Getting married- ? do I change my name

I remembered, Deb, and I laughed!
I didn't change my name the first time, but people started calling me by his last name anyway. It caused a hassle with the ASU legal aid divorce I got in 1977. I had to go through the process of legally changing it back.
I come from a culture (at least in New England) where everyone pretty much uses her birth name as her middle name when she gets married, if she is changing her last name. I didn't realize this was different from what is common. When DH and I were planning our marriage, the name change thing was the only thing we disagreed on. He really wanted me to take his name, so I did. Then, after a few years, he realized it didn't matter in the least to him (he was raised by very traditional parents) and suggested that I change back. But, by this time I didn't care so much. Legally, I am Robyn birth name, DH's last name. I sign everything this way, with no hyphen. People don't call me that, though, although around here it is very common to do so. I think because I was a teacher, people just went with the Mrs. DH's last name...
As I said, around here many people don't change their name, use hyphenated names, or do as I have. It's common to have families with many different last names. Both of my kids have my birth name as their middle name. At first, they hated it, but when we moved to a community with more progressive values and half the kids had hyphenated names, they realized it wasn't that "weird." The oldest one uses it on all official documents (like his college diploma), but the younger one uses his initial only. I don't think he even knows how to spell it correctly (it's a slightly different spelling of a name that while it isn't super common, is recognizable).
Once in awhile, I think that this is the only thing I gave in on, but in retrospect, I have been married for almost 30 years and there's more important things!

We got married May 24, I graduated May 9. So guess what the all important paper handed to me by Dr. Robert Gates from Texas A&M says my name is? :) My Aggie Ring says Amanda J. Birth Last Name (I can't believe it all fit in a size 5.5 ring). I am cool with it. I am still me and my family thinks I am still one of them even if my legal name is different.

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Originally Posted by Tri Girl

I changed my name. Never thought anything of it. Plus- I was changing my name from a really confusing German/American hybrid name to a generic name (Brown). I never have to spell it, which is so nice. When my dad died, I kind of wished I'd kept it, but my brother has a son, so the name will go on. :)

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Ditto, exactly...except that my father is still alive. I love not having to spell my last name anymore (even though I always still have to spell both my first name and my middle name - if using it).

And if you want to talk about unusual last names, my maiden name belongs to 4 people. My parents, my brother and myself (now, my brother's wife and not me, but still 4 people). No one else in the entire world (living). Talk about lack of privacy - I meet someone and one Google search and they know every thing about my family they could possibly want to know. It sucked. As much as I liked being unique, it was somewhat scary in many ways (particularly when I was dating). Now, my married name sounds like a soap opera name - and in fact, it's the name belonging to a character from an 80's fantasy TV drama. When you google it, you get hits about that show and not about me. :p

I was married at 35, too. My first career, my college degrees and my master's thesis are all in my maiden name even though we got married before I was done with graduate school. When I started my first job in my second career, it was with my married name. It was an easy transition for me.

If I had to do it all again, I would. Regardless of what my driver's license says...I'm still a 'maiden name' and always will be. By taking my husband's name, now I'm a 'married name' as well. As far as I'm concerned, it's the best of both worlds.

It's up to everyone to make their own decision for their own reasons, but personally I can't see any reason I would want to change my name, ever. I'm not married, for that matter, but for all practical purposes, and in all the ways that count, we're married, and I call him my husband. (In Norwegian that neatly comes out as "my man", which is quite correct ;) )

Basically I consider marriage a private matter, as private as what I vote, what my religious views are, what my interests are and who my friends are. Not a secret, mind you, but something that I don't feel the need to state publicly by changing my name. I'm me with my name, the man I'm married to is someone else.

Our son carries both our surnames. Mine is the most unusual, so that became his given surname, while my dh's surname became his middle name. To keep things a little simpler we gave him just one first name, a slightly unusual one. I promised dh that I would use our son's full name on all occasions so that dh's surname wouldn't "disappear".

Likewise I have my mother's maiden name as my middle name. I hated it like the plague as a teenager, as a grown-up I suddenly appreciated having both my parents represented in my name and I use both names actively today.

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Originally Posted by Zen

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either...

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Exactly, Zen - neither do I..."birth name" is an instantly understandable term, isn't it? I much prefer it to that other term, for a variety of reasons...to each their own though, so I respect it if a woman uses that term because she prefers it, and assume that my ownpreference is respected too.

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.
FWIW: even when I was married, I did not choose to change my name. I have 2 sons and neither had any hint of an identity crisis; I was very active in their schools, sports and other activities throughout and no issues there either in connecting my guys to me as their Mom!

I changed my name. And...changed it again. And...might someday change it again. (some people collect shot glasses..)Once upon a time, it had old fashioned appeal for me. Now I just know how much it would mean to bf, should that day ever come. We'll see.

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Originally Posted by MM_QFC!

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.

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thanks MM, I did not know that!!

Hey Mimi - and I also remember the term: MCP!

Yes, my French passport, national ID card, and consulate card have both names: née and my (ex) husband's last name. I never changed my name when I was married many years ago, but I wanted to. My husband did not want me to change it. I longed for a "normal" name that I would not need to spell out. Plus, it seemed like we would be a team.

Of course, now it's easier to not have to change it back, but it's something that I wish I had pushed for. That and alot of other issues, too, for that matter.

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.

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Originally Posted by Grog

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.

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We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

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Originally Posted by Aggie_Ama

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

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Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

I didn't change my name for the first marriage, which turned out to be a good thing.

I was a bit hesitant to change my name for the second (current) marriage because I have publications, etc. in my name. However, there were three reasons I decided to do so:
- he preferred it
- we are planning a family
- my first initial/last name makes an unfortunate combination when used for work login accounts, would be nice to not have that anymore :o

I'm starting the process now, we were married 4 months ago but we were also in the process of buying a house, wasn't a good time to mess around with paperwork and legal records.

I'm keeping my original middle name, but for work purposes I will probably include my "birth name" (like that term) on business cards, etc.

I guess I didn't really think about it much at the time - just went with the traditional name change. I don't mind, except that, for a 1-syllable, 5-letter name, NOBODY can spell it. I have to spell it several times to people over the phone. And they still get it wrong. I see my name in email lists at work, with it spelled wrong - and if I say anything, people think I'm being snippy (no, just trying to keep it from propagating throughout the entire world).:rolleyes:

I do know a woman who didn't take her second husband`s name at first - she was in her 40s or early 50s when they were married, she'd had a bad experience with her first, was pretty independent, etc. He ended up dying of cancer after maybe 8-10 years of marriage, and she told me not long after that she was going to take his name. She wanted that link to him, and to his children and grandchildren. I thought it was a very loving thing to do.

Do what you want to do - in the long run, you are the one who will be living with it. Personally, while I don't remember it very clearly (been almost 19 years), I don't remember the whole name-change thing being much of a hassle. Things may have changed since then, though, or maybe it was just Michigan.

I tried hyphenating my maiden name and my ex's name, and there never was a place for it on forms (this was a LONG time ago!) so it morphed into my middle name. I was NEVER called my first name, and didn't even know what it was until 1st grade, when I didn't think it was me! And I liked that the ethnic/racist factor was taken out by becoming a common anglo name. Seems silly now, but I've had tires slashed, yelled out, etc... when going to places around the US.

And I liked having the same name as my kids, even after my divorce. I rather identify with it now, although I've been divorced for almost 20 years. :eek: :D

If I got married again to the bf, I don't think I'd take his last name (not a really attractive sounding name.) I STILL want to have the same last name as my kids!! And it seems a big time pita to change it on everything. Everyone can spell it, and I just plain like it!

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Originally Posted by Aggie_Ama

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

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Sorry, I think I wrote too fast. I meant: what exactly would/does make him happy about it? (Not why you know it would make him happy.)

I changed mine. I was about to start publishing in my profession, so it was an opportune moment. And before I changed it, if you googled myfirstname hislastname in quotation marks, there were absolutely no hits. So in changing my name I became the only me on the internet. Which I thought was pretty cool. I have an unusual enough first name that I never really had the last name attached, so it isn't too much of an identity issue for me. The new last name has a heck of a lot of letters though...

This is a very personal choice.

I kept my maiden name for many reasons. Ironically, my second-line supervisor gave me a "talking to" about it (this was 1987 - husband and I worked in the same office at the time - because we eloped, everyone thought I was pregnant). In addition, my inlaws didn't "approve." My husband could care less, and if he had, he wouldn't have been the kind of man I'd marry.

To answer the "why" question; well, we talked about it at length. My husband is the least MCP person around, but he really felt that it was sort of like what someone said above; that having the same name shows we are a team. The issue of having kids with different names never came up. I knew plenty of people who had different names from their kids, even in 1979.
We also had the same discussion about having a joint bank account. We decided to get one. Many years later, we ended up having 2 accounts. Although they were both joint, my check went in one and his in another. That way, I could track "my" money, although it was mostly so I could buy gifts and things for people that I wanted to specifically buy with my earnings. Same thing for my son's college education and his car. I was very clear to him that my salary was paying for those things.
I know that this seems very old fashioned to some, but I have never felt like I lost my identity. My husband has done nothing but encourage me in all aspects of life. Those of you who know me in person can probably guess that I am very outspoken and I wouldn't put up with cr*p from anyone. I had a very traumatic and horrible first marriage at a young age. I swore that I would never get myself in that position again. Changing my name hasn't made a difference in how I feel about myself.
Though at one point, when my husband's parents were acting like azzholes, he considered changing his name to my birth name...

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Originally Posted by tulip

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

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Well to get married in the 107 year old church I had my heart set on from the time I was 8 it was required but it was a very good experience for both of us.

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

But I am still very independent and if I had decided not change my name it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I think that was the important thing for me. It was always my decision, my husband was happy I did but he would have married me if I didn't.

To answer the what would have made him happy about taking his name question: I only suspect it would have made my husband happy if I had taken his name--at the time he said it didn't matter to him. But I know he is very proud of his family and ancestry and the name is a part of that (they have a town named after them!)--and these are among the reasons I wanted to KEEP my own name (and we only have one street named after us back in Germany, plus a couple of hot dog stands). And this is why I think he said it didn't matter--the name said more about what was in the past and not a thing about who we are as a couple or a family.

Sarah

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Originally Posted by Aggie_Ama

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

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I have a similar "happy" story to Aggie - DH and I are a team, and partners. Having the same last name is part of both of our identities as part of that team. He is also something of a "traditionalist", brought up in rural New England, so to him, it was just what was supposed to happen. At the time, we were also planning a family, and all of us having the same last name was very important to him (having children didn't work out for us, but we are still a family!).

For us, what's his is ours and what's mine is ours. We also only have one bank account - joint. After my first marriage, this was also something I swore against, but it makes sense and works for us.

Our cycling friends often refer to us as "Team DH's last name" which I like - we are indeed a true team, and this is what makes BOTH of us happy about having the same last name.

SheFly

p.s.
Unlike Aggie, I think it would have been a deal breaker for us if I hadn't changed my name. We would have just continued living together as a couple, and not gotten married.

Third marriage. Changed my name all 3 times. Not a big deal. And where I grew up, we all used our maiden name as our middle name after marrying. The middle name just sorta disappeared.

Thanks for all your great responses!

In a lot of ways it kind of comes down to the fact that I want both- I want to keep my name and I want to take his (and when I say I want to keep mine, I mean as a last name).

As for the middle name idea- my current middle name is my mother's maiden (or birth name)- so it's not an easy one for me to drop. If I take his name, I'll become first name-mothers birth name- my birth name- his last name. Kind of a pain, but I don't want to pick one parent's name to drop either.

As to which name is more appealing- I like both options.

My fiance will support whichever decision I make (though I'm sure he'd be thrilled if I take his name).

Professionally, it will be confusing. I'm a physician- so there are a ton of people who may get confused (and I don't envy our front office staff who'll have to add an extra line to reminder calls etc for some time). But I've practiced in the same place for more than 5 years- people know me and they'll figure it out (and the fact that I've been wearing an engagement ring since October will probably help ease the confusion).

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get:confused::confused:

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

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Originally Posted by anakiwa

I'm a physician

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get:confused::confused:

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Well, with your fiance's understanding and flexibility, you do have options.

If there was ever a case for keeping your current name, you've hit it with your profession and all the complexity that goes into maintaining your license, etc

Silver's sister uses her "birth name" professionally and marriage name personally...I don't think they find it confusing.

Best wishes in the marriage!

i kept my last name - it is unusual-hard for most people to pronounce-and i always have to spell it out-but it's part of my cultural heritage and i love it. i dropped my middle name - which i hate - and replaced it with his last name.

my husband dropped his middle name and replaced it with my last name. no hyphens. we haven't done the official paperwork for the changes yet.

my pet peeve: in correspondence being addressed as MRS. his first name & last name. it makes me want to give a quickie women's studies class.

& we def. feel like we're a team.

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Originally Posted by Tuckervill

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

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One thing to consider is that it is far easier for the woman to change her name than for the man, like it or not.

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Originally Posted by Tuckervill

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

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Hundreds of years of tradition. At least for me. In some ways, I am very old fashioned. Plus, I like his better :D

SheFly

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Originally Posted by Tuckervill

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

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It was shorter. My birth name is 8 letters, his last name is 5 letters. His first name is extremely long, one of the longest you can give a man he should have one letter for his last name to help. I see nothing wrong with following tradition if it suits you and for me I wanted my husband's name. But as I said I chose to do it, no one told me it was required.

I actually asked him to take my name but he said he would rather me keep it if it meant that much but he wouldn't change his because he felt passionately about his name as well. He wouldn't make me change mine either. The one thing he hates hyphenated names so he asked that whatever I chose that I didn't hyphenate.

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Originally Posted by trinena

i kept my last name - it is unusual-hard for most people to pronounce-and i always have to spell it out-but it's part of my cultural heritage and i love it. i dropped my middle name - which i hate - and replaced it with his last name.

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That's quite cool. I wish I had thought about that.

When we married 40 years ago, neither set of parents was thrilled with our choice of partner. I chose to go first name, birth surname, husband's surname. My husband added my birth surname as a middle name. He has consistently used that for drivers' license, bank accounts, IRA's, etc. For us, it was a way of saying that we were a separate family from either of our FOO's. Indeed, at the time we married, my MIL was encouraging me not to take Smith as my surname because it was so common. At the time, it felt like she was saying it would be easier for us to split, like everyone expected. Now, I realize that there are lots more important things to worry about. I didn't give myself my birth name, first or last, so my identity isn't too tied up there. I am who I am to the people in front of me, that I have worked with or played with. My name has very little to do with that.

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Originally Posted by msincredible

One thing to consider is that it is far easier for the woman to change her name than for the man, like it or not.

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Huh?

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Originally Posted by SheFly

Hundreds of years of tradition.

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Tradition and marriage, heh. This could send us down a very slippery slope here...

I despise tradition.

The man who represents my district in the state legislature changed his name when he got married. He and his wife combined their last names into a new name and they both changed to it.

As for people automatically calling you "Mrs.", I've never been married but people address me as Mrs. Mylastname all the time. I always have to stifle the impulse to say "My mother's not here."

I had already had two last names when i got married. The name I was born with, then my mom got married for a 2nd time and i took his last name(never legal though and that caused me problems later in life, like when i went to get a pass port and had to get someone to swear I was who i said I was, thanks mom) and the 2nd guy she married was an a*s so i was happy to change my last name and besides it is much shorter to write!

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Originally Posted by ny biker

As for people automatically calling you "Mrs.", I've never been married but people address me as Mrs. Mylastname all the time. I always have to stifle the impulse to say "My mother's not here."

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I'm not married either, but when I am somewhere by myself, I seldom get called Mrs. xxxx. Many people often refer to me as "Miss".

At the German engineering firm that I used to work for, I had to explain to a German systems employee that we flew in from head office, that the software settings for automatic assignment of saluations for generating letter templates, had to be changed to: replace "Miss", "Mrs."...with Ms. The guy wasn't a dummy and accommodating, but he was genuinely unfamiliar with the English saluation of "Ms." for business purposes. I understand that there is no German language equivalent to "Ms".

'Course I had to gently add that a woman's marital status has no bearing whatsoever on her competence and what she does for her job, while she is at work.

I never had any female employee drop by and ask me to change software settings back to the old.

Aiyaaaahhhhhh! This is the 21st century and Germany is full of working women, plus female engineers.....

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Originally Posted by Tuckervill

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

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We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.

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Originally Posted by anakiwa

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

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I know many women in academia and medicine who do this. Privately, they use their husband's name and the kids do too, but at work, they're still Dr. Birthname. As long as you're consistent, it works.

I took my hubby's name after much consideration. I like my birth name- it's extremely rare and it's, well me... but DH's family name is also extremely rare, so we're saving a name either way. I would have done the 2 last name thing, but it's waaay too long and weird. And I have some nephews to carry on my family's name. So I'm Gwenn middlename DHname legally, but scientifically and some other times, Gwenn E.C. DHname or the long version of Gwenn birthname DHname. It's still me whichever way.

The only really weird thing was the first 6-8 mos getting used to answering the phone with a different name. Writing it was fine, but saying it took a lot of getting used to.

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Originally Posted by Zen

Huh?
Tradition and marriage, heh. This could send us down a very slippery slope here...

I despise tradition.

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It could - but I was ONLY referring to why taking his last name when we felt part of a team - not the entire insitution of marriage ;).

Surprisingly, I'm not usually one to defer to tradition either. I don't despise it, but don't tend to follow it too closely. I guess that like GLC, a better answer would have been that it never occurred to me to ask him to take my name either....

SheFly (the oxymoron :D)

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Originally Posted by trinena

my pet peeve: in correspondence being addressed as MRS. his first name & last name. it makes me want to give a quickie women's studies class.

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Too true!! I don't care what last name you slap on there and can even forgive one or both of them being slaughtered in spelling (they're not that hard, but wow), but the not even being worthy of having my own first name convention is weird.....

Granted, my gramma had return labels of Mrs. Frank DHname even after grandpa died, but them's were different times.