dealing with breakup fallout

[badger]

I'm kind of reaching the end of my patience/rope, so I wondered if anyone can give me some sound advice.

I had been in a long-term long-distance relationship for the past 7.5 years. I felt that it wasn't a healthy relationship and I had been unhappy for the past couple of years. I knew I didn't want to be in it anymore but had no idea how to get out of it.

I went away for a weekend a few weeks ago and it finally became very clear to me that I needed to end it, so later that week I broke up with him. The problem is, I never anticipated him to be taking this SO hard. He's beside himself with grief and is calling me, emailing me, and texting me with the same sort of "I love you so much, you're my everything and I don't know how to go on with my life".

I initially ignored him, but it was getting ridiculous in the amount of texts/phone calls, so I finally said I'll see him on skype. He begged me to not push him out of my life and to please "help him heal" by not ignoring him. I've tried this, but I'm afraid all it's doing is giving him hope or no chance to get over me.

Me, I'm doing great, never felt better! it's like a whole weight's been lifted and I am truly happy, happier than I've ever been in my life. I will NEVER go back to him, and I think he's understanding that now, but I really need for him to try and move on. Any suggestions?

[bmccasland]

Badger,
Oy vey. I've been there. You are responsible for your own happiness, not his. If he's having this much trouble, being clingy, then I suggest that he gets professional help - from a counselor, clergyperson, someone.

So, to get this message across, if / when he contacts you, let him know that he seems to be taking it awfully hard, and that he sould get outside professional help. Don't appologize! Either send him a short email, or talk, briefly, on the phone one last time. Then don't open any more emails, un-friend him if you share social media, and don't answer phone calls.

I repeat, you are responsible for your happiness, you are not responsible for his.

I'm assuming that since you're geographically separated, you don't have assets to separate. If you do, that's what lawyers get paid for.

[indysteel]

Ugh. First of all, congratulations on taking this step. It sounds like it was a long time coming and something you needed to do. Second, my suggestion is to lay some very firm boundaries ASAP. The biggest boundary being that you need him to stop contacting you in any manner. You can be loving and kind but you need to be firm. Something akin to "From today forward, I will not answer any of your communications and you must stop contacting me. I care about you and am very sorry that you are hurting, but I am not the person to help you through this."

Then you must be true to your word. If you are truly concerned about his mental health, then make contact with someone in his life that you know he can lean on and let them know that your ex needs their help. Make it clear to that person that you, however, need to cut off all contact.

I had a very good friend whose on again/off again boyfriend of seven years did just what your ex is doing every time they broke up (which was somewhat often). He would basically stalk her until she relented. This went on for a very long time (and she lost me as a friend in the process) because she refused to lay firm boundaries and stick to them. It was so manipulative, on both ends. There are those couples that can break up and remain friends/in contact with one another without having to cut one another totally off. I'm guessing your relationship isn't going to be one of them.

I know it may feel harsh, but honestly, it's in the best interests of both of you that you cut off contact. You are simply not the person that is going to help him heal. It doesn't often work that way.

If you need a bit of fortification, read the Dance of Anger. It's not completely on point, but it offers some very good suggestions on how to lay firm boundaries with people. I learned a lot from it in this regard.

Good luck.

[goldfinch]

"From today forward, I will not answer any of your communications and you must stop contacting me. I care about you and am very sorry that you are hurting, but I am not the person to help you through this."

Perfect.

[shootingstar]

Good that you are well, badger.

Best of luck in making a clean break. Lerner's "Dance of Anger" is a good book. Read it many years ago and found it helpful

[badger]

He's a very controlling person so what he's doing is nothing unexpected. I don't deny that he's hurting a lot, but he's trying to control the situation by professing his love, how he'll change, etc so that I will take him back. I would say that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship so the more distance I can create, the better.

I'm just writing a letter to his best friend. I will be warning him that there might be more of a fallout after I tell him I won't be answering him anymore and that he needs to move on on his own.

thanks for the advice, ladies!

[smilingcat]

My father once told me to tell my exBF to go and date whole bunch of women, preferably one night stands. My father said the my ex will quickly forget about me.

Badger, next time he calls, give him permission and encourage him to date whole lots of other women out there. Turn around the control right back into his face. And tell him that the new women would be far better than you.

Take care of yourself first. And +1 with what everyone else said.

[indysteel]

I'd add that you should take any steps that will help you limit your exposure to his contacts. Block his email, use caller ID, change your phone numbers if necessary, certainly etc. If you have any reason to believe he knows your passwords to things, change them. I don't want to sound alarmist, but if he's abusive, then I think you need to keep your guard way up.

[Velocivixen]

It's NOT your job to "help him heal". He's just trying to keep you in his grasps. I'd move away both emotionally and in every other way ASAP. It's gone on years too long as you've said. Therefore you've wasted your time. Learn from this and move on. If he respected you he wouldn't be bombarding you with attempts at communication. Maybe ? this approach has worked in the past??? You are not responsible for his feelings. Sounds manipulative to me.

[badger]

this is getting ridiculous. Now he's somehow implying that I'm in danger. Even if I tell him I won't be replying to him, he'll keep bombarding me. Ugh, I should've just changed my cell phone number when I got a new phone last week.

"I love you so much, I don't understand what is going on with my life, I feel like something else is taking control of everything around me, nothing feels right...
You leave my life without warning, money continues to keep coming my way, friends that know nothing about what has happened have all rung today, a company that deals with business acquisitions rang about the business... I'm deeply unhappy and now all this strange stuff, its all too much, all too quick and something is very wrong and I am worried...
I beg you, please keep safe, please... I love you"

[indysteel]

this is getting ridiculous. Now he's somehow implying that I'm in danger. Even if I tell him I won't be replying to him, he'll keep bombarding me. Ugh, I should've just changed my cell phone number when I got a new phone last week.

"I love you so much, I don't understand what is going on with my life, I feel like something else is taking control of everything around me, nothing feels right...
You leave my life without warning, money continues to keep coming my way, friends that know nothing about what has happened have all rung today, a company that deals with business acquisitions rang about the business... I'm deeply unhappy and now all this strange stuff, its all too much, all too quick and something is very wrong and I am worried...
I beg you, please keep safe, please... I love you"

Stop reading his emails. Delete them the minute you get them.

[ny biker]

He's a very controlling person so what he's doing is nothing unexpected. I don't deny that he's hurting a lot, but he's trying to control the situation by professing his love, how he'll change, etc so that I will take him back. I would say that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship so the more distance I can create, the better.

I'm just writing a letter to his best friend. I will be warning him that there might be more of a fallout after I tell him I won't be answering him anymore and that he needs to move on on his own.

thanks for the advice, ladies!

No, he's not hurting. He's trying to manipulate you so he can regain control.

Cut all ties, now. Do not accept calls, do not read emails, do not communicate with him.

[Grits]

Another book is The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. You might not be worried about potential violence, or perhaps you are or should be, but it gives some very good advice about disengaging from the person exhibiting stalker like behavior. One review said this:

"Chapters 8 and 11 would be my second recommendation, and it goes out to all the girls who have ever found themselves picking up the phone to say "I told you not to call me!" This persistent stalking behavior is one of the predictors of violence, and how you interact with it can shape how the bad boyfriend (or even bad date) will behave towards you. Ignoring him is the best option-- it's when we continually engage, even to say "go away," that the stalker gets mixed messages and persists in his harassment. "

This is a difficult situation. Best of luck.

[indysteel]

Excellent recommendation, Grits. I was trying to recall that title myself. I read Carolyn Hax's chat at the Washington Post, and suggests that in every type of abusive relationship.

Badger, I'm very glad you're doing well, but at some point I hope you can make an effort to analyze why you stayed so long with an emotionally abusive man. It's important that you come to understand as you move forward in your life.

[NbyNW]

So proud of you for getting out of this manipulative situation. Someone who truly loves you will give you the encouragement and the space to be your best self, not manipulate you so satisfy their own needs.

Be happy, enjoy your newfound freedom. He is not your problem anymore.

Good that you wrote to his friend, that may be the reality check he needs, might also help diffuse the situation.

I went through a similar breakup, years and years ago. The calls stopped after I met with a mutual friend and had a chance to tell my side of the story.