Broken heart

[artifactos]

My boyfriend broke up with me today.

I bought my road bike in September after watching him kick butt at the SavageMan Tri in Maryland. He took me on my first ride on it, as well as many many rides since then. He competed with me in my first (indoor) triathlon. We had a triathlon season all planned out for the summer. We went to spin classes together in the mornings and he was teaching me how to be a better swimmer.

So, at this point, it seems like it's going to be very difficult to separate my cycling and training in general from him and thoughts of him. I am very scared that this breakup is also going to cause me to break up with my bike. Has anyone else been through this? What can I do to help make a transition?

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear this. It is painful when cycling is shared with an SO and cycling lives are intertwined.

First of all, try to design your training/regular ride routes to be different than the route what you and he rode often together. If possible.

First few rides will be difficult but choose non-rainy days initially or something to make ride better.

Make your ride(s) with a specific goal in mind..meaning stopping somewhere to get something or have a snack. (yes, I know you will be sitting alone. Then bring a book..)

Of course ride with a friend/group if possible.

Don't abandon your bike completely, but either shorten (and intensify) your bike rides or do completely different routes, etc. Above all, don't be so hard on yourself. Cycle where your heart takes you in the moment. Cycle in the moment, not in the past nor in the future.

[shootingstar]

Did I take my own advice? I tried to at the time:

During the first 3 yrs. of knowing dearie, he and I broke up twice. Then back together happily.

Then he and I lived apart in 2 separate cities for 2.5 yrs. due to company relocating him and me refusing to give up my job for temporary situation. This was not a break-up but still it was painful for me for lst few months when I went cycling daily with the knowledge he was not in the same city as I.

I tried all of those things I suggested. it helped ease the pain --well for me.

(But he is part of my life happily now so am not sure if this helps. We're together for non-cycling reasons...of course. But yes, he did reintroduce me to cycling...so long ago.)

[indysteel]

I went through something like that in 2006. I started riding because of my BF at the time who was a cyclist. Admittedly, it was tough to disassociate the two, and to be honest, I didn't really do a great job of it in that I continued to more or less ride with the same group of people--including him--that he introduced me to. In some ways, that worked for me because those people were and remain wonderful friends and cycling buddies. In other ways, it prevented me from moving on as quickly and cleanly as I might have otherwise. It was, at best, a calculated risk.

My advice in this: Regardless of whether you continue to ride, the breakup is going to hurt and you're likely going to be thinking of him regardless. Accept that. So, wouldn't you rather hurt while you otherwise did something that you enjoyed and was good for you? Find ways to ride that don't literally and figuratively cover the same ground that you covered with your BF. Identify different cycling goals, different routes, different people with whom to ride. In time, you will associate your bike less and less with him.

Ask yourself this: In a year's time (give or take), do you want to be the woman who found a way through her pain to continue to do something that she enjoyed and that was good for her body, mind and spirit or do you want to be someone who abandoned herself and one of her favorite hobbies because it otherwise hurt?

I don't put it in those terms to sound unkind. Trust me when I say that I've had heartbreak, too. It's awful, and I'm not trying to minimize it. But at the end of the day, how do you want to define yourself? By your breakups or by your own terms? If it's the latter, then you will find a way to continue to love your bike, cycling and competing in tris. It will not be easy, but it is doable. Plus, on the other side of the pain, is a renewed sense of your own power and strength.

I'm still friends with my ex. I'm also married now to someone else that I met through cycling. In between those relationships, I made good friends, traveled and found a person within myself that was far better for having continued to ride. It all worked out for the best.

Hugs and good luck.

[artifactos]

Thank you both. If the weather wasn't so nasty today, I'd ride down to my LBS and cry to the owner, since he has become a good friend.

I am unsure of continuing to associate with the new Tri club. The now-ex-bf was really looking forward to working with them, and since we never got started with it together I'm afraid of starting to ride with them and having him still be there. Should I look for a different group to train with? Just go to the events I know clash with his existing schedule? I'm terrified that he'd start dating someone new in the club somewhere down the line and having my heart broken even further.

[OakLeaf]

(((((artifactos)))))

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to add my sympathy and support. Hang in there.

[Biciclista]

someone else just went through this recently.
She re-outfitted her bike to reflect her new feelings, and it really helped.

Honestly, if something happened to my DH right now, it would be hard for me to get back on the bike. But I would WANT to because it's a large part of my healthy life style choices.
Good luck.

[BikingNurse]

So sorry to hear. Just wanted you to really know you have our support when ever! it may be hard, but just get on and ride. Let your wheels take you to new routs maybe find a new bridge or tree to rest at.

[PamNY]

No advice, just hugs and support. I know you'll find a way to continue to enjoy biking.

[Bike Chick]

Same here. Break ups are tough and it hurts like heck when you are in the middle of it. Hang in there. Maybe the bike will keep you moving forward

[lph]

(((artifactos))) I know how you're feeling. You were given very good advice over here. I especially liked indysteels point that a break-up will hurt anyway, and you might as well be doing something you know is good for you at the same time. It may not be as therapeutic or soothing right now, but still riding is still going to be good for your body, and over time riding for yourself and your own reasons and your own goals will replace whatever goals you had together. If you don't, riding your bike will stay "his". For it to become "yours", you have to struggle through and accept the pain that comes with associating it with him for the time being.

Take care.

[ClockworkOrange]

Oh sweetie, massive hugs to you and lots of support.

There is a lot of good advice on here.

...............and remember ....well, not too often.

Hugs.

Clock

[Serotta Jim]

I have found the tri people in Cincinnati don't cross over a lot to the other races. If he is a tri guy you could shift over to Crits or TT and avoid him that way and still race.

If you want to ride with some other people you could check out Seven Hills - http://www.7hillsracing.com/ they seem like nice people.

Queen City Wheels also puts on the Ault Park Crits which are a lot of fun. http://www.qcw.org/index.php?option=...d=17&Itemid=22

Or there is the Cleves Time Trials - http://www.qcw.org/index.php?option=...&id=7&Itemid=9

The east side has a lot of rides and groups that head out into Indian Hill & beyond - check out Cinci cycle clubs site for locations.

[artifactos]

Thank you all. Really. You ladies are great. I wish my real life friends were as supportive - none of my friends have called me. I called a few of them yesterday and left teary voicemails, and I have yet to get return calls or messages. It makes me sadder to know that I'm losing the one person I COULD rely on when I needed support.

Serotta_Jim.. I think I'm going to continue with the Tri club for now. The now-ex was fine training on his own last year, and I THINK I can hold my own with the club if I have new people to talk to who weren't aware of our relationship. It will absolutely break my heart, though, if I hear someone ask if he is single. Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

I want to do multisport (even though I still suck hard at swimming), so I am aiming for duathlons at the moment.

[channlluv]

Hugs to you, first of all. Breakups are almost always painful.

If it were me, and I weren't already attached to that tri club, I'd switch clubs. You're only setting yourself up for a painful encounter if you see him with someone else - you've already mentioned it twice here. I think making a clean break of it and finding your own new club would do you good.

Be strong, and do keep doing the things that build your confidence.

Roxy