Girls, I need your help! Emergency...

Just read all the posts.
No offense, but the responses are telling you "no" don't go there.
But you really wanted to hear "yes" (at least I get that by your 2 replies to the responses)--and that is not what you are hearing.
So you might have to go w/ your gut and what you want to do. Not that I would encourage it. But I am not sure you wanted advice as much as support to "go for it" and meet up and share your feelings.
So you have to make the decision--and whatever that is you cannot later go "would of, could of, should of". It is what it is.
Good luck to you and your ex--whatever you decide.

Let me offer a differing opinion. When I was due to marry my now husband, I had more than one conversation with past loves. It seemed like when I'd finally found the right guy and made my commitment, all the others came out of the woodwork with 'what could have beens'. I enjoyed all that communication and I enjoyed knowing the 'reasons' behind things. It all just served to confirm that I was making the right choice and it just futhered my commitment to my future husband.

While you sent her a text, she was the one to reach out to you. Honestly, if she is really as strongly committed in her new relationship as she should be at this early, ideal, romantic stage, then contact from an ex should have no bearing on her future.

I think you should go ahead and talk with her. I don't know that I'd go so far as seeing her just yet, but I think that a conversation is fine. Honestly, she deserves to know the truth. It may give her closure and allow her to feel even better about her new future. If it doesn't do that, honestly...then her new future is probably doomed anyway.

Just be prepared for the fact that you may bare your soul to her, she may cry a lot...but when it comes right down to it, she may very likely go ahead with her plans to marry this guy with all the love and commitment in her heart. Are you prepared for that rejection and to have those old wounds opened up? If not, then just say your goodbyes and move on now. Do not go into this meeting thinking that you are going to get her back and that all the angels will be singing of your love for each other. That may not be the case and you need to be prepared for that...

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Originally Posted by katluvr

Just read all the posts.
No offense, but the responses are telling you "no" don't go there.
But you really wanted to hear "yes" (at least I get that by your 2 replies to the responses)--and that is not what you are hearing.
So you might have to go w/ your gut and what you want to do. Not that I would encourage it. But I am not sure you wanted advice as much as support to "go for it" and meet up and share your feelings.
So you have to make the decision--and whatever that is you cannot later go "would of, could of, should of". It is what it is.
Good luck to you and your ex--whatever you decide.

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oh yeah...i definitely wanted to hear 'yeah, let her know' type of response. not that it's the correct answer...and not that i would be 100% of my course of action if i got that sort of feedback. but at least i'd know i'm not totally retarded for wanting to say and do things that i should have done years back.

right now...i just feel retarded for wanting to...be selfish and just let it all out.

Hi celerystalksme,

take heart to what KSH had to say.

And remember too that our memory is very selective. Whether you like it not, you will forget the bad experience or events and only remember the good and enjoyable experience. Sure you'll still remember the bad, but time will temper it so it wont be so bad.

You decided with your head to end it. So use your head again and move on. Don't let your heart get in the way of her life and her fiance.

Let memories be memories. And you need to move on too. Find yourself new love.

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Well just saw your post. Okay so you made a dumb move. Don't make another really dumb move and break her engagement to the "man of her dreams". You don't need to put a wedge between her and her fiance. A question mark in their relationship.

You need to let go. and really mean LET GO!! You need to find yourself a new GF. Do something that will take your mind off of her.

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Originally Posted by GLC1968

Let me offer a differing opinion. When I was due to marry my now husband, I had more than one conversation with past loves. It seemed like when I'd finally found the right guy and made my commitment, all the others came out of the woodwork with 'what could have beens'. I enjoyed all that communication and I enjoyed knowing the 'reasons' behind things. It all just served to confirm that I was making the right choice and it just futhered my commitment to my future husband.

While you sent her a text, she was the one to reach out to you. Honestly, if she is really as strongly committed in her new relationship as she should be at this early, ideal, romantic stage, then contact from an ex should have no bearing on her future.

I think you should go ahead and talk with her. I don't know that I'd go so far as seeing her just yet, but I think that a conversation is fine. Honestly, she deserves to know the truth. It may give her closure and allow her to feel even better about her new future. If it doesn't do that, honestly...then her new future is probably doomed anyway.

Just be prepared for the fact that you may bare your soul to her, she may cry a lot...but when it comes right down to it, she may very likely go ahead with her plans to marry this guy with all the love and commitment in her heart. Are you prepared for that rejection and to have those old wounds opened up? If not, then just say your goodbyes and move on now. Do not go into this meeting thinking that you are going to get her back and that all the angels will be singing of your love for each other. That may not be the case and you need to be prepared for that...

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actually, i've played it out in my head a zillion times last night and in my dreams. to be honest, the only conclusion i can realistically envision is me baring my soul...her baring her soul...and her going forth in her new direction, with a man that to be honest probably deserves her more than myself. and then i just shrivel up and die in a hole.

and despite that, my desire is to lay it all out on the table...why things went the way they did, what i was thinking, why i made the decision that i did, the regret and sorrow i still hold, etc.

i do love her still. and yeah, maybe in some crazy dream world, we'd get back together live out our lives with each other. but really...maybe what i'd like is some closure as well, if nothing more.

i don't know. i guess...i mean, honestly...i mean, of course i'd like to be happy, and i feel like i gave up happiness when i ended our relationship...but i genuinely honestly don't care if i hurt as long as she's found peace. if we both say our peace and she chooses her new life, i'll experience heartbreak all over again...and that's ok! believe it not, there will be part of me overjoyed for her, that she's been able to find someone so special. but i definitely would prefer that we both said all we want to say. and i guess...i hope that's not really as selfish as it seems to me sometimes.

ugh...

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Originally Posted by smilingcat

Hi celerystalksme,

take heart to what KSH had to say.

And remember too that our memory is very selective. Whether you like it not, you will forget the bad experience or events and only remember the good and enjoyable experience. Sure you'll still remember the bad, but time will temper it so it wont be so bad.

You decided with your head to end it. So use your head again and move on. Don't let your heart get in the way of her life and her fiance.

Let memories be memories. And you need to move on too. Find yourself new love.

-----

Well just saw your post. Okay so you made a dumb move. Don't make another really dumb move and break her engagement to the "man of her dreams". You don't need to put a wedge between her and her fiance. A question mark in their relationship.

You need to let go. and really mean LET GO!! You need to find yourself a new GF. Do something that will take your mind off of her.

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phtt...if only it were so easy...

i've been in and out of a few relationships since. i've never had problems moving on from ended relationships before...because in the end, the relationships in the past really did have real problems. but this one...this girl...it had lasting power...and if i had gone with my heart, this one would have made it the distance.

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Originally Posted by celerystalksme

oh yeah...i definitely wanted to hear 'yeah, let her know' type of response. not that it's the correct answer...and not that i would be 100% of my course of action if i got that sort of feedback.

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Your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. I don't doubt you are a wonderful guy, but you probably don't have the power to destroy this woman's life and upcoming nuptials. Women no longer live that way (if they ever did).

If her commitment to her intended is so fragile that a chat with a former lover could disrupt the wedding plans, then that marriage shouldn't take place.

Just give the woman a call if you want, see where it leads, and don't make it into a Great Big Drama. Expressing and exploring the emotions involved will probably do both of you a world of good.

Pam

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Originally Posted by PamNY

Your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. I don't doubt you are a wonderful guy, but you probably don't have the power to destroy this woman's life and upcoming nuptials. Women no longer live that way (if they ever did).

If her commitment to her intended is so fragile that a chat with a former lover could disrupt the wedding plans, then that marriage shouldn't take place.

Just give the woman a call if you want, see where it leads, and don't make it into a Great Big Drama. Expressing and exploring the emotions involved will probably do both of you a world of good.

Pam

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it sounds so calm and sensible when you put it all the way you did! lol

i think it might turn into a drama fest though. i mean...she was crying in her voicemail to me. and i turned on the waterworks just listening to her crying. it's going to difficult...for my part, i just have so much regret and sorrow. for her...i don't know...maybe thinking back brings back how much she hurt at the time.

In my experience, "closure" is usually overrated--at least the kind of closure that we think the other person in a relationship can provide. The only "closure" that has actually benefitted me is the kind I've provided myself. No one else can really help you accept the past and move on. That has to come from within. Even when I've gotten the answers I thought I needed, I learned that they didn't really ease my pain.

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Originally Posted by indysteel

In my experience, "closure" is usually overrated--at least the kind of closure that we think the other person in a relationship can provide. The only "closure" that has actually benefitted me is the kind I've provided myself. No one else can really help you accept the past and move on. That has to come from within. Even when I've gotten the answers I thought I needed, I learned that they didn't really ease my pain.

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Yeah, I hestitated to use the word 'closure' because of all the stereotypes surrounding it.

But honestly, getting it off your chest (and letting her get it off hers) can do a world of good. Even if it's messy at first.

Personally, I'm of the mind that holding back and keeping secrets is where relationship 'baggage' comes from. I don't have any. Of course, I also didn't marry for the first time until I was 35, so maybe that's not the right way of going about things. ;)

I know you say it's a long story, but why exactly did you break up? What were the circumstances surrounding that? I think it's VERY important to what you are about to do...

I am married to someone who waited me out through an extended breakup of my making - the reasons for the breakup were vague and "unclosed" and after two years neither one of us could stand it anymore and got back together. It was disruptive to several people. It was not pretty. But it was worth it. I thank my lucky stars every day that I went to meet up with him.

So yeah.
It can go either way... but think carefully about your motivation. What do you want? What happened during the breakup? What do you think she wants? If she wants something you don't, then I would close that door hard.

I'll be the opposition here. If her relationship is solid and exactly what she wants, she'll let you know. What if she's just settling? Life's too short to wonder "what if?" I say state your feelings - she can either politely thank you and move on, or decide to change her life - perhaps to make herself happier too. Follow your heart.

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Originally Posted by GLC1968

Yeah, I hestitated to use the word 'closure' because of all the stereotypes surrounding it.

But honestly, getting it off your chest (and letting her get it off hers) can do a world of good. Even if it's messy at first.

Personally, I'm of the mind that holding back and keeping secrets is where relationship 'baggage' comes from. I don't have any. Of course, I also didn't marry for the first time until I was 35, so maybe that's not the right way of going about things. ;)

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Well, I used the word closure because he did. It's normally a concept I try to avoid. My point, however, was to suggest that closure is different from acceptance and that it's acceptance, really, that allows us to move on. So, if talking to her will help the OP better accept something about this situation, then great. Otherwise, I think "getting closure" could just contribute to his grief.

Granted, I actually don't think he's looking for closure, as much as he's looking for an opening. And who knows, maybe they really are meant to be. But if he cares about her and cares about making sure the second time around is more successful, then he better be prepared for some fall out. At best, his ex is feeling VERY conflicted, so it likely won't be smooth sailing.

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Originally Posted by indigoiis

I know you say it's a long story, but why exactly did you break up? What were the circumstances surrounding that? I think it's VERY important to what you are about to do...

I am married to someone who waited me out through an extended breakup of my making - the reasons for the breakup were vague and "unclosed" and after two years neither one of us could stand it anymore and got back together. It was disruptive to several people. It was not pretty. But it was worth it. I thank my lucky stars every day that I went to meet up with him.

So yeah.
It can go either way... but think carefully about your motivation. What do you want? What happened during the breakup? What do you think she wants? If she wants something you don't, then I would close that door hard.

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I'd rather not say why I ended our relationship. I mean...she doesn't even know the real reason yet...and it's something I'm pretty ashamed of. If you're still curious, I'm more likely to spill the beans after whatever should happen later today.

What do I want? In my dream scenario...we'd get back together, I'd work to redeem myself in her eyes and in the eyes of her family and friends...and we'd live out our lives together.

What will most likely happen? I have no clue...but probably one of these...
1) I bare my soul...she bares hers...and she goes on with her life as planned without me as any part of her life whatsoever.
2) I bare my soul...she doesn't have anything to bare, and the voicemail was a momentary nothing...she internally thinks I'm pathetic...and she goes on her way.
3) I play it close to the vest...wish her the best...chit chat, maybe catch-up. I try to bury everything inside me for however long. And whatever she had for me left in her dies or was never really there to begin with. And she goes on her way.

What do I think she wants? I have ZERO clue. Why finally return one of my correspondences? Why finally the desire to lend clarity to our separation? What was the source of the emotion and tears? I don't know. Maybe nothing. Probably nothing. But maybe something...?

Hope is a terrible thing...

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Originally Posted by indysteel

Well, I used the word closure because he did. It's normally a concept I try to avoid. My point, however, was to suggest that closure is different from acceptance and that it's acceptance, really, that allows us to move on. So, if talking to her will help the OP better accept something about this situation, then great. Otherwise, I think "getting closure" could just contribute to his grief.

Granted, I actually don't think he's looking for closure, as much as he's looking for an opening. And who knows, maybe they really are meant to be. But if he cares about her and cares about making sure the second time around is more successful, then he better be prepared for some fall out. At best, his ex is feeling VERY conflicted, so it likely won't be smooth sailing.

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I agree 100%.

I'm also a romantic, so I can't help but hope that their love was destined to be and that figuring this out now instead of 20 years down the road is worth the bumpy road it could be creating. :) Yes, someone could get hurt, but you can't live your life trying to avoid getting hurt because then you miss out on all the BIG things. At least...in my humble opinion.