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That's a really good point and something I need to be more mindful of while biking, too. When I am hungry and tired I get sorta tunnel-visioned and only can concentrate on getting home for a snack when I need to be thinking about my safety, not my belly. All the more reason to stash an energy bar in my seatbag for "emergencies."Quote:
Originally Posted by tulip
Completely agree. Hungry and tired is what made me wreck back in July. I'd lost my sports drink bottle on a drop on our first lap around the trail - the second lap was primarily to look for it! (never found it). Going on 4 hours with just water and a mini lara bar was not enough.
Hope Nell is recovering well and you're hanging tough yourself! I had a semi go around me like that once in a car - I'd turned my blinker on at the top of a hill, knowing he was behind me and he'd need time to slow down. Thank goodness I checked my mirror before I turned left at the bottom, b/c he was passing me instead. Caution gained after an experience like that is a lifelong lesson, but it took awhile for the paranoia to subside.
YIKES:eek:
Sending wishes to your daughter for a speedy recovery.
hugs to your whole family. Sounds like your daughter is doing great
Thanks all, the latest round of well-wishes came at a great time for me as I just woke up from a bad dream (an actual dream, not the real nightmare) that left me feeling kind of low again.
Nell is doing great. We think she'll be in school later this week. We even thought maybe a half-day yesterday, but she (wisely) took a 3 hour nap instead. She's eager to be back with her friends and she is sure getting bored. She hasn't looked at her homework yet, and I've told her she has to do that before I let her go back to school, so that I know she can do something mentally fatiguing.
As she is getting better I'm more able to focus on myself and realize for the first time that I'm not actually fine. Yesterday the screaming in my head stopped at last! (For several days whenever I closed my eyes I endlessly replayed my own screaming.) I felt so calm and peaceful that I finally quit cleaning like a maniac and felt very lethargic. I even took a short nap at the same time she did.
I could tell I was feeling down in the evening so I did some yoga, and this is kind of weird: "Warrior II" reminded me of my left turn signal and suddenly I was replaying the entire thing again. It was so strong & vivid it left me with that bitter taste & nausea. So much for yoga!
I know I'm going to be ok, give myself time, these things will stop, and get back into a normal routine sooner than later--and get back on my bike too. My parents are coming up this weekend and I told my dad to bring his bike. We're going biking no matter how cold it is, just to get me back on my bike. I dread getting on my bike by myself, and forget about biking on the road where it happened (in front of our house), but I am really looking forward to going for a ride with my dad.
Mel - good idea about getting back on the bike as soon as you feel comfortable. So sorry about the accident and am glad to hear that Nell is doing well. Give yourself time to get over this shocking incident ... ease into your routine. You've got your well wishers from TE behind you girl.
Hugs to both of you. I'm so glad your daughter's feeling better.
I strongly second Crankin's recommendation to talk with someone about it, just a few sessions. If that isn't feasible, journal, journal, journal. Process the feelings so you're not still dealing with them to this extent months from now.
Mel, I am sorry the yoga evoked those thoughts. That's why yoga is actually a system of therapy to process trauma; trouble is, that sometimes when the stuff is so vivid, someone should be there with you to talk about it at the same time.
It sounds like things are moving toward recovery.
Processing trauma takes as long as it takes. You can count on me (and I'm sure everyone else here) for the long haul.Quote:
Originally Posted by Melalvai
I'm so glad you are able to share some of this -- it does help, and it does sound like everyone is moving toward healing. I hope you enjoy riding with your dad.
I'm sorry yoga wasn't more of a comfort to you,hopefully you can find something else to help. Maybe it will be a ride with your dad,just hang in there. I'm glad your daughter is doing so well,kids are amazingly resilient. You will get through this it just will take time (sigh) sending good thoughts to you
Yesterday I went for a jog and it was GREAT. I saw 2 deer. I felt really good during & after the jog. Then I talked to the director of the Fitness Center about bicycle advocacy stuff and that was really good too.
Today I went for a swim. That didn't go so well. I did get into the "zone" but it wasn't a good zone. I got really really angry. When I realized that, I tried to re-direct my thoughts, eventually gave up and got out of the pool. But I went on to have a (comparatively) productive day after that.
It felt really, really weird to drive to the gym, and to drive to the pool. (2 miles & 3 miles)
Yesterday Nell tackled homework for the first time. She got annoyed with the tedious math matrices so she spent an hour programming her calculator to do it (it probably would have taken 20 minutes to do the whole assignment by hand). Because of the wreck she's behind on her NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and she wrote about 2000 words for that. So obviously she can handle mentally fatiguing activity!
She went back to school at lunchtime today! Her shoulder hurts so I carried her very heavy backpack to her locker. I followed her like her packhorse through the halls and saw her greet a kid here and there, and then a whole chorus of "Nell!" just like in Cheers when Norm walks in the bar. I expected her to be exhausted at home, because even yesterday she got really tired around 7 pm, but she's not. She came home and wrote another 2000 words.
So she's doing better, and I'm doing better, and no one had nightmares last night. My husband who is the calm pillar of strength through all of this is finally starting to show some signs of stress. He's not sleeping so well and he's very, very tired. And a fair bit irritable. I'm keeping an eye on him...he's coping with it his way, by watching star trek marathons.
My parents will be here in a couple hours. I am really looking forward to their visit.
Any chance you can get your daughter a small rolling suitcase/briefcase for her books? Better than backpacks, particularly when injured.
I suggested it to her and she pointed out that it wouldn't fit in her very small locker. Oh well.Quote:
Originally Posted by tulip
She's doing really well. She's had 2 full days of school. I've biked to work, I'm getting better too. Her daddy...has watched a lot of tv. That's how he copes with things! The cats sleep on us. And the young one chews on our hands. (But not on her broken pinkie.) That's how they cope. :)
I am not a pessimist, I am a realist, and the few times I display some optimism it generally gets shot down. Like the time I was 90% sure I was going to get a job offer and didn't. Or this time, when MoDOT and City Council were being so cooperative about the possibility of changing the speed limit on our road.
MoDOT said they'd do a traffic study. The MoDOT engineer called me yesterday. He was super nice. I mean he called me personally instead of making me track him down. And he was really nice on the phone. But the result is-- cars drive 55 mph in the 55 mph zone and therefore they aren't going to change the speed limit.
I am astounded at this logic. Remember when the interstate speed limit was lifted and Montana had no speed limits? People drove 100+ mph and the highway fatalities skyrocketed and Montana eventually imposed speed limits again. People are lulled into thinking that it is safe to drive 55 mph because that is the posted speed limit. This is how speed limits are determined? By the average driver?? I thought there was something more to it, something involving experts and analyses, not 100 people whose only credential is a driver's license (if that).
As nice as he is, if it had been his daughter on that bicycle...
Well, it's a blow, because I really thought with everyone being so kind and cooperative that it was going to happen. But it's not over yet. Only I was so upset that I'm going to wait a few days before I look into the next step.
Wow! Not sure how I missed this thread. Melalvia, I hope you and your daughter continue to improve and can recover, mentally and physically, from the accident.
Can you and your neighbors go to a City Council meeting about lowering the speed limit on the road? Is it a city owned road or a county owned - who actually has the responsibility to set the limit? Seems to me, if the cyclists, runners, and walkers that use the road and the shoulders remain silent, then nothing will get done. I'm going with the squeeky wheel logic here. If a group of you show up at a council meeting and voice your joined concerns, then maybe the limit could get lowered.
I find it surprising that a residential area would have a speed limit of 55mph. From the driving that I've done in the UK it seems common that residential roads have a limit of 20, 30 or 40 depending on the density of the housing and whether or not there's a school nearby. I think there might be a very occasional 50 if it's an isolated house, but generally housing results in a lower speed limit.
I hope they reconsider their position.
I talked to both city council and MoDOT. The 55 mph zone crosses the city boundary. City told me to talk to MoDOT and that MoDOT would make a recommendation to City. MoDOT told me they'd do a traffic study. They did the traffic study and made the recommendation--keep the speed limit 55.
The stretch we live on is not a residential street. It's a state highway that is in an urban-rural transition zone. But it is heavily used by cyclists & joggers. In fact cyclists were 2nd on the scene.
Nell is fully recovered and after this weekend she'll be completely caught up on schoolwork. She has 2 more follow up doctor's visits but she has already been cleared to resume all activities.
I'm getting better. More on that later.
Yesterday was my first visit with the counselor. I knew I had super high hopes, if not expectations, going in and was likely to be disappointed. My first impressions confirmed this. The building has a "for sale" sign out front (presumably the clinic is renting), the office is a bit shabby and not overly clean. No one was at the desk and the counselor came out and explained they were all out smoking. This is harsh, unfair, not nice but I'm just reporting my first impressions-- the counselor is an overweight smoker and I thought "SHE's supposed to be able to help ME?" (Later I thought maybe she does know something about overcoming problems, perhaps she's already overcome other, less visible problems.) Worst of all, she started off by saying that my reaction was perfectly normal, it will take time and can't be rushed and there's really nothing I can do.
Then why am I here? I was ready to get up and leave and only politeness kept me from walking out. She even mentioned anxiety pills! I KNEW she would which is why I had been trying to find a counselor that anyone knew anything about. I don't need a drug pusher. I made it perfectly clear that I'm not interested in pills.
Finally she said something about relaxation exercises and I asked for more information about that. Things started to improve at this point.
1. Positive cognition. (It annoys me that scientists have to use big words. What's wrong with "positive thoughts"?) We believe what we tell ourselves. There was something about eating grasshoppers. Three times a day, I'm supposed to repeat "I'm safe" 10 times. (Actually the grasshopper story was encouraging, because from here on out she started talking about actual studies. Because of my science background I respond well to citations of studies.) Furthermore, I can use this technique to interrupt a flashback or anxiety attack.
2. Journaling. I asked "What should I write about?" because I write a lot daily. I keep a blog for instance & I've shared a lot on here. She said, write about my feelings about the wreck, or whatever my strongest emotion was that day. That was a relief because I don't like to think about the wreck, and I don't want to write about it. I'm supposed to journal three times a week for at least 15 min.
3. There's some technique, I didn't catch the name, supposed to help process the memories and get them out of the front of my mind and into long term storage where they belong. It involves remembering the wreck, and I don't like to think about the wreck, so I'm not looking forward to this.
The last thing she mentioned was that my guilt is feeding into the flashbacks & anxiety attacks. That sure hit home. I don't quite understand though. She claims my guilt feelings are irrational and have no basis. Well, many factors contribute to any wreck, and I was one of the factors for this wreck. That's a logical fact.
While my first impressions weren't good, it got better after that, and upon reflection I'm positively inclined toward her. So long as she doesn't try to push drugs.
PM coming...
Over the break I used the positive cognition a LOT. I walked & ran a lot, and I got a little of that anxiety when cars overtook me, so I used the mantra "I am safe, I am loved" when I got that anxiety. I also practiced it at bedtime and waking up.
On Monday I decided to ride to the pool. I pretended like it was no big deal. By that I mean that I frantically thought about anything else in the world besides the fact that I was getting on my bike for the first time in a month. Right away there was an overtaking vehicle and the anxiety came on just as strong as before. It took my breath away nearly. Then I remembered what I was supposed to do, use the mantra, and doing it distracted me from the anxiety.
Having practiced it so much with walking & running really paid off. After that first big wave of anxiety, I haven't had another like that, just little bits of it which are easily fended off. And in between I'm enjoying riding, because I got monkey lights for Christmas and they are BEAUTIFUL, and the sunset tonight had a stream of pink light shooting up through a cloud which was beautiful. And a (an?) opossum ran away from me.
The other thing was flashbacks, and I haven't had nearly as many of those. I did have one on my bike and I was able to think back and figure out what triggered it--it was just a big mack truck that had kind of resembled a fire truck. Silly. Anyway when I caught myself in the flashback I went back to the mantra.
As far as journaling, I've found that difficult, which is odd because I love to write (and talk) and I've kept a journal in the past with no difficulty. The reluctance is because I know I ought to write about the wreck and I still don't want to think about it. But one day I wrote about a topic that peripherally touched on an aspect of the wreck, and I got really angry again at the officer who didn't give anyone a ticket. My heart was pounding and my face was hot, I was so angry. I put the journal away immediately. Then a few days later when I came back to it--I wasn't angry at him anymore.
I've biked every day this week. I am hesitant to say I'm back on the bike, because I thought I was before, but it's looking good.
I had my second appointment with her today. I hadn't been sure I'd go back to her, because I wasn't totally impressed, but her 2 suggestions had been very helpful so I was willing to go. I was a little leery of the 3rd suggestion, because I don't want to remember the wreck at all. But she said I was doing very well and didn't need to come back, in fact it was only a half session today. So I don't have to do the remembering the wreck.
Not sure how I feel about that. She's taking my word for it that I'm ok, and I don't know that I trust my judgment. She did say that I might improve steadily for a while and then have some days that get worse, but overall I'll probably continue to improve. And that if it turns out that isn't going so well to give her a call.
She also said at some point well after this (like after this wreck is well behind me) I should probably investigate my feelings about the car wrecks that have killed my little cousin & a classmate here & there, because she thinks I took up bicycling as a way to have control over those fatal wrecks.
Even if I have to stop again at some point, it's good to be riding my bike for now.
Glad the mantra is working.
However... I find it a bit strange she terminated with you after 1.5 sessions. Even if she really believes what you feel and say, this is not usual practice. At the least, you would schedule a final session, to wrap up and process what has happened in your sessions. It's good that she left the door open, so to speak, but even if things are going well, it seems like she would want to check in with you in 2 weeks or a month. Things like flashbacks and intrusive thoughts don't go away so quickly.
Just my opinion.
oh wow, talk about being in a daze!! I missed this completely. I'm glad that your daughter's okay and that you're getting counseling!
I think people take for granted that a shock to the system takes a long time to sort through.
I was hit as a pedestrian in a crosswalk. Thankfully I only got away with major bruising to my hip, but I'm always paranoid crossing the street now. But preoccupation is so deadly - almost the exact same thing happened to me last week while crossing the street. 100% right of way but some loser shot through to turn left. Probably didn't even bother to look for pedestrians. I was fiddling around with my thumb holes in my sleeves as it was raining and then *whoosh* and *honk!*
The car I walked past and waiting at the light saw all this and honked at me to warn me. It startled me to no end but the loser speeding through a left missed me by a couple of inches. He was going like stink, too, so had I made contact, I would've been a whole lot worse than a bruised hip.
People are in such a rush these days, but it's always so so important to be aware of what's going on around you and not assuming that you're safe just because you have the right of way.
sorry it's kinda turned into my own rant. But I'm really glad you're getting the help to move on!
One of my personal biking mantras I say to myself in traffic is:Quote:
Originally Posted by badger
Just because I am supposed to have the right of way doesn't mean others are going to give it to me.
I mean, who always 'wins' in car vs. bicycle collisions? Frankly, having had the right of way doesn't really matter when you're dead. :( These are just things I keep in mind when i'm biking. I always assume drivers are going to do the wrong thing. When they do the right thing it's a pleasant surprise.
badger, I had that reaction a couple days ago when an SUV ran a stop sign. She slowed down but didn't look and went right on through! I was already in the intersection when she approached it. (Not that it is such a huge intersection--I was moving slowly because of road conditions.) So I couldn't have done anything if it had occurred to me that she might not stop.
It just took me by surprise. Even though once or twice I've had similar experiences, they are rare enough that I forget them in the interim and I just expect people to stop at stop signs, because they always do.
It could have happened just as easily if I'd been in a car instead of on a bike. I suppose the same is true of her--only her SUV is so much more deadly than a bike!!
I'm so sorry that you are going though all this. It's been a while since your last post here on this thread and I wondered how things were going for you. I've been in a similar situation and felt many of the same emotions.
Thanks, RidingBuddy. I'm not yet quite the confident cyclist I was pre-wreck, but I've heard 6-12 months so I'm ok with being easily frightened for a while yet. There was a truck roaring up behind me, with oncoming traffic, and I knew I ought to take the lane to give it no chance of trying to squeeze past me, but I just couldn't do it. I drove off the road instead.
My daughter biked to school for the first time since the wreck. The hold up has been the weather, not so much her nervousness, although she was nervous on this first ride. I posted it here but that's a long thread so I'll re-post:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melalvai
Oh, so good to hear a good experience. I know you are a super experienced and educated cyclist, so I know you will find ways to process through this. I found that I have become a different cyclist because of my traumatic experiences. There are times when I use my traffic skills more boldly, other times where I defer to traffic.
I would say that 6 to 12 months will help with the trauma. It probably wont ever go away, but it will get easier.
this past year (and it's been several years ago) I had a particularly bad flashback, because I was in a very similar situation. I was really mad at myself for reacting, but I've since learned to accept that flashbacks will happen, just to be prepared for them and try to ride them out.
Take care!!