Feeling Philosophical - Not Bike Related

[Veronica]

I've been thinking a lot this weekend about this student I have. He came to my class in March. He has a history of missing lots of school days, since kindergarten. He's missed about 5 weeks of school since he came to me. So many days that we actually dropped him from our records because we couldn't get a response from anyone about where he was. The family went to Nevada and had car trouble.

We re-enrolled him. I went to my principal and said I wanted to retain him. He doesn't have the neccessary skills for 6th grade. When he is in school, he daydreams, doesn't complete assignments, doesn't follow directions. He's going to keep falling further behind. He's not going to pass the high school exit exam. She said no to the retention.

He shows up in my class on Friday. The kids have computers from 8:30 - 9:30, so I don't see him for an hour. At 9:40 he says he doesn't feel well, he wants to go home. He's just come back from missing three weeks of school.

I ask him if he really needs to go home. I tell him that he has missed so much school I have some real concerns about 6th grade. My principal gives me a hard time for talking to him about this in front of the rest of the class. I have 29 other students - private conversations are impossible. She says he's a victim and just needs love and compassion.

I agree he is a victim. But I think he needs more than TLC. He needs to know what reality is and that he does have choices. His family doesn't value education. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have to. There is no Victim box on the high school exit exam to check. He's not going to get a diploma if he doesn't change. I don't want to enable this kid to stay mired in the welfare system, with no hope of getting out. I don't want to just comfort him. The real world isn't going to do that.

Now to the philosophy part.

The past - you can't change it. You can only learn from it and use it to affect your decisions in the present.

The present - it's an ever changing, slippery slope, kind of like mountain biking down a gnarly 20+% grade, or surfing.

The future - the only thing you really can affect with the decisions you make in the present.

Time to go to work I guess. I'm hoping I make good decisions.

V.

[mikki]

V.
I'm sorry that you found yourself at the short end of the system. Unfortunately, the Ca education system (administration, at least) seems more concerned about self-esteem than actual education and success of the students. This must be difficult for you. I think you did the right thing. This student needs to know that someone cares for his future. That someone is you. Sounds like you are really trying to connect.

Is his missing school a symptom of something more serious? Maybe I'm overreacting because of my education (I'm a student nurse who just finished Psych), but this sounds like it may be more serious that just missing school. Maybe the school social worker could do a home visit to talk to the family. Maybe to you could have a parent-teacher conference.

Most importantly, is to care for yourself. Remember that while you try to help this one, you have 29 others to teach as well.

Good luck
Mikki

[Irulan]

You have no idea what his home life is like, that is the root ( IMO) of everything else. A kid that is unfocused, sick a lot, not motivated may have other problems at home, from worry about whether there's going to be dinner, to whether the parents are going to be fighting/drunk/stoned/present is not going to be worried about passing a grade, sometimes it's more like making it to the next day. Missing 5 weeks a school with no communication is symptomatic of a messed up family... there are behind the scene things going on around here.

Sure, I'm just guessing but I have something to go on. I missed tons of middle school due to "stomach aches" from living in a dysfunctional home. My mentally ill mom pulled me out of school and took us to another state for a month without telling anyone.

And you are right, he doesn't have to be a victim, but that is something that is learned... survival is a learned skill.

The teachers that meant the most to me during my troubled youth were the ones that gave me a safe place without asking a lot of questions.

irulan

[Veronica]

Remember that while you try to help this one, you have 29 others to teach as well.

That's another of my frustrations! We have several seriously wacked out kids at my school. No, that's not an industry term. They have been identified as needing to be in Special Day Class. However, the parents refuse to allow them to be placed there. My best friend has THREE of these in her class. The behavior problems of these three alone keep her from effectively teaching the rest of her class. And I'm for sure getting at least one of them next year!

Admin is so concerned that we don't violate the rights of these "wacked out" kids. What about the others? the "normal" kids?

Thom has a hard time understanding why I can't just let all this go when I come home. He listens, 'cause he's a good hubby. But I think he's looking forward to school being done as much as I am.

V.

[Veronica]

And you are right, he doesn't have to be a victim, but that is some learned... survival is a learned skill.

The teachers that meant the most to me during my troubled youth were the ones that gave me a safe place without asking a lot of questions.

Thanks for the input. My mother had a physically abusive live in boyfriend from the time I was nine until I went away to college. For me it was the opposite. The teachers I remember are the ones who pushed me to be better, who realized I had potential. We all bring our own experiences to the table. I want him to see the way out, to survive. But maybe he's not ready for that.


V.

[singletrackmind]

Unfortunately, the Ca education system (administration, at least) seems more concerned about self-esteem than actual education and success of the students.

Isn't that hilarious? Education is one avenue of self-esteem-it's the other kids that break a precarious one down.
When my step-daughter's mom took her to school late 30% of the time we got letters threatening to call in social services. Oh, how I wish they had! My step-daughters live in deplorable conditions of dirt and irresponsibility. I believe their mom truly loves them but I worry about her teachings through example. We finally convinced her that one of the girls was lying and stealing after 6 years. From that admittance I convinced her of the need for counselling, which she did take her to until the psycologist told her most of my step-daughter's problems were due to her not letting the kid be herself, smothering and bending her to what the mom wants, to be needed.

This kid is the one that needs a lot more help than her teacher can provide, of that we have been reassuring the teacher. After all she has 20+ other students to teach that don't constantly disrupt the class. Right now her mom has worked out a reward system-she gets rewarded for behaving decently. I don't know what to do or think about that-she already has problems with her peers, how will she be viewed when she's being rewarded for acting the way they do every day? Being an INFP makes it hard for me to understand why she can't simply follow the rules. Still, this reward system is working (though I truly believe it to be temporary) and her teacher is able to teach the entire class without so many of her interuptions.

We have worked very hard to get this kid to pass the 4th grade. She's too smart to be held back at this point though she's quickly closing in on grade levels where she won't be so easily forgiven her ways. She cares not of the consequenses of her actions until they are too late to undo so this has all been a battle in which she does not care to participate, making it doubly hard.

We blame none of this on her teachers and are indeed grateful to have had some very caring individuals working hard to help her develop a sense of ethics for work and for the people around her, taking their precious time out to help us help her.

You cannot help every one but mayhaps your caring attitude will be an opening door to this kid, to know that people do care about him and that he's worth it. Without his parents helping and most likely hindering you can only do so much. You can't possibly do it all for him but you don't have to...I am grateful to those teachers that worked hard to help me too, simply by believing there was more to me than I believed...don't they say very small actions can create huge results?

[Trek420]

V, first off, you are a good teacher.

My Mom taught 1st grade also kindergarten and retired as a reading therapist for our Northern CA school dist. She talks about the kids that had problems and how meeting with the parents, even visiting at home if they could not get in and then she understood.

Every so often still at 80+ she is out shopping or walking and someone recognises her "you were my kindergarten teacher!".

You make a difference, V. Even if it's not today this kid will look back and remember he had a teacher who believed in him.

I was one of those "bright but not being challenged enough" kids, bored with school, floundering. Then I had a series of great art teachers; Mr. Turner, Lloyd Wasmuth, Mr Weiss who saw that I had talent and chalenged me. I had it good at home, educated, encouraging, bright, involved parents who value education above all else, good choice of family on my part ;-) Still it was these teachers who showed me "look, you can do creative stuff in school and then in life" and things clicked for me.

So then I knuckled down, went to college, quit college when my folks stopped funding when I came out, went back to school on my own working my way through Private Art School at CCAC, and now my talents are wasted at the phone co. but that's another thread.

Is there anything this kid likes? sports, accordians, spiders...you might not be able to make the long term goal connection because at that age kids don't see that far ahead and lard knows he's not getting this at home. But one of the things I know my Mom did in reading therapy was just talk to the kids, what do they like and then take them to the library and look, here's books on accordians. For many seeing that learning was a way to get to the things they love and that there are books about the stuff was enough. Bet this kid has no books at home.

Besides how many parents want to say "stay in school or you'll wind up like me". Many subtley or not so subtls send the message "dropping out was enough for me."

but could he see that school is where he could learn about the things he loves? I don't envy you, summer's almost here and there's not much time.

PS: the day dreaming and innatention, does he get enough to eat? A.D.D.?

[JanT]

Veronica,
I sympathize with your situation. As a special ed teacher, I have often served on the child study teams at various schools, and these kinds of kids are the most difficult to help. Sometimes you actually get them at school long enough to begin to provide services, and then they move. Many people say I'm so wonderful because I teach special ed students, but you regular ed teachers also teach many kids with special needs, such as those SWO kids you mention. Teaching is a calling, not a job you can do 8 hours a day and walk away from. Usually we're working about 12 hours a day, and thinking about the kids every other waking minute. I'm lucky to have a husband who understands this--and understands why I need to go biking to maintain my sanity.
The solution for problems we have no control over: go for a ride, and keep on keeping on, because summer vacation comes!
My vacation started a week ago, and all of a sudden I can sleep at night! Your time is coming soon. Hang in there!
Jan

[CorsairMac]

V: I don't teach and I don't have children but I can offer this:



{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Veronica}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and the faith that you will make the best decision you can within the confines you have to work with. No matter what happens, you did your best by this child and that is all anyone can ever ask for. and to be sure you know you are not alone - we're here for whatever support you need!

[nuthatch]

The teachers I remember are the ones who pushed me to be better, who realized I had potential. We all bring our own experiences to the table. I want him to see the way out, to survive. But maybe he's not ready for that.

Fifth to sixth grade is such a tricky age. Some are ready to hear and think about things and some are so overwhelmed by everything going on physically, socially, emotionally that even if they are "good" students they can't concentrate on the important stuff. I think you did the right thing to try to get him to think a bit. You are a hero working with this age group - they really are at the crossroads in life.

[massbikebabe]

V;

I think you are doing a great job, I know because my Mom was also a teacher and always had "one of those kids." Would it help if social service got involved?? How about the school nurse? Here in Massachusetts any child that misses more than 15 days, without doctors note, can be retained. I just don't understand parents who refuse to put thier child in spec. classes. I am very blessed with two easy learners, but one time my son was struggling in reading and my DH and I spent several Sevens worth of money to get him the help he needed to catch up to speed. I could never do your job, too many of these kids and their baggage would kill me. Hang in and let us know what happens at the end of the year.

karen

[Crankin]

Veronica, I've been a teacher for 28 years, and I have had quite a few kids like the one you describe. I agree with all who said to get social services involved, or the school nurse. A kid like this would require the team at my school to file a "Child in need of serices" i.e. suspicion of neglect or abuse with the state. Hold the kid to the same expectations that you have for the others, but let him know you will listen. There has got to be a major reason for the excessive absences that is not his fault. He will remember you as someone who cared, even if it's out of your hands now. In Massachusetts, teachers are mandated reporters of neglect; can you call the Dept. of Social Services if no one else will?

In regards to the behavior disordered kids not being placed in a special class...there is absolutely nothing a principal can do if parents will not consent to testing or placement. If they break the school rules, they can be suspended, but that's about it. Sometimes getting other parents to complain does it. On the other hand, there really are many federal laws to follow when discipling a child who is in Special education. Perhaps this is what you are referring to, when you say the principal is worried about protecting the rights of some kids. This is part of the IDEA law and stems from the times back in the 60's and early '70's when these kids were often denied the right to go to school or were kicked out forever.

[Veronica]

Thanks for listening and giving me ideas. I think what bothers me most is that I don't feel like my principal and I are on the same wave length. She prefers to comfort and try to get to the root of the problem and I'm more of a deal with it and move on kind of person. She doesn't believe we need to involve anyone else. Funny to hear mention of school nurses and counselors. What are those? We're pretty much on our own in my district.

I did take the opportunity to talk to the class today about how the past shapes the future. I told them about being teased because I was poor and on welfare and how I hated it. That I could remember being in third grade when I decided I was going to college. Only because I knew that if you went to college - you couldn't be poor. (Go ahead and laugh) As an example of how the past shapes the present, I reminded them how much I dislike it when they tease people over things they can't control - it's because I was teased and that's why I don't tolerate it with them. My guy was listening.

11 more days.


V.

[Trek420]

Veronica "My guy was listening. "

11 more days.

you struck a nerve, keep going.

[nuthatch]

Well done, Veronica!!!