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Yup. I find I can't relate to the mundane stuff people my age group think or talk about. Except the friends I kept from HS, but of course that's why I kept them, they weren't annoying. The people I relate to best are about 10+ years older than me.Quote:
Originally Posted by solobiker
Solobiker,
Why do you think older people are safe? They are not threatening to you? Because you don't feel as though you have to compete with them on any level?
Just curious.
You can throw me somewhere with a bunch of guys and I can function very well...I'll talk to them about fishing or hunting or football and feel very comfortable.
Trying to make small talk with women is impossible for me. I feel like I have absolutely nothing in common with them and feel totally lost.
?I'm guessing this is because I feel that I have to "compete" somehow with women because I am one? Or is it because I am different from the guys and feel that I have their attention?
TJrelic - If others could hear what goes on in my head, they would hear a lot of tapes from my childhood. These seem to be stuck and play daily despite my being 48. These messages keep the fears alive. Constant moves/disruption as a kid can interfere with normal growth and development. Can I have a "do-over"!?
The orange bike is a perfect example of "paradoxical intent" in action. Good for you to be so bold!
Slowbutsteady - I can relate to what you mean about interacting with those in your community who know you. I think I know how people view me and I worry about negative opinions/perspectives without having the truth. I want to be liked and I over value the process. This builds barriers that become exhausting to work with. Going to town often wears me out.
Flur - Way to go!!
Savra - I like your new word . . . "offness". Embracing it = self-respect. It's hard to feel good about yourself when this problem is so closely connected to self-esteem.
Solobiker - I am also more comfortable with anyone who isn't viewed as a challenge to me. I rank/rate people as being better than/worse than and this is then translated into my fear. I know this is irrational but it's how my brain thinks.
Thanks for sharing. I hope that we can all be more comfortable this year. We're doing our best. It's not easy living with this, but we are still good people who do good things for others.
I appreciate the responses to this thread. I have felt a sincere concern and honesty from TE.
Barb
I think what it is for me is I am not into the typical "girly" things. Everyone I share an office with, including the men, are big into shopping, TV, fashion. None of my co-workers are into spending time outdoors. I feel so uncomfortable because someone always comes into work dressed " so cute" and then the conversation lasts for an hour or 2 about where they got there clothing. UGH... I much rather talk about hiking, climbing, riding bikes. I also see them cut down people who aren't fashionable. I know for a fact I would not have my picture on the cover of a fashion magazine. Unless it was what not to do:) But I am okay with that because it seems like they are always trying to keep up with the changes. If I had to chose I am more comforatble talking with men the women.
I think social skills are overrated.
Maybe so, but I need some. Today I had to "have a talk" with one of the students at work. I sort of oversee 8 or so college students in the computer lab, and lately I've been too busy to make myself check up on them much. Well, today one of them came into my office and told me they were all fed up with one of the new guys, basically not doing anything all day. So I summoned up all of my courage and (once I finally tracked him down 2 hours later), tried to somewhat gently tell him to let one of us engineers know whenever he runs out of work. This kid is pretty defensive all the time (over any little pointer you try to give him). He gave me a whole string of "reasons", so I told him I'd heard from several sources that he wasn't being very productive (it turns out all the shop guys have seen the same thing). My heart was racing, I totally lost my train of thought - I really am terrible at this. I ended up so flustered, I'm not sure how I came across. I can only think of the right things to say after the fact - totally can't think on my feet. Anyway, it was really really scarey.:(
I am sooo glad that is over. I'm afraid next I'll have to confront him over his arrogance issues (which I suspect are actually low self esteem). Hopefully it won't come to that, but it will have to if he's going to keep working there.
I definitely see this as one of my bigger issues - avoidance is so much easier. I'd rather climb in a hole than confront anyone.
LOL - I can relate to this. When I worked in an office I listened to endless conversation dribble about clothes and what was on TV etc. It made me want to bash my head up against the wall. I tried feigning interest but it didn't work. There is really only so much faking one can do over how cool a purse is.Quote:
Originally Posted by solobiker
Don't take this wrong, but social skills are not overrated. In fact, based on my 31 years in education and my husband's 25 years in the software industry, I would say in the end, it's as important or more important than technical skills.
Believe me, I have not liked everyone I've worked with and often couldn't stand the endless talk of kids and babies, even when I had little kids. But, you can't be mean about it! No one wants to hear me talk endlessly about my bike, my average, where I rode last weekend. It's a fine line between "professional" friendliness and being friends. I really don't socialize with people from work anymore. I used to, but I find it's best to keep the spheres separate.
But, you have to be able to talk with people, customers (in my case, parents), and other professionals. It's hard to deliver bad news or give direction, but it's a skill that comes with practice.
I love talking to people in all situations, so advice from me probably means nothing. But a large part of my job as a teacher is teaching social skills. It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...
Hi Barb,Quote:
Originally Posted by bacarver
YES! I relate very well to what you're saying. I've been painfully shy my whole life. I guess things have gotten a *little* easier the older I've gotten but in some situations, at least, not by much. :(
A few years ago (well, about 10 years ago) my kids were all entering their teen years and it occurred to me that except for a few friends I had known since grade school I really didn't have much of a social network. My DH traveled a lot with his job and our kids (three boys, including a set of twins) kept me pretty busy and close to home. I was fine with that until I hit me that before long our kids would be grown and gone and if I didn't get out and meet people I'd be sitting alone waiting for the kids to phone home.
So, I basically FORCED myself to join a local quilt guild (my second passion...after biking :)). I was nervous as all get-out and didn't know a soul. Then I FORCED myself to volunteer for a committee or two and did meet some women whom I now consider good friends. The guild-thing only lasted a few years, though. Loved the quilts and many of the people. HATED the politics. Still have the friends, though I haven't been able to talk any of them into becoming bikers, mores the pity. ;)
Guess I always have been and always will be somewhat of a loner and not much of a joiner and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just who I am, though it does bother me once in a while. I suppose it's one reason why I love biking. I like being alone with my thoughts. When I'm out on my bike I think very deep thoughts. LOL! I do look at people I know who are very gregarious and have an easy way with people and wish I could be more like them, though. Life seems to be so much easier for them but then I guess the grass is always greener, right?
Thank goodness for the internet. It's a wonderful way to interact with people you wouldn't otherwise ever know. :)
Jane
I'm sorry but I do take offense. Some people have a harder time with this than others, and it's not because they have inadequate families. That's like saying I can't sing because my mother never taught me to. I can't sing because that was not a gift I was given. I could learn to sing, but it wouldn't come naturally. However, I have plenty of other talents that come naturally to me that don't come naturally to others. Social skills are a talent that some are gifted with and others are not.Quote:
Originally Posted by Crankin
I didn't mean that anyone's social anxiety is caused by parents not teaching social skills. I mean that for average people, without any particular anxiety disorders, there are a lot of parents who think that kids learn social skills by osmosis. There has to be some direct teaching here.
I know that these disorders are things people are born with; it's not the same as kids who think it's OK to be rude, bully, have no manners while eating, make racist remarks, etc. These are things that parents have a responsibility to model.
If a child has noticeable social anxiety, there are things that parents can do to help; therapy, social skills groups, medication. I have seen wonderful outcomes when kids got the help they needed. I just wish parents would pay attention to their kids and notice when there is an issue that could make life difficult for the child.
I'm definitely more of a loner than not. I really have a hard time going to places with alot of people--like the Farmers Market. I love the Farmers Market, but once I get there, I get unfocused and anxious because of all the people. I instinctively seek out people I know, which is the reason, perhaps, that I don't go to the FM in Richmond (I've lived here since August 2007, but I haven't been yet!) I also hate malls and stores. Luckily, I work from home and can do my grocery shopping in the middle of the day when it's pretty empty.
Funny, though, I enjoy giving presentations in front of large groups. I've been told that I'm a good public speaker. I think in those situations, I'm prepared and confident in what I'm talking about, whereas in a spontaneous situation, I have a tiny sense of panic (nothing big, but enough to make me want to flee).
I also feel more comfortable with older people. My SO is 20 years older than me, and this relationship is more open and fulfilling than any I've been in (including a 13-year marriage that became problematic over the years--my ex is a musician and very sociable and had a large circle of friends and was always having folks over and going to parties and gigs--stuff you have to do as a musician; I just couldn't participate comfortably).
Throughout my life, my shyness/whatever has been interpreted as snobbery. I used to really care about that, but now I've relaxed a bit more. If someone thinks I'm snooty because I tend to hang back, well, that's their view.
Wow - I know exactly what you mean. I get really anxious and almost tunnel-visioned. Feel like running away. I went through this recently at a local outdoor gear swap. Stuff all on tables in a room, and people roaming everywhere, heading every direction - it seemed like chaos, even though there were probably about 30 people in the room. I thought I'd explode, I was so anxious. Felt trapped at every turn.Quote:
I get unfocused and anxious because of all the people
I have been working with some of the same people for years and years, and yet I find myself nervous about going to ask them a question (work-related). I am more comfortable with email or IM since I don't feel that I'm intruding/interrupting as much.
I also hate making phone calls and public speaking (avoid it at all costs). I am terrified of entertaining and rarely do it.
Yet in the right circumstances, with people I'm comfortable with in a social or work setting, I come off as the life of the party, crack jokes, laugh a lot, and most would *not* consider me an introvert. I come across as social and friendly, but I do have social anxiety, no doubt about it.
I was a very shy child. Painfully so. I'm much less that way now, but still have my triggers.
Emily
I was a painfully shy child and am still a reserved adult when I am not amongst friends. This makes me seem stuck up but I do not feel I am. I have gone as far as to avoid people I know casually at the store or not seek out someone at an event. I am not great with breaking into a group and therefore have a very small group of friends. Most of my friends took months to become a friend. Even then I feel as though my friends aren't as close as other people's friends. Much like Emily I can come off as the life of the party with our group of friends (mostly ones I know through DH) but one on one I am still uncomfortable. I struggle with eye contact and feel very fidgety. I am thankfully comfortable in a professional situation.
Oddly my parents and brother are incredibly outgoing. They never seem to have discomfort starting a conversation with a perfect stranger. My dad is a little like me but my mom and brother could have a rousing conversation with a tree.