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I think you should ask him to please keep an open mind about what is going to happen and how it is all going to work, and that children require a willing flexibility and enormous patience.
The other thing I want to say is, "Don't borrow trouble." There's no need to panic about an off-handed comment in a casual conversation about a topic that is all theory for you at this point. You need some more information before you can draw any conclusions about how it will be. :)
Karen
You've received some excellent advice from the experienced folks, polly.Quote:
Originally Posted by polly4711
Great that you are musing about the issues and giving yourself lots of time to think about, talk about when life right now and next few years will be in transition with unknown options that lie ahead.
And really it isn't just about who is going to look after baby day and night, but more on his personality to deal with unpredictable demands of children to look after their needs..and if you wish to return to a job (Part-time or full-time) and also stay in your career (engineering, right?), how your lives will mesh together also.
Sounds tough living in different cities to figure if home lifestyles and habits mesh, unless you've figured it out already. Right now are no chances for both of you to look after someone else's child together for a day here and there or for a weekend, as a 'trial' might help.
Most of all remember: you can't change his personality to become "better" candidate to be a supportive husband and daddy unless he wants to/his personality/life goals are predisposed to this.
As a comment, since I have no clue if he is also in engineering like yourself. If one of you do end up working out in the field or get into structural engineering work which involves construction /design/build projects, then that means most likely engineers who go into heavy construction engineering projects, work long hrs. (ie. overtime and stuff), higher stress to complete work on time/deal with unexpected situations (collapsing retaining walls, trenches, etc.) because major engineering project work is very project deadline demanding. If the engineers do not cooperate, it does mean financial penalties /construction claims for the project itself --thousands of dollars.
I did see alot of structural engineers where I worked (and majority were men) for both men and women really had to start very early....and end late..way past supper. There are some real pressures-- in all areas design side, estimating and claims/contract management and on inspection/testing side. I did wonder what the family lives of some guys were like since I knew some had wives and children ...and they moved with their families from overseas for these temporary assignments. And some of these wives were university-educated who had great careers/jobs prior to leaving their home country. I mean one of them was a family doctor, accredited in Malayasia. She and hubby have 3 children.
Hope you (or he) will be lucky enough to go into engineering consulting, engineering jobs in public sector, etc. where it would reduce messing up with personal/family life.
Thank you for all of your wonderful advice. It was so nice to come home to this after a long day of research. I will be sure to keep all of your advice in mind. (there are too many pieces that I want to address for me to individually go back through, but my words are a reflection of yours)
Both his brother and his sister have a child, and I'm sure that we will be able to 'babysit' one day, which would be very interesting. I do think that he is scared, but just nervous yet excited.
We have had time to be together in the same city to learn eachothers living habits, and they go along well. He always helps out with dishes and cooking and is very good about keeping up his own place, so I'm sure that he will be a help.
Yes, I am an engineer -- biomedical/mechanical field, he is not at all (but enjoys cars and mechanical stuff). I think that our jobs will work out, and the professor that I am working for is amazing and I feel as though he will set me up for a successful job where I would be able to be a mom and a wife and have a career. I know that it's quite a few years off, but still.
Thank you all!!!!