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Congratulations on your solo. Good for you for trying new things. Your DH is like mine. In fact he can say something to me and a girlfriend say the same thing, just in different tone, and I take it much better from someone else.Quote:
Originally Posted by rij73
He thinks constructive criticism is the way to motivate someone and it doesn't work for me.
I hope you have many more rides like this one that you enjoy immensely.
First off:
YOUR BIKE IS NOT WASTED ON YOU
(. . . if you like it and it makes you smile.)
Secondly:
If my DH had said any of those insensitive things I'm reading on this thread, he'd be my ex-DH. Fer Pete's sake! (sputter, sputter, cuss, snort)
{deep breath}
More calmly - if you are riding and enjoying yourself, there is no problem. It's OK not to be the fastest, or even the 100th fastest bike on the road, so long as there is a smile on your face. If the bike doesn't make you smile, then You are wasted on It. Life is too short to ride a bike you don't love - at whatever speed.
Please don't forget that.
My DH is exactly the same way. He says things that really hurt my feelings. Like we will be out on a nice ride and he will have to make the comment that we only did 16 miles. Only? Come on? He also mentions how I tell him that I average 17 mph on my solo rides and how come I dont when im with him. Like he doesnt believe me or something. Hello?? Check my computer. It doesnt fib. Well last night I was at the point that I didnt really even want to ride with him because I new he wanted to ride fast and go for a longish ride. Well I finally psyched myself up and out we went. I rode as hard as I could and stayed in the front. There were actually a few times that I looked back and he was Waaayyyyyy back. YEAH! I pushed myself so hard and it actually felt good. This morning he actually called me from work to let me know that the back of his legs were really bothering him. Hes probably coming down with something because he usually kicks my butt everytime out. I was just in a zone last night. I probably wont do that again for awhile but it felt really good.
I'm just curious, by the way, ... how is it that your "road bike is wasted on you with your average speed"? What does that mean, really? Cause I thought road bikes were for the road and I'm pretty sure you're riding on the road. And where's the Road Bike Rule Book of the Universe that says what speed a road bike should be going to be used most appropriately? I don't want to be useless on my road bike, so I should find out what speed I should be going to make it not wasteful. For all I know I'm wasting my bike on me and never even knew it! :confused: How depressing!!!
Don't listen to him. It's weird with guys. They are simply built stronger than women and, therefore, have a different mentality. I was getting irritated when dh and I were watching the women's olympic mountain bike race. He was commenting on how they don't even hardly get out of their saddle (at least from what we could tell from what they showed) and how they should totally be able to go faster. Then we watched the guy's race and he said, "Look at the leader! See how he gets out of his saddle?!" As if there is only one way to effectively ride. I'm pretty sure the women at the olympics know a thing or two about racing on a mountain bike. They're just built differently and different strategies of riding work for them. I don't get out of my saddle as often as he does because I don't have the insane quad strength that he does as a guy. Guys have bigger muscles and can do more with them. That's all there is to it.
Even if you compare yourself to other women, everyone is at a different level. I have ridden with some really fast women that I was totally jealous of, passing me on hills like I'm standing still. And I've ridden with women who were much slower than me. There are all levels out there and all deserve to riding a bike, EVEN A ROAD BIKE, if they so choose!
Okay, off my soap box now! Thank you very much. :)
Yes... I agree with what everyone is saying. Again, DH is a great guy, but it's just that a lot of men have a very different idea of what is motivating vs. what is hurtful. He really is clueless about it.
The thing about the bike being wasted on me... well, those weren't exactly his words. What he said was that if I wasn't going to push the bike to the performance level it was designed for, that we could have bought me more of a touring bike... something less expensive too. My bike is a real race bike: light, carbon fiber, pretty aggressive geometry, decent parts package, etc.
But, you see, I'm a sucker for quality and looks, and I absolutely adore my frame. I don't think I would have necessarily fallen in love with biking with a different kind of bike. And also, if I'm slow now, wouldn't I be even slower on a heavier, more upright bike???
Therefore, I'm not letting his point of view get in my head anymore. He doesn't put me down intentionally, but I often take it that way. That is something I have complete control over and should be able to fix.
It helps to remind myself that he and I come from *completely* different backgrounds. He was athletic, outdoorsy, and popular while I was bookish, sedentary, and decidedly unpopular. Hence, he is still more talented when it comes to athletic endeavors. I, however, speak two foreign languages, am a professional classical musician, know a lot about literature, and am better with all things intellectual (like computers and math). These are the things I remind myself of when I am feeling a little down. I've always had a complex, though, about this kind of thing. It comes from *years* of ridicule in school. Kids can be cruel, and I heard it all...
There you go, ladies of TE! I know you all wanted so much insight into the inner workings of rij73's psychology. :p
LOL Jiffer! Well put. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Jiffer
rij73 wrote: It helps to remind myself that he and I come from *completely* different backgrounds. He was athletic, outdoorsy, and popular while I was bookish, sedentary, and decidedly unpopular.
It must be SOO much fun to go to highschool reunions, you with your popular jock husband, all strong and healthy from riding your bike....A real stick in the eye to those mean kids.
I listen to all of you that are married talk about riding with your hubbies and how hard they are on you and think that THIS is why women and men don't compete head-to-head in most athletic competitions. They are different than we are, and we shoudl not guage ourselves based on their abilities.
Barbara
Congratulations, rij73, on completing your first (of many) solo rides. Isn't it incredibly liberating to accomplish something that was terrifying? Funny how we can build things up in our minds to the point of terror, only to discover that it really wasn't so bad after all. The power of the mind!
We have a somewhat similar situation. I've discovered that my DH doesn't enjoy cycling nearly as much as I do. I've discovered that I don't enjoy kayaking as much as he does....So often on a weekend, we'll put together a picnic lunch, he will drive to a lake to go kayaking (and taking our lunch) and I will ride there. We'll have lunch together, he drives home and I ride home. Everyone's happy!Quote:
Originally Posted by rij73
What about trying something like that - a different way to enjoy the sport together?
I've been reading this thread with interest because I can relate so well to a lot of what you all are saying about your husbands.
My mountain-biking fanatic boyfriend (we live together and might as well be married) and I ride together sometimes and I have a lot of the same mental issues with feeling inadequate about my riding abilities.
He rides by himself or with others during the week and then we will usually ride together one day on the weekend (the only time I ride at all). When he rides with me, he calls it his "spinning day" or "easy ride day" and tells me he has to take it easy sometimes. And I'm usually dying and thinking the ride is very very difficult for me. He'll say things like "I've been in my middle ring all day" while I'm gagging up a hill in my granny gear that just make me want to scream. I take it as criticism and he says he's just stating a fact. I know he means well, but he doesn't understand how that makes me feel. And yes, I know it is because he is in better shape, but that doesn't make it feel any better.
Last weekend when I slipped off my pedal and banged it into my shin, yelling out a few four letter words in the process, his reaction was to say "let's just turn around and go home." Made me feel like he didn't want to ride with me because I am such a terrible rider that I can't manage to not get hurt. I am a bit stubborn so I just said no and took off up the trail without him (until I had to stop to catch my breath and he coasted up next to me).
He built a nice bike for me with expensive components thinking it would help me ride better. He has asked me multiple times if I just want to give up the nice mountain bike and get a cheap bike to ride on pavement. I don't want to ride alone, and I probably wouldn't ride around the neighborhood by myself, so I don't want another cheap bike. If I don't ride with him on his "easy spin day" he will go ride with someone else. He doesn't have much interest in doing anything with his free time other than mountain biking.
I know he was hoping to end up with someone that is as into riding as he is, and I just haven't gotten very good at it. He tried really hard to teach me and turn me into a mountain biker, but I have not taken to it very well and haven't progressed past a certain basic level. It doesn't seem to bother him as much as it bothers me, though. I see it as the only way we will ever go anywhere or do anything out of the house together so I keep going, even when I don't really want to.
I mentioned once about how women are built differently and ride differently and have differences with lung capacity and he said that was just excuses and that he has met plenty of women who can kick his a** on a mountain bike. Which I take as him telling me I should be able to get there too.
You all have suggested I ride with other women or ride alone to get better, but I just don't have enough motivation to really pursue that side of it. I talked to him about riding alone one day when he was going to literally climb a mountain with his friends but he didn't want me to. He was afraid I'd get hurt and didn't see the point in me driving 45 miles to do an easy 3 mile loop that I like. It also came down to me not being able to get my bike on my roof rack, which I mentioned before. I actually tried to lift it up there, but I'm way too short and can't reach.
Anyway, just venting, at least my BF isn't the only one who can be a bit insensitive at times. :p
I can see both sides of the issue of men and women being 'different'.
That's not always a bad thing. If we think they are insensitive, they probably think we are overly sensitive and take things too personally. Men tend to speak more directly without first analyzing the various possible effects it might have on us. In turn, we tend to take everything to heart and feel hurt when perhaps we'd feel healthier just not taking some comments seriously.
Yes, they 'should' be more sensitive and encouraging. And yes, we 'should' be less sensitive and more self confident. We all just fumble along as best we can, and we're lucky in this world when we can say we have 'loved ones' at all. :o
This puts it in perspective pretty nicely I think. :)Quote:
I didn't mean to make DH sound so ogre-like. He really is a great guy. He just has funny ideas about how to motivate me. My self-esteem is a little fragile, and he doesn't really know what to say to keep me going. He's the type who responds to criticism by trying harder. I need more positive input than he does.
First of all, I think it's awesome that you and I BOTH found the courage to solo-ride this week. Yay for us!
Quote:
Originally Posted by rij73
Exactly the same for me and DH. He's athletic and outdoorsy and I've discovered my bike doesn't give a damn that I have a PhD!
But everytime I push those pedals I keep thinking I'm doing more than the folks sitting home on the couch. And little by little progress is being made. Admittedly, my bike is *way* cooler than me - but one day I'll turn that around!
Deb
My husband use to ride with me when I rode my single, but I was so slow, that on hills he would literally ride circles around me. He would ride up the hill come back down and pass me again. He never criticized me about my slow riding but I could tell he really didn't enjoy going so slow. We decided to get a tandem and his first thought was that we would be able to go really fast on it since he wouldn't have to worry about leaving me behind. When he first starting doing that, it scared me so much I didn't want to go anymore. Finally something clicked in his head and he decided that he better make the tandem rides my speed, otherwise he might as well sell it. Now he does his single rides alone and I do mine alone or with my friends who ride my speed. The tandem is our recreational ride (my speed) and he knows it and now enjoys it. He has the best of both worlds, he can race on his single and enjoy my company on the tandem. Funny how things turn out. :D
Hey, I'm in central CT. Maybe we can get together and go for a slow ride together! My hubby doesn't ride so I am always riding by myself. It would be fun to have someone to go out with sometime.