Bicycle dates

Also reflect that 'tis the season, around now the world seems full of happy families and couples and we all expect that. Especially if you're single or in a relationship that is struggeling, the holidays can be tough.

So I raise a glass of eggnog, or maybe cyteomax and (((hugs and a toast))) to all TE gals whether with/or without a SO/DH/DP.

Yasmin, I'm not saying that your pain isn't real, far from it. Reflecting that around now stuff sorta amplifies.

Be good to yourselves, it'll be Spring before long :cool:

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Originally Posted by doc

Yasmin,
The current theory that is generally accepted by the majority of marriage counselors is called Imago Therapy. I recommend the book by Harlin Hendricks, the inventor of imago. It's a little weird at first. But after you read the book, I suggest you try to find a therapist with imago training. You can find it online. It seems like your husband does not have time for weekly sessions. There is also something called imago weekends. You get intensive therapy over the course of 2 days. I have heard it is very good. I would imagine weekly therapy is better but I'm sure he gets a wekkend off once in a while!
It is a very positive approach to marriage issues. No bashing or badmouthing allowed. It hinges on improving communication and "getting the love you need" which I think is the title of the book.
Good luck.

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Imago counseling saved my marriage, only we didn't know it was called that!
"getting the love you want (need?)" was required reading, as was following certain scripts to teach us new ways of relating. It was some of the toughest things we've ever done together ( intense marriage work, both partners) , but we both beleive we have our dream marriage now. I'm of the belief that any marriage worth saving is worth making time for the hard work.

irulan

Thanks girls. I'm really touched by the care & advise that you all show. Last night DH & I had another talk. He does see there are problems, that we've grown apart. We went to a marriage councellor last week but won't be going again. The psychologist could see that we still had genuine feelings for each other but you're right Doc, he doesn't really have the time to attend sessions. Thanks for the book idea. I've downloaded the details. If we're not too far gone it may help. You're right too Irulan...I can see why I pick people who are unavailable. Dad left when I was 2 1/2 & mum had a mental illness (schizophrenia). Reads like a bad novel, doesn't it? Anyway, I can fit the pieces together & it makes sense. I've been working on myself for decades & thought I'd resolved most of the issues. There's always something going on in life, isn't there? Oh for the simplicity in life.
Your caring is invaluable to me. It's so nice to be able to open up here. It does feel a bit weird putting my life in print like this...I sense that DH wouldn't approve. I don't have any close "girl friends", so I really appreciate all of you.

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Originally Posted by Yasmin

The psychologist could see that we still had genuine feelings for each other but you're right Doc, he doesn't really have the time to attend sessions.

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(tough girlfriend stance)

Honey, there is no such thing as "doesn't have time". Not enough time it total BS. It is a matter of choices: choosing to make the time or not. Otherwise known as, just how important is it? I don't know of any busy doc (or other professional) who can't tell the front office to leave a two hour window - no appointments- if it's important enough to them. Or, make time in the evenings. Or, make time in the early am. And there are plenty of helping professionals that keep goofy hours.

~I.

Thanks Irulan. This leopard isn't gonna change his spots any time soon.
Doctorfrau: What have I done to your light-hearted post? I seem to have changed the tone somewhat. Whoops!

my tough girlfriend stance comes from my own experience. Any individual can do all the counseling in the world on thier own issues, but when it comes to a partnership, it takes two. Guys do not like to do this kind of work, typically it's a rock bottom situation, not just a moment of introspection. I have the greatest guy in the world: when our marriage was headed pretty swiftly down the drain, he stepped up to the plate and pulled his share of the load to drag us out of the mess we'd made for ourselves. It was really tough going for a while, but we have no regrets.

also, I have a good friend who is a neurosurgeon who makes plenty of time for the things that they feel are important to themselves - while still working tons.

~I.

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Originally Posted by Yasmin

I don't have any close "girl friends", so I really appreciate all of you.

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Hey Yasmin there is a pretty good chance that one day in the future we will be living back in Adelaide and if that happens Ill be sure to give you a call girl.

Just thinking of Adelaide Im starting to feel hungry such yummy Cafes and Restaurants there. Its sounding better all the time, girl friend to ride with, chat with, eat yummy food with. Hmm sounds good to me. :) :)

Uh, Trekhawk? Could you put a comma between call and girl? I think you are saying that you want to give the girl a call not a paid-for-good-time. Well, maybe you are. Don't know you too well . . . :D

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Originally Posted by SadieKate

Uh, Trekhawk? Could you put a comma between call and girl? I think you are saying that you want to give the girl a call not a paid-for-good-time. Well, maybe you are. Don't know you too well . . . :D

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LOL - and I thought I had a naughtly mind. Sorry to clear that up I did mean a phone call to a girlfriend not the other. Hey dont want people calling me Pimphawk.
:D :D

when our marriage was headed pretty swiftly down the drain, he stepped up to the plate and pulled his share of the load to drag us out of the mess we'd made for ourselves. It was really tough going for a while, but we have no regrets.
~I.[/QUOTE]
That's such a nice story, I.
As far as the too busy earning $'s thing, until 1 yr ago DH was a 100% public hospital doctor. In Australia that is very poorly paid. He's been 1/2 public & 1/2 private for a year. Unlike most of his colleagues he spent 9 years in the public system in Australia & 6 years in Ireland & the UK national health systems. He is not a big money earner & has too many morals to do unneccessary operations. These values are some of the reasons I married him.
Your husband sounds like he really loves you to have put the work in like that. I agree, guys don't like looking at the emotional stuff. More credit to him for doing so.

Trekhawk: That would be soooo cool if we could catch up here. You'd be blown away by the increase in cafe's & al fresco dining. Not to mention the cycling. The hills here are fantastic for that. Going to Lobethal is one of my favourite trips. It's safe (not many cars) & the scenery is breathtaking. I'll look forward to it.
PS- SadieKate: I wouldn't have minded any interpretation...callgirls are more honest in their lives than some other professions I could think of! ;)

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Originally Posted by Yasmin

Trekhawk: That would be soooo cool if we could catch up here. You'd be blown away by the increase in cafe's & al fresco dining. Not to mention the cycling. The hills here are fantastic for that. Going to Lobethal is one of my favourite trips. It's safe (not many cars) & the scenery is breathtaking. I'll look forward to it.
PS- I wouldn't have minded any interpretation...callgirls are more honest in their lives than some other professions I could think of!

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Yasmin I use to live pretty close to Lobethal when we were living there last time. I love the Adelaide hills. Are they still doing the Lobethal lights at Xmas? We use to go and it would be the only traffic jam you would see for the year. Did you get to see the Downunder (is that its name now) bike race in the hills. I saw it one year when we were living there and fans had spray painted Go O'Grady on the roads all over the place. I wasnt riding when we lived there last time so riding the hills in SA would be a whole new experience for me.

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Originally Posted by Trekhawk

Are they still doing the Lobethal lights at Xmas? We use to go and it would be the only traffic jam you would see for the year. Did you get to see the Downunder (is that its name now)

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The are still doing the Lobethal lights at Christmas...just. The premier (Mike Rann) questioned stopping it because of "wasted" power (!). However, opposition against that idea won. However, power in SA is VERY expensive & not as many homes are doing it, but it's still good to see. Kids love it.
They call the race the "Tour Downunder", as opposed to the Tour De France.. Yes, I go every year & just love it. They have a section that anyone can ride. They call this leg the "BE Active Tour" & it is supported by BikeSA. It's part of the course the professionals do before the pros come through. I did it last year & the crowd support was great...especially when they see a women as only 5% of riders in Aust are women. It was 150km. Really tough..34C (93.2F), humid, no wind. People were cramping up everywhere. This yr I'll miss it 'cause I'm doing the Alpine Classic which is on about the same time.
See what you've got to look forward to when you come back? It'll be fun sharing it with you.
Cheers, Yas :D

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Originally Posted by Trekhawk

Hey dont want people calling me Pimphawk.
:D :D

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Might have to. We all saw those Colnago Beauties you posted. :p :D ;)

And Yasmin, wouldn't dream of offering relationship advice to anyone, but {{{hugs}}} to ya.

Yasmin,

If we have time while driving to melbourne we may make a stop in Adelaide. We're leaving Perth on the 21st-(kalgoorlie overnight) & then taking it from there..would be cool to "talk"

c

Marriage is hard work. I've been married for 17 years (to the same guy), and we've had our share of ups and downs. We get on each other's nerves at times, but when all is said and done, we know we're there for each other. Yas, my husband is very dedicated to his job and some of his assignments have required him to work long hours, including weekends. There have been many times when I felt like I was low on his list of priorities. I guess you just have to have faith that although your husband's work is very important to him and takes a lot of his time, he loves you. It sounds like your marriage means a lot to both of you, so it almost certainly will be worth working on/making compromises/sticking it out. It is hard but in my experience, worth it. Try to have faith and have reasonable expectation. I've come to the realization that I won't change my husband, so I decided to accept it and be responsible for making sure I was content. In other words, I do my own thing when he's at work or brooding about work, etc. Sounds like you are finding ways to enjoy yourself, too (cycling). You can have a decent marriage and still have your own life/interests. There are things that, for me, are relationship breakers---infidelity, abuse, bad habits (drinking, drugs, gambling, etc), controlling---and I know I was lucky to find a guy whose bad points (dedication to work & obsession with U of MD football) are minor in the grand scheme of things. He's loyal, he loves me, he's got good character & ethics, and he lets me buy bikes! Believe me, after a few more years of being married, you'll savor your "private time" when he's off at work!! ;) There are Saturdays when I say "don't you have to go into the office?" haha