making drastic changes in life

Pax's situation of her health vs. a new place/climate made me reflect on personal choices why people move to different places far from where they lived for many years/grew up.

In my own social circle of long standing friends over past few decades :rolleyes:, I've been the one that has relocated the furthest and several times several thousand km. away from where I spent childhood and university years. I've never lived overseas outside of Canada. And don't have a need now or in future. So probably sound like a homebody Canadian. I am not certain having family who immigrated from Asia, has given me an extra dose of reality through their eyes on what Canada offers vs. other areas of the world where there are more profound gaps between rich and poor, infrastructure and social service support, etc.

Friends have relocated several times to cities approx. 100-350 km. away from where they started in childhood. A learning thing in the end, for a person even if experience was not great.

Choosing a totally different geographic region for purposes of job is a different "lens" on adjustment and only slightly mitigated by the reality of earning money vs. being in a less personal desirable choice location.

I've lived my entire life on the move, so I don't find it unusual. Grew up in a military family and attended 14 schools before high school. As an adult I've moved dozens of times, some in town, some across the country. I love being new places and experiencing new things, this most recent move was to get out of the cold and have a home base for travel. I think itch feet are just part of my DNA.

My brother, born and raised the exact same as me has done a 180 from this, he has spent his entire adult life entrenching himself so he never has to face new people or situations except on the occasional vacation.

I, too, moved so much when I was up to 18 (going through different schools in same year) that I don't care much where I live, as long as I'm happy. My plan in 2-4 years is to become more of a nomad and do the motorhome life until I get bored of it. As for hubby, he never moved from day 1...until he moved in with me. And talking about changes is oh...so hard. He's more rooted than I am for sure. He knew when we met that one day I'd be on the go again. It is a either follow me...or I go by myself. Limited options but have some. :) I stood by him for 30 years now because of his parents (now both deceased - mine are too), and his job. But once retired in the next few years...it will be on my ground! I have nothing but our jobs keeping us here. So once the jobs are over and done with...rock my world!

I've been talking to him for years now as I have to get him "ready" for this move at retirement. Once he owns something, no matter what, it is hard to let go. Just to get him to sort out his stuff is something. Baby steps...true baby steps! I don't accumulate and don't get attached to anything. I'm here today, have that today, but who cares for tomorrow. Just sell and move on.

It will be interesting to see how we will be dealing with this. He agrees to it. But the future (not knowing where he will be at "x" date) scares him, destabilizes him. Me. Nah. They have stores, food, and hospital anywhere I plan to go. That is good enough for me.

I have a friend who also grew up in a military family and moved a lot when he was growing up. He does love to travel and is adventurous but since moving to the DC area in high school he has put down roots here and remains here decades later even though his family has all moved farther south. He once told me that the closest thing he had to a childhood home was his grandparents' house. On the other hand, I grew up in the house that my father has lived in since he was 12. He's still living there at 80 years old. I was eager to move away for college, moved again for grad school and later moved to the DC area because I felt I needed a change in environment. But that was 19 years ago -- right now I have no desire to uproot again. If I do move to another part of the country at some point it will be so I can be closer to family.

One reason I don't want to move is that it took a long time for me to feel settled here with a good community of friends. I just don't want to have to start over. However I wouldn't mind setting up a second home someplace with warmer winters -- if only I had the money.

I had a neighbor here who moved to Mississippi a few years back to be closer to family. He didn't want to move, but was a single retiree who felt he would need to live near his family as he got older and would be less able to live independently due to possible health problems.

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Originally Posted by Helene2013

I, too, moved so much when I was up to 18 (going through different schools in same year) that I don't care much where I live, as long as I'm happy. My plan in 2-4 years is to become more of a nomad and do the motorhome life until I get bored of it. As for hubby, he never moved from day 1...until he moved in with me. And talking about changes is oh...so hard. He's more rooted than I am for sure. He knew when we met that one day I'd be on the go again. It is a either follow me...or I go by myself. Limited options but have some. :) I stood by him for 30 years now because of his parents (now both deceased - mine are too), and his job. But once retired in the next few years...it will be on my ground! I have nothing but our jobs keeping us here. So once the jobs are over and done with...rock my world!

I've been talking to him for years now as I have to get him "ready" for this move at retirement. Once he owns something, no matter what, it is hard to let go. Just to get him to sort out his stuff is something. Baby steps...true baby steps! I don't accumulate and don't get attached to anything. I'm here today, have that today, but who cares for tomorrow. Just sell and move on.

It will be interesting to see how we will be dealing with this. He agrees to it. But the future (not knowing where he will be at "x" date scares him, destabilizes him). Me. Nah. They have stores, food, and hospital anywhere I plan to go. That is good enough for me.

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I am not unlike your husband in this regard. Not so much afraid but heavily dependant on routine. Breaking my routine causes way too much stress for me. So it's something I need to prepare for -- when it is forced on me unexpectedly I don't deal well at all.

That is exactly him. If a routine is changed (and God I can be good at that ALL the time!) he is totally taken off guard and it can get messy. hihi He just does not understand how I can be like I am. He wished he could be like me (not a care in the world for stuff like that). He says this is what he loves about me: never a boring or dull moment. When I'm "quiet" is when I'm sick. I can change his weekend plan 2-3 times. So imagine if he had something in-line (like some house chores to do) and I tell him that I have this "brilliant" idea...and he has to shuffle stuff around...fun fun fun. haha In the end, he said my move was a better one. Sure... after all those discussions. You should have listened to me first. hihi

Rarely something important worries me (even losing a job, or needing to turn around quickly for something urgent, etc). Him....the end of the world just landed over his head!

NY, my wife is exactly the same. With this asthma thing I'd rather retire early and hit the road, travel to find a better place. That is WAY too much upheaval for her and it's stresses her unbelievably to even consider it. So if we have to go, it will be back to the hometown until she settles in and preps to retire, then I could very slowly introduce any possible change.

I've moved a lot, but I am kind of done. We might buy a second home, but I am basically not going anywhere, except to travel. I am OK when I can control the change and when I initiate it. I can even be fine when it's imposed by work or others, but I do have a breaking point, usually shows up by my stomach rebelling orother physical symptoms. I have no trouble changing plans for a weekend, etc., but I used to be somewhat inflexible. I do like routine, but nothing what Helene describes in her husband. And I can get rid of stuff with no problem. I don't hold attachments to "stuff," maybe more to places.

From age 12-42 I either lived or traveled in pretty much every part of the US. I even lived in Vancouver, BC back in '83 for about 6 months - it was interesting seeing my country from outside of my country. I've never regretted that and that was when people were moving to Canada from Hong Kong ahead of the British lease running out. Most of my moves were from just pure rebellion - especially in my teens and 20's. I was a hippie - or whatever we actually were in the '70's, I was a rolling stone. I didn't move so much in my 30's - but I made several large moves for both work and to get to where I could build a better life. Did I succeed at that? It depends on who answers the question but I think so.

Since coming to Indiana in 2000 for graduate school things have changed. Same job since 2012, though I seem to move to a new apartment every 4 years or so. Starting to get that itch again, now that I think about it, but will likely resist that itch as I like a lot of things about my current place. I don't have that much "stuff" and I always weed things further every time I move. I hate moving - as odd as that might sound. While there are many things I dislike about Indiana currently, and I doubt I would move here now if I weren't already here, there are things I like about my life here so I consider myself fortunate. If I did get a good job offer from location where different lifestyles and orientations were more welcome then I would go like a shot - but at my age I somehow don't see that happening.

My family moved around a lot when I was a kid, then we moved around a lot during my first marriage for the sake of employment, then after I was single, again, more moving for the sake of a job. As I approached retirement age, I began to wonder if I would ever really get the "I am home" feeling that so many of my friends and siblings claimed to have.

My mother, though, was born and raised in the north woods of Minnesota and during our summers, she always took us on a canoe trips and rented a cabin on a lake, not just for our sake, but because the north woods were home for her. That planted the seed in me, I guess, because when it came time for my husband and I to retire, he asked me where I wanted to live for the rest of my life and I wasted no time saying, the north woods.

I have that "I am home" feeling, now, for the first time in my life - long cold winters, bears, loons, mosquitoes and all. It's not for everyone, but with so many of us, up here, winter is a positive thing, something to enjoy, not something to be dreaded. Our home is on a quiet lake, one of 1100 lakes in our country. I can go canoeing, fishing, cross country skiing and more, any time I want, just by stepping out our back door. Crazy me, I just can't understand why anyone would live anywhere, else, now. Life is good, in our north woods.

I hope and pray all of you find your "I am at home" place, too.

Love some of these personal stories!

Drastic relocation from one city/region/climate area may need to be weighed against other drastic life changes caused by loss of partner / family member, etc.

Sure I spent lst 40 yrs. in 4 cities in southern Ontario -- before British Columbia, then Alberta. A significant life experience imprint on me, was the destabilizing, childhood phase of learning English starting in kindergarten. Extra ESL support continued for next 2 years for me. Though born in Canada, I never learned English until school. So in essence, I understand in my heart, intimately, what a non-English speaking immigrant feels like. The experience was nearly equal to moving to a different linguistic /country to live, where you are forced to learn to survive. No choice and it was a major upheaval.

"I am at home" place as north woods gal alludes to....to me, is feeling loved/accepted in a place/community where one feels safe, healthy with local possible avenues of more learning / exploration.

We moved 11 times before I turned 11. And I seem to have the gypsy gene in my blood. I have lived in over 15 different apartments since turning 21. I've moved away and returned to Seattle 4 times now; to and from Denver twice; all over California (as a travel nurse), and even lived in Australia for 6 months. While I love adventure and traveling, I can't help but think I keep moving to find happiness - and yet it still eludes me. I love the city of Seattle yet hate the traffic, especially now with Amazon taking over - it's become a nightmare to go anywhere during waking hours, and forget about house affordability. Once I'm done with school, I'd love to find a warm climate, or at least an area with a lot of sun. I'm thinking I may return to Colorado, although torn because I have many memories of being there with my ex and know it will be a difficult emotional transition; or maybe to California, although it's hard to imagine I'd find a place up to my standards and affordable for my salary. I'd love to be able to put down permanent roots somewhere - at least for longer than a couple of years.

I am glad that you started this thread. Ever since I read Pax's failed experiment I have been nervously questioning our retirement plans. Given a choice, my hubs would sell it all do the motor home thing. I need a home base. Unfortunately this will not be able to be our home base because of the property taxes. It is so expensive to live here that we are going to have to move. Even if we downsize, which we plan to do, we still would have outrageous taxes. I am not tied to "stuff", but I have lived and worked in the same town for over 20 years.

So in our summer travels for the past few years, we have been picking spots and going for a few weeks with the intention of "could I live here?" We need a lower cost of living and would like to be closer to the outdoor activities that we love, and drive long distances to do. I also want to be past of a community. I like knowing the folks at yoga class, or having a biking group.

We have spent lots of time out west, my Mom retired there. Love Colorado, but up in the mountains, again very expensive. We love east coast mountains, NY, and Maine, but I am not sure I want to live there. So this year we are heading to new territory, western NC and revisiting NH to spend some time in the Whites. I have high hopes for NC. If we like it we plan to start to travel there lots of the new few years and maybe rent long term before we make a jump.

It will be tough to leave here when the time comes only because I am comfortable here. My closest friends are spread all over and I know we will make new friends where ever we go. Most of the time it is just the two of us anyway. I only have one sibling left. DH has family, but is only close to one of his sibs. So we are not leaving kids and grandkids.

I love the Whites, but I hate NH, if you understand what I mean. The "Live Free or Die" mentality is real, and plays itself out in the lack of services and the constant refrain of "no new taxes." NH still does not have mandatory kindergarten. I always caution people to not overlook the political climate and culture of a place, because no amount of good weather or physical beauty can make up for that.
North Woods, you describe exactly how I feel about Massachusetts. I still remember how I felt when the plane landed, when I moved back here, after 23 years. Sure, a lot has changed since I was a kid, but it was the best thing we ever did. I always have a difficult time explaining why we left AZ; we both had terrific jobs, lived in a great city and had tons of friends. But, I knew it wasn't what I wanted. When a couple of my friends started flying to LA, to buy gold jewelry, something in me snapped. I am glad I lived in 3 other places, because it gives me a perspective that others don't have here. I hate when people complain about the weather (I'd take this over months of endless summer; boring) and like you North Woods, winter is something I embrace.

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Originally Posted by Crankin

I've moved a lot, but I am kind of done. We might buy a second home, but I am basically not going anywhere, except to travel. I am OK when I can control the change and when I initiate it. I can even be fine when it's imposed by work or others, but I do have a breaking point, usually shows up by my stomach rebelling orother physical symptoms. I have no trouble changing plans for a weekend, etc., but I used to be somewhat inflexible. I do like routine, but nothing what Helene describes in her husband. And I can get rid of stuff with no problem. I don't hold attachments to "stuff," maybe more to places.

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We moved a few times growing up (dad's work) and I have no desire to do that now as an adult OR to put my kids through that when I have them…changing schools was not always a great experience. Even as an adult it is still stressful to have to start over making friends etc. in a new place and now that I am settled here in a place that I like with a good job, my plan is to stick around. I am all for traveling and seeing new places and would like to do more of it, but feel much better having a consistent home base to return to. As far as changes in general, I feel much the same way as far as it being easier to handle it if it was my idea…and if it's not then I'd better be given plenty of warning!

Me too. Moving, even the twice-yearly move I do now (DH's choice, not mine), is a HUGE trigger for the instability of my childhood. The idea of "home" itself is a trigger, a heavily loaded concept my whole life. And the feeling of "coming home" - there's a song by a local band that tells the story of the singer driving back to Ohio, and with each verse, as he gets closer, he realizes more and more how homesick he's been, until by the time the song ends he's decided to come back permanently. One spring I was driving back home and that song came on just as I was crossing the border from West Virginia, and I very nearly had to pull over and bawl.

It's been a factor in some of my health-related choices, too. I know this life isn't permanent, no matter what I do, so the least disruption I can have for the longest amount of time, is the best I can ever hope for.

Thank you, all for sharing your stories. I can identify with something in each of them. Since this is a bike forum, I would also like to add that in all my traveling and living across the country, one coast to the other, though good times and some very bad times, my bicycling has been one of the few constants in my life. There were times when it was my only means of transportation, so very practical, of course, but bicycling has always been my therapy, especially when dealing with loneliness and other life issues. My friends used to accuse me of riding to keep one step ahead of my troubles and I suspect they were right. What is there about the movement and constant change of scenery and vistas while riding that so soothes the mind? I really don't know, but it has always worked for me and still very much does, even after all these years. May your riding bring you peace, as my riding has done for me.

I love the Whites, but I hate NH, if you understand what I mean. The "Live Free or Die" mentality is real, and plays itself out in the lack of services and the constant refrain of "no new taxes." NH still does not have mandatory kindergarten. I always caution people to not overlook the political climate and culture of a place, because no amount of good weather or physical beauty can make up for that


Fortunately we have traveled enough to know better than to make that mistake. I LOVE some spots up in the Adirondacks, but I could not live there due to lack of services. We currently live in a resort area, so I do not want to do that again either. Speaking of which, summer technically starts this weekend, here comes the bumper to bumper traffic!

Yeah, I remembered moving to the west, may, many years, ago, the idea being to head to the mountains to get away from it all and the crowds. Well, after driving all day on the Fourth weekend in the mountains of Idaho to find a campsite that had a vacancy, we ended up in a motel, instead. So much for getting away from it all. :)

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Originally Posted by rocknrollgirl

I love the Whites, but I hate NH, if you understand what I mean. The "Live Free or Die" mentality is real, and plays itself out in the lack of services and the constant refrain of "no new taxes." NH still does not have mandatory kindergarten. I always caution people to not overlook the political climate and culture of a place, because no amount of good weather or physical beauty can make up for that


Fortunately we have traveled enough to know better than to make that mistake. I LOVE some spots up in the Adirondacks, but I could not live there due to lack of services. We currently live in a resort area, so I do not want to do that again either. Speaking of which, summer technically starts this weekend, here comes the bumper to bumper traffic!

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ahhhh but you'll have quite a few less Canadians in the Mountains due to the high exchange rates in our $$$. :) So less traffic for you. hihi

We LOVE Vermont, NH and Maine and Mass... always vacation there. Well a lot. :)

I also love Vermont and Maine. Mostly Vermont. As a kid, all we did was go to the Cape every summer and my DH was kind of flabbergasted I had never been to VT, only been to NH because my dad owned a factory over the border from MA, and Maine once or twice because my dad's parents used to vacation in Ogunquit. I had never been to the Berkshires, either. My family stayed in place, until we moved to FL, then AZ. My parents ended up in San Diego, so they did travel somewhat within that state. They didn't have the $ to travel extensively then, but they could have when I was a kid. It just wasn't "done."
RnR, I also live in a tourist place. It's just an outer suburb,, semi-rural in spots, but because of the historical stuff that happened here, we get tons of tourists, from all over the world, from March-December. It was annoying before I moved to the condo, as I had to drive through the town center, near all of the historical sites, to go to work. Now that I live in West Concord, no tourists come here. It's too artsy and down to earth. We do get a few from the city coming to the village center (hey, I live in a town with 2 "downtowns"), but it's not the same as giant buses with tourists taking pictures of me on my bike! This is the thing that might stop me from buying a second home in Great Barrington. Although it feels like a Massachusetts town, with real people, there are tons of New Yorkers (apologies to those of you from NY) who have second homes there, or have moved there. It is not something I deal well with, probably ingrained from myf family, and I try to be non-judgmental. It's not like Stockbridge or Lenox, which may as well not be in MA. Time will tell...

Fascinating thread, and I've enjoyed reading all your stories.

I've made so many "drastic" changes in life over the past few decades that sometimes I think I've become addicted to change and moving. I'm not sure I could live a life where everything stayed the same for any great length of time any more. I get too fidgety and itchy. I guess it's a good thing we're nomadic! :D

DH in particular has no desire to settle down. I'm sure at some point, health issues or who knows what will drive us to settle down somewhere, but even though sometimes I long to have a base, be a part of a community again, and put down "roots", whenever I begin to do that anywhere, I balk. I am wondering if there's some commitment-phobia in this case, even though it's not to a person (DH and I have been married 31 years), but to a place?

Interesting thoughts....

When I left France for a year of schooling in Quebec my mother and I had a good conversation about the importance of looking at change as an internal journey/discovery as much as an external one. I’ve always remembered that long conversation when I’ve moved to a new area. Granted that has only been the Quebec move, to Paris for schooling after Quebec, to the U.S. for my University years, back to Paris for some of my post grad work and then to Ca. for my present job. From that though I’ve learned I can adapt easier to a new area by being in the present and taking lots of positive reflection time to think through how I am connecting to the people and environment around me. I’ve found taking time to be by myself, mindfulness meditation, journaling, yoga and solo bike rides etc. helps in feeling ‘at home’ especially in the beginning. I also use art objects made by me, made by friends, given to me by family and bought on traveling trips and the areas I’ve lived in to bring a feeling of continuance to a new place. In moving here my life has always been quite busy with my work, my volunteering, my photography passion, my exercise and friends new and old so that adjusting to Ca. was made easier through just that....and for me the social/political atmosphere is a nice bonus!

Personally I love the area I’m in now with the weather being usually 70 +/- 15 degrees year round….and all the completely different types of landscapes, diverse urban, ocean beach/coastlines, mediterranean ecosystem mountains and rural farming plains all within easy bicycling range. Plus desert solitude, coastal and mountain forests and the snow covered san gabriel/sierra nevada mountains all within a few hours of travel by car…..plus plus the richness of the diverse culture and the ethnic groups of a large urban area.

Through being both a French and American citizen and my trip travels I also know enough about different areas of the U.S. and the E.U. that with my education and work ethic I would be able to choose a new place to work and live with a reasonable expectation of enjoying the new area…especially with the early advice of my mother to be centered while looking at and experiencing the inner and outer journey of moving to a new home.

Now….a place like Oklahoma etc. could be a challenge for me but there is also being creative and for me that would be enjoying documenting even things I don’t appreciate through camera lenses and helping me to see them in a way that leads beyond my preconceptions about the world, its inhabitants, and myself.…..so I could even see some advantages of living even some place I didn’t like. I'm also thinking Emily_in_nc could to be on to something with the nomadic life :)

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Originally Posted by north woods gal

What is there about the movement and constant change of scenery and vistas while riding that so soothes the mind?

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That’s called neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine etc. :)...and yes the environment too for sure!!!!
I also see one of the neuroscience benefits of my bicycling as helping to increase my stress resistance….

rebeccaC, you are one of the most intelligently positive people I've ever "met". I really value it. Thanks. :)

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Originally Posted by salsabike

rebeccaC, you are one of the most intelligently positive people I've ever "met". I really value it. Thanks. :)

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as are you and i value that!!!!!

I've lived 2 places that I was not a good fit with. Why do that to yourself, when you have a choice? Obviously, I had no choice at age 15, moving to Miami, but I did choose to stay in AZ, after I caught up with my parents, after they moved there. It was fine for a long time, it was really having kids that made me question what kind of environment I wanted to bring them up in, what I wanted them exposed to (cities, not Sunbelt developments, woods, ocean, seasons, valuing education). There are other places I know I would be OK living in, but I for one, would never deliberately put myself in a Texas, Oklahoma, or a number of other places. I've felt the sting of anti-Semitism enough in the south and even in Phx in the 70s and 80s, to know that I'd rather not feel that "different" from most of the people around me. If I had to move to a place that was not a good fit because of economics, of course, I would try to make the best of it, and I know how to get connected to a community, but I wouldn't like it. My world in Tempe was very small, staying within the confines of friends from the JCC and work. I always felt like I was swimming against the tide in terms of my values. The district where I taught had a very large percentage of students and faculty from a very conservative religion. It may sound silly, but sometimes, this was difficult, as it wasn't like this was something that was only at home for the kids. It was kind of in your face. Myself and another colleague once wrote a letter to the director of special ed and the superintendent, outlining why it was not OK to say a prayer, in Jesus' name, at the special ed awards night. Or why my 5 year old son had to explain to the cashier at the grocery store why he didn't celebrate Christmas. So, things like this, while small and insignificant to some, add up. Micro aggressions. I totally understand how this affects people. It just got on my nerves.

Somewhat related: Children's social, academic functioning is impeded when their families move more often


I remember anti-Semitism in the neighborhood we lived in when I was in middle school, in the San Francisco bay area. And very frank racism in the Chicago suburb where I went to grade school. While there are definitely parts of the country where it's more acceptable to say certain things out loud in the 21st century (not necessarily where you'd think, either - I see more Confederate flags in Ohio than I do farther south), I don't think anywhere that isn't completely homogeneous is really safe from microaggressions.

And, my baby sister, who's if anything to the left of me politically, as well as needing much more of a cultural scene than I do - she loves Dallas. Lived there for a while, moved away, realized Dallas was where she wanted to be, came back, bought a house and established her business there. Unlike me, she isn't constitutionally moving-averse - she's lived in other English speaking countries and in several parts of the USA (as an adult) for long stretches, and traveled all over the world.

My dad spent most of his adult life running away from stuff. My mom uses a combination of denial and resilience to tell herself she's content wherever she is. [I haven't watched the second season of _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_ yet, but if you watched the first season, it really gave me an understanding of how so many people could find my mom charming, where all I could see was an incredible solipsism.] The combination has given me both the dysfunctional aversion to moving, and the commitment to making an honest assessment of what I like and don't like about something or somewhere before either embracing or discarding it.

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple? My wife would do anything to ensure my happiness and wellbeing, but it is at the expense of her own, and I want the best for her. Leaving Florida would be physically better for me, but she is thriving here, she gets to go running/walking outside to the beach year round, she loves all the sunshine, she is just happier here.... makes my heart hurt to think about taking her back to the grey skies and long winters.

Beyond the immediate concerns, I would love to be back in Chicago, back in the culture, diversity, and activity, but even though she was raised there, she finds the city overwhelming now (maybe because she's so introverted?). It's just difficult, after 26 years, to see how where we want to be can be so disparate.

Complicated yes. In a way. Because our views are opposite, but at same time they are about the same - even after 33 years it leads to good discussions. Good thing is we can come to a compromise with good reasoning.

Instead of moving back to Chicago and in order to still remain in a "warmer" climate in winter, could you find another city, state that could offer you a better air quality, and her, the warmth all year long. There must be somewhere in all those States that could do. It would be a good compromise. Personally, I'm am no fan of heat and humidity and I would never stay in a hot climate all year round. But if I could find better city/place than the brutal winters of Quebec, I certainly would move in a heartbeat (but because of his job right now---he's 26 years done and needs 28-30 to retire with pension) we have to wait some. I just cannot imagine myself staying in the province we are at retirement. For too many reasons (high taxes and expensive living costs due to taxes are tops).

Since I'm Canadian, I can't really reside full time in the USA (too complicated). So we will do 7 months there and 5 months elsewhere in Canada. At least at the beginning of our retirement. We'll see how things turn out along the year(s).

I can't tell for the culture, religion, etc as we don't see the debates or issues that we often seem to read on the other side of the border. Issues in Quebec are mostly related to "separation" from Canada but this is dying on its own with most young adults not as interested - and used to travel the world - to care about this part of politics. Maybe if I got stuck in all those things I valued, it may make it easier to stay or leave an area.

For my husband, I think he is more "afraid" of not finding enough French (he has good English but not as perfectly bilingual as me) in his new environment. Told him there are many places in Canada to find French, and even in good parts of the USA. Just need to do the good homework. :) I think that once I secure him with this, and where he will be landing in his future "homebase" he'll be 2 feet into the project. But true, it is not always easy in a couple when we are not on the same page for important things - or what is important to each of us.

Being half a couple works both ways, at least for some of us. Before I met my current husband, I was nearing retirement age and working in the Chicago area. My retirement plan" was little more than buying an old junker, pointing it west, and driving it till it fell apart and that spot would be my new home - as long as it wasn't in a big city (I'm a small town, country gal). Obviously not a brilliant retirement plan and had I not met my husband, shortly after, I might still be wandering around, looking for a place to call home. Why? I know myself well enough to admit that I am not a solo person. I need a companion on my journey though life and my partner is an integral part of what I regard as "home". I'm also a very open and flexible person, though, so it was easy enough for us to find a place we both could love.

On the other hand, I can see where it would be difficult if there is a difference in terms of where each half needs or wants.

Helene - an interesting thing about past choices influences future ones... we worked for the state of Illinois for so long our healthcare is attached to the plans they offer. We discovered recently that Florida refused free funding from the federal government to expand medicaid (healthcare for people with little money), since we will fall into that category when we retire we will be without affordable healthcare. By moving back to Illinois we will be in a wonderful healthcare system that is very affordable for us. So, no matter what, we'd be moving back in the next five years or so.

north woods gal - your retirement plan made me smile, mine was similar, only in a van. In many ways I'm very glad my beloved has slowed some of my wilder impulses. :D

We're so close as countries but yet so not the same.

Unless I am mistaking, our Canadian plan covers you no matter where you stay in Canada as it is a universal system paid through taxes. The new insurance takes effect 3 months after moving into the new province (for Ontario anyway). For instance, if I move from Quebec to Ontario, I get my new health card 3 months later, but still covered through my other province until then. It may mean that I might have to pay the doctor if I see him. But my Quebec plan will reimburse me until the new Ontario plan kicks in. Coverage varies from one province to the next.

In Quebec, most prescribed drugs are paid by government (no wonder our taxes are so high), if you have no work plan, etc. It has something like a deductible (not too sure how it works as I have a work plan and I don't use provincial one). But in Ontario, no drugs are covered at all. So I suppose someone has to make sure they have other insurance to cover this if needed (may be an Ontarian can confirm this).

Anyway, true that when you make some moves, you still have to do all the homework you can to avoid surprises. At least minimize it. And health is a biggie to think about.

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Originally Posted by Helene2013

We're so close as countries but yet so not the same.

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Coming from France the whole health care system in the U.S. actually bothered me in the way it works….especially with the better examples of universal health care systems and national health insurance programs in other countries, France in particular. I wish more Americans would be thinking about and working for something better for themselves and others. Always being under a universal plan I guess I don’t see the value in the insurance/ pharma profit part etc. etc. and the states that are so uncaring for political and or religious reasons.
….'so it goes' vonnegut

eta..then there is this way of finding a new home despite/through ‘urbanist scolds and bike share doctrinaires’ :)

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Originally Posted by Pax

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple? My wife would do anything to ensure my happiness and wellbeing, but it is at the expense of her own, and I want the best for her. Leaving Florida would be physically better for me, but she is thriving here, she gets to go running/walking outside to the beach year round, she loves all the sunshine, she is just happier here.... makes my heart hurt to think about taking her back to the grey skies and long winters.

Beyond the immediate concerns, I would love to be back in Chicago, back in the culture, diversity, and activity, but even though she was raised there, she finds the city overwhelming now (maybe because she's so introverted?). It's just difficult, after 26 years, to see how where we want to be can be so disparate.

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I can definitely see how being half of a couple could complicate matters, depending on the couple! I have seen couples where the partners have pretty much opposite preferences of what kind of place to live and am not sure how they work that out without it being a win/lose situation. Fortunately for me, my SO grew up in this area and doesn't feel a need to try living somewhere else…we also tend to have very similar preferences in a lot of things (we always joke that "great minds think alike"). I know people say that opposites attract, but I think that kind of a relationship would stress me out!

I definitely agree, Pax, that being half of a couple makes decisions on where to live harder! During our 31 years of marriage, we have moved quite a few times, and in most cases,, one of us was ever so slightly more gung-ho than the the other. And every lifestyle change/decision has been like that. Obviously we would never make these kinds of decisions unilaterally, but one person has to compromise his or her ideal choice more, perhaps.

If I were single, I am quite sure I would still be living in NC, not nomadic at all. I would not be brave enough to live this kind of lifestyle alone, plus I'd get too lonely if I didn't have a partner, since I'm introverted, so making new friends can be tough. With my DH, I always have one built-in bestie!

So, I am grateful to him because I think of how much I would have missed out on, so many amazing places and experiences, if he hadn't been driving these changes. Maybe your wife feels that way, Pax, and maybe she'll do just fine. As I mentioned in a previous post, when we moved to Florida, briefly, years ago, I loved it too, but I quickly adapted to life back in NC when we returned. And I was happy there too. I wish the same for your wife. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel your dilemma.

BTW, our healthcare is through the Obamacare exchanges in Florida, and we've found it to be fine for us. We have a low-cost Florida Blue plan as we're both too young for Medicare. But we didn't have the choice of a better plan in NC as neither of us qualified for a retiree medical plan (we worked for the same private company for years, and they finally declared bankruptcy), If we'd had something like you describe in IL, leaving would have been much more difficult, and we probably would never have done it.

I wish you peace with your decision, whatever it is.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Emily.

Sorry gals, didn't mean to derail the thread and make it about me. :o

I did a little half-fun, half-serious infographic about the 3 different Canadian regions where I've lived, worked and biked. :rolleyes: I know, I choose some weird facts. And yes, there is a fact for comparative cycling experiences.

A person can read a ton of info. about a region. But until one actually lives there for a few years, there are some things one has no clue if one is not at resident at all.
While it's romantic to believe that good people don't think about race, ethnicity of others, influences attitudes, initial impressions, it's not realistic. I'm not going to kid myself that I would enjoy at midlife or close to retirement, to live forever in Spain or Germany. My gut feeling is being non-white, non native Spanish/German, one needs to become quite linguistically fluent in the language to even come close to being accepted as a "local". Even then, one still may be viewed slightly as an outsider. That's still no guarantee of relating to people on a equal footing.

I love travelling abroad, but after a few wks., I like coming back to Canada....a country in spirit historically and now, is an immigrant based country that allows a person to start off fresh anew, a different life.

Being here in the prairies, feels at times, like being stuck in the middle ..of vast open nothingness. In Alberta, the politics, funding matters on infrastructure, health care ends up with only 2 major cities (Calgary, Edmonton) vs. rest of rural Alberta. There are 3 other much smaller cities under 100,000. Guess where change has been driven from to redesign Albertan communities, include more and better multi-modal transportation systems, social justice programs......from people who have relocated from other parts of Canada/other countries. There are only 2 universities in Alberta ... so different from Ontario where it's a powerhouse of knowledge capital (over 8 large universities), more diverse industries, more diverse cultural activities, etc. Just going cycle touring you have towns, cities closer together for more enjoyable, less exhausting trip planning in southern Ontario. (But still, it's absolutely not like some smaller European countries where towns are even closer.)

Am focusing on geography. It's amazing how a country's geography influences us so heavily for health, transportation, comfort...or even as physical barriers that creates at times unusual psychologically subtle fences. Living in British Columbia, it was easier to be lulled to think only of the Pacific coastal region....because there are several mountain ranges to cross to get to Alberta: Cascade, Monashee Mtns, Selkirk and then Rocky Mountains. It was just easier to forget about rest of Canada when living in British Columbia. It often stuns me when just flying between Vancouver and Calgary, just how much of Canada is sheer unhabitable wilderness.

Am here in prairies because of a job, like many people who relocated to our city in the past 15 yrs.: it's either for a job or education. It is not for retirement unless one already has family/close friends. My vacation benefit limits me from returning to Vancouver often. But I do it when I can ..and he comes over to enjoy prairie /Rocky Mtns., especially when Vancouver has its heavier rainy season in late fall and winter.

I enjoy living in a place with 4 distinct seasons-- even if winter anywhere in Canada means cold, some sloppy days. I do like some distinct drama in seasonal changes.

There is no doubt that geography and the land shapes and molds us. I spent most of my life on the prairies of the Dakotas and Nebraska and even though I dearly love our north woods of Wisconsin, where we live, now, I do miss my wide open spaces. I think you have to be raised there for it to really get in your blood, though if you live there long enough you can certainly appreciate it. If you're new to these vast landscapes, though, it can be intimidating and even unsettling. As kids, I remember cousins from Pennsylvania visiting us in North Dakota and they were genuinely terrified to be able to look miles in any direction without seeing a tree. Me, I loved it and still do.

When it came time to retire, I knew my husband would have a hard time adjusting to such vastness, since he spent his whole life east of the Mississippi. We compromised and headed to the north woods and are quite happy, here. Still, I am haunted by my prairie memories and long to see and feel the wind blowing over miles of grassland. :) Of course, that prairie wind was an ever present factor in my bicycling. Calm days were a rarity.

Ah yes. Wide open spaces. I officiated RAAM last year and it was my first time seeing lots of open space. There was a fire on the course in the AZ desert, and the headquarters folks asked me to find it (yes, in fact, drive towards a brush fire in the desert with high winds). I was on the phone with emergency dispatch. They kept asking me how far away the plume of smoke was, and I had to quite frankly say I couldn't tell. They pushed for an estimate, and I was about 20 miles off. So hard to tell distances out there.

I loved it, though. I prefer my large distances over water as opposed to land, though.

So many different geographic areas, they really do seem to distill into a preference or a comfort level for many of us as we age. Wide open spaces are absolutely a part of me; if I go to the beach often enough I can get my fix, but when I can't get there for a while I start feeling really claustrophobic, it's very closed in here with trees and vegetation... as soon as I get back to the prairie and can see for miles, I feel like my mind can rest and I can breathe again.