Getting over fear after getting hit

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02-15-2008, 12:05 PM
Spec&TrekGirl

Getting over fear after getting hit

I have what I think is a unique problem. My husband used to be an avid runner and cyclist (recreational level) until he got hit by a car - broad-sided by a left turner when he was riding downhill at a fairly high speed. This was 14 years ago and we met briefly a few weeks before this happened and started dating shortly after. Anyway, his injuries weren't too terrible - several broken toes, a broken wrist, and mainly, a lot of rough cartilage under both knee caps which ended his running due to pain and limits his bike riding. Could have been much worse as he just started wearing a helmet the week before this happened and the helmet broke hitting the pavement.

The problem is...he has a problem with me riding in traffic. I've always loved riding bikes, taking 20-30 miles rides was a regular thing in my early 20's, up to the time we got together. We started doing a lot of hiking and other things together and I knew it bothered him a lot when I'd ride my bike so a slowly got out of that entirely. We have 2 kids who are 6 & 8 now and he has nightmares about them getting hit by a car on their bikes. He only wants them to ride on trails, not in traffic at all including just around the neighborhood.

We both grew up with bikes such a huge part of our childhood and I really don't think we should forbid our kids from such a normal part of childhood. I recently got interested in road biking again to lose weight and I just miss the fun of it! So I got a beautiful Trek 1600 last week and have taken a few get acquainted ride to learn to use the clipless (used cages before). Anyway, he's a bit pissed off about the whole idea because he knows that I know how much it bothers him. But I don't think his fears should keep me from doing something as health as bike riding.

Any suggestions on how to get him over the fear of me and the kids riding in traffic? Anyone gone through something similar? I like to think that me getting back into road biking should help him get used to the idea and I can get him to accept the kids riding around the neighborhood...maybe?

Thanks for any advice you have.
02-15-2008, 12:41 PM
mimitabby

Welcome to TE Spec& Trek!

Wow, I think you're doing the right thing, I don't think it's fair for him to put his fears on you and your kids.

Someone else will weigh in here shortly, good luck.
02-15-2008, 12:59 PM
OakLeaf

Is there a safety course offered in your area? A lot of police departments sponsor a kids' cycling safety clinic every year. For adults, maybe there's the kind of thing that Silver's going to be teaching. And if so, I think HE should take the course with you.

Do you know any male cyclists who have kids, that you could get to talk with him? I think it's very hard for men to open up with women about their fears without getting all controlling, and it really sounds like he's got some PTSD going on.

Most of the time this subject arises it's when someone WANTS to get over their fear and is having trouble doing so. It's going to be tough if he doesn't want to, which is how you make it sound. My next door neighbors actually made the compromise you're making now - he can dirt bike all he likes, but no motorcycling on the street :(
02-15-2008, 02:37 PM
Technotart

Quote:

Originally Posted by OakLeaf

Is there a safety course offered in your area?

I second that - check www.bikeleague.org for courses and instructors in your area! It appears there may be, sometimes they just need someone to round up a group and they will teach a course. I HIGHLY recommend Road I!

.
02-15-2008, 03:59 PM
Dianyla

If he is still making this much fuss because of something that happened to him 14 years ago, I would speculate that that either:

a) Your DH needs some degree of counselling to deal with this past trauma.

b) Maybe this has nothing to do with the bike, and everything to do with control.

Yeah, riding a bike is dangerous. So is driving a car, walking across the street, and so many other things associated with living. He needs to get over it.
02-15-2008, 04:48 PM
Mr. Bloom

Welcome spec&trek...I'm one of the token males who hangs out here...along with my wife Silver - who was in a severe wreck about 18 months ago.

I'm not going to take a side in this, because you're both equally right.

Having said that, I will offer my perspective...that I don't think is gender biased. Because we have similar issues to reconcile here, Silver suggested I respond.

It's great that you want to ride again and I don't think that you're being wreckless to want you or your family to ride bikes. It's also reasonable for him to have genuine concern for his family's safety and well being...

I think there are two issues here:
- mutual respect (as Dianyla describes as "control"): He feels offended that you're not sensitive to his fear and you feel offended that he's imposing his fear on your freedom. I think that this can be reconciled over time, but right now, it seems that there's a gap (and each of you has turned the other way, folded your arms tight and tapping your toe waiting for the other one to change) :oI really mean that sincerely and with no disrespect:)
- his somewhat rational fear and concern: this is where I think the bikeleague courses are a great idea

You know, as I re-read this, I've really just ditto'd Dianyla...but she just said it with fewer words...the true mark of wisdom;)

:DSo, I agree with Dianyla:D However,I'd just suggest that you not tell him to "get over it", but rather talk and work with him so that he'll get more comfortable over time. Time and good experience nurture comfort.
02-15-2008, 05:10 PM
tulip

I think Mr. Silver and Danylea (sorry, wrong name) are both right. I also think that it's a very big job for you alone. Counseling is a very good idea.
02-18-2008, 02:52 PM
pinkychique

Congrats on getting back on the bike!

I agree with many of the above, but I think that counseling in some form is going to be really really helpful. It sounds so much like PTSD, and that is something that really needs professional help.

He doesn't have an irrational fear, but learning to not need to control everything, that in effect nothing is in anyone's control, would help him to move past his accident and his fear of you and your children being hurt.

Best of luck :)
02-18-2008, 05:30 PM
PscyclePath

To second what Oakleaf and Techno-Tart mentioned, going to one of the League Road I courses might be a good start; since Road I basically covers traffic skills and defensive cycling.

One thing that we do here locally to ease folks into urban cycling are the "Critical Manners" rides once a month, where we get together and do a ride under supervision (LCIs at the front and back of the group) in early evening downtown traffic, stopping along the way at a local restaurant for supper or snacks, then looping back to the starting point.

I used to be deathly scared of heights. I got it literally beaten out of me in ROTC and the officer training classes, where they made me not only climb up all that stuff, but then jump off of them when I got to the top. I can't speak to the gentleness of the method, but it certainly worked by making you face and ultimately overcome your fears.

Tom
02-20-2008, 06:40 AM
Spec&TrekGirl

Thanks for all the advice!

Thanks for all the encouragement and advice! I followed the link to bikeleague and the Road I course looks like an excellent idea - for both of us hopefully. I know I wasn't exactly a defensive or safe rider back in my teens/twenties. I wasn't aware that there were classes like this available.

I'm not sure how I came across this forum, I think its really great, especially for those of us not involved in a local group of riders. Thanks for all the welcoming comments!

Took my first 20 mile ride yesterday and can't wait to get back on the bike! Even though its only supposed to be in the 30's I might have to take another ride today.

I'm really hoping I can get him to try a road bike again even if we stick to the bike trails as they are plentiful around here. It's just so fun!
02-28-2008, 07:31 PM
NbyNW

Post-traumatic stress disorder

I just want to chime in with others that counseling might be helpful for your DH, as well as the two of you together, to help you communicate with each other about your feelings on this issue.

To illustrate, a brief background on my own experience with injury, recovery, and fear of "getting back on the horse."

I got seriously hurt about 18 months ago while working on a design-build in a foreign country. A large gate fell on me and my sacrum was fractured. I had to be flown home, couldn't put any weight on my right side for six weeks, and went through months of PT.

Immediately after my accident, I was on an emotional high; I was just happy to be alive, happy the doctors were telling me that they didn't expect me to have any permanent damage. (I'm still walking with a limp)

About six months out, when I began to get back into my normal routine, I started to have nightmares about my accident, and about any other kind of accident my brain could imagine while I was asleep. I became depressed. I live in Seattle and when I visited the new Olympic Sculpture Park some of the art pieces caused me to have anxiety attacks. I would be afraid to cross the street in some places, because in Seattle we have some intersections that have no stop signs and no traffic lights, although drivers are supposed to yield to pedestrians.

I felt really embarrassed and ashamed of my fears, but I knew I couldn't continue to function that way, so I found a counselor who specialized in PTSD and injury recovery and it was tremendously helpful. Some joint sessions with my DH have also been really helpful, since we were not in sync in terms of how I felt about my injury and what he went through when I got injured. It took me a while to convince DH to do the joint sessions, though. He's now glad we did.

Riding my bike actually feels more natural to me than walking, but since I am also worried about the dangers of riding in traffic, I'm planning to take some of those safety classes that I've seen others mentioned in this thread.

It sounds like your DH went through a hard time with his injuries and doesn't want to see the same happen to you or your children. The safety classes might help address that, but if his brain is hard-wired to expect the worst, I'd really recommend getting some outside-third-party objective help.

Injuries should not stop you from enjoying the things you love. You learn that fire is hot by getting too close, right? But it's still beautiful, and great for roasting marshmallows.

-Jocelyn
02-29-2008, 03:59 AM
OakLeaf

I've got the opposite problem

DH got a new road bike which I should be really excited about, except that at 53 he still rides like a 9-year-old boy. On and off sidewalks, in and out of traffic :eek:

I totally can't get him to understand how much it scares me. I think he would take a safety course, since we both take the motorcycle safety course to brush up at regular intervals. Unfortunately it looks like the Road I course is only offered one weekend all year in our area and he's got prior commitments. I'd like to take it myself with a local instructor - Florida definitely has some BIZARRE traffic situations that I don't really have my head around.
02-29-2008, 05:34 AM
PscyclePath

Quote:

Originally Posted by OakLeaf

DH got a new road bike which I should be really excited about, except that at 53 he still rides like a 9-year-old boy. On and off sidewalks, in and out of traffic :eek:

I totally can't get him to understand how much it scares me. I think he would take a safety course, since we both take the motorcycle safety course to brush up at regular intervals. Unfortunately it looks like the Road I course is only offered one weekend all year in our area and he's got prior commitments. I'd like to take it myself with a local instructor - Florida definitely has some BIZARRE traffic situations that I don't really have my head around.

Oakleaf:

What town do you live in? There's sort of a backchannel listserver for the LCI community; maybe I can fish around and find somebody who's willing to put one on for you. Otherwise, the classes sort of get scheduled when somebody feels like it...

Getting LCIs out into the far corners of various states to do classes has been a running topic for the past couple of days anyway...

Tom
03-01-2008, 04:26 PM
elk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Silver

Welcome spec&trek...

- mutual respect (as Dianyla describes as "control"): He feels offended that you're not sensitive to his fear and you feel offended that he's imposing his fear on your freedom. I think that this can be reconciled over time, but right now, it seems that there's a gap (and each of you has turned the other way, folded your arms tight and tapping your toe waiting for the other one to change) :oI really mean that sincerely and with no disrespect:)
.

I'm going to print this out and hang it on my wall!!!!
03-01-2008, 05:31 PM
kat_h

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spec&TrekGirl

Any suggestions on how to get him over the fear of me and the kids riding in traffic? Anyone gone through something similar? I like to think that me getting back into road biking should help him get used to the idea and I can get him to accept the kids riding around the neighborhood...maybe?

I felt similarly after my car crash 2 years ago. Someone ran a light right in front of me, I couldn't stop, I hit him, wrote off my car and made me best friends with the chiropractor. After that I wouldn't drive. I took the bus to work even though it took 4 hours. I walked everywhere else. Finally I started driving again and hated it. I was scared of everything. One night on my way home from work someone changed lanes without looking and I had to swerve onto the grass to avoid being hit. I avoided being hit, the other driver probably never noticed, and once I stopped shaking I made it home. After that I started to be okay again. I knew that I could still avoid most problems.

Since I started commuting by bike people always ask if I worry about the cars around me. I do worry, but not enough to quit biking. A few months ago a drunk driver smashed a truck through the wall of the restaurant next door to where I work and hospitalised the owner who was in the kitchen cooking. Would you stop going to restaurants because you're scared of being hit by a car? Probably not. Life is a constant balance between doing what we can to live fully, and doing it as safely as possible to live longer.