Girls, I need your help! Emergency...

GLC said:

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It seemed like when I'd finally found the right guy and made my commitment, all the others came out of the woodwork with 'what could have beens'. I enjoyed all that communication and I enjoyed knowing the 'reasons' behind things. It all just served to confirm that I was making the right choice and it just futhered my commitment to my future husband.

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How weird...that is the same thing that happened to me, with the same result. :) It was so wonderful to be completely sure of what I wanted.

Karen

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Originally Posted by Crankin

To him, it is.
I am sure many of us have had relationship crises that totally have taken over our lives. Even though men are portrayed as not having these feelings, in reality, this happens to everyone.
I think he is honestly seeking advice from women, who he views as open and accepting. Yes, as Lisa says, it would to get advice from those closer to him, but how many of us have come to TE to ask this type of personal question?
Celery, let us know what happens.

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Yes, Celery, please do.

That's the rule, you know. In exchange for advice, you have to let us know what happened! ;)

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Originally Posted by Tuckervill

GLC said:


How weird...that is the same thing that happened to me, with the same result. :) It was so wonderful to be completely sure of what I wanted.

Karen

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That is weird. And I also got engaged about this time (June 22nd, actually) but 7 years ago. How do the ex's know? Spooky! :)

OK, I just sat here and read this whole thread. My opinion of what I was going to answer is unchanged.

Straight up...

You tell her.

Pour your gutts out from the heart with everything you have told us right here. If your soul says cry. Do it. Hold nothing back. *Including* what your "head" logically tells you to do also as you have posted.

No regrets, my friend.

Why?

Story for you...

Btw, I hate these kinda stupid chain emails you get from friends to forward etc. This latest one I played along and answered. It was a "get to know your friends better game". Fill in the blank, forward your answers, next buddy reads, adds their own, repeat.

Here was a striking question: "What are you most afraid of?"
My reply: "Dieing with regret".

As part of my professional background in healthcare, I literally DID watch people die with regret. It's difficult to even find words to describe the depth of that experience.

If she doesn't want to see you, hear it, etc. That is it. You tried. If so, you do what I said earlier.

If she is meant to truly marry this man she is engaged to... what you have to say will not change that.

The outcome is unforeseen.

Lastly...
FWIW, when I personally was in this same situation, a wise friend said "to chance is to live". With that, I bared my soul. It did not change the outcome. But I will not die with regret and eternally wonder "what if"... so, regardless of outcome, I'm at peace.

Good Luck!
Miranda

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Originally Posted by Miranda

OK, I just sat here and read this whole thread. My opinion of what I was going to answer is unchanged.

Straight up...

You tell her.

Pour your gutts out from the heart with everything you have told us right here. If your soul says cry. Do it. Hold nothing back. *Including* what your "head" logically tells you to do also as you have posted.
Miranda

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Absolutely the best advice! I cannot agree more. Live the fullest, don't take excuses, don't hold back. Do it. At least you will know for once and all!

Martina

I have to be honest and say that I think we have beat this issue dead! It does NOT mean that I don't understand the feelings of Celery . I do think that we all want to offer suggestions and encouragement, but the reality of the situation is that we don't don't know the entire situation and we also don't know Celery.( and he doesn't know us either)

I am trying very hard not to be judgemental, but I too, think it's strange for a man to go on a womans forum and ask for personal advice/suggestions. Those things normally are reserved for family, friends, coworkers etc...There are times that we all need a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk with, but this forum is NOT set up for those issues.

Celery, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do, but can we please leave all of this with you and the people that are the closest to you?

Buddy...you've heard a very clear pattern here...the only difference is my response is coming from a man. You are fine tuning all the good advice with "well but....s" because it's not what you want to hear...and frankly, I'm a bit suspicious of the whole post.

But, if you're being true and sincere with the seeking of advice, here's what I have to say:

1) Fact is that it seems like you messed up two years ago...she's moved on, you haven't.

2) You were selfish then and you're being selfish to interject yourself back into her life.

Move on and leave her alone...you had your chance and blew it...and please spare us the chance of "spilling the beans"

well, it's done...

first off, i guess i should apologize to some TE members. it seems i've ruffled a few feathers by asking for personal advice. i do understand. it is odd asking complete strangers for advice. however, i actually like advice from complete strangers because there's a chance that it's more objective. i did ask some friends what i should do...however, i don't have many female friends, most of my friends are male...and they offered some stereotypical male advice..ie "dude, f her...you don't need her...get over it, it's been years...lets to get you laid". and there's some validity to what they say...and they mean well, they just want me to find happiness. the only family i have is my mom...and she thought this particular ex was no good for me anyway...however, i think she was wrong about that...so her opinion is HIGHLY subjective.

anyway...that's the story of me reaching out to the gals of TE for relatively objective advice.

as to what happened...

i really had no plan when i called her...i still hadn't decided what to do. i just figured i'd play it by ear. so i called her. and it was so wonderful to even just hear her voice. and actually, we just chit chatted for bit. eventually...we started to talk about all the things that went wrong between us, why things went the way they did. it was difficult. there were lots of tears...lots of crying for both of us. she told her perspective and perception of what happened...which all came as a shock to me. towards the end, i guess she was so very unhappy being with me...and that came as a surprise, actually. not totally...i mean, i actually tried to create a bad atmosphere between us so that it wouldn't seem like our breakup come totally out of the blue when i end our relationship. but still...i didn't know she was unhappy with us. and she said she thought i just didn't care about her. and i let her know the truth about why i ended it. and that i loved her the entire time...it never waned. i told her how much i cared for her...and how much i still care for...i apologized for everything. i expressed my opinion that i had made a terrible mistake...and i told her all my regrets. and she expressed how she wishes things could have turned out differently. there were a lot of things said...and it all seems like a blur. we talked for about an hour and a half...until she had to go before her fiancee got home.

she said she really wished we could keep in touch...but i finished her sentence by saying it wouldn't be fair or right with regard to her fiancee. and she agreed. and we both said this will most likely be the last time we ever speak or correspond. and we both cried...or cried more, as we were both in tears for most of the hour and half we talked. she told me she still thinks about me every day, every single day. she told me that i'll always have place in her heart. i told her the same.

in the end...i never told her i still love her, even though i do. i never asked for another chance. i never asked for her back. i never asked her to meet me even though i was seconds away from her (she had no idea i was literally seconds away to attend a friends fundraiser). earlier in the conversation, she told me a tiny bit about her fiancee. and...maybe she is conflicted...i'm pretty certain she's conflicted...but i could tell her fiancee is someone that can make her happy. and i'm sure he is more deserving of shawna than i am.

i'm actually sobbing right now as i type this. yeah...i'm pretty pathetic...

i wish i could have another chance...i wish i could have asked her for another chance. but in the moment...it just didn't seem right. we indulged in some reflection...clarified some of what happened...expressed our mutual continued caring for one another...wished each other the best. and i expressed how happy i was for her to have found someone deserving of her love.

i'm still not over her. and it was bizarre...i'm not certain she's over me. it broke my heart to hear her tell me how much she still cares for me...and how she thinks about me every day...and to hear her crying. it broke my heart beause by that time in the conversation, i'd already made up my mind that the best thing for us would for me to avoid trying to break up her and her fiancee.

it's been about 5-6 hours since we talked. i feel heartbroken...but i think i sense some peace as well. despite her conflictedness, i heard enough to know that her fiancee can make her happy. he's not a bad guy...he's a good guy. and that is a relief to me. because she deserves happiness. besides, i don't deserve her. i'm an idiot.

anyway...that's that. now i have to figure out how to really get over her. wish me luck with that...that's where i'll really need your well wishes! :(

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

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Originally Posted by shootingstar

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

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i'm a little buzzed right now...it's helping a little...

yeah, booze. that will help.
32... the new 22

I'm being awfully nice this evening.:rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

yeah, booze. that will help.
32... the new 22

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i was being facetious. i had one beer at a friends fund raising event before i came home.

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Originally Posted by Zen

I'm being awfully nice this evening.:rolleyes:

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you know, you don't have to make snide comments. you don't give a ****...and i understand that...why would you give a ****? i'm no one to you. and yes, i understand you believe none of his is very urgent or important. but it is to me...and i'm doing the best i can...i sought the advice of friends, my mom, and TE...i spoke with my ex...did what i did, said what i said. there's not friggin manual for stuff like this...i didn't know what to do or say...i didn't realized it would be such a faux pas to seek advice of strangers.

if it annoyes you so much, go read threads that actually interest you...instead of making someone that feels like crap feel even worse. that's just mean spirited.

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Originally Posted by shootingstar

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

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+1

shootingstar... all I can say to that is: you rock:D.

Seriously...that's one of the benefits I enjoy from pedaling: helps to work stuff out in your head and heart. Just stay alert of traffic while doing it:cool:.

OK, Celery...

I for one, am glad the two of you talked. It sounds like she had some "working of things out" to do in her own head. Otherwise, she would have never texted you back, talked on the phone, etc.

I personally find those kind of encounters cleansing.

On the being heart-broken pain... well, here is the thing about that... goes with what my wise friend said on "to live is to chance"...

If we did not have pain in our life / bodies etc., as a reference point, how would we know the difference of what "good" things felt like?

With my pedaling, I like music. It cleanses my soul as well. Be it in spin class, or the right ear bud only on my iPod outside riding. Here's a song for you, man...

"Maybe We Are Not Meant To Be" by Theory Of A Deadman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_knXdRfXd4

Btw, I don't watch/care for music vids; You-Tube is just a way to get the actual tune etc.

Best Wishes,
Miranda

Oh my. There is so much I could write on this, but I'll stick to this: don't mistake fond memories, longing, loneliness, infatuation or desire with love. Been there, done that.

Love is something that grows and is nurtured every day you spend with a person, it's shared history, empathy and a continuous commitment. In my opinion you don't know that you still love her. You know that you once loved her, you split up badly and regret that, and you think you could love her again given that the chance was there. It's not. She has a fiance.

And forget the one-true-love stuff. The love of your life is the one you choose to commit to, and who will and can commit equally to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I truly wish you the best! I'm a romantic at heart too, but I'm happily "married" going on 16 years now for much more important reasons than romance.

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Originally Posted by lph

Oh my. There is so much I could write on this, but I'll stick to this: don't mistake fond memories, longing, loneliness, infatuation or desire with love. Been there, done that.

Love is something that grows and is nurtured every day you spend with a person, it's shared history, empathy and a continuous commitment. In my opinion you don't know that you still love her. You know that you once loved her, you split up badly and regret that, and you think you could love her again given that the chance was there. It's not. She has a fiance.

And forget the one-true-love stuff. The love of your life is the one you choose to commit to, and who will and can commit equally to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I truly wish you the best! I'm a romantic at heart too, but I'm happily "married" going on 16 years now for much more important reasons than romance.

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Well put, lph. As someone who finally met someone I'm ready to commit to for what I hope is the rest of my life, I can finally appreciate the difference between what I have with him and what I had (or didn't have) with the also-rans.

Celery, I do really hope that you find some peace with this. Nurse your wounds for a while, but at some point decide that it's time to move forward, hopefully in anticipation of the very real possibility that there is a relationship in your future that will exceed whatever you had, or think you had, with Shawna.

And if she really is conflicted and decides to break off her engagement, my best advice is to let her sort out all of those feelings and clean up the inevitable mess BEFORE getting involved with her again. Let her get right with herself first.

Every day will get a teeny smidge of a bit better, until one day you realize an hour went by without thinking of her. Trust me, there will be another great girl when you least expect her. Until then, go have fun. It will get easier.

I've been reading, but haven't commented until now. I wanted to wait and see what you decided to do. I just knew you'd talk to her and tell her all you needed to- you had to do it. I'm glad you got it all off your chest. It can be cathartic to unload what's been bothering you, and since she expressed some of the same feelings; perhaps you can both put the past away and move onward with your lives.
I don't think you're pathetic for crying/having emotions. I think you're a human who loved and was heartbroken. I feel your pain.

Just when you think you may never love again, you may find the woman you want to be with forever. I'd been through a bunch of crazy/crappy relationships and swore off men for a year to clear my head and be alone. A couple months later I met my DH and we've been together almost 14 years.

There's someone out there for you, but until you find her, let S go and love yourself. Hugs!

And there's nothing wrong with having a drink to cool the nerves. There were MANY days this last school year that I'd come home, have a glass of wine and relax from an extremely stressful day (just so long as I don't do it every day). Bike rides are good, too, but sometimes I'm too wound up to ride my bike and have the attention/focus that I need to on my bike. :)

Yesterday, she told me that ever since Michael Jackson passed, she keeps seeing the music video for "You Are Not Alone"...and she thinks of me and cries every time she see's it. She's been telling her fiance that she's just having a female moment...and he doesn't question it. lol Other funny thing is...neither of us are really Michael Jackson fans. Anyway, I just watched the video on youtube as I'm not familiar with the song...

*************************
Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...
*************************

God, this is hard. I've never been in this place or state over other girls I've dumped or been dumped by. This one's been beyond hard. I just wish she wasn't engaged...

Celery,

I just read through this all. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I've been there a few too many times. It's nice you had a chance to apologize and resolve some feelings for both of you. You will move on. Eventually. Will you stop holding a place for her in your heart? No. Will the regret go away? Maybe not, but it gets better with time. As my mom told me, it's amazing our capacity for love- it can always grow to include new people. I think we love different people in different ways, as much as I used to be a 'true love' disciple. The person you end up with depends on willingness to commit to act lovingly to them forever. That could be a different person at a different time in your life if you and she were both ready then. But you weren't. And that's okay. You will find someone's who's ready with you and be a stronger partner to her from this experience.

MO

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Originally Posted by celerystalksme

actually, i've played it out in my head a zillion times last night and in my dreams. to be honest, the only conclusion i can realistically envision is me baring my soul...her baring her soul...and her going forth in her new direction, with a man that to be honest probably deserves her more than myself. and then i just shrivel up and die in a hole.

and despite that, my desire is to lay it all out on the table...why things went the way they did, what i was thinking, why i made the decision that i did, the regret and sorrow i still hold, etc.

i do love her still. and yeah, maybe in some crazy dream world, we'd get back together live out our lives with each other. but really...maybe what i'd like is some closure as well, if nothing more.

i don't know. i guess...i mean, honestly...i mean, of course i'd like to be happy, and i feel like i gave up happiness when i ended our relationship...but i genuinely honestly don't care if i hurt as long as she's found peace. if we both say our peace and she chooses her new life, i'll experience heartbreak all over again...and that's ok! believe it not, there will be part of me overjoyed for her, that she's been able to find someone so special. but i definitely would prefer that we both said all we want to say. and i guess...i hope that's not really as selfish as it seems to me sometimes.

ugh...

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You know what else I learned over the years? I learned that there are a lot of people in this world who can make me happy.

Yes each person is special and unique... but someone else can also be wonderful and give you the same joy, although be it in a different way, that someone else once did.

When you open yourself up to understanding and loving someone else, you will see that... even though she was great... someone else can be just as great... and sometimes better.

I have dated a lot of men (not slept with all of them ladies)... I have been married... and am currently in a 5 year relationship (boyfriend). While I have loved many people... and they were all generally different... other than the @ssholes I have found joy and happiness with ALL of them.

Move on. You WILL find someone else just as wonderful.

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Originally Posted by Irulan

Dude, you really need quit talking to everyone you know plus anonymous strangers on the internet, and get some professional counseling to help you over this.

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geez, it's not like i'm suicidal...

it's been 2 years, maybe a tiny bit less...i've dated several girls, i've been on and off the market since...and yeah, so far, epic fail. i feel like i let the best one get away. i regret it. i wish i could have another shot. and it TOTALLY threw me for a loop when she left that tearful voicemail. that's what has me all messed up. until that voicemail i got the other day...i would have told you i was almost over her. i'd still think about her when i saw or heard something that would trigger a memory...but the urge to contact her was very very rare, maybe once every six months or less...

funny thing is...this girl was supposed to be the rebound girl of a different girl that broke my heart. turns out the rebound girl was so much more than the girl before her. and what do i do? i break her heart. (and mine.)

i'm so dumb...maybe i'm just bad at relationships...

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Originally Posted by Irulan

Priceless.

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Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

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Originally Posted by indysteel

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

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i just googled my own name. so you guys are gonna make judgements about me based on posts i made on some other relationship forums three years ago about a different girl that i later found out ended up cheating on me?

have fun with that.

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Originally Posted by indysteel

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

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I'd say not a troll but this is an ongoing pattern. On *many* different forums. Depends on how deep you dig.

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Originally Posted by indysteel

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

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+1 Yeah, so he's on some dating sites...

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Originally Posted by Irulan

No, but you obviously have boundary issues and that's a great place to start with counseling.

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boundary issues! what is that? what does that mean? when i was speaking to my ex yesterday she mentioned that she had boundary issues. she confessed to looking for my profile on dating site just to see if i was single or not. is that a boundary issue for her? and what's the boundary issue for me? is posting person questions on the internet? is it something else? and is it...bad?

i couldn't afford a therapist! i'm going to have to use some psychiatric version of webmd or something!

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Originally Posted by mayanorange

+1 Yeah, so he's on some dating sites...

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of course i am! i'm single...i'm trying to meet people. i THOUGHT i was either over or nearly over my ex until she leaves the tearful message on my voicemail the other day...and then i felt like i was back at square one.

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Originally Posted by celerystalksme

of course i am! i'm single...i'm trying to meet people. i THOUGHT i was either over or nearly over my ex until she leaves the tearful message on my voicemail the other day...and then i felt like i was back at square one.

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I meant that as a 'who cares' btw.

There's plenty of personal threads started by people here on TE, and certain ones devolve into beating down the OP. Not always sure why. I'm outta this one.

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Originally Posted by BleeckerSt_Girl

Like I said. :rolleyes:

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a men's forum would say

"get drunk, get laid, get over it'

Anyone been for a ride lately?

Wow, I come back to get an update and I see what this thread had devolved into...not pretty.

So what if this person has a habit of asking for advice on the internet? Plenty of people do because it is anonymous. I don't see that there is anything wrong with that. It's better than dumping your problems on a bartender!

Celery - I'm sorry that you are in pain, but as my mother always (annoyingly) says "this too shall pass". She's usually right, too. ;)

FWIW, I think you did the right thing.

well, whatever...what's done is done. i thank those with honest advice, whether it was harsh or not. and i'm sorry to everyone i upset in some way with this thread.

surprisingly, the attacks on my character or sincerity from some of you have sobered me up quite a bit. instead of moping, i'm in WTF defensive mode! lol

i'm sure everything will be fine. time heals these wounds. this one might just take a minute or two longer.

celery, out!

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Originally Posted by GLC1968

Wow, I come back to get an update and I see what this thread had devolved into...not pretty.

So what if this person has a habit of asking for advice on the internet? Plenty of people do because it is anonymous. I don't see that there is anything wrong with that. It's better than dumping your problems on a bartender!

Celery - I'm sorry that you are in pain, but as my mother always (annoyingly) says "this too shall pass". She's usually right, too. ;)

FWIW, I think you did the right thing.

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I agree.

I don't understand why anyone would "research" Celery to find out if he's a troll. Hasn't he contributed to this forum in a non-threatening way? Is he sending anyone creepy PMs?

I'm not sure why this has turned ugly. If you don't want to contribute in a kind way, just don't post for Chrissake. Put the thread on ignore.

As I said, has the OP sent creepy PMs? Has anyone reported the OP to the admins for harassing anyone here? Nothing he said sounds as if he's hunting for a new girlfriend here. This wasn't his first post on this forum.

How do you know it's the "ugly truth" Zen? Have you been trained in discourse analysis? I have taken a course on it, by the way.

As I said before, if you cannot be kind, put the thread on ignore.

I've just read through the thread, and I have to say, the spin down has been pretty ugly~ and the OP isn't the one that looks bad!

I'm glad your ex knows the truth, that you did love her. That alone can be healing, since from her perspective, that may not have been the case, from what I could gather from your post. I think it's a great gift for you to give to her!

I'm in the belief that only truth can start a true healing process, otherwise things fester, and don't let you move on. I should know! :o

You also sound like the kind of guy that has learned from his past relationships~ which bodes well for future ones! Good luck.

_________________________
True, I know nothing of other forums, but I know we've had some of us also start threads of a personal nature, in the non-cycling thread, and it wasn't a problem, and the viewpoint of women here were great! Supportive, reasonable, well-thought out, and it made me think, 'man, when I have an issue, I'm going to ask here! These women are so cool, and wise to boot!' ... now I guess not.

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

Remember when he continued to "spare us the details?" the details are rather um, not what you and I really want to know about a stranger that posts on an internet forum.

This is a bike forum.

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But he did spare us the details. If you choose to dig for them elsewhere, that has no bearing on his behaviour here, does it?

And while yes, this is a bike forum, we still talk about non-bike stuff...particularly in the 'open topic (non-cycling) forum'. His questions have as much right to be here as the thread about gardening.

If he'd been a woman asking the same questions, would anyone have questioned it?

Everyone needs to back off and stop with the snotty comments. If I have deleted each post I feel is inappropriate. I don't want to hear "but it's a man on our boards", we've been through that enough.

If you don't like the thread, get out of it, ignore it and move on. NOW.

Thank you, Snap. I may have just come home from dinner where I had a wee bit too much wine, but, ladies, get over it. This is open topic, non-cycling related. Celery has been on this forum for awhile. Nothing he said makes me think he is a troll or even weird for asking his questions here. And I am generally a good judge of these things.
It makes me sad that some of us are suspicious because he is a man. I know I am lucky that I have an awesome husband of almost 30 years, but, I really feel that you cannot make generalizations about "men" any more than you can about any other group. I still believe he really just wanted our feedback.

As far as I can tell, the boys here (Mr. Silver, Boy in a Kilt, Mr. SR500, Pscyclepath, etc) are good peeps.

I also don't see what the big deal about this post is. I agree that if a woman had posted it, no one would have thought twice about it.