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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikerchick68
LOL you gals are SOOOOOo good for me! :D Thanks for the support.
Yeah "looking for my princess" is right up there with " knight in search of damsel in distress" -- GAG ME!!! :rolleyes:
Irulan - I almost spit my tea when I got to the "snot rocket"! :D Thanks for the belly laugh!
what On_yer_left! sez "Keep cycling, keep dating, keep having a great time despite people who can't or won't."
that way you're haveing a great time and meanwhile your legs keep looking better and better and....so when you meet the cyclist or non cyclist of your dreams....that theory works for me.
More than one, of both genders, will not do what interests them unless they have that special someone to do it with. Dull, boring, and uninteresting! That is not living life to its fullest.Quote:
Originally Posted by bikerchick68
More than one allows depression, blue feelings, low self-esteem, etc. to chronically dominate their minds without that special someone. They are defined by having a mate.
maybe THAT'S why we scare them off! LOL... I don't need a man in my life... I am self supporting, self sufficient... and please stay outta my way if I get a flat kind sir... I know you mean well, but I'm faster than you at changing it... no insult intended. :D
I want to find someone to do stuff with... but need is a whole different subject! ;)
Exactly!! We are quite awesome on our own thank-you. A suitable male would make a nice addition, but he is certainly "optional equipment". :DQuote:
Originally Posted by bikerchick68
My sentiments exactly
Plus we should all realise that unlike women in *some* cultures at least we *can* ride without suitable male escort and in activity-appropriate clothing
doctorfrau "Exactly!! We are quite awesome on our own thank-you. A suitable male would make a nice addition, but he is certainly "optional equipment". :D"
Trek shuffles off and finds the lyrics to the Malvina Reynolds song “We Don’t Need The Men” (1958). The second verse goes:
We don’t need the men,
We don’t need the men.
We don’t need to have ‘em around,
Except for now and then.
They can come to see us when they’re
Feeling pleasant and agreeable.
Otherwise they can stay at home and
Holler at the T.V. programs.
We don’t care about them,
We can do without them,
They’ll look cute in a bathing suit
On a billboard in Madagascar.....
there's also a verse about their being handy to have around when you need to move the piano, but I think we can do that too.
;) ;) just kidding to the guys lurking, you know we love ya' :)
OK ladies, there is a man at bikejournal looking for a good woman. Read The Joe Chronoicles - Chapter 2.
The world doesn't revolve around you, Professor Higgins!
-- Eliza Doolittle
OK, pdq, off to read Joe's thread.
Back, looks like he comes with a sense of humour, his own roadbike, a mowed lawn and best of all? He's big enough to provide a good draft. That was my #1 requirement in a husband, well, maybe not #1 but definitely on the list. :D
SK
there's also a thread there about two bikejournal'ists who tied the knot :D
Trek-gracefully-steps-outa-the-way-of-the-rush-of-women-running-off-singing-wheeeere-the-boys-are-420
yuppers - Cmac moves her own piano. OTOH: it sure would be nice to have someone around when I'm trying to hang wallpaper borders! ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Trek420
I'm with a great guy, but we don't have much together time. Actually, our marriage is under threat & has been for a while. He has the job from hell & little time for anything or anyone else (including himself). He's a neurosurgeon & obviously you can't rest on your laurels with that kind of pressure. All n/surg spouses experience the same thing, but I'm finding it hard going & very lonely. I should say we've only been married 3 1/2 yrs...first marriage for both & together for 5 1/2 yrs. No kids on either side & no family support here. He's 53 & I'm 49. I don't know if it ever gets any easier. He bought a bike but fell off within the first week & received a 100% dislocation of his right acromio-clavicular joint (lumpy bit at end of collar bone). Too dangerous for him to try again. If my marriage ends I don't think I'll bother anymore. I find that guys don't accomodate very well, they always expect us to do the accommodating. This is my third long term attempt (1st & only marriage) & it's always been me upturning my world for the guy. So when it ends guess who has to start from scratch again?. I'm too old for all of this.
Disillusioned & sad. Y.
Oh Yasmin this is such a sad message... It's okay to be a bit sad but don't be too disillusioned. I have nothing intelligent to say, but I do believe it's possible to find true, respectful, caring companionship, at any age. Whether your relationship with your husband works out somehow, or outside of it, I wish you the best.Quote:
Originally Posted by Yasmin
Big hug.
Thanks for the hug. When I re read it I realsed it is quite sad. Sorry, didn't mean to whinge. I know there are many who are worse off than me eg violence. He's never like that, only neglectful. It could be worse.Quote:
Originally Posted by Grog
Neglect is still pretty bad. I'm so sorry you are haveing a hard time, the professions are so hard to balance your life. Is there a Doctor in the house? Are there ways to find a balance? And does he see it as an issue? That's so important that he buys into working on it I think...not that I know anything about relationships ;-)
And what Grog sed. I have to believe it's possible to find true, respectful, caring companionship, at any age, or re-kindle it..I better. :::skips off to make a note to self, might not want to date a doctor::::
What made you fall in love with him in the foist place? That still there?
I know lots of medical professionals,and most of them do not have balance. It's a passion, a calling, a drive. I asked one ( a busy surgeon) about working less when he was complaining about the crazy hours... and the reply was that he didn't want to sacrifice any of the $$ to bringing another doc into the practice. So there are tradeoffs, I suppose. I know a few that only work 3/4/5 days a week but it's been a conscious choice to take control of their work and personal life.
(warning, major generalizations here)
I think as women we need to look at why we have a tendency to choose partners that aren't really available... whether they work too much, drink too much, play too much, afraid of intimacy or whatever. It's really hard to look at one self, and the part we play in our own choices, but if it's done sucessfully, looking at the roots of things within, it can be transformational in terms of getting what you really want out of life and relationships. Having a partner that is willing to look at thier half of the equation helps, though.
Yasmin - I'm not really sure what to say but just don't give up. I've been married 4 years and it's not always easy. But my hubby is the perfect person for me and we have our hard times and work through them. I'm a person who does not believe in divorce and am very saddened that it happens so often. I will be praying for you and your husband.
Yasmin,
The current theory that is generally accepted by the majority of marriage counselors is called Imago Therapy. I recommend the book by Harlin Hendricks, the inventor of imago. It's a little weird at first. But after you read the book, I suggest you try to find a therapist with imago training. You can find it online. It seems like your husband does not have time for weekly sessions. There is also something called imago weekends. You get intensive therapy over the course of 2 days. I have heard it is very good. I would imagine weekly therapy is better but I'm sure he gets a wekkend off once in a while!
It is a very positive approach to marriage issues. No bashing or badmouthing allowed. It hinges on improving communication and "getting the love you need" which I think is the title of the book.
Good luck.
Yasmin - Im sending hugs your way.
COMMUNICATION is the key to all relationships. In a perfect world we would all get to spend as much time as we wanted with our partners and family but in the real world this is not always possible. Quality time not quantity is what is important and trust me I know. My husband is a pilot in the military and away a lot, last year he went to the gulf for six months which was hard not only on me but on our children. We maintained email contact when we could and voiced any feeling we were having. Sometimes your partner may not be aware that there is even a problem they get so caught up in the pressures of work and if you dont communicate well they assume if nothing is said everything is fine.
Anyway I know each relationship is different but try to sit your husband down and tell him how you are feeling. Discuss what you and he want out of the relationship and remember that no marriage or relationship is perfect it is something that takes a lot of work and nuturing (from both sides) if you want it to blossom.
Thinking of you.
Leslie
Aw, Yasmin... I've been in your shoes... and I know how it hurts. I'm one of those people who got married with all the hopes and dreams of what could be... and yet it fell apart. I didn't believe in divorce either. When my marriage began to crumble, the ex and I went to counseling for months... but the reality is BOTH people have to want the marriage to succeed. If either lacks the commitment to make it work, then unfortunately the healthiest thing to do is end the marriage. Believe me, that's no easy decision. I stayed in an unhealthy marriage longer than I should have, because, 1) I didn't want to "give up", 2) I didn't want to fail and 3) I was scared, really scared to be alone again. In the end, even the counselor said we were trying to do CPR on a dead marriage. My ex was no longer committed to the relationship and really wasn't willing to be bothered even trying to recapture what brought us together in the first place. My ex is not a surgeon, but his work got in the way too. It and his friends were higher priority than his relationship with me...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you've exhausted all resources for keeping it healthy, sometimes you have to make the healthiest choice for yourself not for the relationship.
I really hope you and your husband will be able to renew the marriage... hugs... gawd, I hurt for you too... hugs from me too...
Also reflect that 'tis the season, around now the world seems full of happy families and couples and we all expect that. Especially if you're single or in a relationship that is struggeling, the holidays can be tough.
So I raise a glass of eggnog, or maybe cyteomax and (((hugs and a toast))) to all TE gals whether with/or without a SO/DH/DP.
Yasmin, I'm not saying that your pain isn't real, far from it. Reflecting that around now stuff sorta amplifies.
Be good to yourselves, it'll be Spring before long :cool:
Quote:
Originally Posted by doc
Imago counseling saved my marriage, only we didn't know it was called that!
"getting the love you want (need?)" was required reading, as was following certain scripts to teach us new ways of relating. It was some of the toughest things we've ever done together ( intense marriage work, both partners) , but we both beleive we have our dream marriage now. I'm of the belief that any marriage worth saving is worth making time for the hard work.
irulan
Thanks girls. I'm really touched by the care & advise that you all show. Last night DH & I had another talk. He does see there are problems, that we've grown apart. We went to a marriage councellor last week but won't be going again. The psychologist could see that we still had genuine feelings for each other but you're right Doc, he doesn't really have the time to attend sessions. Thanks for the book idea. I've downloaded the details. If we're not too far gone it may help. You're right too Irulan...I can see why I pick people who are unavailable. Dad left when I was 2 1/2 & mum had a mental illness (schizophrenia). Reads like a bad novel, doesn't it? Anyway, I can fit the pieces together & it makes sense. I've been working on myself for decades & thought I'd resolved most of the issues. There's always something going on in life, isn't there? Oh for the simplicity in life.
Your caring is invaluable to me. It's so nice to be able to open up here. It does feel a bit weird putting my life in print like this...I sense that DH wouldn't approve. I don't have any close "girl friends", so I really appreciate all of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yasmin
(tough girlfriend stance)
Honey, there is no such thing as "doesn't have time". Not enough time it total BS. It is a matter of choices: choosing to make the time or not. Otherwise known as, just how important is it? I don't know of any busy doc (or other professional) who can't tell the front office to leave a two hour window - no appointments- if it's important enough to them. Or, make time in the evenings. Or, make time in the early am. And there are plenty of helping professionals that keep goofy hours.
~I.
Thanks Irulan. This leopard isn't gonna change his spots any time soon.
Doctorfrau: What have I done to your light-hearted post? I seem to have changed the tone somewhat. Whoops!
my tough girlfriend stance comes from my own experience. Any individual can do all the counseling in the world on thier own issues, but when it comes to a partnership, it takes two. Guys do not like to do this kind of work, typically it's a rock bottom situation, not just a moment of introspection. I have the greatest guy in the world: when our marriage was headed pretty swiftly down the drain, he stepped up to the plate and pulled his share of the load to drag us out of the mess we'd made for ourselves. It was really tough going for a while, but we have no regrets.
also, I have a good friend who is a neurosurgeon who makes plenty of time for the things that they feel are important to themselves - while still working tons.
~I.
Hey Yasmin there is a pretty good chance that one day in the future we will be living back in Adelaide and if that happens Ill be sure to give you a call girl.Quote:
Originally Posted by Yasmin
Just thinking of Adelaide Im starting to feel hungry such yummy Cafes and Restaurants there. Its sounding better all the time, girl friend to ride with, chat with, eat yummy food with. Hmm sounds good to me. :) :)
Uh, Trekhawk? Could you put a comma between call and girl? I think you are saying that you want to give the girl a call not a paid-for-good-time. Well, maybe you are. Don't know you too well . . . :D
LOL - and I thought I had a naughtly mind. Sorry to clear that up I did mean a phone call to a girlfriend not the other. Hey dont want people calling me Pimphawk.Quote:
Originally Posted by SadieKate
:D :D
when our marriage was headed pretty swiftly down the drain, he stepped up to the plate and pulled his share of the load to drag us out of the mess we'd made for ourselves. It was really tough going for a while, but we have no regrets.
~I.[/QUOTE]
That's such a nice story, I.
As far as the too busy earning $'s thing, until 1 yr ago DH was a 100% public hospital doctor. In Australia that is very poorly paid. He's been 1/2 public & 1/2 private for a year. Unlike most of his colleagues he spent 9 years in the public system in Australia & 6 years in Ireland & the UK national health systems. He is not a big money earner & has too many morals to do unneccessary operations. These values are some of the reasons I married him.
Your husband sounds like he really loves you to have put the work in like that. I agree, guys don't like looking at the emotional stuff. More credit to him for doing so.
Trekhawk: That would be soooo cool if we could catch up here. You'd be blown away by the increase in cafe's & al fresco dining. Not to mention the cycling. The hills here are fantastic for that. Going to Lobethal is one of my favourite trips. It's safe (not many cars) & the scenery is breathtaking. I'll look forward to it.
PS- SadieKate: I wouldn't have minded any interpretation...callgirls are more honest in their lives than some other professions I could think of! ;)
Yasmin I use to live pretty close to Lobethal when we were living there last time. I love the Adelaide hills. Are they still doing the Lobethal lights at Xmas? We use to go and it would be the only traffic jam you would see for the year. Did you get to see the Downunder (is that its name now) bike race in the hills. I saw it one year when we were living there and fans had spray painted Go O'Grady on the roads all over the place. I wasnt riding when we lived there last time so riding the hills in SA would be a whole new experience for me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Yasmin
The are still doing the Lobethal lights at Christmas...just. The premier (Mike Rann) questioned stopping it because of "wasted" power (!). However, opposition against that idea won. However, power in SA is VERY expensive & not as many homes are doing it, but it's still good to see. Kids love it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Trekhawk
They call the race the "Tour Downunder", as opposed to the Tour De France.. Yes, I go every year & just love it. They have a section that anyone can ride. They call this leg the "BE Active Tour" & it is supported by BikeSA. It's part of the course the professionals do before the pros come through. I did it last year & the crowd support was great...especially when they see a women as only 5% of riders in Aust are women. It was 150km. Really tough..34C (93.2F), humid, no wind. People were cramping up everywhere. This yr I'll miss it 'cause I'm doing the Alpine Classic which is on about the same time.
See what you've got to look forward to when you come back? It'll be fun sharing it with you.
Cheers, Yas :D
Might have to. We all saw those Colnago Beauties you posted. :p :D ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Trekhawk
And Yasmin, wouldn't dream of offering relationship advice to anyone, but {{{hugs}}} to ya.
Yasmin,
If we have time while driving to melbourne we may make a stop in Adelaide. We're leaving Perth on the 21st-(kalgoorlie overnight) & then taking it from there..would be cool to "talk"
c
Marriage is hard work. I've been married for 17 years (to the same guy), and we've had our share of ups and downs. We get on each other's nerves at times, but when all is said and done, we know we're there for each other. Yas, my husband is very dedicated to his job and some of his assignments have required him to work long hours, including weekends. There have been many times when I felt like I was low on his list of priorities. I guess you just have to have faith that although your husband's work is very important to him and takes a lot of his time, he loves you. It sounds like your marriage means a lot to both of you, so it almost certainly will be worth working on/making compromises/sticking it out. It is hard but in my experience, worth it. Try to have faith and have reasonable expectation. I've come to the realization that I won't change my husband, so I decided to accept it and be responsible for making sure I was content. In other words, I do my own thing when he's at work or brooding about work, etc. Sounds like you are finding ways to enjoy yourself, too (cycling). You can have a decent marriage and still have your own life/interests. There are things that, for me, are relationship breakers---infidelity, abuse, bad habits (drinking, drugs, gambling, etc), controlling---and I know I was lucky to find a guy whose bad points (dedication to work & obsession with U of MD football) are minor in the grand scheme of things. He's loyal, he loves me, he's got good character & ethics, and he lets me buy bikes! Believe me, after a few more years of being married, you'll savor your "private time" when he's off at work!! ;) There are Saturdays when I say "don't you have to go into the office?" haha
Thanks Mickchic...I guess we both got married late in life & are both stuck in our ways. Thanks for sharing your story, it's helpful to know how others deal with/look at things. :)
That sounds good. As far as I know we should be in Adelaide over Christmas, although Steve's (DH) dad's health has been very bad & we might need to do a quick dash to Sydney. But so far, so good. I've just worked out how to send private emails, so hopefully it worked. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by crazycanuck
Quote:
Originally Posted by mickchick
Really good post. To sum it up, we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. We can adjust our attitude and reactions; we don't have to be a slave to reacting to what someone else does. We can take action to ensure that our needs are being met.
All your posts have been insightful, intellegent & caring. Your comments & feed-back have helped me a lot & I really appreciate that. It's not often that we can really be ourselves, but on this forum that's allowed. There's something special about the way women share feelings. Geez I'm glad I'm female. I think the guys really miss out by not having the same freedom to share feelings like we do. They're human too & I know they hurt inside just as bad sometimes. I feel lucky that I can share in this way. Thanks again. :)
Irulan & Suzanne...I can tell from your posts that you're both lovely people & I admire the way you seem to deal with life & it's issues. Go girls, all power to you! :D
I met my honey online, and our first date was a bike ride, then dinner afterward. Almost a year later (just last week), he just proposed, after a bike ride, and dinner at the same resturant. He does Triathalons, I don't run, but we ride together a lot.
We both agree that riding is important to us, and it is important to us to have a partner who "gets it".
On our second date I asked him for his view on politics, religion and a woman's right to choose. Since we were compatible in these areas and bikes, I thought he was perhaps a keeper.
Just last night he told me he could see through the shorts I was wearing, and that I had them on for our first date as well....