Advice with Teenage Daughters & Piercings

OK, the Silvers need objective advice.

Our 16 year old daughter told Silver that she wants her navel pierced. I'm NOT a fan of body piercing, but although I'm OK with piercings on adults...the issue is where should a line be drawn on teenagers.

So, why would I object?

• A couple months ago, I was posed with the request for this piercing or another...I conceded on the "other one" (a second ear piercing) and am now feeling a little "played" with the current request
• I question why this is important to her...is this a fashion/peer statement or a form of self-mutilation (which still has a wide following among psychologists)
• I know folks who have had major discomfort and infection from this particular piercing
• In one year, she can legally get it without our permission...so should we simply let her wait and make her own decision then as a statement of freedom (or rebellion)

Silver believes that we should allow it and move on. She thinks that I should just spontaneously take her to get it done :eek: :eek: (which would eliminate the potential "rebellion effect":( . While I understand what she's saying, I'm quite conflicted...

We love our daughter very much, she's becoming a responsible young lady, but I'm conflicted over what her motivations may be AND knowing what the right response would be.

I've never been a teenage girl...and since Silver and I don't have agreement on this yet, I welcome the thoughts and insights of the group...

Yikes, that's a hard one. I didn't have any girls, but once our son started talking about getting a tattoo. I said "yeah, your dad's been wanting one too! Y'all can go together and get one!" :D

That's the last we ever heard of it. He's 27 now and has no tattoos. ;) I'm 51 and showing my age and that I'm "old school".

<sigh> I guess if she gets it done and changes her mind later, she can always take it out and let it grow up.

Earrings draw attention to the face.

I have no teenage daughter but at one time I was one and I was the worst kind. If she can do it without your permission in one year and it's important to her she should be able to wait.

I can't stand piercings. But IMHO, chose your battles.
there are far worse things that she could do. So what if she gets an infection.
it will only mean that she'll let it heal back sooner.

If she plays softball she won't be able to slide into 2nd base anymore. :rolleyes:

There are a lot worse things she could ask to do, and she's asking you! That's good. Sounds like she's a really good kid. :)

It's a fashion/peer statement, so take her to get it, and wear your utilikilt :)

That is what I was thinking Mimi. My friend's daughter got a piercing without telling my friend. My friend said "I hope that gets infected and you have to let it grow up!"

Guess what. It did. LOL

navels heal poorly from all I've heard from friends who've had them done.

Nostrils, now, those heal up a treat!:D (devil's advocate!)

SKnot is 14. I've offered to get him his hair dyed, a piercing or two, a tattoo. Nope. If it's mom's idea he wants nothing to do with it. Darn, cuz I think he'd look good with purple hair and an earring...

Ask her what she thinks you should get pierced. Have her take you to her piercer so you can research "your" piercing. Make sure the initial piercing jewelry they use is ASTM certified medical quality materials. www.astm.org Hopefully made of titanium. Check to see that they autoclave the jewelry and needle/tools with heat sensitive tape, and that they expect you to initial the tape before it gets autoclaved. And that you inspect the tape after and confirm it has changed color.

Does the piercer wear gloves and a mask? (they gotta get their faces pretty close to their work sometimes, a mask is good for the piercer's protection and the piercee's protection)

Ask how long it would take for your ear to heal. Ask how that compares to, oh, say a navel piercing....

Anyway, if you are doing the research for "yourself" she might think about getting her next piercing differently.

And you could end up deciding to get your ear pierced!:p

Hi there, well, it has been a while since I was a teenager, and I know things are different now then they were back when I was 16, but I think she is too young. I was talking with my DH about your "issue" and he said if we had a daughter it wouldn't happen "under our watch". Granted it is only body piercing....which is not a bad thing. I got my ears pierced when I was slightly older, 17. Do you think you could ask her to wait, maybe until after the 1st of the year, that would give her more time to think about it to see if it is truely something she wants. I am sure you have already brought this up with her. Also is she in any sports where it may interfere?? Swimming..I don't know just a suggestion. I am pretty niave about body piercings, so I don't have too much to offer on that aspect. I do have frieds that have had it done just to not want to wear the ring after a year or two. Well, good luck with whatever you guys decide.

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Originally Posted by sandra

I'm 51 and showing my age and that I'm "old school".

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I admit that this is part of my problem. While my attitudes have mellowed considerably over time, I did grow up in Alabama...where middle and upper class attitudes toward body piercing are very conservative.

Sandra, how would you feel if your son's fiance had a navel piercing?

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Sandra, how would you feel if your son's fiance had a navel piercing?

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It's not really fair to compare my son's fiance to your daughter. She's 31 compared to a 16 year old.

But, I'll tell you what. Prepare yourself because you just never know. I'm learning quickly that how I "feel" about them and what they do at their age is none of my business.

My son announced that she is probably going to go ahead and move in with him NOW, even before they are married. Her apartment lease is up in October and they don't want her to sign for another year. Do I like it? NO! not really. Then again, he doesn't live with me. He owns his own house. I did express my feelings, but tried really hard not to do it in such a way that he felt he couldn't talk to me in the future.

But I do have to give them credit. At least he told me. At least he cared what I thought. He said he didn't want me to be blindsided if I came over and some of her stuff was there. At least they ARE planning to get married.

Again...all of this is old school and southern belle that I am.

(I hope that this is not offensive to anyone. It is just evidence that the times they are a changin' ~ and I'm old!)

So a naval ring? I guess it is all about self expression....and pushing the limits when you are 16 and everyone else is doing it. She may want to do it just because she knows you really don't go along with it.

I honestly don't see any problem with it. Tattoos are permanent, so of course one should wait at least until they are of age to commit. Piercings are really no big deal, IMO. Especially a navel piercing. It is small, concealed, and should she ever tire of it she can take it out and let it grow back.

I have had my navel pierced for four years now. The barbell I have in is the same that was inserted when I first got it pierced and made of surgical stainless steel, which I prefer to titanium because it will not give me an allergic reaction. As opposed to experiences others on the board have had, mine has been nothing but pleasant. Naturally there will be a little pus because your body recognizes the metal as a foreign object and is attempting to heal around it. That does not mean it is infected. Just be regular with cleanings, use a triple antibiotic and it will heal like a charm.

If she were asking for a facial piercing (which I have as well) I would have her wait a year because it could affect her employment opportunities depending on where she wants to work. If she were asking for a tattoo, (again, which I have) I would have her wait simply because of the permanence of it all.

Navel piercings are discreet and easy to care for. Like wearing sexy underwear on a first date when you know you're the only one that's going to see it, it's an extra little confidence booster to make her feel attractive and hip without drawing unnecessary attention.

Plus, if you take her to get it, your position on the parent's coolness scale will definitely be bumped up a few notches. :cool:

Edit: I just wanted to add that I don't think she is doing this to be rebellious at all. If she were she would not have sought out your permission in the first place. I think it is the mark of a very responsible young woman with respect for her parents that would have the conversation with them in a non-confrontational manner in the first place. I just think this issue is illustrative of the generational gap present and what is socially acceptable appearance-wise.

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Originally Posted by steinspinne

Like wearing sexy underwear on a first date when you know you're the only one that's going to see it, it's an extra little confidence booster to make her feel attractive and hip without drawing unnecessary attention.

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Well, that probably settles it...;)

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Originally Posted by steinspinne

it could affect her employment opportunities depending on where she wants to work.

Navel piercings are discreet and easy to care for. Like wearing sexy underwear on a first date when you know you're the only one that's going to see it, it's an extra little confidence booster to make her feel attractive and hip without drawing unnecessary attention.

Plus, if you take her to get it, your position on the parent's coolness scale will definitely be bumped up a few notches. :cool:

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Is your name SilverDaughter????;) :eek:

This sounds like her exact pitch to Silver:rolleyes: :)

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Originally Posted by Mr. Silver

Is your name SilverDaughter????;) :eek:

This sounds like her exact pitch to Silver:rolleyes: :)

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Nope, just a hard-working college student that would like to change the image that body mods are reserved for "freaks" and women of ill-repute. They can be quite tasteful and classy, if handled properly.

However all of this, of course, is just my humble opinion. :)

I'm as certain as I could be without having met your daughter that it will be the fashion/peer thing that is motivating her. I suppose there could be an element of the rebellion/shock-the-parents thing, but, well, that kinda is fashionable when you're sixteen. ;) Personally, I don't see a problem with a girl of that age having a belly button piercing - she's the one that's going to have to pay for it (unless you're a softy), keep it clean, deal with it if it did get infected, etc. - but she's your and Silver's daughter so it's your and Silver's decision whether to let her do it or make her wait another year.

Oooh, I wanna be a woman of ill-repute! Can you do that when you're over 40?

<Knot-has-5-facial-piercings>

A lot of it has to do with what part of the country you're in, I'm sure. Around here you see some pretty "wild" piercings on very "clean cut" folks. My piercings are tame and boring in comparison. Age doesn't seem to matter here, either. I have a patient in his 60's with about 6 earrings in one ear.

What might seem rebellious in one part of the country could be pretty tame or even passe' in another part.

You're never too old to have a bad reputation. ;)

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

Oooh, I wanna be a woman of ill-repute! Can you do that when you're over 40?

<Knot-has-5-facial-piercings>

A lot of it has to do with what part of the country you're in, I'm sure. Around here you see some pretty "wild" piercings on very "clean cut" folks. My piercings are tame and boring in comparison. Age doesn't seem to matter here, either. I have a patient in his 60's with about 6 earrings in one ear.

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Must be nice! Where are you from?

Down here in good 'ole Texas, once you get outside of the metropolitan areas like Dallas and Austin, things go downhill quick. I am very surprised my employers have been as accepting of my nose stud as they have. But I guess doing your job well and with a good attitude (no matter how much you don't want to sometimes!) really pays off.

Oh, one more thing. A story
when I was 16, a boy was hanging around that I was kind of ambivalent about.
My father asked me if I liked him. He said he didn't but if I liked the guy, he'd continue to be gracious and polite.
My father told me he didn't like the kid but gave ME the decision to make.
Within 24 hours I told the kid my father didn't like him and not to come around anymore!

Let your daughter know how you feel.. she might change her mind!

Seattle.

I'm not kidding, my piercings are TAME compared to the folks I see every day. There are many co-workers who have more exciting stuff than I have, and as long as the jewelry is tasteful the powers-that-be really don't care. (some of *them* have great piercings, too.)

Mr. Silver - tell Silver-daughter that navel piercing is kinda passe' here in Seattle, and most folks I know who had them have taken them out. But don't tell her what's in-fashion here now... (big honkin' bars and stuff thru the entire helix of the ear, or clean ears with just the little cartilage flap in front of the earhole pierced)

Check out this article from the San Francisco Chronicle.


http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cg...AGIEFKN7I1.DTL

I took my 16 year old daughter to get her belly button pierced. In Berkeley at Zebra. They hand out bumper stickers that say: "My honor student got pierced at Zebra."

It was okay. And their sterility standards were impecable.

Echoing the recommendations to go to a reputable piercer who is good at proper piercing placement and jewelry selection. I use titanium for all of my piercings because it is one of the safest least reactive metals. And, aftercare is the most important part of a piercing. Even given the best piercing and aftercare, it is very common for navel piercings to fail to heal. I recently retired mine after trying very hard for 15 months to coax it into healing, but no go.

I don't think a navel piercing is a big deal from a "morality" or "nice girls don't...." point of view. They are totally mainstream with most folks under 40 and with many folks over 40 as well.

Then again, maybe I'm not one to talk. I've got 10 piercings, only 4 of which are above the neck and publicly visible. You do the math. :p

I am with Steinspinne and Knot on this one. I don't think it reveals any deep psychological problems, its just what kids do today, but make sure its done safely. I also think its great that she asked your permission. In giving it, you have more control in being sure its done safely. Also, its not permanent, if it causes problems or she changes her mind, all she has to do is take it out. Its private, so in no way will effect how a more conservative prospective employer, etc. views her. There are worse things, so if it were me I'd pick my battles. By the way, both my kids have piercings, and they are outstanding students at outstanding colleges. I don't like it either, but I respect their right to self expression and understand that it is simply a part of our modern popular culture.

Well, neither of my 20 something boys have piercings, but the marine has the one required tatoo (big USMC letters on his bicep). Yes, this is the same one who shaved his legs all through high school. Personally, I do not like tatoos or piercings, other than in the ears, but almost every young person i have worked with has them. It's just a fashion statement, really. I would take Silver's approach. My kids tell me the important stuff and even ask advice on subjects that most sons would never discuss with their mom. Since I would prefer to keep things this way, my advice is to carefully choose your battles. Once you've cleared up the health/safety issues, then i don't see why she shouldn't get the piercing.

You've gotten some good advice here.

Several years ago, right before a trip to the Bahamas, I decided I would get my navel pierced to suprise my DH. He was all for it. At that time, you couldn't legally have any body piercings done in our state, so I drove over the border to NH (where everything is legal ;) ), and drove up and down the street until I found a place that looked "reputable" and "clean". It should be noted that I am probably the most conservative person you could ever meet :D .

Long story short - I got it pierced, something was wrong right away, I left it hoping it would heal and it never did. I ended up taking it out, and letting the hole close back up.

The funniest part? My little brother, when he found out, went ballistic. He couldn't believe that I would do something like that, and what was I thinking. This from the guy who has ARMS and SHOULDERS full of tattoos! I told him that at least mine wasn't permanent ;) .

I think a navel piercing is ok, especially at her age. It's not really about rebellion (as others have said), or she wouldn't have asked permission. Remember that it isn't something permanent.

SheFly

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<Knot-has-5-facial-piercings>

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Ok, now we need a picture. :)

Mr. Silver, I must admit. My ears are pierced and about 2 months ago I DID decide to get the second set of piercings right above the traditional piercings. I had two sets of diamond stud earrings and they were just sitting in the jewelry box. I decided to go for it and I really like it.

So. It looks like you have lost. Let her go for it! :D

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Originally Posted by Mr. Silver

We love our daughter very much, she's becoming a responsible young lady, but I'm conflicted over what her motivations may be...

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What does she say her motivations are?

When my daughter was a teenager, she had one piercing in each ear. Once she became an adult (21, that is), she decided she wanted a nose ring. She is now 27 and still wears it. Do I like it? No. Personally I wish she would take it out, but that is not my decision to make and I will not tell her that. It is her body, she is a smart, responsible, college-educated adult & what I like or do not like makes no difference. I feel it is harmless and even if she decides to keep that nose ring for the rest of her life, it's her decision to make.

Mr. Silver, I agree with Mimi that you should pick your battles. There are far worse things she could be doing.

Tell her all the old guys love piercings? :eek:

Ok, really, tell her how you feel about it and be prepared with a why, then let her choose or make her wait-yours and Silver's choice.

I'm for waiting. What's the hurry? Then again, I saw my sister's belly button piercing and it looked nasty forever, til she finally gave up and let it close up.

At least she isn't asking for a tongue piercing. Yet.

I am not saying your daughter will but.... I went to high school with kids that had some one pierce their navals at their house because their parents wouldn't sign off and some ended up with some pretty bad issues because of their choice. I saw some gross infections and their was a rumor one girl got Hepatitis.

I don't have kids but I would think putting aside your dislike of it and letting her get one may be the safest thing for her. Tell her you don't want to see her playing with it (bizarre fascination of my friends with them) and you don't want to see it. Just from experience, I would consent so it is done at a reputable place. A naval ring is pretty darn tame IMHO, of course I was raised in Austin and we pride ourselves on "Keeping Austin Weird". :p

I've had my belly button pierced for 10 years now. It got infected in the very beginning, but healed quickly and I now forget it's even in. I was 17 and my mom was with me. We were at the beach and I decided to ask her if I could get it done. She was as excited for me to get it as I was! There was no rebellion in it, it was just a fun and exciting thing for me to do at the time. I had friends whose parents would have never let them get it done, so they did it behind their parents backs. Then on their 18th birthday revealed it to them.

I think if your daughter is asking permission, then she wants your support in this. If you don't let her, it may turn into a rebellion thing...maybe - I can't say since I don't know her? It's really not a big deal. It's not permanent and if she doesn't like it, she can always take it out.

Good luck in your decision!

I totally and 100% agree with Mimi.

I don't have children, but I was a teenage girl once and I remember it well. My parents did an outstanding job of educating me and letting me make my own choices, and as much as it was 'cool' to put down the 'rents back then...I could never chime in. Mine were just TOO fair and I turned out pretty damn well (if I do say so myself!). I learned both from the mistakes I made, and also from the ones they helped me avoid!

Your daughter sounds like a responsible and mature 16-year old. In my opinion, I think you both should express how you feel about this to her and then tell her the decision is her's to make. And be sure to let her know how much you appreciate her being upfront about this - it'll go a long way when the bigger issues come up down the road. :)

I have no children to help you out on proper advice. But I will give you my story that is of the same topic. I had made a vow to myself that if i lost weight, and could see my naval again, I wanted a naval piecing. That was my treat to myself for accomplishing my goal. I went and got my naval pierced by what was "reputable", by someone elses standards. It was the worst experience, they used something that looked like a miniature harpoon, and it was dull. So i had to be poked twice. My naval was sore for days, never got infected. I had to take my ring out 2 years later for surgery, and i had so much umbilical swelling d/t hematoma that formed at the surgical site (NOT related to the piercing) that my hole closed and had to wait several months before I could get it repierced (at a reputable place by my standards). My belly has been pierced for 3 years or so and I have no regrets, again i am 40 and not a teenager living in my parents house so this story probably won't help you in the least. But at least Silverdaughter is coming to you to express her wishes/wants instead of doing something behind your back. I think that takes maturity.

About 10 years ago, I thought a pierced naval sounded cool. So, I went to one of the best piercing studios in NYC, and when they showed me the gauge of the wire that would be going through my flesh (10g, which is over 2mms in diameter) I almost fainted. It's not like an earring post. It's bigger than the diameter of a spoke! Yikes!

I asked why it had to be so thick, and they said there's a risk of it "ripping out" if its thinner. Ripped naval?! No, not for me!

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Originally Posted by sandra

.............. My friend's daughter got a piercing without telling my friend...............

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That must be disappointing for any parent, so I feel it a compliment that Silver Daughter asked her parents.

In the full picture, with all the major concerns and worries with teenagers, ie drugs, alcohol, pregnancies, it really is not the worse thing she could be doing.

Over here in the UK, it is almost a fashion statement for the youngsters to have these particular piercings.

I had a tatoo when I was 50 years of age and it was rather risqué, (and no regrets), there are so many things I wish I had done when I was younger.

After saying all the above, it is nice you are such caring parents, where I work the teenagers do not have parents that care.

Sally

Well, I didn't read all the response... so forgive me if I repeat something that has been said.

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Navel piercings are discreet and easy to care for. Like wearing sexy underwear on a first date when you know you're the only one that's going to see it, it's an extra little confidence booster to make her feel attractive and hip without drawing unnecessary attention.

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Well, she is 16. Call me an old fuddy-duddy at 35, but a 16 year old girl doesn't need to secretly feel sexy... and that is what sexy underwear and something like this do.

She can get it herself in a year... so she can wait a year. And in a year she can take herself to get it done and pay for it.

I read quite a bit of the responses and I think each one is valid in its own way.

I was rebellious with very conservative parents. I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 18!!! At the time, I felt it was horribly unjust but in retrospect, I appreciate it.

At 18, I did go get my ears pierced but it was because I wanted to, not because it was "cool". I had enough years to cool down on my initial enthusiasm to put some thought into it.

At 30, I got a tattoo. Since I was in the workforce in a semi-professional position, I got it somewhere that wouldn't affect my job, formal events, or potential promotions. I also had enough money and creativity to have something custom designed and have it be something that had meaning.

I was about as punk as it comes (down to purple hair but hair color grows out!) and learned restraint. I didn't need to change my body to be different and by waiting until I was older, it wasn't just an impulse tattoo or piercing.

I think at 16 most people don't know where they are headed as a person or with their life. At least I know I had no idea! Other people might have been more mature than I was.

That all being said, if you do it do it wisely. It won't be forever because as with tattoos, I'm sure piercings sag :eek: I'll also say that I think my parents were right, you don't need to follow fashions or fads to be who you are. Individuality, however (and I think navel piercing is too trendy for that) is another matter.

And I have to say what piercings I've seen on Knot, look great. I wish I could get away with it but I just don't have the facial structure. I AM jealous!!!

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Originally Posted by KSH

Well, she is 16. Call me an old fuddy-duddy at 35, but a 16 year old girl doesn't need to secretly feel sexy... and that is what sexy underwear and something like this do.

She can get it herself in a year... so she can wait a year. And in a year she can take herself to get it done and pay for it.

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I tried to say the same thing. Perhaps not so succinctly (and change the 35 to a higher number;) )

Ok, I have to chime in here. I got my navel pierced last year at the ripe age of 36. I had wanted to do it for years. I went with some friends from college (right before graduation) and two of us had it done at the same time. (only way i would have had the courage after seeing how big the needle is) It hurt like crazy and I couldn't sit right to drive home because my jeans rubbed against it. When my scrub pants rubbed against it at work, I went over to the ER and got them to put a big bandage on it. The nurse who bandaged it showed me her navel piercing of 7 years. :cool: After the two bad days, it was fine. It never got infected because I followed the piercing shops' advice on how to care for it to the T. It took about a month to heal up pretty well. I still have it and it's fine. BTW, this was all done in ultra conservative Amish country PA.

In the end, I think it is an individual choice because it is the individual who will be living with it. If she is normally a levelheaded, mature, responsible young woman as you say she is, then I'm not sure where the reservations are coming from except that it is the old school in you coming out. Just help her find a shop that is professional, takes all of the correct precautions, and get her a big bandaid for the ride home. :p If she is really committed to this and has no reservations, she will pay for it herself too. For a 16 yo, spending her own money instead of mom and dad's shows that she truly wants to do this.

BTW, when I showed my Mom, she freaked a little but got used to it. Even at 36, she felt I still should have discussed it with her beforehand. *shrugs shoulders*

Good luck.

Silver and Mr. Silver are now in agreement on this with the help of the balanced perspectives and feedback offered:

• I will take her to affirm that although I don't choose it, I respect her choice
• She will pay for it...she's got more money than me anyway
• If she has a problem, I will not say "I told you so"...she's smart enough to know what to do and to deal responsibly with the outcome

I will take her to a place that Silver and I have been before...ahem:rolleyes: ;) :p So, we know that the staff is sanitary, conscientious, and responsible.