training with the guys

Hey ladies...here's the dealio

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and i are having a rough time right now and I could use some advice...maybe some of you have been here before.

BF is the one who got me into riding a year ago. The first summer was great! We rode together often with no problem. After a while, he started to want to teach me things and he became more of a coach figure than my BF. With that said, i always became defensive when he tried to coach me..because i just wanted to have fun riding my bike.

A year later, Aaron decides to take a break off the bike and the racing scene...oddly enough...thats when I decide to get involved with racing and training. I get involved with a LBS and do group rides, training rides, and start making friends that were on the same level as me...as well as some male racers who wanted to give me some tips. I would invite BF on every ride i went on, he chose not to.

I dont like to ride alone in my town so some of the guys from the LBS offer to ride with me. Half of them are married and i have my BF, so in my eyes, i see nothing wrong with it at all. They all know aaron, and aaron knows all of them....They see me as a "little sister" and i see them as big brothers who are looking out for me.

The issue is BF feels jealous of the time they get to spend with me. BF and I cannot ride with eachother any more because he just wants to teach me...and i dont want to be coached by my BF. I'm fine with taking pointers from the guys at the LBS, but for some reason when it comes to BF, i get defensive.

This has caused problems now because I have decided to train for a tri...and some of the LBS guys are as well. There is no way i choose to train with the guys over spending time with BF...i even invite him along...but he chooses not to.

I guess i just have different views...i'm a firm believer in being able to have male friends and it being completely innocent on both sides. I enjoy training with the guys...and i have a fun time. BF is trying to work on understanding this...because he would never have a friendship with another girl (which i encourage). He says i'm the only girl he wants influencing his life...but i just can't help that i enjoy the innocent training time with the boys. YES there are girls at the LBS that i train with as well...they just aren't as into and wont train consistently.


the novel is over...ever been here before?

I think that it is your bf's issue. My hubs rides and runs with several woman. Honestly, I have no idea whether they are single or attached...I is more about my husband rather than the other women. I've never even given it a second thought that he exercises with other women (and men).

Yes, a lot of folks have posted here with your same story.
You need to sit down and look him in the eye and ask why you two can't ride together without him wanting to teach you all the time; he's not your father.

Next; the fact is, if you are training for a tri; you really are taking a lot of time away from your relationship - remember, you used to ride together. He got a lot of joy out of playing coach with you; might even be why he got involved with you in the first place.
It's clear to me he's not happy with this new development.
You have to find a way to keep him happy if you want the relationship to continue. If all you do is TRIs and tri training, and he's not involved, you might be in trouble..
the golden word is compromise. You BOTH have to do it for a relationship to work.
M

I guess I have a different take on this...I don't think it is up to you to make your BF happy. Truthfully, nobody can truly make someone else happy...happiness comes from within. If he can't get over his trust issues, which IMO is what his problem is, then I see a rocky road ahead of you. I agree that compromise is essential but you've asked him to ride with you and the other guys...he doesn't want to. Do what makes you happy, you two haven't made a lifelong commitment to each other yet....

wow thank you girls very much for your feedback.


i have to give him credit...he is being such a trooper. i really think they way he was raised has a lot to do with the jealousy he has of the time i had with the guys. they will text me and ask to go run....and if he sees that he still gets a little erked...but is working on dealing with it. this is a big test in our relationship....


he has stated over and over that this is HIS problem and i am doing nothing wrong. i just pray his issues get resolved. he explains that he wants me to do what makes me happy...so i love him for that. it is purely an issue he has....and we are working on it!!!

any other input? thanks girls.

Jealousy stinks and is never, ever, healthy or good for a relationship. If he doesn't trust you to ride with others, there's more issues than just who rides with who.

That said, you also have to be open to ways to spend time with him. If you spend more time with others than you do with him, it's reasonable for him to say "what the heck?"

It's all about balance, being true to yourself and allow him to be true to himself. You have to know how to compromise, but I think the give and take of a relationship is something you always have to work at.

It's funny how many people meet and fall in love and then spend years trying to change the things they don't like about the other person. That just doesn't work. I guess that's why the vows say "for better or worse".

I often chime in on these, because I've been here before. I like what Mimi said.

No, it's not just HIS problem...as long as there are TWO people in a relationship, every problem requires mutual resolution and mutual understanding. The key is that he's trying to understand and is "being a trooper" and I think you care as well.

For me, I got over it when I got to know the guys (and their wives). It was the guys I didn't trust...

I am a triathlete and I was married. I spent a ton of time training and my ex did not do a lot of training with me. He let me go off and play with the boys but that didn't do the trick. We needed more time together. Unfortunately, our priorities had diverged enough that it wasn't possible for us to find a good middle ground and now we're no longer a couple. I honestly believe that part of that came from our inability to find things to do together.

So here's my advice. Can you talk to him about not wanting to be coached by him and find a way to ride together? Have you explored why it is that you do not like him giving you riding tips all the time? Have you asked him why he feels it necessary to coach you?

If he feels secure in his relationship with you and you with your relationship with him, it will not matter that you train a lot or spend time training with other guys. But you won't feel secure with each other until you talk about the issues and try to figure out what's going on from both of your sides. Being controlling is not cool, nor is jealousy. But, you need to figure out where all this is coming from. Relationships are a 2 way street. It is not just his issue, it's also not just yours.

Indeed, jealousy stinks. I should know, I'm the jealous one around here. I don't know where it comes from, I've read all the theory and it doesn't quite jibe. I think it has a little to do with an overactive imagination, personally.

No matter the reason, what works (at least some), is meeting and getting to know the person/people you're jealous of. It's a lot easier to be jealous of a nameless and in your mind amazingly athletic and charming and cute and flirtatious person that your SO is having a ball with, than being jealous of ol' Brad with the paunch and wife and 3 kids who isn't really that funny but a good sport to ride with. And observing how your SO isn't falling over herself to make an impression on Brad, but simply out there to ride with a riding buddy.

Body language does tell you a lot more than words, and observing how two people act together will set your mind at rest a lot more than anybody telling you how innocent it all is.

Did that make sense?

yes all of that did make sense!!

thank you girls for putting me in perspective and telling me if i am in this relationship...then it is my issue as well.

aaron and i are very good about when something is wrong...we take a few days...and then come together and resolve it.

on this issue....we took a few months. then within the few weeks we have been trying to come together to resolve it. it's just a bigger issue than we have ever had to deal with so its taking longer.

he's such a great guy. this is the way he is thinking, "you never wanted to train before...much less do a tri. this is just new to me, your a completely new person within a few days. i love you and i support you in your training...and with guys. i can't lie to you and tell you that im not jealous of the time they get with you, but i can deal with it because i know its what makes you happy. you like training with the guys and you have friendships with them. i would never get in the way of that...i'm going to be rooting you on"

=)

it almost makes me feel guilty for him trying SO hard just to let me train....is that wrong?

i'm so happy that we are working it out but its still going to take time. you girls have given me so much to think about!!!

I agree with lots of things the other ladies are saying. The jealousy seems like something he is really struggling with, but it is more complicated than that, and so there are things that you can be sensitive about.

Also, it sounds like you want to spend time with him, but he doesn't choose to ride with you. However, he has made it clear he doesn't want to ride right now (by always saying no), which has created sort of a weird cyclic pattern. (of you asking anyway, maybe to prove your not interested in the lbs dudes/calm his jealousy/worry??) Maybe it is time to find something new that you and your bf do really like to do together, so that he feels like you guys still have some special activity. And, talk directly about all of these things. Maybe you guys can just has through it. It does seem like there are lots of complicated layers of "I think she is thinking...and I think he is thinking" that could be eliminated by asking directly.

And/or, like Wahine suggested---have you talked to him about why you get frustrated riding with him? ((but how you would still really like to under X condition)).

Nothing is wrong with having male friends for females.

Good luck!

I reread the OP, and I think that the changes in roles probably matters a lot. He's gone from being the experienced one and the fittest one, to being the one in the background watching you improve and gain experience, with help from "everybody else but him".

I'm guessing things would be better if he either were racing again himself, or if you could find some way to let him help you. Even if he's not on a ride (and even if you don't really need it), you can talk things through, ask for his advice, say you'd appreciate his input because he has more experience. Everybody likes to feel needed and necessary, and maybe feeling competent about racing and training is something important to him.