (the summer of 05 we'd also had his grandfather pass away from cancer and my uncle be diagnosed with brain cancer- thankfully my uncle was treated pretty effectively). He was, and we'd signed up. Within a few weeks, we went to the bike store to pick out bikes.

Next came rumblings of a layoff at my work, stressful in its own right, and not too much later I found myself one day with lots of time to ride. Cycling was something I could stay focused on, with a goal in mind to achieve, rather than worrying about a situation I again had little control over.

So I rode, a lot, and as I rode I processed somehow everything that had been going on, and how it was changing my outlook on what kind of person I wanted to be and what my place in the world is. I can't say I think on the bike about such things (I think about the cars, the next turn, the road, my pace), but I am definitely processing. I still don't know all the answers, but I know that when I come back from riding, I am more ready to engage with others.

I have written about the PMC elsewhere, that it was an amazing event.

But still, it didn't/doesn't bring him back and I can't help but have a hollow feeling about it. I feel that I failed him (and his family) as a friend and I don't know that I will ever feel otherwise. In my religion the first year after someone's passed is the mourning year. I have spent a year mourning his loss, but now I hope to find ways and focus more on celebrating his life. I guess, our friend did succeed in getting us out 'biking', though maybe not what he had in mind. Still, I think he'd approve, and I'll continue to think about him in this context.

We're spending part of today doing things we know he loved, my husband's just left to do their favorite local motorcycle ride, and I'll probably just go for a walk in the woods. We're getting together later with mutual friends and his brother. Maybe we'll even have a little bonfire (he enjoyed that too).

It's hard that even in this modern time, this is such a little discussed topic, yet still such a problem for so many. I have read that around 30,000 people in the US alone commit suicide a year. Even now, I find it hard to say that word. Not that I want to be talking about it at dinner parties, but there are days I just want to scream, cry, yell, or just say to people when they're wrapped up around the little things, 'Don't you get it? This stuff is not the stuff that's important. We all have such little time here, and is this really how you want to spend it? Do you realize how quickly it could all change? Let's talk about things that really matter!' There are days when 30,000 or for that matter, just one, is one too many.

Anyway, thanks for reading...

[Xrayted]

((((tygab))))

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone you care about, no matter how, is rough. But with suicide, it seems to stick with one longer. It's not like an accident or an illness, where you can at least fall back on the old "maybe it was just his time" adage. It's a conscious act and it makes everyone look back and question yourselves as to why you didn't see it coming. You don't always get warning signs though. I sounds like this is one of those times.
As a former EMT and now x-ray tech, I too have seen attempts and completions way too many times for comfort. All younger people too. Whether I know them or not, it just makes me so sad to think about it. What does one have to be so tormented over that suicide seems like the only answer? There are as many varied reasons as there are attempts. Still, it will never make sense to me no matter how long I live.

Thank you for sharing. I know it must be quite hard on you today. I think it'll be very therapeutic for you all to get together and share in your grief and loss. I like that you've chosen to honor his memory by doing some of the things he enjoyed rather than just sit around commiserating. It's a much healthier path to getting some closure, if that's possible in this situation.

Take care, Ty. If you ever need to talk, there are plenty of us here who will listen. Anytime you need it. You're all in my thoughts and I'll ride in honor of your friend (and one of mine ) today.

Cindy

[latelatebloomer]

Thank you for such an important post. Thank you for sharing your sorrow and your wisdom. Now I have to go hug some people.

[lph]

Oh my Mourning a loss sucks, I know a little how you feel, I'm mourning my brother lost 3 months ago. But mourning a suicide must be one of the worst ones. I can only imagine what it's like to know that he shared your lives but still wouldn't share the really big issue - whatever led up to him choosing to leave it. That must be really tough!! I can only think that if he didn't tell you, then there's nobody he would have told. Maybe knowing the two of you kept him alive that much longer. I'm sorry - I know "comforting noises" don't really help. I just recognize that feeling of guilt creeping up on you, and the feeling that the loss never goes away even though you try to do something constructive with it, and how the best you can do is try to weave it into the rest of your life and live on a little wiser but a little sadder.

[BikeMomma]

Tygab,

Thanks so very much for sharing this day with us and by helping to spread the importance of awareness. Your pain today is obvious and I hope that by tonight when you lay down to sleep, exhausted I'm sure, you can smile about the good times, however veiled they were, and continue healing.

I can breathe a sigh of relief and say that I've never experienced 'closely' the suicide death of a friend or loved one, but my brother has had two members of his band at different times commit suicide. With the second one, he could plainly see what was coming and begged and pleaded -- tried everything -- to help him realize that there must be some other way to deal with the demons in his life. But even though my brother tried everything he could, Eric still took his life, and left behind three beautiful children who now will grow up without their daddy. Sad, indeed. My heart still hurts at the thought.

I'd say, Ty, take comfort that your friend apparently chose to come to you for company & good times and to help himself smile, if only temporarily. So you did help him while he was alive, but just unknown to you, he had other things going on that were way beyond your knowledge or control. Please don't blame yourself, if you are. You and your husband cared very much for this person, and I'm positive he knew it.

Thanks for your very important post, especially with the Holidays fast approaching. Time to give thanks for friends & family and to let them know they're loved.

~BikeMomma

[tygab]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. It helped me a lot to hear from you. We saw his family and friends, and we did end up having some people over for a fire. It was nice to realize that we could come together still, and remember his life and that he was part of our lives. My husband and I sat by the fire after the others left, talking until 2 am. It was good because he doesn't talk about it much, and I know it was something that neither of us figured for our first year of marriage.

lph, I am very sorry to hear of your brother's passing, so recently. Hopefully your friends and family are giving you comfort, as well. (((hug from me)))

-Tasha

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

My heart goes out to all of you who have been touched by this sad sad thing. It can be so hard.

[emily_in_nc]

I am so sorry for your loss.

My boyfriend's older brother took his own life while I was in college. It was just devastating on the family. I watched his mother lose tons of weight without even trying to diet, and everyone suffered mightily. People who do this just don't realize how much they will hurt everyone around them and how much they were loved.

Emily

[SheFly]

Tygab - so sorry for your loss. Thanks, though, for sharing with us. That will definitely help you as you move through your grieving process.

Nineteen years ago (can it really be that long ago????), my BF/best friend took his life one week before we graduated from high school. Like you, I had no idea that this was coming. What made it even more difficult for me were the questions from friends about whether I knew...

I went off to college and drank myself silly to try to cope. With the help of some good friends, I soon realized that this was not the answer, and tried to effectively deal with my grief in more constructive ways - counseling, writing, TALKING about the events. It really took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that there was NOTHING that I could have done to stop this tragedy from happening.

I have maintained a close relationship with my BF's parents. A couple of years ago I showed up at their house. We all cried and laughed still over our memories. It was really important to them that I still remembered their son. It also maintains a link for me...

May 1 of next year will mark the 20th anniversary for me. The day will not pass without reflection and some sadness, even still.

Know that you will get through this. A year may seem like a long time, but you are on the road to healing. It is a bumpy and windy road. Know that you are not alone on your journey. I am located in MA, so if you ever want a shoulder, let me know.

Hugs,
SheFly

[janetsplanet]

My husband committed suicide 20 years ago last month.
He left behind a beautiful little 3 year old girl and a wife who would have done anything for him.
You never forget but like all death you move through those stages of sadness, anger and finally forgiveness.
To this day I still find it hard to give my heart to any man but I have found peace within and thank him for my daughter.
The saddest thing is that now my daughter is showing some of the signs of the illness he had. At her age, our doctor said it may get worse so the best thing to do is keep a close watch on those he was closest to.
Please learn to celebrate his life and remember the good times and feeling he gave to people. It will make it so much easier to forgive and help those around you that may not be able to...It will never make sense but it may help another lost soul in this world on the edge.

[Bikingmomof3]

My prayers for all of who who have been impacted by such a loss.