Could use some encouragement and advice

[NoNo]

I know I'm still new around these parts, but I've been lurking and reading for a while. You seem like a pretty sage group, so I'm turning to you for some advice and maybe a little pick-me-up.

Thanks to the TE Weight Loss Challenge, I've greatly increased my activity levels these last 2 months. Four years ago (this week, I think) I joined WW and lost 30 lbs. But I could never stick with exercising consistently. Last year I decided I needed to change that, and I signed up for a 50 mile bike ride for MS, knowing I'd have to prepare for it. I completed that ride, and did a metric in September. I've really fallen in love with cycling, and I want to achieve greater goals. This year I'd like to do a century and the MS 150 (my brother has MS, but thankfully is doing well and does the rides with me). For that, I know I really need to step up my training and fitness levels.

Thanks to WW, I know how to eat well. I eat plenty of veggies, fruit, protein, etc, and don't starve myself because I know that's not how to get the results I want. My workouts aren't outrageous: an hour on the elliptical once or twice a week, the Turbo Sculpt video twice a week, and a day or two on the bike for an hour. While I haven't lost weight according to my scale, I can see that I'm getting more toned (I dropped a size). This is where the problem lies.

Over the holidays I got a barrage of "you're wasting away" comments. Of course, I come from a traditional Italian family, so the fact that I'm anywhere near a normal weight is cause for concern for them. What's hard for me is that growing up, I was always chubby, and my parents never let me forget it. Any chance they had to point out how fat I was or that I was lazy and didn't exercise, they jumped on. Now I'm doing all the right things, and instead of being happy, they tell me I'm turning anorexic and generally mock my desire to be fit. I can't stress that point enough: I don't want to be thin, I want to be fit. "Oh, another reformed dieter!" is my dad's favorite refrain. I often feel like I can never win with them, that there's just no making them happy.

The whole thing is stressful to me. I know I'm not doing anything wrong or that will hurt me, i.e. extreme dieting or exercising. But somehow I feel like I am. I'd like to continue with the progress I've made and tone up more, but I fear the torment I'd have to endure from them should I get any smaller (btw I'm 5'-1" 123 lb, not exactly waif-like). It's tough knowing that no matter what I do, I can't seem to get any kind of support from my own family. Yesterday literally my entire family - aunts, grandparents, parents - were sitting around the table commenting. Oh sure, if I do complete a century, they'll tell me they're proud, but leading up to it will be a whole lot of "well you just do the best you can. I'm sure there are vans to take you back if you need to stop." I don't think they understand how much work is involved beforehand to be able to complete a ride like that. What's doubly frustrating is that my brother essentially did the same thing when he was diagnosed with MS. Changed his diet and started working out, eventually getting into weight-lifting and getting pretty cut. But no one said a word to him. He looks great, he's in great shape, and so forth. But no, I guess I'm not allowed to do the same thing.

So the point of all this is what can I do to a) convince them I'm not out to hurt myself, b) get them in my corner, and c) should that fail, learn to ignore their criticism? I want to be healthy, but part of that includes mental wellness, and right now I'm not feeling all that great. Have any of you had to deal with similar doubts/criticisms from those close to you? I'm sorry for the long post, but I really needed to get this off my chest, and I felt like this was the only group that would understand my plight. Thanks so much for listening.

Annette

[mimitabby]

Hi Annette, i know what you mean about Italian families, I have one too.
You're not going to change them. Just ignore them is the only solution I can think of. Your father (your whole family, really) only knows one way to give attention and you're not going to change him now. You could get INTO his face and say "LOOK at the wonderful thing I'm doing, and I feel so much better now!" but he'll probably just think of another wisecrack and any compliments you deserve he will THINK but not repeat out loud.
Ally yourself with other athletes like us here on TE (hey, I'm an athlete, how cool is that!)

Welcome to TE! tell us about your bike, your rides, etc.

Mimitabby

[kelownagirl]

Hi Nono, congratulations on your weight loss and more importantly, on the increase in your fitness! Overall, I have had lots of support and encouragement over the past year or two but I can sympathize with you as you get closer to being a "normal" weight. People don't want to hear about a 'diet' when you are already what they consider to be thin. I am 5-3 and down to 120 lbs and I don't really 'diet' but I have changed the way I eat and people notice that at work. I'll pass up on the desserts and treats and they'll say "why are you still dieting - you're already skinny!" They don't get that I'm trying to eat healthfully and that if I do go back to eating whatever I want, I'll gain it back. I don't want to yoyo. It must be harder when you're dealing with family though, where you would like to get support and encouragement. Have you tried sitting down with them and explaining exactly how you feel and why it's important to you to have their support? Good luck!

[SouthernBelle]

Right now I'm on the high end of what I consider my acceptable weight range. Still over Christmas I got several comments about how thin I am. Not mean-spirited. But I still received clothes sized to what I weighed 3 years ago! There's really not much you can do to be honest. All I can suggest is to remark, "But I feel so much better!"

[Zen]

Congratulations on your WW success and new lifestyle

I often feel like I can never win with them, that there's just no making them happy.

They're the ones who need a change of attitude, not you. Don't stress yourself out over them. You just have to learn to tune them out.
Have you talked to your brother about this?

[NoNo]

I'm actually in tears here at my desk! Such immediate support is more than I could ask for. It's comforting to know I'm not insane and I'm not alone.

Mimi, you hit the nail on the head. If I confront them about this, they'll just find some other reason to pick on me. It's a recurring cycle. Sadly, I've yet to work up the courage to call them out on it. It was so bad that in college, along with the stresses of school and work, I woke up one day and couldn't walk. After two years of this occuring on and off, and with no positive test results, my neurologist finally concluded that it was likely stress and that my home life was not helping. Needless to say, I never told them that. As harsh as they can be, I know in some weird way they mean well. Sure enough, when I graduated and moved out (which caused yet another fight) the leg thing has stopped. Some days when I'm riding I just burst out in a big grin and think "I used to not be able to walk! Look at me now!" I was really feeling great about how far I'd come these last 2 months until this last week. I wish I could just ignore them, but it's my family.

Oh, and my bike is an 06 Specialized Dolce Elite that I picked up in August. It's my first road bike and I'm very happy with it. It has full 105 and I switched to Crank Bro. Quattro pedals. I'm getting the Polar CS400 to further my training goals. It's dark by the time I get home from work, so I ride on the trainer now. I did manage to get out on Saturday for my first-ever cold ride and I loved it!

[NoNo]

Zen - My brother is the first-born Italian male. The world revolves around him. He's never had a problem with the double-standard, and I doubt he's even noticed. The only time in my life he spoke up on my behalf was when I was trying to move out. My dad was being a jerk, not talking to me or if he did, making comments like "You've got it SO bad here, don't you? Go ahead, run away!" I've never heard of parents that didn't want their grown children out of the house Finally my bro snapped and said "This is why she wants to move out!" It shut him up for a while, but you could tell it still didn't sink in.

[mimitabby]

Yes, Italian families think there's something wrong with you if you want to leave home. My poor sons (in their 20's) got a real mixed message; mom: Stay as long as you need, I like you here.. Dad (not italian) I want you to move out as soon as you graduate....(high school, college, grad school... )

NoNo (interesting name, sounds like Grandpa in Italian)
Congrats on going outside in the winter and riding! I rode 2 days this past week but before that, hadn't ridden since early november (on a trip to Arizona, I might add)

From the way you describe your family, you have multiple generations of "teasers"; that's the way their parents treated them, and their grandparents treated their parents. They aren't going to change!
You are doing the right thing. Distance yourself and enjoy your wonderful healthy life. And I'm glad you're enjoying that sweet bike.
mimi

[indysteel]

NoNo, congrats on all your accomplishments. It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude. Unfortunately, it also sounds like your family is unsupportive and critical in general and that your issues extend well beyond cycling and weighloss.

In dealing with the problem people in my life, all I can really do is to ask for what I need and, when if and when they aren't able to meet that need, then to make sure that it gets met elsewhere. And if a conversation starts to turn abusive or hurtful then I say, as politely as possible, that I must end hang up the phone or leave. It sounds like you have reason to believe that your family isn't going to change, but I would still encouarge you to have a conversation about what your needs are. I would further suggest that you try to avoid a "confrontation." Use "I" statements and be specific about how their comments make you feel. You might check out a book called "Difficult Conversations." The "Dance of Anger" is also very, very good.

I'll be honest that I've sought therapy for my own problematic family. My counselor likes to point out when it seems like I'm "going to the hardware store to get milk." Meaning, there are a lot of things my family just can't provide for me and I have to look elsewhere. I'm not suggesting that it's easy to change what should be reasonable expectations of the people in my life who are supposed to be loving and nurturing, but the alternative is to beat my head repeatedly against the wall. When my family fails me yet again, my counselor likes to ask me, "okay, now what"? In figuring that out, I realize that I'm empowered to take care of myself, regardless of how my family is acting.

It may be that you have to limit your family's role in your ongoing quest to be fit and instead get support from friends or training partners. Or on TE. We're good for that! In the end, the support you provide yourself is really what's going to matter. There's always going to be someone trying to tell you that you're too thin, too fat, too fast, too slow, doing too little, doing too much, etc., etc. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn to love yourself deeply for all that you are and all that you have and will accomplish. And to love yourself for your failings, too.

I wish you the best on that journey!

[three]

NoNo, congratulations on your weightloss and dedication to fitness!! As I try to get back on that saddle myself, I find your story to be inspiring. Thank you.

I have to agree with Indy's post. It seems undeniable that issues beyond weightloss and cycling lie at the heart of what's going on. Therapy can be a wonderful thing (as long as you've got a good therapist) and I'd encourage you to consider it. Professional help might just offer you the support base you need while you work to not only reach your fitness goals, but also learn to process your family's less-than-supportive feedback.

From your words, it seems your family has a history of being critical and the worst part of this pattern is that their words have managed to carry more weight to you - than your very own. When you say that you know what you're doing is healthy and not bad for you, BELIEVE IT! That wise little voice inside of you already does (I can tell). The words from your family members are reflections of their own issues - which you've taken on as your own. Those issues do nothing for you - let them go.

I agree that a confrontation won't do any good because it doesn't sound like they'd do a good job of hearing your needs. Keep getting support, consider the therapy thing, and trust yourself.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Above all else, to thine own self be true." - Shakespeare

It's your life NoNo. Live it.

[makbike]

NoNo,

Welcome to the group! Have you considered sitting down with a counselor to help you figure out a good way to handle your family? It is tough I know for I get from my dad - "you must be crazy to ride like that" or "I thought you were the smart one of the five" when I talk about my riding. Now I will be honest here and say he gives my older brother (the one who introduced me to cycling in the 80's) the same grief. I just laugh at him and remind him on fit both my brother and I am. Sometimes I think family members think they are joking and the receiver of the message misses that joke. In all honesty, I would encourage you to sit down with them and have a one on one conversation with each person and tell them how their messages are affecting you. I would not do it as group for your message will be lost. Using, "I" statments, like Indy suggested works well.

Hang in there, don't lose sight of your goals and dreams for if you let your family's lack of support rub off on you your loses were be far reaching. Just remind yourself you are doing this for you not them. Hang in there, smile and pat yourself on the back for you have accomplished a lot.

[Geonz]

Welp, mainly a +1 to what others have said. It doesn't matter what you do - their role seems to be to find grief with it. That's the issue, not your riding and fitness and health. Big congrats for building a healthy lifestyle!!! YOu've changed *you* in so many good ways... and that's the part you're responsible for.

[Wahine]

In dealing with the problem people in my life, all I can really do is to ask for what I need and, when if and when they aren't able to meet that need, then to make sure that it gets met elsewhere. And if a conversation starts to turn abusive or hurtful then I say, as politely as possible, that I must end hang up the phone or leave. It sounds like you have reason to believe that your family isn't going to change, but I would still encouarge you to have a conversation about what your needs are. I would further suggest that you try to avoid a "confrontation." Use "I" statements and be specific about how their comments make you feel. You might check out a book called "Difficult Conversations." The "Dance of Anger" is also very, very good.

I have to second what was said here. Counselling and the book "Dance of Anger" saved my relationship with the man that became my husband and it made a world of difference in my family relationships. I still have to deal with an overly critical mother but I can manage that relationship now without the hurt and we have actually become much closer.

[NoNo]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, and the suggestions. I've actually thought about therapy so many times, I just haven't worked up the nerve to actually make the call. I feel like it'd just give them one more thing to ream me over, though I suppose I wouldn't have to tell them. I also worry because there is some illness in my family, and I've always worked so hard to not be "like them". It's silly, but it's just another hurdle that I'm sure I'll eventually get over. I've spent the last few years getting myself physically well, maybe 08 is the year I get my mind in shape!

[shootingstar]

May I suggest that you get legitimate professional and objective opinion.....from your family physician.

At your next physical /medical appointment, request that s/he weigh you and explain to the doctor what is an ideal weight for you. If already you have other medical problems that had been affecting your health due to much overweight, it would help anyone understand.

I am 5'1" at 48 yrs. old = 100 lbs. I have small bone structure, so your bone structure might be bigger. I am at the correct weight. I have had skinfold measurements, etc. over the past 4 years in a physician's office.

I know that I am normal because...I compare myself against other Asian women...it is more accurate I benchmark myself against groups of women who were raised on predominantly Asian diets from babyhood.

From a petite Chinese-Canadian cyclist.

As for your family, good thing...you live in a different home from parents. Just have to tune them out. Yea, my parents were initially worried when one of my sisters became vegan for a few years. They got over it. And yeh, they were concerned when another sister, who is a DOCTOR, lost 50 lbs. Yea, she was overweight. They got over that one too....after they remembered their slim daughter 15 years before.

They'll support you...might take several months, years. Live your life, it's their problem, not you.

I know, I know you must politely hold your ground. But rather than have family focus on your weight, they need to also know how much more fun you are having exercising and fitting into great clothing.

get your doctor's opinion please, at the very least. To dispel the anorexic misunderstandings.