Menopause and Relationships

Hi Gals,

Wow, at 51, I really feel a lot of changes going on. The cramping during my periods is horrific, and now I bleed between cycles. Hard to sleep, anxiety, and now even separation anxiety with my partner visiting her family for who weeks. Both of us seem to be concurrently going through these changes, making our eight year relationship very challenging, and on the brink of breaking up.

Strangely enough, I had my hormones tested and the only one that is abnormal is my testosterone. Very low. So how can I attribute these mood changes to menopause when my hormones are normal? I think I am losing my freakin' mind.

Have any of you had difficulties during menopause with your relationships? I would love to hear your stories and your solutions.

I did not expect this. I expected conversation about dwindling sex drive and all that nuts and bolts stuff.
To answer your question though, I think that women who are really emotional during periods are the ones who have issues at menopause. It never affected me the way you are describing. Sorry.
One more thing, your hormones might be normal, but what if you have some other problem with your uterus that causes the cramping and bleeding?
When I was right about your age, periods got nasty but it lasted less than a year. hang in there. On the other side, it is awesome.

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

One more thing, your hormones might be normal, but what if you have some other problem with your uterus that causes the cramping and bleeding?

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That's what I thought. For example, I know some women who had terrible cramps caused by fibroids.

Did your doctor tell you that low testosterone would not affect your moods? I can't see how it wouldn't? (Don't women manufacture all our testosterone from estrogen anyway - not directly?)

I was also under the impression that hormones had to be tested several times to get a picture of what's going on, since they vary so much over the course of a cycle.

But ... for me it's hard to say. We've gone through so many changes and stresses over the years as a couple that I can't really point to menopause for anything other than changes in our sex life (and even there, there was another HUGE factor).

Perimenopause lasted nearly six years for me. For the first few years, my periods came more often, rather than less, and I had trouble sleeping at night. I'd get a bit crabby from lack of sleep, but I don't remember feeling a lot more emotional than usual. In the last year periods came further and further apart and the hot flashes started.
One year after what I thought was my last period, I got one final one. Then the hot flashes started in earnest and I had a brief disastrous experience with HRT. (Ended up in the emergency ward with stroke-like symptoms.) I got the flashes under control with a ketogenic diet after reading about it in the Brain Trust book. Still get them, but nowhere near as many.
I think what has gotten me through is swimming. On mornings that I'd awaken at 3:00 and stared at the ceiling for hours, I'd eventually get out of bed, put on my suit, and go for a swim. I'd still feel exhausted at work, but much calmer. I couldn't do quite as much cycling due to an old car crash injury, but that also helped.
I don't remember really bad cramps. Biciclista is right, there may be something else going on there.
Dietary changes you can make:

• More magnesium. It may help with the cramps as well.
• Omega 3 and 6 fatty acids. The North American diet is weak in these and overly abundant in Omega 9. Flax seed and avocado oils can help. You may have to take two tablespoon of each every day for a month to catch up. Eat more oily cold water fish as well.
• Cut waaaay back on simple carbohydrates. Until your brain relearns how to utilize glycogen without the use of estrogen, you may even want to replace some of your carbohydrates with fat calories.
• Don't stop exercising. Even if you don't feel like doing a lot, consistant daily efforts will help.

First - I've been told that hormones fluctuate throughout the day so one blood test, or even several, cannot be definitive. Some docs do saliva tests, other docs say they're worthless. Who knows?

BUT, I can attest that menopause can wreck havoc on moods. My anxiety can go through the roof due to small life circumstances. A low dose of benzodiazapines (sp? like Valium) have been prescribed but even at miniscule amounts, I become extremely lethargic and feel removed from life itself. Plus there is the addiction factor & my family history isn't great in that area. It does help with sleep - for about four hours and then I'm wide awake. Not good.

My husband, bless his heart, is the pillar of understanding. I'm extremely lucky & blessed to have him in my life. Still - I have to live with me and that isn't easy. Medically, I'm finally (really!) going to see a naturopath next week. Bioidentical hormones were not my answer because of side effects (IBS becomes exacerbated, cannot wear contacts due to dry eyes, joints become very sore) so this person is my last medical hope. Hot flashes are still severe. When I die you'll know my grave site - hot coals will be tame in comparison.

So, that's the bad stuff. I do believe that things happen for a reason and I think menopause is a time when we can look inside for our answers. I've been doing meditation and am preparing to again go through the Jon Kabat Zinn 8 week meditation series for anxiety. It reminds me that I may have anxiety but that doesn't define me as a person. It teaches me to watch my thoughts & realizing that they 1. affect mood profoundly and 2. are not always accurate. It helps put things into perspective. Plus, there are no side effects. The challenge is to make the time and realize that even if you can only sit still for a minute, that is better than nothing. It does get easier with time, then it gets a little harder, then easier. It's two steps forwards, one step back. But the times when I can be OK in my own skin are wonderful and definitely more frequent.

I recommend the book, Full Catastrophe Living, by Kabat-Zinn as a great starting point. He talks about being mindful in everyday life. I hadn't realized how much of my life was spent either ruminating over the past or worrying about the future. 98% of my fears never come true. In the meantime, I'm not present for the small joys in my life that add up to a peaceful existence. I'm not perfect and still have to really practice - and - it is getting better. It isn't instantaneous but real, long lasting deep changes take time.

So - maybe not the answer you're looking for but it's working for me. Maybe I'm lucky that I cannot take most medications because I'm forced to do this work. Who knows?

I second adding more Magnesium to your life (400 mg/day). It is supposed to help with cramping of all muscles in the body, including the uterus. Most of us are deficient in this nutrient, unless you are scarfing the leafy greens and drinking bone broth by the gallon (or mineral water, I suppose). I got my mom to start taking it and it really helped her hot flashes and her cramping as she is currently going through this stage in her life. I'm still waiting for my first cycle post stopping birth control pills, but I am hopeful I will not have the severe cramping I did when I was younger.

In fact, I agree with pretty much everything Nuliajuk said. All those things have really helped my mom over the last 10 months to get her menopause symptoms under control. Plus, she lost about 20 pounds and looks and feels great.

I've been told I'm starting Perimenopause. The hot flashes are unbelievable. I've always been a warm person, wearing less than the normal person even in a blizzard, but this is ridiculous.

I am also an emotional wreck. I have always been a crier. But now, I cried last night when I saw Gabby Douglas win, the rowing team and every time they play the National Anthem. Really? My husband thinks I'm nuts, since his mother has gone her entire life without burdening anyone with anything-literally. "My mother never had that, did that, said that, cooked that" I told him he should go live with his mother, I'd help him pack and drive him. He shut up.
My daughter doesn't seem to notice at all :rolleyes:, and my sons are concerned. (Boys are so cool) they told me to go relax and take a bath. I love them. They know what I need. :p
I am snapping at people for no reason, and I can hear myself, and cannot stop. The doctor has recommended hormone therapy, but I'll tell ya, I've heard of so many more problems with that!!

Hopefully, you and your partner can find a way to live with each other while this is happening. It's rough with just one person, two must be torturous. All my best!

I too have seperation anxiety at different times of the month when my husband goes off to work. And at other times can't stand to be around him because he has a very stressful job and when I'm feeling on the upswing he can very easily bring me down. I love him to death and have been going to a therapist for years but now that I'm starting to go through the change, I need it more than ever. I have found that doing research on your own can help alot. Doctors vary on this subject and it sucks. What works for one may not work for another. I have found the book "The Wisdom of Menopause" to be of great help too. It's a big book and haven't gotten through it all yet. The only thing that I must say is that the author does talk about her divorce that she had the courage to do in the midst of her "change" was a bit unsettleing for me during my downswing. Made me second guess even my marriage which is pretty strong. Just learned when I should read it and when not to.

The short version: any issue you haven't dealt with in your life will come to a head. There will be no setting issues aside anymore. Get therapy if you haven't already.

The long version.
From what I've read, this seems to be the time of life that if you haven't dealt with your stressors/baggage/issues etc, they will come raging out of your pores. I think this is why divorces are so common with midlife women. The way menopause raises the intensity of what's going on anyway, perhaps with issues that you haven't dealt with or even been aware of, the tolerances for what one considers acceptable to live with can really change. I witnessed this with my own mother, who hit menopause and packed up and split what was a terrible situation,(left us kids behind to suffer but that's a different discussion) and with many women in my orbit, which is filled with mid life women who divorced, decided they hate men or only wanted to be with women, needed to go find themselves after having been wives and mothers, or whatever. Sure I might sound biased in my opinion. I was affected very negatively.

Me, I've been perimenopausal for years now. My periods are slowly tapering off but won't quite quit. I've suffered from dysthmic depression and anxiety for years, and have been in treatment for it, so I have nothing new going on there. I've found the hot flashes vary greatly with my diet. I try to take responsibility for my mood and not take it out on my partner. No matter how I feel, my actions and reactions are very much a behavior choice.

Some great input. Thanks gals. At least now I know I am not going crazy...

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Originally Posted by nuliajuk

Perimenopause lasted nearly six years for me. For the first few years, my periods came more often, rather than less, and I had trouble sleeping at night. I'd get a bit crabby from lack of sleep, but I don't remember feeling a lot more emotional than usual. In the last year periods came further and further apart and the hot flashes started.

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I sometimes wonder if I will be early to menopause, or have a freaky long perimenopause phase. My periods have been 23 days, on average, since I was in my early-to-mid 30s. Annoying as hell, since I spot for about 8-10 (had thermal ablation when I was about 30, otherwise I'm sure I'd bleed a lot more and be anemic, since I have endo and adenomyosis). Mood-wise, I am pretty level, but I have never been moody, not even when preggers. If anything, I was LESS moody while pregnant. Damn, I'd like some progesterone!!!

I've always been a bit of an insomniac, but nowadays it seems I can't sleep at all without Ambien. I'm in a horrible cycle of staying up too late and finally giving up and popping a pill. It's after 2AM and I am waiting for the meds to kick-in so I can sleep.

I'm sorry to hear itself how things are happening in your relationship.

I'm probably close to finishing perimenopause. Meanwhile I have this stock of new feminine papers... :) I just haven't had a period for many months and just mild hot flash for a few times per month.

Some drastic things have happened in my life which of course have caused sadness for me. But for certain I can't attribute stresses to my (or my partner's) changing hormones.

We just live more mindfully and lower our expectations a notch on the cataclysmic front. :rolleyes:;)

I didn't feel much of anything from menopause.

I'm sure you know this, but I think it's a good idea to consider that hormones might have nothing to do with moods and other issues.

My moods didn't change at all. They *did* change when I had miserable pms and I always gauged it by how irritated I felt by my students. I had horrible physical symptoms and menopause was welcome. Too bad I had a 10 yr. hell of peri, with increased pms symptoms. I had hot flashes for about 5 yrs. after my periods stopped. I just drank lots of water and ignored all of it.

I can totally relate to the hot coal comment....here's my story

I first noticed odd symptoms about 3 yrs ago. It first started with huge mood swings, I would get really really pissed off (which scared the crap out of me) then at the other end I was in tears for no reason I could understand. I would withdraw myself from social situations when I could feel the mood swings coming on which my co-workers and friends started to find odd, but I just didn't want to tell anyone what was happening. I actually thought I was going crazy, because normally my moods are pretty consistent . Then everything started to hurt and ache, my joints felt like they needed oiling. Then the hot flashes started. I get two different types of hot flashes. One type feels like the broiler has been turned on, I get super hot, face flushed, visible facial sweat, and it's over within 30-45 seconds (thankfully). The second type is when the broiler stays on high for hours. It's totally insane, the longest one I've had has been just over 3 hrs. I tried HRT and ended up with side effects that were worse than the hot flashes, so for the last 8 months I have taken nothing. For me taking Tylenol helps a bit with the long hot flashes. I started gaining weight, and found myself not wanting to do anything. I sure didn't want to move as everything hurt.
I took a survey test on menopause symptoms, I have 29 out of 34 symptoms. (how wonderful for me!).
I also have issues haveing hot flashes at night, lack of sleepis a huge problem when I can't stand it anymore, I'll take a sleeping pill. For me lack of sleep triggers migraine headaches which put me out of commission for up to 3 days. So not sleeping is not an option for me.
Menopause is the reason I bought my first bike, cause when your outside pedaling away with the wind in your face who feels any hot flashes? It's awesome relief. Now I alternate between my hybrid bike and my road bike and I'm riding at least 20 miles daily.
My hubby (god bless him) Is really supportive, never complains when I have the A/C jacked in the house to the point he's freezing and has to wear a jacket.
Apparently i can expect these symptoms to continue for years to come. Woo-hoo! How awesome is that?

I think that hardships in relationships are opportunities to improve things. One cannot expect things to be perfect all the time. I think sometimes people forget that there's work involved in maintaining a healthy relationship.