caring for elderly parent

[newfsmith]

My Mom, almost 92 and quite frail, has finally agreed that it is time to move closer to me and her 9 month old great-grandson. We are trying to figure how best to care for her. Assisted care is out of the question financially. We either have to add to our house;find a different house that would be accessable to her, that would cost about what we could get for our house; or rent an apartment for her. If you have been though this sort of decision yourself, and would be willing to discuss it, please PM me. Thanks

[DDH]

I am not in the same situation, but have a mother and MIL in the nursing home right now. My mother went in on her own even though I begged her not to, and my MIL has dementia so we were unable to have her live with us or have her stay in her own home anymore. It's not easy as our parents get older and we as children have to step in. I feel for you and hope you are able to come to a decision without to much heart ache or frustration.
It's hard to know exactly what the right thing to do is, and it definitely changes your life.

[NbyNW]

Very few homes are truly accessible, unless the person selling it to you retrofitted it for similar reasons. I believe this is going to become more common in the future, as your situation does not sound so unusual.

Some good friends of ours built an addition off of their living room when one of them started to have trouble getting up and down stairs. Their architect and builder did a beautiful job, and they referred to their home as a "ranch with a guest floor (upstairs).

Since you're in MA, here is an excellent resource:
http://www.adaptenv.org/

[SadieKate]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to add an empathic note.

We just got the call that my 81 yr old dad broke his hip this morning. He's sitting in the ER now, waiting for the ortho to come consult on PT vs surgery.

[PscyclePath]

Newf:

I've been through it twice in the past year... My dad's Alzheimers disease began progressing sharply around Christmas the year before last, and he went into a decline, and passed away this past New Year's. We went through hospitalization, home care, and hospice for the last five months or so.

Then my mom fell and broke her right hip the first of last month. She bounced back pretty quickly for being 79, and has been released to go home about a month ago. She's doing fine, needs a fair bit of watching after, and the home health care folks have fits because of her wanting to do things her way, and her pet poodles. In turn, they give me fits because she doesn't always folow their instructions. "Do you think she minds me any better than she does you?" So far, I'm (and she's) making it pretty well...

It's hard. Very hard. And sometimes the things you have to do to help them and protect them will tear your heart apart, especially when there's dementia involved.

I'm single, and after the past year I have a pact with my sisters (both out of state) than if anything like that ever happens to me, they'll put me down like an old hound dog. I don't want to be a burden like that to anyone...

Tom

[tulip]

Sent you a PM.

It would be a very good idea to have a sit-down with an attorney who specializes in elder care issues. If your mother's house is in her name, that needs to be changed asap. It might be too late to protect her assets, but it's definitely worth a consult.

It's hard for everyone, but if you get the legal and financial ducks lined up as best you can, there are fewer surprises.

[newfsmith]

Thanks for the replies, I do know what I'm getting into, I grew up with 3 grandparents in the house. Maybe because of that, as long as possible I want to keep her in our home. Bike ride tonight cleared my mind enough to realize that we had been thinking about our house the wrong way, all we really need is another bathroom and a Vertical Platform lift to get her into the house. That should all be within our budget. Now for the massive house reorganization. Thanks for the support.

[salsabike]

I did not have exactly the same situation so I have not PMed you. I DID have a year, June 2006-June 2007, when my elderly mother became ill, deteriorated over the year, and died. During that year, since I lived 3000 miles away, I worked with the world's most wonderful geriatric care manager in my home town. She was a member of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. Members in your area can be found at

http://www.caremanager.org/index.cfm\

They can tell you what kinds of help are available depending on her and your situation and ID resources for you in your area.

I also worked with a small business called Moving Mentors, located in the Berkshires, to help get my mom's house cleaned out and things either donated or given away.

Both of these organizations were life savers for me.

Newfsmith, Tom, SK, and others, my sympathy. This stuff is very hard. One of my best friends says that she has told her adult kids that when they find her not using lipstick and reading the NY Times, they'll know it's time to take her out in the backyard and shoot her. I'm not single, but we don't have kids. But no matter what your situation is--single, married, with kids or without--it's difficult, painful stuff that we just trudge through the best we can, using the help we can find.

[shootingstar]

If the chosen option is rent an apartment for her and she's already frail, it might be a unsafe situation for her.

My partner's mom lived until she was 93 before she died last year.

She lived on her own until she was 89. There was a period of 4 previous years where she lived with her 2nd son in the U.S. but that was always seen as temporary since she was Canadian and health care would be less costly back at her home country.

What made it very clear that she needed to live in assisted care apartment (subsidized partially by govn't because of her low income level), were:

she fell on her face several times when she tripped over her dog's leashes in going out for a walk (broke her glasses, bruised her face), she needed a walker shortly thereafter and then, nearly burning her sleeve when she was cooking and then unable, to assess proper baking temperatures for her own cakes that it made my partner afraid she would acccidentally cause a fire (She was highly skilled in baking, gourmet stuff.)

My partner visited several times per wk. on his bike to check, etc.....she was 4 kms. away.

Then her dementia progressed initially slowly and later she fell, unable to get up for hours. Phone was only within 10 ft. of where she lay. So she moved into a nursing home and lucky it was subsidized.

Her eldest son, my partner, had power of attorney to deal with her finances and mail..especially latter from scamsters.

It sounds like your mother needs someone around to look after her on-site if something should happen that she might endanger herself.

[lunacycles]

I just want to say thank you for looking seriously into finding a way to take care of your Mom within your own home. That she has been independent til now means she is a strong lady, as you obviously know. I know you can't afford it, but the fact you are keeping her out of assisted living is probably a blessing for her, and maybe for you. I wish I grew up in the family culture where this was possible with my mom. But she refused that option and remains steadfastly independent, even though she is deteriorating quickly and doing so while basically alone/isolated. Anyway, thank you again and good luck.

[SadieKate]

I wish I grew up in the family culture where this was possible with my mom. But she refused that option and remains steadfastly independent, even though she is deteriorating quickly and doing so while basically alone/isolated. Anyway, thank you again and good luck.

This is my MIL to a T. Her answering machine is now broken and she not only refuses to get a new one, she won't answer the phone if it isn't handy. So, now she's mad at Bubba for "not calling" on her birthday.

[Mr. Bloom]

Been there and done that. The best thing is that you are doing it at a time when it's a voluntary choice and not a mandatory one.

Do not make the assumption that Assisted Living is not an option. I don't know the programs out there, but I know that my parents were among the only private pay residents at the first Assisted Living facility they were in. There are government resources available. Absent that, I am amazed at the abundance of resources available through our local council on aging that others are able to obtain, including in home assistance.

[Crankin]

Yes, I was going to say the same thing as Mr. Silver. My MIL is in a really nice assisted living place in AZ. She had little money, which was quickly spent down, so she could qualify for state assistance (they have their own Medicare system in AZ). There was an emergency situation where both my MIL and FIL were hospitalized. In 3 days my DH and his siblings: emptied out their apartment and moved/had their stuff taken away, did a power of attorney, and had plans for their placement when they were out of the hospital. They used a social worker who specialized in elder services and a lawyer who did the same thing.
I know you want to bring your mom to your home, but, please try to think of your own life, and how this would impact you. This is a difficult situation that can quickly deteriorate. I know many people disagree with my opinion, but I think it's OK to think of yourself here.

[Aggie_Ama]

My family is going through this on two fronts, you have my admiration and empathy.

1. My Dad's mother was hospitalized after a fall. We were aware she was falling bit didn't know how often. Once in the hospital it was like someone flipped off the lights. They discovered she has rapidly progressing dementia and the doctor would not allow her to return home without 24 hour live-in care. My father is an only child and due to some personality clashes it would not be healthy for him or his mother to move her in his house. He did manage to get her to give him power of attorney, although the doctors was ready to declare her incompetant if not and sold her house. We now have her in assisted living which is very expensive but she is getting VA benefits because my Pawpaw was a veteran. Was your father? The benefits extend to spouses. It is a lengthy process, my parents enlisted a lawyer for assistance.

2. My 91 year old Mammaw had a stroke earlier this year. She was able to get TDA and reverse most signs but the doctors would not let her live alone. She hadn't been for many years because my aunt moved in after her husband died. She had home health care come in for a few months post stroke to help but now it is just her and my aunt. She moved to a new house and must use a walker but other than putting in shower implements, she has not put any other implements in the house. She is pretty frail as well but stubborn as can be.

Hope that helps, good luck.

[Mr. Bloom]

I have a neighbor who's 100 yr old grandmother lives with her. She has an affordable full time care giver that she obtained through the local council on aging. I never would have known a program like this existed...I second Tulip's suggestion to obtain professional input...and Crankin's insight to protect your own independence - particularly with a young child in the house.

You're now part of the sandwich generation in the middle of parenting your young child and your elderly parent.