How much do looks define your self-image?

Kinda just blathering here, so forgive me if I never get around to making a point.....

How I look does at least partially define my self image (maybe it's a redhead thing? When you go through your whole life with people pointing you out as "she's the redhead over there" it's hard NOT to see that as part of who you are!), but hot=looks doesn't enter into the equation. How I look is more like, um, I make sure I brush my teeth before leaving the house, and if I'm going to work and it's not a swimming day, then I'll put on makeup (but never eye makeup because I rub my eyes when I get stressed and who wants to look like a raccoon? I don't bother with makeup on swimming days because if I'm swimming at lunch, the makeup will all disappear anyway, so what's the point?). And I DO give thought to what I wear, but more so that what I wear fits the occasion--I'll wear khakis or jeans if I'm in an all-day training session, or suits if I have an outside meeting, or dress pants and sweaters on most other days (skirts and nice t-shirts in the summer). So I guess my looks are heavily influenced by practicality.

But I don't think that "hot" has really all that much to do with looks, but with how a person presents herself (or himself). If hot was about being skinny and young, then I was super-hot 20 years ago. Except I wasn't. I was awkward and often unsure of myself. I was confident in my intellectual abilities, but not my physical abilities or social skills, and that showed. I think "hot" happens when those three things align--self confidence in physical, intellectual and social abilities (even, I might add, in the absence of any particular SKILL in those areas--it's about self confidence).

Case in point is my SIL who is probably one of the most physically unattractive people I've ever met. She's short, has a kind of squishy face, is overweight, and isn't always the sharpest knife in the drawer. But she's hot, and not only does she think so, but so does her entourage of friends and boyfriends. She is supremely self confident in everything she does, and I think that is just really, really attractive. By the same measure, I'm a lot hotter now than I was 20 years ago because I'm just way more comfortable with who I am and I care a lot less about what other people might think about me or see in me.

I think that the media uses tight butts and big hair and perfect skin as shorthand for hot because it's just easier for them, the thinking being that someone who looks good must, by definition, feel good about herself and therefore is self confident. It's hard to show internal confidence in a magazine ad, so they use this shorthand. And then what happens is people who DON'T have this level of self confidence (i.e. me 20 years ago, and lots of young people, and unfortunately many older people who never got beyond this) mistake the shorthand for the substance and work to achieve what they see in the ads and not what the reality is.

I think, though, that we shouldn't condemn or pity people who work to achieve hotness, because I think there's a biological drive at work there--people want to be sexy to ensure the continuation of the species (although I doubt they'd put it that way!). We do also value a loving family, good career, supportive friends and satisfying life, but (again speaking biologically) these things are going to have higher value to someone who is older and not so concerned with procreating but rather with sustaining what was already created. Our lizard brains, in our teens and 20's, are far more concerned with just gettin' it on and popping out some babies to ensure the species survives, so I think it's somewhat natural that at that age looks are more highly valued.

Sarah

I did "scan" but quickly quit reading the Best Bike Advice thread.
I must admit people are just too serious some times. I took it lightly and was not offended...I am not 50 yet, but hey it is close!

I, like most of you, am "fitter" and feel that I "look" better now that I am older partly d/u to my attitude --which is d/t my biking and running accomplishments.

But I digress...these 2 threads are just so much more interesting since I just received a video call "Cougar Barbie". Since Barbie is now 50. It was just so hilarious. But if I shared...I fear people will be offended. Which brings me full circle. Maybe we take things to seriously and don't find the humor or fun that was intended.

Age is a number. Somedays it matters and some days it does not! And, can you really tell how old anyone is these days? Especially in a bike helmet and when the fly past you on a bike...then you see the number on their calf (body marking in a tri) and they are 60 or 70! Now that is HOT!

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Originally Posted by beccaB

My hair is turning silver and I think it is a bright vibrant color, and actually pretty. It makes my plain brown hair more interesting.

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My grandmother was a redhead, but by the time she was 40 her hair had turned completely white and I'm told that she and everyone around her thought it was drop-dead gorgeous (and she liked it that she could wear colors with white hair that she couldn't wear when her hair was red).

My mother promised me that this would happen with my red hair too, since my grandmother was the only relative we knew of who had red hair. No such luck. I turned 40 last month and there's no sign of my hair going white.

Enjoy your silver--I agree that it adds depth and sparkle to a head of hair!

Sarah

It's admirable to say that the only kind of beauty that matters is on the inside. I like how I am on the inside, but I also like looking good, no question. When I look good, I feel good. I walk with confidence and just feel good about myself. That goes for hair, clothes, makeup, and body. I lost about 20 lbs a few years ago, and have never felt better about myself. I would like to say that I would be just as happy with those 20lbs, but the fact is, I would not, and I did not. I don't want them back.

I work from home and I have to be careful not to slob-out. I don't often wear skirts and heels at home, although sometimes I do, but I do try to look well-put together. Yes, that's even if no one sees me, which happens often. It affects how I work, how I sit, how I talk on the phone. I do wear some makeup, even when I know I won't see anyone.

I haven't started going grey yet (I'm 41, go figure) and I don't know what I will do when that happens. I'll certainly give it a try, like Emmylou Harris. I love her hair. But it might not work for me, I don't know yet.

I'm not obsessed about how people perceive me; it's more about how I perceive me. It has to do with caring for myself.

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Originally Posted by tulip

I'm not obsessed about how people perceive me; it's more about how I perceive me. It has to do with caring for myself.

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Great statement, and one that describes my feelings on appearance. I certainly don't qualify as high-maintenance when it comes to appearance, but I feel better when my make up and hair look good, or I'm wearing that special outfit that makes me feel confident. Our office dress code is very casual, jeans and sneakers for most staff, and I'll still go business casual/dress when my job duties that day permit or require it, just for the self-esteem boost that it gives me.

FWIW, I feel more "hot" at almost-30 than I ever did at 18 or 20. I'm fitter (thanks to cycling), more outspoken and self-assured, and finally have a clue about cosmetics and hairstyles. I can't wait to see what 40 brings!

Emmylou Harris recently rediscovered the love of riding her bicycle. :p The djs on the satellite radio are quite taken by her pedaling by.

Some of the most beautiful women I've known had one thing in common--confidence. That alone defined their beauty.

Not sure how I will feel when I truly turn grey. Right now, just still black hair at 50. Would like to think I wouldn't colour my hair. (All of my sisters ranging from 40-49 yrs. are like me. Black hair, no obvious greying. But mum turned grey fast in her late 40's..must be from having 6 children.)

It wasn't until the last 20-25 yrs. there are have been more Asian models/images of live real Asian women in North American (and European) fashion magazines, newspapers and on TV. Hot beauty really in the media is very much Western defined...very tall (to me) or at least very long slim legs, big boobs (not padded underwire :p), etc.

Years ago, I used to be appalled to go into Chinatown and see padded bras on sale. But now you can go anywhere to any store to get the same type of bra in myriad of colours and materials.

I feel so sorry for women who want implants unless they have had a mascetomy. There are HUGE populations of women who are small boobed.

Do looks define my own self-image? Probably. At the very least, I did for awhile in my teens right into my late 20's, feel like the OTHER, meaning just not fitting into any Western /European beauty norm at all. It was normal for me to feel that way, when I lived in smaller cities that did not have noticeable % of Asians.

As for now, I guess looking healthy is very important to me after all. It is important that I stay active so I look alert, lively and can move easily. So this becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. :)

I apologize if this is long, but this is a subject that I struggle with daily and I try to be one of the biggest advocates for younger kids, especially girls, when it comes to positive body image.
I've got polycystic ovarian syndrome...not an uncommon condition. However, I've also got numerous other endocrine disorders, particularly problems with my pituitary gland and ovaries. When puberty hit me, it HIT and kept hitting. Not only did my chest grow way bigger in proportion to the rest of me (DD) but I also started developing male secondary sex characteristics. I'm not a hermaphrodite, I just produce way too much testosterone. My voice got deeper, my muscles got bigger, and I started growing hair everywhere. Places that hair on women is not supposed to be or at least not quite so noticeable.
When it first showed up, especially on my face, my mother went berserk and screamed at me until I shaved it. That made it worse. Then she screamed at me until I used some other products that she'd discovered (Nair) and that blistered and burned me.
Yes, my looks affect my self-image. Especially when I get called "sir" and not because my hair or clothes. Or when especially mean spirited people used to call me "Harry Potter" and not because of my glasses.
And one of the other lovely side effects of this particular disorder is a very difficult ability to keep off weight. Cycling has gone a long way in the last year toward managing that and making that part of it both bearable and beatable.
The hair is the worst part. I can keep my body covered, but not my face. All the meds I've tried have such horrible side effects that I can't take them. Other methods of hiding or getting rid of the "unwanted" hair are quick fixes but painful and in some cases expensive. But as much as this affected me when I was younger, and still affects me now, I'm not nearly as self conscious as I used to be. Mainly because I talk about it now. I'm not afraid to talk about it. And I pray that if my niece grows up to face the same type of disorder, that I'll know how what to say to her. I'll know to tell her that she is beautiful inside and out and that if she wants to find some way to erase it or make it go away that I'll help her or help her talk to her mom. But that she should never feel ashamed or less than other people or ugly or like a freak or like she isn't lovable or attractive. I pray everyday that if that day comes for her, that I'll do and say the right things. I also pray everyday that I'll do and say the right things so that I'll believe those things for myself as well.
My face, my body, my weight, yes they've been huge influences on my self-image/self-esteem for most of my life. But I'm a lot more confident about myself now, again because I am doing something that I've wanted to do for several years and in 2010 I'm gonna get on a plane to California and ride my little heart out. And I won't care about how my face looks or anything else while I'm doing it.
I know that this was probably way more info than any of you wanted or needed to know, but like I said this subject is particularly important and sensitive for me. It sounds corny, but we are all beautiful people. It's hard to accept that sometimes especially when comparisons are made. But it's true. I don't think I'm beautiful, but I am getting more confident. And when someone tells me they think I'm "cute" or "attractive" I am learning to accept that compliment.
If you read all of this, thanks.
Have a great day and be beautiful,
Gray

Grayson, you already have found the words of what to say to your niece one day.

Perhaps one day your niece if she does have it, will also ride with you and gain that strength from you.

Without question, just basic things that define female vs. male bodies, do form our self-image ..for the rest of our lives. It determines how people treat us, female vs. male.

The loss of a breast is probably another clear example...though I haven't experienced this yet..and hope not to. But far worse things could happen.

In my teens and another sister, we both had severe acne...enough that it warranted prescription drugs..pills, lotions and careful selection of certain soaps. This was one of the reasons why I was so glad to earn money part-time and get my long hair cut off. It was healthier for my skin. Recently I looked some old photos of self in teen years..those years of self-consciousness, were like muffled years lost under that angst over what...how I looked as a growing young woman. Thankfully my parents did emphasize that we work on ramping up our brains to make it through school instead of making us feel less on other things.

Looking back though, they did sense how important how we personally might feel about positive self-image. They never compared/commented on their children against one another in terms of physical looks. (or at least, I never heard it.) Amazingly 2 of my siblings had teeth braces..and my father's restaurant employer didn't offer any medical benefits whatsoever. So this was the sacrifice...that they made. None of these siblings went whining to my parents to ask for the orthodontic treatment.

I shake my head in amazement, looking back..

I'm sorry but decided to delete my post. Just not comfortable sorta like airing dirty laundry.

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Originally Posted by smilingcat

I'm sorry but decided to delete my post. Just not comfortable sorta like airing dirty laundry.

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:);)

the older I get, the less my looks have to do with my self image.
I tell you what, it's a wonderful freedom!

when I was thirteen i used to stare in the mirror at my nose, convinced I looked like a troll and no boy would EVER like me!

I 100% agree with Sarah's post about appearance and 'hotness'. When I was in my 20's I had a girlfriend whom guys would fall all over themselves to talk to or date her. I once showed a photo of her to some of my guy friends (and my brother) and they didn't get it. They said she was cute, but certainly nothing special...until they met her in person. 20 minutes later, they too were in awe. It's not about looks...it's about attitude and how a person carries themselves and how they interact with others. Many women learn this later in life and therefore become hot at 30, 40, 50 or 60. Some never learn it.

Case in point: me. I am not hot. I never have been and probably never will be, but it has little to do with how I look and everything to do with how I feel about myself. I don't know how to be sexy. Even my husband teases me about it. I don't know how to learn and at this point, I think I'm too old to bother. I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to my abilities, my brain, my inner strength, etc...but physically? Yeah, that's a huge short-coming for me and it always has been. And outside of being a little more overweight than I was in my 20's - I pretty much look exactly the same. In fact, due to some necessary surgery, my smile is even better than it was back then. If I was hot at 21, I'd still be hot now at 41. Too bad I'm not. :p

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Originally Posted by GLC1968

I 100% agree with Sarah's post about appearance and 'hotness'. When I was in my 20's I had a girlfriend whom guys would fall all over themselves to talk to or date her. I once showed a photo of her to some of my guy friends (and my brother) and they didn't get it. They said she was cute, but certainly nothing special...until they met her in person. 20 minutes later, they too were in awe. It's not about looks...it's about attitude and how a person carries themselves and how they interact with others.

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I had a friend like that in college, too. There was just something about her. She was pretty, but people's reaction to went beyond that.