I just want to love to ride again.
I am posting an unhappy personal grievance in the general discussion, but underneath it all it is *very* happy stuff, has been in the past, and I dream it to be again in the future. My only problem is that for years upon years upon years ( oh, try 15 ?) I have dreamed of getting 'back into' cycling the backroads of my mountain with sheer joy, as I once did when I started about 22 years ago. The first few years were beautiful, I was so manic about it all, just totally in love with the rambling sensation of going out solo for a ride, whether on the flats, or the hills (but I love the hills the best now, and avoid the flats). Spinning away made me very content, and I felt so much authenticity, and I made my own life, was very healthy, and happy and fit. Then... then it leveled out for a few more and I continued to ride, but it started to change.
Somewhere along the line I let it all get sabotaged. Joined a bike club, started hanging out with both mtn bikers and road speedsters, got really competative (never raced, just group rides), extremely technical, and I after feeling on top of the world, eventually I became jealous of the new popular fresh faces of the women who came into the scene and did better than me... were thinner, younger, faster, etc. I just couldnt' stay on top. Basically, the whole group experience escalating into a really egoistic competative match... and after I burned out, it just deflated completely. It just went down hill from there, with so many painful, sad, guilty, and self conscious associations that dragged it down for me. I gradually gained 50 pounds, where I am today. I truly think I am meant to go at it retro and solo. That's where the love was before, and I know it can be there in the future.
I know that given the right level of enchantment again, the right notch of enthusiasm, and the right group of women on this forum, (or men, don't mean to be gender exclusive ) I can align my passions once again. I need to conquer my heavy burden of expectation that was cast upon me and cycling , from that group experience that lasted nearly a decade, from around '94 to '03, wow... already 6 years ago now. I'd like to think SlowRiding, on my rigid panniered mtn bike ('93 Cannondale rigid atb) with killer hill gearing I had put on it for commuting, handbuilt wheels.... and put love and spirituality back into the pedaling... the old calming solo love of the road and hours ahead of me... instead of jealous, inadequate, catty and competative associations I'd learned to feel when in the saddle.
I've been a poster off and on for a year almost, never really following through on a regimen, as you can imagine. This is what I want so bad. Please , can anybody relate? I could just give me a little shove in the right direction, to the right forum, to the right Happenin' Thing, or pm me for a buddy system .... I just want to do it all again. I need help. I need friends. I need helping friends. A bunch of 'em. I need to be lured back into the saddle by a new bunch of fun-loving riders! ~Jen