OMG This hurts SO bad

My heart is broken. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't stop crying. I've lost 6 pounds in the last week. I had to leave work early today because I was falling apart.

So my best friend of the last four years is a single guy. Neither of us have dated anyone else since we've been friends. I knew I had feelings for him that were too strong, but I didn't realize how strong. He has been very clear with me that he was only interested in friendship, so I decided to respect that and to appreciate him and our friendship. Problem is, I seem to have fallen in the Big L Word with him sometime along the way.

And now, despite his saying millions of times that it's not worth it to get involved and he's going to be single forever, he is seeing his old college girlfriend from 25 years ago. I am beyond devastated. I talked to him yesterday (while bawling my brains out) and he said he had no idea how I felt and he feels terrible that I'm hurt. He just kept staring at me with the weirdest expression on his face. He said he hopes we can still be friends. I said I hope so too. But I don't think we can be. I think I have to stay away from him for good. I think yesterday will be the last time I talk to him for a very long time.

My heart is broken and I've lost my best friend. And he lives on my street so I can't really get away from him. And seeing her car over there several nights this past week hasn't helped either. I have never felt so devastated in my entire life. I can't believe that boom, just like that, he is no longer part of my life. I have no idea what to do with myself.

Thank you for reading my pathetic rant.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am so sorry.

Giving you a huge HUG from Colorado right now.

your rant is not pathetic, and your feelings are very justified. Sometimes no matter how much you tell your brain not to, your heart has other ideas.

Just out of college this happened to me. Almost the same situation as yours. We were best friends for 2 years- both single the whole time. Did everything together. He didn't want me like that, and I went ahead and fell in love. We worked together, and when he started seeing someone I was crushed. He got engaged within a couple months and I was devastated. I quit my job and cut him out because I just couldn't still be his friend. It was so painful. My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry...

Hugs, hugs and more hugs coming your way. I wish I could tell you it will be OK, but I know how much you hurt right now...:(

(((((((Rollie)))))))

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Originally Posted by RolliePollie

I can't believe that boom, just like that, he is no longer part of my life.

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He thinks he's still part of your life. The part he thought he played: the friend who liked you but had no romantic interest in you.

The only thing that's out of your life is the fantasy you had. The real person is still there.

Heal yourself of the damage your fantasy has done you, and tell him you are sorry. Don't cut him out of your life. He never lied to you, he always told you how he felt (he was gentle about it, saying he'd rather be single than date you). Get back to being the friends he's always thought you were.

Friends are so incredibly valuable. Cherish what he really is. Your friend. Not your lover.

It sucks to be forced to face reality, and it hurts like h*ll the first time it happens, but (((Rollie))) you will survive.

So sorry for what you're going through, Rollie. Take care of yourself.

Rollie, I am so sorry. Broken hearts hurt so bad. Knotted has good advice. Try to stay in the moment and you will get past this and hopefully still keep your best friend. {{{{hugs}}}}

Take some time to be upset about it, and then take some time to focus on you. When you make you happy, and you've had some time to heal, you'll be able to be friends if you're still interested.

That's the worst feeling in the world. *hugs* and I promise, we're all here for you!

Rollie, I'm so sorry about your pain. I think Knotted has good advice. Don't throw it all away.

I would be like you Rollie: 'Cause it's hurting so bad, best not to have him at all in my life.

I know this is against Knotted's advice. But some people it takes a severing from the person for ...a few years so that hurt person can get on with life ahead. Not everyone is the same, especially concerning great ex-guy friends who fell in love with someone else. I put them out of my life.


Do you plan to go on vacation soon? Do so. Or spend some time visiting friend for a few days. Hope you have someone to bike with occasionally at this time.

Yeah, what Knotted said.

Everyone is very supportive and you know we feel your pain, but I think what I was missing in my hard times, was an actual PRACTICAL advice how to live today and tomorrow. So, here it goes (with some prologue).

Prologue:
I was once hurt beyond believe: After 2 years of dating, he came every other weekend, was nice to me (since I was helping him with his thesis) and when I was done, he just said "go away, I don't want to talk to you". Then I cried for 2 weeks while seeing him with his old high school ex-gf and then he came again, was nice to me ... I survived this roller-coaster for 2 months and then I broke down. I lost 20 lbs and did not talk to anyone for a month, just cried. I remember passing out because I was unwilling to move. I hated mornings, because I had to wake up and realize the reality once again. Since then, I hate mornings.

But one day I realized that I am going to move, I am actually going to walk to bathroom myself and I did. The biggest victory of my life. I am still very proud of it. What the guy did was wrong - he played me for his own interests (he never graduated on time anyway) and I don't talk to him anymore, but I am happy I had to go through it. It made me better person.

Next time my life was falling apart I decided to have a strategy. So, here is my strategy.

Reasoning which works for me:
Psychological pain seems to subsidize when I am actually physically uncomfortable.

I did not realize that but I used drink a lot not to be drunk but to have a hangover for next 2 days. During the hangover I was so sick that I kind of did not care about my heart problems that much. Thinking about throwing up any minute definitely pushes away other problems.

But I don't want to drink anymore in such excess and I hate to throw up. So, I run. Badly, slowly, crying but I run.

Here is what I do: Put a pile of running clothes next to the door. You need Running BRA, shorts, socks and shoes. Put a $20 in your shorts and HUGE HANDKERCHIEF in your shorts. Or paper tissues (when I cry a lot, paper hurts me though). Now, when you start feeling sad, don't let yourself cry too much in the house. Put on the clothes, take the handkerchieves and cry while walking or running. Go for it. Go and run. Outrun and pound into the pavement every little pain you have. The pavement is your enemy and needs to be punished for all the unhappiness you have! You don't need to look good and you don't need to have a good running style. Crying and running will make you short of oxygen and thus walk but keep on walking. Who cares where you going. Keep circling your block or go straight. You got money in your pocket.

I do that. I actually go and cry on the stepmaster in our building gym (it is always empty). If I get home and within an hour feel the overwhelming sadness again, I go and run again.

It might not help you, but it is the only thing I can offer. My practical advice. Go and cry on the move. Don't cry sitting. For some reason, this helps me dealing with psychological pain.

I think we've all been heartbroken before. Some of us deal with it well. Some not so much. But we all have to deal with it eventually.

My stepmother posted this link on my Facebook wall this morning. I think it's really appropriate, but you might not be ready for it for a bit. But here it is, when you're ready: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs.

Much love surrounds you here.

Don't be afraid to cry your heart out. Sometimes that's the only thing that helps you move forward.

Roxy

Two things helped me get over a broken heart. The first thing was telling myself that his happiness meant more to me than my own, and so I had to let him go, and he married someone else. The other thing, and this was necessary for my happiness, was cut him out of my life completely (as you are already trying to do). This was more than just not seeing him. It was not calling, not writing, and most important, not even thinking about him (it can be done, but it's hard). Eventually, it got easier, until it was effortless. Now I don't even remember what I ever saw in him. We are not friends, and I'm okay with that. It would have been too painful for his wife to have me in his life, never mind what it would have done to me or him.

I wish I could give you a real hug, since I know just how you feel. It hurts like hell. Please eat something. You can end up getting really sick from all this sadness, so take extra good care of yourself.

In reading all this, of course there are those of us (not I) who divorced someone.

Then they have to live with it ...because they have children and joint custody. This is in my mind, even harder initially.

It's quite a large jump from the neighbor who becomes a friend but is never interested in dating or romance, to:

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Originally Posted by shootingstar

Then they have to live with it ...because they have children and joint custody. This is in my mind, even harder initially.

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It might be more helpful to Rollie if we focus on things that may help her through this rough time, rather than comparing her situation to divorces with children which are "harder."

Pain is pain.

When someone is suffering, it doesn't matter how their suffering compares to someone else's. It ALL hurts.

Pain is pain. ((((Rollie))))

I'm so glad I posted here. Your girls are so wonderful. Thank you for saying such nice things. I just can't believe this is actually happening.

It's just going to be so hard to really let go of him. I don't know yet, but I just don't see myself being able to be friends with him again in the future. I did already apologize to him when we talked the other day. I told him it's not fair for him to have to put up with this from me because he's been very clear and consistent with me about only wanting a friendship and that's it. He responded by saying it's ok, you can't help how you feel.

I think the combination of heart break, losing my best friend, and accepting that he never wanted me is just a lot to take in all at once. I really thought he was serious about being a bachelor forever. He told me sooo many times that relationships aren't worth it, but then complained about how lonely and empty his life was. Now I know it was me all along that wasn't worth it. And that he'd rather be lonely and unhappy than take a chance on me. And that he must find me completely unattractive and repulsive. And now someone worthwhile has come along, and it's like he's morphed into a completely different person.

I wish I could go on vacation. I wish I had family close by. I wish I could go ride but I can't because I can't eat!

You hurt, we care
(((((Rollie)))))

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Originally Posted by RolliePollie

I wish I could go on vacation. I wish I had family close by. I wish I could go ride but I can't because I can't eat!

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I remember that feeling, not being able to eat from heartache. Ugh. Maybe try a smoothie, or some soup, just something you can sip, just to get a little something in you.

You're doing good. You will get through this. Don't worry about riding. Maybe go and sit outside if it's nice out.

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Originally Posted by RolliePollie

he must find me completely unattractive and repulsive.

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I understand that rejection makes you feel this way. But you're NOT.

You're beautiful. Cherish yourself. Just because you're not the one for him - and I know that hurts - but just because of that, doesn't make you less of a person.

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Now I know it was me all along that wasn't worth it.

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To sort of piggyback on Oakleaf's response,

No, no, no. If you weren't worth something to him you two wouldn't have ever been friends. While it hurts excruciatingly bad right now, it sounds like the romantic chemistry you hoped for wasn't there for him. Has nothing to do with your worth.

Others here have offered some good advice. Take extra good care of yourself. Cry yourself through boxes of tissues then go do something nice for yourself. {{{hugs}}}

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Originally Posted by martinkap

Go for it. Go and run. Outrun and pound into the pavement every little pain you have. [...snip...] Go and cry on the move. Don't cry sitting. For some reason, this helps me dealing with psychological pain.

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You know what, this is very good advice. When my dad died in a car accident, I grieved beyond what I could handle. I thought I'd never stop crying. So, I started running. I don't know why, but it helped. I cried while I ran, I ran while I cried. At some point, the crying became less and less, even though I still thought about my dad almost exclusively during my runs. When I first started smiling on my runs, I knew I was healing. It was a long road, but there's something about physical activity that helps deal with it; it's cathartic. If you can't run, walk fast; but as martinkap says, just move.

Aw ((rollie)))
Sorry you're feeling so lousy right now. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself as if you were taking care of a friend.

Oh, and I love the Sierra Foothills! I have family roots there and terrific memories of camping and river trips, and stuff that happened in my 20s that I am not going to disclose on a public forum. ;)

Pretend that you are me on vacation there while I am here in SLC. Smell the air for me, and get a view of the moon through the oak trees, ok?

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Originally Posted by nancielle

To sort of piggyback on Oakleaf's response,

No, no, no. If you weren't worth something to him you two wouldn't have ever been friends. While it hurts excruciatingly bad right now, it sounds like the romantic chemistry you hoped for wasn't there for him. Has nothing to do with your worth.

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Exactly. I know it's impossible to believe right now, but it's the truth. My second relationship after my divorce ended up like this, and it was for reasons outside myself that I kept moving at all through the searing pain. But I did, and when I look back on it now I remember, but it seems so far away (about 2.5 years ago now) both in time and space. The running thing seems like a great idea; an actual representation of what you'll be doing: putting one foot in front of the other until it seems natural again to lift your head.

((((rollie)))) You can do this.