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Mail addressed to me as Mrs. Husband's name.
My MIL does this all the time - even though I've told her my first name is NOT Thom. :p I understand that for her generation that was the proper way to address a letter to a married woman. But I don't like it. I don't derive my self worth from the fact that I'm married.
You'd think after 22 years, I could just let it go... :rolleyes:
Veronica
I'll one up you - my MOTHER does this to me! I have told her, and told her. For my first wedding, I went so far as to print wedding invitations that read, "Mr Firstname Lastname and Mrs Firstname Lastname invite you...". She still, into my second marriage, insists on addressing things to us as Mr & Mrs DH's name.
I'm right there with you - 20 years in, and I still can't fix it.
SheFly
I'm weird. It's not so bad if it's addressed to both of us. But when it is JUST to me...
Veronica
This happens to me too. I have only been married 12 years but my MIL always does the same: Mrs. DH's first and last name. What is up with that? She does not call me Skip when she is talking to me..
It's Emily Post's fault
Never under any circumstances address a social letter or note to a married woman, even if she is a widow, as Mrs. Mary Town. A widow is still Mrs. James Town. If her son’s wife should have the same name, she becomes Mrs. James Town, Sr., or simply Mrs. Town.
That's from her 1922 book I think.
Veronica
My grandmother did this for years when we were first married. Since this was long before email, every time she wrote, my husband opened up the letter because he saw HIS name!
My MIL is very traditional as is my FIL. It is hard right now as they are in town visiting us for the month...they are staying with us and let me tell you my house is feeling quite small.:o
My mother used to address mail to my grandmother as "Mrs. Grandfather's Firstname Lastname." My grandfather passed away before I was even born. It was creepy. :confused::(
Coming from a place where women don't change their last name when they marry, and not having changed my name upon marriage myself, I have encountered a range of situations from awkward to funny in the past year and a half since we've been married. Most people have been respectful of my will to be called by my last name, but not everyone knows how to handle that.
The funniest one I've seen is an invitation to
Mr. MyHusbandFirstName HisLastName & Mrs. MyFirstName MyLastName
as if I was married to someone else. (I believe the proper way would be Ms. SoAndSo).
I also regularly receive mail for Mrs. MyLastName, a common consequence of writing my name as Madame in French, which gets translated into Mrs. automatically by most databases. Before we were married, my now mother-in-law stumbled upon a plane ticket under Mrs. MyLastName. She wondered for a while if I had been married before to Mr. MyLastName...
I use both names, depending on the situation I'm in, mainly because DH of 13 1/2 years and I have a daughter who has his last name and it's easier on her at school if Mom is Mrs. Herlastname, too. However, in professional circles, I use my maiden name because I have a publishing record and a Masters in that name, and a professional reputation as a public speaker/teacher/workshop leader to maintain, and people would trip all over DH's five-syllable Hawaiian last name. Even my close personal friends don't attempt it.
His mom often calls me by the name she and I share, though, Mrs. Hislastname (which is also his father's last name, and so is her last name, too), usually grinning like it's some kind of private joke. She's funny that way.
As long as we're living in a patriarchal society, we're just going to have to put up with it, I think.
Roxy
Was it your birthday card? :cool: Whatever it is - lame under today's standards. Oh Emily (Post) what have you done to us...?
Every now and then, one of my bosses thinks it's cute to address me as "Miss" Mylastname. I haven't been a "Miss" for a long time! I think of it as similar to the use of "gals" or girls" on another thread. To me it implies that one is less than a full-fledged adult with equal rights.
I keep telling him that if he isn't going to use my first name, then he should use "Ms." or "Mrs." Which he'll try to do, and then he'll go back to using my first name, and then weeks later it'll start all over again.
Best part? He's about the same age as I am.
My late fun grandmother always addressed me as Mrs Hubby's name and even now when I receive letters addressed this way, I get a warm feeling. :)
I don't know why but this doesn't bother me at all. I like to think I am fiercely independent but not about certain things. Maybe it is because the strongest woman I know (my Mammaw, that Pansy in my signature) still signs everything Mrs. Pawpaw's Name Surname. This is my mother's father who passed February 18, 1982!
Oddly I was very torn about changing my name and the only inner compromise was to have my middle name be replaced with my mess of german maiden name and have it placed on everything. I still have to spell it and pronounce it, makes me feel more complete. And besides I wasn't fond of my given middle name. :p
I sometimes wish I had kept the name I was given at birth (the term 'maiden name' is antiquated, too, don't you think?). I did give it to my youngest son as his first name, but we don't use it. When you have children it is so complicated, maybe especially in the South, to have kids with a different name than yours. I cringed whenever I was called by my older kids' last name after the divorce, but I really can't hold it against the teachers or whomever it was. They can't really know until they're told.
Truthfully, I prefer to be called by my first name at all times, even when people I first met online and now see in person persist in calling me "Tuck" from the old AOL days. I will even ask children to please call me Karen, especially if their parents instruct them to call me Miss Karen or Mrs. Tucker, if the child will allow me to call them by their first name. I prefer to be on equal footing with all people, on a personal basis.
I never get mail addressed to Mrs. Charles Tucker. Thank goodness!
Karen
I also wish I had not changed my last name. This was the only thing we fought about before the wedding. My husband felt really strongly about it, so I changed it. Of course, a couple of years later, after rethinking many of his "ideas," he told me he really didn't think it was a big deal and I could change it back. I didn't want to go through the trouble. I also use my birth name as my middle name, which is extremely common around here. I don't use a hyphen, but on anything official, I sign both last names. Both of my boys have my last name as their middle name. They hated it until we moved to an area when at least 50% of the kids had hyphenated last names or at least their mom's name as a middle name. Now, my older son will sign his full name on documents, while #2 uses an initial or nothing. In fact, he still doesn't spell my name (his middle name) correctly half the time. He just feels it's too long to write.
I'd say at least half of the women around where I live keep their own name, and probably closer to 80% of the younger women.
I kept my own name, and my family - on the rare occasions when they send me anything - addresses me by a "married" name - i.e., Mrs. HusbandsName. :rolleyes: My brother has me that way in his email address book.
I just shrug it off. I've got bigger issues to worry about.
We often said, growing up, "You can call me anything you like. Just don't call me late for dinner!"
:p
Some friends of mine combined their last names. One was named "Kirk" and the other was "Lin"
They are now Mr. and Mrs. Kirklin! :)
Don't feel bad - I feel the same way, after 20 years of experiencing something similar. I kept my maiden name. Some members of my DH's immediate family -- including his 23 year old NIECE -- insist on calling me Mrs. Brian XXXXXX or Suzanne XXXXXXX. It's annoying.Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica
I got that too - at my niece's wedding. My brother's daughter so my last name is the same as theirs.Quote:
Originally Posted by Grog
Yet, the invitation came addressed as Mrs. MyLastName (in my sister-in-law's handwriting, no less), plus, since I did a reading during the ceremony, it was printed up that way in the program. :rolleyes:
They actually printed it as Mrs. LeeBob. Cool!!!! ;)
Nope, Mrs. Jobob. :cool:
I caused quite a stir in my first law firm - they wanted to put an announcement in the paper (so and so has joined the firm). One of the paralegals was adamant that mine should me "Mrs. MyFirstName DH's Last Name." I wanted "Ms. MyFirstName DH's Last Name." She actually argued it wasn't correct to say Ms. Uh - yeah. I said my marital status had no business in a professional announcement.
And yep - I did take my DH's last name. Didn't see any reason to keep my dad's name - he was out of the picture for most of my childhood.
CA
CA -- No offense intended but I always thought of my maiden name as "my" last name, not my dad's. My parents, surprisingly enough given that they were born in the 1920s and had very old-fashioned values, drilled in me and my sister the need to be independent in all ways. My sister also kept her maiden name. In addition, my parents really stressed the family history--my dad was a first-generation Irish/American, and the family was large, traditionally Irish (in ways good and bad) and very proud of our Irish heritage. There was a lot of identity put in the name and passed on to kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by CA_in_NC
That's where I'm coming from---it's truly just a different view and I'm not being critical or judgmental of your perspective on it.
The only mail that I get addressed as Mrs. Hisname is junk mail or invitations to formal functions in which the sender doesn't know my name. I've kept my last name at the insistence of BIAK. He didn't see any reason for me to take his last name. Sometimes not having his last name has caused some inconveniences, so there was a point that I was going to take his last name but he argued that if I did that then he would just take mine. He's impossible that way.:rolleyes: I do use his last name for any military paperwork, because their system has a hard time dealing with spouses whose last names don't match. I have no problems being addresses as Mrs. Hislastname at formal functions, and neither does he when he's addressed as Mr. Mylastname.
Hah! My mom kept her maiden name, and whenever she'd get a call asking for Mr. HerName, she'd get very quiet and say "I'm sorry, he died..."
All the while trying not to bust out laughing.
-- gnat!
I don't actually care. Business we deal with at home sometimes call me by DH's last name. Other businesses call him by my name. His parents address cards to "Mr. & Mrs. Hisname." It doesn't bother me either way and it doesn't bother him to be called "Mr. Myname" - he'll even refer to himself that way if it helps him communicate with the cable company or whatever, if the account's in my name.
I definitely feel like my last name ties me to my father, which wouldn't necessarily be my choice, but it's the name I grew up with and it's the name I know myself by.
No offense taken! It's interesting how we all have different perspectives. I think mine was skewed by the fact that I "grew up" with my grandparents (mom's side) and my mom re-married when I was in middle school and took her new H's last name. So - I was the only one in my family with that name. Guess that's why it felt that way? But I agree - most people do think of their "maiden" name as their last name. I think I'm the odd ball:rolleyes::rolleyes: Not for the first time:rolleyes::rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by mickchick
That's great! I'll have to remember that.Quote:
Originally Posted by gnat23
My husband has gotten mail addressed to Mr.his first name my last name. ;) So I guess turn about's fair play!