((((((((milkbone))))))))
nothing to add - just hugs -
Printable View
((((((((milkbone))))))))
nothing to add - just hugs -
I'm sorry Milkbone. That just sucks.... :(
((((milkbone))))
Hope you still managed a happy Mother's Day with your kids.
The other day I was trading "Saturn Return" stories with, of all people, my hairdresser. Details are not important, but we did agree that things do get better, eventually. Or you're able to handle them better.
Sorry your heart hurts so much right now.
Hugs & Peace --
{{{{{{milkbone}}}}}
I know how you are feeling. Been in those shoes myself. I sent you a PM becuase there are some details that I am not at liberty to really share with the rest of the world ;-)
Hang in there...we are all here for you!
Wow.. text message. No matter what the situation is, everyone deserves more than that. Perhaps a better explanation is coming when he can bring himself to talk about it reasonably.
In the meantime, you are in everyone's thoughts here. We've all been there at some point. Take care of yourself and your kids.. that is the important part. The rest will come around. I really am sorry you are having to go thru all of this.
Milkbone,
I certainly can relate to what you are going through at the moment. When I read your initial post I thought to myself "I know that guy." Your ex sounds a lot like my ex. After a year of counseling and help from some good friends I can now look back at my past relationship and know there were all kinds of problems with it. The end of your relationship is not your fault. Lean on your friends, journal your thoughts, find a good counselor, keep yourself busy, ride and ride some more, etc but whatever you do not beat yourself up over this.
Aren't you glad that a jerk like that is not going to have an influence over your kids anymore??
That's how little boys learn to be husbands, you know, watching the man in their mother's life. Expect nothing less than the best treatment for yourself; offer nothing less than the best treatment to your significant other; do all that for the good of your children. They're worth it.
Your pain will subside and you'll soon see how good life can be with the right partner.
Karen
Milkbone - as an X Firefighter's wife, boy does this sound like dejavu all over again. Any chance the Department has counselors that you could see? And if your BF says he's bored, have you asked what he'd like to do different? I don't know how busy his station is, my X literally did stand-up 24's (no sleep), which just wore him down. One of the things the counselor asked both of us was the status of our parent's marriages - both divorced. So we didn't exactly learn good examples.
Are there things you used to do together that you don't do now? Does the department have any kind of intramureal (sp?) team - volleyball, softball, basketball? That he can play, you and the kids go to the game and cheer? If he hasn't done this before, do any of the other guys in the station, and could they recruit him? If he's bored, he needs to try something different, with the family. Firefighters tend to internalize, for privacy reasons there are somethings they can't tell family, some they don't want to re-live. There's a reason firefighters, cops, and ER folks tend to socialize among themselves. It's a special life that the general public just doesn't get. Watching shows on TV really doesn't cover it. My X used to tell folks at non-Fire parties he was a quality control person at a burlap bag factory.
Which brings me back to talking to a Department counselor, if available. Might help you, and him.
Best wishes and big hugs
I am really sorry to learn of this recent turn of events. BE STRONG, for you, for your kids. Give yourselves time to cool off, and then try to talk about it like rational adults. Relationships are a two way street. We are hearing one side here, and to me its not about 'blame' or 'faults' its about two people figuring out if this relationship can be made to work better, for the people involved.
My now husband and I went through something very similar when we were about three years into our relationship. As Mr. Silver says back in his post, men and women often speak different love languages and my guy and I were talking different languages. It turns out on top of that that he has Asperger's, which explains a lot of his behavior at the time and his subsequent behavior. At the time I just thought he was stubborn and didn't love me. But he did and does love me, it just took some time and patience to figure it all out. Pressure from me helped little if at all - in fact, tears and "discussions" pushed him further away.
Guys like this are very much a challenge and not easy to deal with. If he makes motions to get back together and you are interested, keep in mind that he is an individual with his own head and oftentimes we can't know what's going on with our partners. We just have to have patience and faith.
Happy birthday to you... and hope all works out.
Geez, Milkbone, i'm so sorry. I like the department counselor idea. And do get on your bike. Yeah, saturn return. read about it. mine was tough too.
Man, I hate it when people say they're bored. Are you not capable of entertaining yourself, finding interesting things in yourself and life? You're sure not capable of much personal depth if you're bored that easily. It's not anyone's problem but yours if you're bored.
Note to self: overidentify much? :p
I am sorry this happened to you, Milkbone.
Boredom is an emotion. If a person is angry or sad, would you tell them to just get over it? I would appreciate it much if my SO didn't take it personally that I was bored, just like he shouldn't take it personally that I was sad. (Unless he did something to make me so, then he should be contrite, if necessary.)
Karen
I disagree that it's an emotion. I'll explain what I mean a bit. There's a big difference between "I'm angry at you" and "I'm bored with you." There's also big difference between "I'm bored with you" and "I'm bored" in general.
I think you can say that a household routine of cooking, cleaning, and looking after kids is boring as opposed to making it personal and saying "I'm bored with you in particular." The latter just seems mean and rude. I could never say to another person, "It bores me silly when you do x". It's pretty presumptuous and (to me) very different from "It makes me sad or angry when you do x."
Teawoman: I agree that saying "I'm bored with you" would be intentionally hurtful. However, there was only an "I'm bored" / "bored with the day to day routine" mention, though. And, in general, boredom is an affective/emotional state.
Milkbone: virtual hugs to you. I cannot add anything to what people have said already.
Ok, fair enough. Just more hugs to Milkbone!
Everyone thank you so much for your comments and hugs and words of wisom - I have read and considered them all (a few times) -
He just said he was bored, not bored with any one thing in particular - he didn't say he just said he was bored, and that we had a ground hog day routine, then he said that I say "I don't know" and "whatever" too much, he also said "Yes, I love you, I'm just bored" as he left....he won't talk to me and says all we do is argue, which isn't true - I attempt to talk and then he starts ranting and raving and won't calm down nor let me have a word in edge wise.
He's gone and I'm miserable and my boys are sad as well.
We began cycling (mtn and road) together, kayaking too we both love to read and going to Barnes and Noble - we bagan the cycling and kayaking together, neither was a hobby prior to "us". I'm a paramedic so I tend to understand the pressures and issues associated with emergency work, he works in a pretty slow dept with v. few major calls, I work for the county and is a 180 from where he works, I did some firefighting in my past too..
I had no idea he was having such big issues, he says he told me all the time he didn't like me saying "I don't know and whatever - which he did, but I didn't know it could/would lead to this, I thought it was like me telling him to wipe the water off from around the sink when he shaves in the morning - annoying but not a relationship killer.
I'm just devasted and tried to call upon my friends, and they have been there for me, just like you guys have been. One of my other guy friends told me it won't be hard for me to find someone else :) Thats not on my mind right now, but it was nice to hear.
Thanks again TE.
BIG HUG to you, Milkbone. This is not a very nice turn to the story, but perhaps you don't want to spend your life with a guy who breaks up over a text message, either...
I was thinking about your patio set over the past few hours... 'cause I've been intensively shopping for furniture with my husband for the past week. The other day we bought a "bed". A bed not from Ikea, that we did not have to assemble ourselves, that is very very high quality and will last us for years and years. Expensive, too. A "grown up" bed. I was a little shocked.
I know it may sound silly, but buying and setting up all those material things recently has got me thinking a lot about the relationship, too. I can tell you that if there was something that bothered me with our relationship right now, I would have been thinking about it, and buying furniture would have freaked me out.
Maybe your patio set-buying thing got your guy thinking... Buying any big-ticket item with another person can raise lots of questions, and it's quite different from going on spontaneous parties and adventures with your friends. Maybe he realized that he was not ready to be in that kind of relationship?
Anyway, this is a bit of an idle reflection now that it seems that the relationship is over. I just wanted to point out that the last few weeks might have meant two different things to the two of you... unfortunately.
Good luck!!
Just to add my hugs to the mix ... can't add advice 'cause you've had lots of good advice. Welp, except that you can't change the past.. but the future is yours... even though it might not be what you thought it would be.
Grog, I don't think so, good idea, but no - we bought a bedroom set about a year and a half ago, an entertainment center, and a used jeep cherrokee together....Quote:
Originally Posted by Grog
I'm confused. Grog mentioned he broke up over a text message???? He didn't do that... right?Quote:
Originally Posted by milkbone
I thought you just mentioned that he said he was bored.
You know, that's pretty bad. I think if a guy is bored... he's going to cheat... or find a way out of the relationship.Quote:
He just said he was bored, not bored with any one thing in particular - he didn't say he just said he was bored, and that we had a ground hog day routine,
I know it might not change much... but have you thought about doing somethings different to change up the routine of life? Go out to eat when you normally eat at home. Go to the movies. Book a hotel room. Go on a surprise vacation. Etc.
Also... and you don't have to answer this here... but just something to throw out... how's your sex life? Is it the same 'ol, same 'ol or do you try to spice it up some? Throw on some sexy lingere... a video... do a new move in the bedroom... etc? I know for some guys this won't matter. I know for my guy is does. I also know that if my man is happy in the bedroom, everything else is just gravy. But, that's just my man. Yours might be different. Just something to throw out there.
Good luck and know that 30 is not old and if things don't work out with him... you can find another. If things do work out, then that's great!
milkbone, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like and I know when it seems like things are a complete surprise.
I went through a failed marriage and even though I saw the signs if I looked hard enough, I was shocked when it happened. My ex is not a bad person but he had some difficulty communicating and we weren't at the same level at all. I was highly disappointed in the fact he wasn't more romantic and I wanted to put my definitions of what "love" is on him and then got upset when I felt unloved. I never stated WHAT I wanted, however. He would say if he wanted me to change something though I was so immersed in the fact he didn't love me (in my mind), I didn't listen to him. In my passive-aggressive way, I didn't do little things that would have made him happy. Things like pick up my shoes when I took them off :o It was a meltdown of the hugest proportions.
I know it's hard but it might be worth it to talk to him as a person and put expectations aside. My ex felt like a failure when he didn't know what I wanted and yet was in trouble for not providing it. You are right, some things shouldn't be deal-breakers so maybe there's something else going on. Sometimes depression can manifest itself as boredom or it could be any number of things. It sounds like he has really given a lot of himself to you and your children and maybe it's time for a "I love you so let's figure out what's going on" talk.
I have to appreciate all the earlier comments from married people whose DH's don't behave 100% on their birthdays (and those wives that do it too!). My DH (current DH) is the most wonderful person and he tries. I have to be blunt with him and he will surprise me though he admits he isn't good at it. I also had to laugh at Wahine's story about her DH. I LOVE birthdays but DH is pretty ambivalent about them. We've reached a middle ground on the whole thing but I could just say 'Happy Birthday' to him and he'd be good with it. If I ask him what he wants, he says he has everything he wants right now. I'm the one who wants surprises and presents and specialness :D
(((hugs))) Milkbone. Try to remember he's an imperfect person who appears to be communicating a bit poorly right now. It could be it's time for you to move on but it also could be that this could be a positive turning point in your relationship. Have you ever considered counseling? Would he do something like that at this point? Communication can be so difficult, especially when there are hurt feelings involved.
I suspect there are some deeper longterm relationship/communication issues going on here. If you really feel the relationship is breaking up and you deeply care about not wanting that to happen, then you need to get some professional counseling- either couple's counseling or just for yourself.
Don't get me wrong, people here are wonderful and always sympathetic and caring.... but bike forum advice is just not going to cut it. Perhaps he cares enough about the relationship to go with you. Learning better communication skills can make or break the situation here, and that takes counseling to learn properly. You would both learn a lot about yourselves AND each other- always a good thing.
A vacation together, flowers, spicing up your sex life, or a new hobby may help temporarily, but longterm solutions usually require deeper exploration of underlying causes. It takes two to make or break a relationship.
Milkbone, lots of hugs for you.
You have the right to be happy, to be with a man who loves you with all his heart and soul, who will remember your birthday even if it means he only has the money for a card and a single flower. Be strong, we are all here rooting for you.
I totally agree with the last two posts. Sometimes there are things going on that you don't see. Go to a counselor. You may be surprised at what you find out, about yourself, him and the dance you are currently in. It's possible you have patterns that need to be broken or you will play the same scenario out over and over for years. At least it will give you somewhere to start. Take care of YOU and those kids.
Milkbone- My hubby of 8 years and boyfriend of 3 before that has never done anything for mine. I just think that is the way some guys are wired. Oh sure, my husband will take me out to dinner, but that is only after I say, "So...what ARE we doing for my birthday?"
I have to press for that. I never forget his! We always gets a cool birthday from me.
Sorry about your b-day. But, hey, Happy Birthday from me!
Y'all -- from the sounds of it, milkbone and bf have already broken up. From the sounds of her posts, counseling, spicing up their sex life, whatever, are not in the cards...he broke up with her via text message, for goodness sakes! :(
All the suggestions you're making would have been helpful before it reached that point, but it sounds like now it is probably too late for anything other than hugs and support for milkbone.
milkbone, am I wrong? Do you think there's still any hope at all?
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ milkbone }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Emily
KSH, no he broke up with me via text message -
I appreciate all your support and concerns, it does take 2 and I didn't realize anything was wrong, he won't answer my questions about counseling, and as of tonight on the phone says he still loves me he is just bored, and unhappy, and whats to know how we can fix it, he seems like he is at a loss on how to fix it, and if we cant fix it why bother. I'm hoping he just needs to time to think and maybe we can work things out. I told him I love him and I want to work things out, I want to talk, I'm being good and doing my best to leave him alone and give him space and see what happens, but as I told him I can't promise him how I feel when or if he decides to come back, and he kept asking me what that means, and I just told him once he leaves that I can't promise him how I feel later on.
He has been there for my kids and I and has been wonderful man, and I at least thought I was showing my appreciation for him for that, I would always make it a point to thank him when he did something for them or me, whether it was picking them up at school, or helping them with a cub scout project, or cooking dinner I would thank him or tell him, "You are so good to those boys.....Thank you." Maybe I didn't speak his "language" I'm not sure, I'm not sure what else to do, but take it one day at a time, breathe deep, and ride.
I don't think there is too much else too say, I appreciate everyones time, concern, and hugs. You guys have helped me through your thoughts and words, I have felt all your hugs, and will be taking one step at a time, and move on.
Thanks again TE
((((((((((((((((TE)))))))))))))))
WOW! He did THAT? Oh that is rude. Beyond rude. Especially since you two are living together... you are... right?
Either way... it was completely uncalled for. What a coward. He can put out fires but he can't have the balls to call and talk to you?
You are a better woman than I. I would have told that man good ridden. You are a kind and loving soul to even take the time to consider working it out with him.
KSH - we have actually been living together for over 3 years. In a relationship for 2, we were close friends, and only friends, living in a roommate situation - Then after a month long discussion we finally decided to become a couple, we were very afraid of the consequences since we had since a great friendship, and we always thought we did the right thing for crossing that bridge. It tooks us about 3 weeks before we began the actual steps to "couple-dom"
I just hope in the end it works out for the best, all of my friends are jaw-dropped shocked about what happened and I keep getting the comment that everyone always thought we were that "perfect" or almost perfect happy couple. One of my other guy friends, thought we were playing a practical joke on him at first....
This too shall past, and hopefully I will be stronger for it.
That's my girl -- I'll give you an "A" for attitude - the right one. ;) Keep that chin up, girlfriend.Quote:
Originally Posted by milkbone
You sure have some awesome friends here....heck, you brought everyone out of the woodwork, supporting and trying to help you sort out why this dude is how he is (who knows about that one :rolleyes:). Amazing the human spirit in times of need, eh?
Take it easy,
Kim
My suggestion was for counseling. I never intended it for both of you. I meant for YOU! Find someone who isn't in his department and neutral. There is a reason for all of this and like Lisa said, you aren't going to get any answers here. There may be a bigger picture and deeper issues than what you are seeing. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. The signs were all there, believe me. Don't try to figure this out yourself and quit calling him. Take a breather and try to clear your head. The fact that you are discussing this here speaks volumes. You are reaching out. Find the answers with someone trained to help you find what's best for you.
milkbone...
So sorry to hear about all of this ... keep on riding (it helps to clear the head) and doing what you are doing. You are in a tough situation.
Sounds like communication is the key to this situation ... hopefully you guys will get a chance to chat one-on-one face-to-face so you can both lay your cards on the table. Be honest with yourself and him and you won't have any regrets.
Only you know what is right for you ... as you already know we are all here rooting for you!
Hugs!
milkbone, i'm so sorry you're suffering. :(
my only advice, and it might be hard to see the value in it right now, but just trust me: don't do anything untill you're in the best mental place you can be. don't talk to him or try to do anything untill you're feeling good yourself. feeling good means no defensiveness, no hurt, no expectations, etc. it might not seem possible to feel good given the circumstances, but it is. we all have more strength and love inside of us than we give ourselves credit for.
when you're calm and centered (and only when you're calm and centered), see what makes sense to you to do. but don't do or try anything while you're even remotely upset, because the upset will color any interaction with him in an unproductive way.
i know that might be hard because it probably seems really urgent to talk to him/figure things out. the urgency is a warning sign- it's telling you you're not nuetral/calm yet. and untill you're both neutral/calm you'll both keep seeing things the way you're currently seeing them- which will just bring up the same old problems. which isn't the way to a new solution.
sounds like your guy is probably stuck in a bit of a mental rut and isn't seeing anything new either. that would explain the boredom. but boredom is just a state of mind. it can shift, states of mind (as we all know, thank god) aren't permanent. otherwise we'd all be in the same mood all the time. but mental ruts seem permanent when we're in them- and they subsequently prevent us from learning, from happiness, from love. but happiness and love is always available. it doesn't go away, it just gets covered up by thinking/analyzing/expecting. sort of like clouds cover up the sun.
anyway, it sounds like you guys both unintentionally lost sight of your neutral good feelings for each other through a bit too much thinking/brooding (him) and/or analyzing/expecting (you?). so get in that good, nuetral, calm place and let your heart guide you. but your heart won't be able to guide you 'till your brain quiets down a bit.
i hope that makes sense, and i'll be pulling for you both. it's never too late. it is, however, sometimes too early. good luck.
here's some more free advice ;)
... "boredom" is a word a little bit like love. It is used in all kinds of different ways for different reasons.
When students are doing poorly in school they often say it's because they are "bored" - and sometimes it is because the work is too easy, and sometimes because it is too hard, and sometimes because it seems utterly irrelevant because other things take up all the mental space...or because everything is boring because that's what depression can feel like. It's rarely as simple as that the stuff needs to be made a little more interesting. So saying he's "bored" can mean just about anything.
Also pulling for you...
I'm so sorry to hear this. I read your first post and thought, Wow, I could have written that. My DH is very bad about birthdays and any other kind of special occasion. I feel like I am lucky sometimes to get even an acknowledgement of a special ocassion like a birthday or mothers day, much less a card or present. He has gotten better over the years but is still very bad. We have been together 24 years and that is one of my major complaints, but I learned a long time ago that it isn't because he doesn't care or love me. I try very hard not to take it personally because I know it isn't a reflection of how he feels.
What your guy has done is inexcusable to a degree, and I really couldn't blame you if you didn't let him come back. He needs to understand that although you love him, when people do things like this to hurt us, it causes us to put up defenses to protect ourselves. It causes a bit of mis-trust of feelings, and he will have to understand that it may take you a bit to let your guard back down.
He has broken down the trust not by cheating but by hurting you, and he needs to understand that you also will need time now that he has pushed it this far ecspecially without a reasonable explanation. I'm bored is not reasonable, nor is it a real explanation.
We tend to expect others to make us happy rather than take on that responsiblity ourselves, and he and you need to understand that our happiness and completeness for lack of a better word are our own responsibility.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent and sorry for the long post. I just feel so badly for you.
I think I would tell him next time he told me he's just bored, that he better be able to come up with something better than that if he expects you to ever trust him again, or will allow him to come back. You have a responsibility to your boys and he didn't hurt you alone when he pulled this stunt.
Ok, just figured I'd give everyone just one last quick update.
I'm doing better day by day, my friends are trying to keep me occupied and my spirits up, some times are better than others thats for sure.
I know most of you will say I'm crazy, but I still do hope to work it out with him in the long run, he is moving out as of now (and hasn't been here since last week). I did get to actually talk to him face-to-face today, he says he still loves me, and does miss me, he was just really unhappy. How he did everything still really hurts, and I'm still on the roller coaster of up's and down's. He was a really great guy to both me and my boys, and I just want that all back, I know how he did things was really messed up, maybe I'm way too nice, I don't know, but I still love the guy.
The most surprising thing of all is that he is suppossed to move into a house only one street away, literally the next street over in the subdivision, he said he's not sure yet, but pretty sure, he will sign a 12 month lease.
I live on a cul-de-sac so there should be no reason for him to just drive by, and I don't think that was his purpose anyway. Just figured thats what some of you might say, but I am a bit surprised on the location he picked, I would have figured he would've at least left the neighborhood area.
Anyway, I figure it's time to put this issue to rest, and I really do appreciate everyone's support and comments. I've read them all with interest.
This too shall past, and I shall be stronger for it. : )
As my Mom says, "I am woman, I am invincible!"
Thanks again TE! {{{{{{{{{{{TE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
thanks for the update.
Are you guys going to look into couple's counseling? A GOOD counselor is worth every penny you pay. I credit a very certain counselor with saving my marriage about 7 years ago.
I would love to, he won't answer my questions about counsleing or long-term...but it still says he loves me and misses me but just doesn't want to be unhappy any more...everything just did such a 180 in only a few days timeQuote:
Originally Posted by Irulan
I just don't get it...
You know, we never know what we have until we lose it. Maybe he will realize that in time. Maybe you will still be willing to work on things if that time comes and maybe you won't. If you still want to make things work and love this man, then it is totally irrelevant what anyone else thinks.
You go for it, if the time comes, no one has to live your life but you.