...right out of your hair!

[Lise]

As in ride that man right out of your hair!

So today at work, I was internally grousing about how it's gorgeous today in Chicago, a perfect spring evening the likes of which we almost never see in April...and I have these cute spring-date-night clothes that almost never get worn...and that stupid-guy-who-stopped-returning-my-phone-calls should be taking me out on a fabulous date!!! :mad: Ahem. Noooo, we don't date stupid guys anymore, Lise....

Ah! The BIKE! The beeuouteous bike! Hopped on and rode and rode. 18 mi roundtrip. Rode down to one of the most lovely spots in Chicago. If you come visit us, take a stroll down the roadway between the Shedd Aquarium and the Adler Planetarium. Half-way along, stop, turn, and look out over the lake to the city. Your heart will soar. Mine did.

Alas, the route continues to confound me. Urban adventure, avoiding suddenly flung open taxi doors, pedestrians gone mad, rollerbladers talking on the phone (?!?). I will find a way to get down to the Museum campus and parts south without traversing the lakefront north branch. So when I wasn't dodging taxis, I was cogitating on route variations.

It being early in the season, I forgot that one bottle of water + no snacks = really hungry and thirsty. :o Yeeessss....it's all coming back to me!

The bike is so wonderful. I mean, I was at 17 mph between stop signs! Oh, how I dream of a long stretch where I can ride full-out without worrying about running into anybody. I will find it!

Glad I'm not out on a date with a stupid guy right now. Smiling, fed, hydrated, and my muscles buzzing with endorphins. :D

[janetsplanet]

I find men replaceable and changeable but a good bike is hard to find...
You will find a better one..I can feel it.

[DrBee]

The right man is out there somewhere. He'll show up where and when you least expect him. At least you have that beautiful bike to keep you going! That will never change! Consistency is a good thing :)

[KnottedYet]

Biking helps in so many ways! When my s.o. and I are too grumpy to speak, we go for a bike ride. Or multiple multiple RIDES. When I moved out for a while we still met for rides. When you do something you love together, it's easier to remember that you really do love that person. (even if they aren't perfect. 'Course, we are perfect, it's just them that aren't perfect...) ;)

I agree with the others, you'll find someone when you least expect it.

(seems like the ones I find when I'm LOOKING are the worst)

[Trek420]

where's that thread, ah, here:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=2534&highlight=praise

there can be advantages to cycling single, and the bike can cure so many ills. I agree with Knottedyet, always seem to meet the best people when we stop looking.

And then you'll have the most amazing legs :)

When you do find a single, sane, non-stupid, non-sedentary guy, ask him if he has a sister in the Bay Area you can introduce me to will ya?

[bikerz]

Hey Lise - sounds like a great ride! And the perfect attitude!

I'm suddenly single after my 14-year relationship ended - and totally dreading sidling into the dating scene as a 40-something (good grief - I was still in my 20's last time I was single!)

But a friend of mine told me way back then that I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful way to think - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!

Meanwhile ride, ride, ride and give that really great guy time to get ready for you!

[Lise]

where's that thread, ah, here:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=2534&highlight=praise

When you do find a single, sane, non-stupid, non-sedentary guy, ask him if he has a sister in the Bay Area you can introduce me to will ya?
Thanks, Trek, that was a fun read! I'll definitely keep my ears out for that fabulous sister in the Bay Area. Only my aversion to long-distance relationships will keep me from flying out to check her out myself! ;) L.

[Trek420]

bikerz sez "a friend of mine told me...I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful... - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!"

I dunno about that, I've given the next ms Trek over 50 years now to get ready to go. Cheezits, how long's it take the gal? I didn't think I'm that complex or demanding. :rolleyes: ;) :cool:

But on the other hand good theory, whatever takes the pressure off is ok by me.

OT I think Queen and her DP are on the road as we speak headed for the sunshine and Southwest. Maybe they will bring the sun this way.

[Lise]

Hey Lise - sounds like a great ride! And the perfect attitude!

I'm suddenly single after my 14-year relationship ended - and totally dreading sidling into the dating scene as a 40-something (good grief - I was still in my 20's last time I was single!)

But a friend of mine told me way back then that I hadn't met my next partner because they were still busy getting ready for me. I found it a helpful way to think - it kind of took the pressure off, and who knows, maybe it was even true!

Meanwhile ride, ride, ride and give that really great guy time to get ready for you!
Sorry to hear about the end of what you'd put so much time and love into. I hope that next one is getting ready and looking for me...I learned, and will keep learning, a lot about myself in the past month. Hope it makes me more ready to be discerning and open to the next "right" one. Same for you, for us all. L.

[betagirl]

I too wonder how you talk on the phone and rollerblade at the same time....

Guy demons be gone!

[Trek420]

betagirl "Guy demons be gone!"

wouldn't that make a great name for a Shampoo as in "It'll wash that man right outa your..." :cool: ;) :rolleyes:

[Grog]

Hey Lise,

I found this out of the cellar archives. Enjoy the passages about "fit". :)

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=3194

Ride on girl!!

[Lise]

Thanks for the link, Grog. Good reading. I've been reflecting, this week, on my desire for the prestige of having a partner. The old idea that "I'll show the world I'm OK because so-and-so wants to be with me." What an abuse of another human being that really is. This guy who disappeared did not fit well with me, obviously. He had external aspects that met my desire for prestige and security. He reminded me of my dad, in good ways. He looks good on paper. We had physical "chemistry". He is an ex-pro baseball player, and listens to/watches sports a lot. But he showed no interest in my athletic endeavors. There would be no rides or runs with this guy. I was already wondering how I was going to date him and train for triathlons and my first century ride this summer.

He just did me a favor by taking himself out of the picture sooner rather than later. I would've appreciated the dignity of "good-bye", but there's another piece of evidence that we were not a good fit.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 5 years longer than I should have. The first episode of physical violence should have been the last. Of course, I had just sold all my furniture and moved in and told everybody that at last I'd found my soul mate, blah, blah, blah. Prestige. Couldn't admit I was wrong. What a powerful skill that is. To be able to say, "I was wrong".

By the time I was out of that, I was 30# overweight, I'd cut my hair to within an inch of my scalp, etc, every outward manifestation of misery possible. I found some new friends who are active, healthy, and working the 12 step program I've been part of for 21 years now, but had let that practice slide. So, now, six years later, here I am. An athlete. I'm active in my own spiritual and physical well-being. My hair's below my shoulders, and I can walk away from an unhappy end to a dating relationship with dignity and some sense of humor. Here sure beats there!

Here's to all of us who know the value of a good hard ride on a beloved bike. :) L.

[Grog]

What you say Lise about prestige is right, even if I probably would have used the word "security" instead. Emotional security, I mean.

I will not deny that one of the great advantages of sharing a life with someone is (or should be) occasional reassurance on self-worth. Having someone to hug you, to tell you 'I love you' and 'It's all going to be fine' is great on a tough day when feelings of uncertainy about competence or capacities abound. Friends can play that role, but they're not necessarily around. When single, tough days can seem more frequent, and building this reassurance can be hard.

I am happy to have been through periods of celibacy in my life. Those were good times (mostly), when I learned a lot about myself. Yet, I'm also happy that I met someone else (after starting that thread you just read). And I'm still learning a lot.

You're totally right that the first episode of abuse is one too many. It is strange how human beings - mostly women it seems - can live with the contradiction of finding emotional security in someone abusing them. But I understand how it can happen, and I am very admiring of you for emerging out of that relation a few years ago (and become an amazing chick in the meantime!!!).

So I agree that we shouldn't stay in relationships for the sake of prestige or security, although I recognize how hard it is to walk out of that. When I look back on that relationship that ended in June for me, I realize how unfulfilling it was on the emotional side, even if there were other aspects of the relationship that were interesting. Still, I had decided to put up with that, and it ended up being him that left me. Good for me! I have been lucky enough to meet someone who's totally caring and considerate, who not only loves to cycle but also encourages and inspires me in going further, in athletics and other areas. Of course not everything is perfect - I don't believe in the perfect fit, even if I find the metaphor useful - but I am slowly learning to discern what I find really, really important in a relationship, and what doesn't matter that much.

There are good guys out there. And you're a great girl. I am confident that you'll meet a good match sometime, but in the meantime I also know that you're so strong that you'll have no problem being on your own. Plus, you need time to train, right?

[Lise]

Thanks, Grog. I am delighted to hear that you connected with a wonderful man, and not too long after. I *do* need the time to train! L.

[Running Mommy]

Hey Lise- You've got it right!! Clearly your head is 'screwed on straight" as my dad would say.
And yeah, when your not looking *the* guy will fall into your lap. And for some reason I have this feeling you will meet him on a bike.... hmmmm....
I'm not psychic but I *did* stay at a holiday inn last night!:D Oh wait, that was the Monte Carlo, oh well never mind..:p

And as for long stretches.... Well I've got the Sun Valley parkway here. 26 miles each way, no stops, nearly no traffic, mix of hills and flats, and a bike lane as wide as a car lane... :D
All that's missing is YOU!

[Geonz]

And... you can be celibate and share quarters with people who give you that security, too ( the emotional kind as well as the ones to bring you drinks and aspirin when you have the flu and come out and get you when cars take off your friends' back tire on the corners). I've maintained that I've been single for so long because I keep forgetting to be unhappy about it... and finding a guy smart enough to keep up with me and dumb enough to put up wiht me is a bit of a challenge :=-)

[Trek420]

Grog,

no fair getting us all pensive and such and then not telling us that you "got the guy".

So, howdja meet?

[bikerchick68]

I find men replaceable and changeable but a good bike is hard to find...
You will find a better one..I can feel it.

Oh My Gawd!!! PLEASE tell me I can have that made into to a license plate frame...??? :D Brilliant!

[Trek420]

bikerchick68 "Oh My Gawd!!! PLEASE tell me I can have that made into to a license plate frame...??? :D Brilliant!"

or a jersey :cool:

[Grog]

Grog,

no fair getting us all pensive and such and then not telling us that you "got the guy".

So, howdja meet?

heeeeeee.... believe it or not, he was the 'guy next door'. Or actually, five doors away. At the university college where I live (a graduate residence).

The first time I saw him he was dressed in bike clothes, helmet, sunglasses and all, coming back from a ride, going up the stairs with his nice Trek road bike in hand. I was going down these same stairs. All I found to say was 'Cool bike' (At least I didn't comment on the amazing legs :eek: )

Luckily I eventually had other occasions to get to know him better. :)

And by the way, for all times I said something about men or guys, you could of course replace that by women and gals. :) I want my hope to be fair for every type of girl out there!

[tprevost]

Hey Lise,

I've been reading your saga and just wanted to tell you what a great attitude you have. I know its probably not as straight forward as it is on paper but I think you are SO cool and I'm sure the perfect guy will show up when its time. I had my heart broken by someone I thought was my perfect soulmate and that time in my life was so miserable - hugely depressed, angry etc etc etc. However, looking back, I realized that getting over him was the biggest growth experience in my life. I also realized that I just didn't think I was worthy of him; my self confidence came through that healing period hugely improved.

Now we are good friends and he kicks himself for breaking my heart! In retrospect, if I had met him as I am now, we'd probably do great HOWEVER, in the interim, I really did meet my soulmate and I wouldn't want the darned heartbreaker anyway! HUMPH!!! (although, I do admit, its kinda fun knowing he knows he blew it! :p )

Just thought I'd share my story as an example of everything turning out okay in the end. Your happy ending is coming too!

Tracy

ps. Since you are doing your first century this summer, why don't you hoof it on over to Utah and do LRRH???? Come on Lise, its gonna be SO fun!!! ;)

[ladyfish]

Lise, I've been reading this thread and that's the thought that popped into my head. "If you build it they will come". What to build? Yourself! Work at being healthy (biking, of course) and happy. Do what makes you happy. Walk around knowing that you are a great person, and people are better for knowing you. When you do that, you will find others will start recognizing your self confidence, and your happiness. That is sexy. Then when you aren't even thinking about it, "they will come"!!! Be happy being you. That's the most important thing. Everything else is just icing on the cake!!!

Have a wonderful life!!

[tprevost]

Well Said, Ladyfish!

T~

[KSH]

Thanks for the link, Grog. Good reading. I've been reflecting, this week, on my desire for the prestige of having a partner. The old idea that "I'll show the world I'm OK because so-and-so wants to be with me." What an abuse of another human being that really is. This guy who disappeared did not fit well with me, obviously. He had external aspects that met my desire for prestige and security. He reminded me of my dad, in good ways. He looks good on paper. We had physical "chemistry". He is an ex-pro baseball player, and listens to/watches sports a lot. But he showed no interest in my athletic endeavors. There would be no rides or runs with this guy. I was already wondering how I was going to date him and train for triathlons and my first century ride this summer.

He just did me a favor by taking himself out of the picture sooner rather than later. I would've appreciated the dignity of "good-bye", but there's another piece of evidence that we were not a good fit.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 5 years longer than I should have. The first episode of physical violence should have been the last. Of course, I had just sold all my furniture and moved in and told everybody that at last I'd found my soul mate, blah, blah, blah. Prestige. Couldn't admit I was wrong. What a powerful skill that is. To be able to say, "I was wrong".

By the time I was out of that, I was 30# overweight, I'd cut my hair to within an inch of my scalp, etc, every outward manifestation of misery possible. I found some new friends who are active, healthy, and working the 12 step program I've been part of for 21 years now, but had let that practice slide. So, now, six years later, here I am. An athlete. I'm active in my own spiritual and physical well-being. My hair's below my shoulders, and I can walk away from an unhappy end to a dating relationship with dignity and some sense of humor. Here sure beats there!

Here's to all of us who know the value of a good hard ride on a beloved bike. :) L.

Wow. What an amazing lady you are. To have gone through so much... and still have such a warm, wonderful spirit! And to be an athlete now... impressive!

I understand what you mean by "prestige". I would love telling people I was married... to be "in the club"... but the reality of it, was that it was a miserable hell.

I too could not be wrong. I had met my "soulmate"... a month after meeting we decided to get married. A year later, we did. The night before our wedding we were fighting, and this thought came into my head... "DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN". But, I had too much pride. My friends and family had come to Mexico, and I was not going to be the screw up again... I was not going to lose face by canceling the wedding. Now, I know... I should have lost my pride and sucked up being scrutinized by my loved ones.

Since getting a divorce (he left, thankfully)... I have LOST that need to be "in the club". I don't care about having the "prestige" of having a husband... or even a boyfriend. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I know if he wasn't around, I would be just fine.

Life can be GREAT not dealing with someone else's moods... whims...desires and needs. It's so nice to focus on what you need. Men can be good to have around (only a few of them!)... but there is nothing wrong with being without one. And, let's be honest... being alone is 100 times better than dealing with a man's sh*t!

Stay focused on you and your life... make yourself happy. If someone wants to join you, great. If not, then your life will be just as wonderful!

[Lise]

You ladies are kind, generous, and wise. I'm proud to be among you. Thank you for sharing your experiences and encouraging words. There's a saying in Spanish, "Mejor sola que mal acompanada". It means better alone than with a bad partner. Sometimes my patients sit there with me, and some guy has really done them wrong. Occasionally I'll say that, mejor sola... and they smile, and nod, and know that I get it, too. It's good to be among those who understand.

You're right, Ladyfish. I built it (starting with that Schwinn from the alley), I rode my bike to heal my heart, and you all came! Always, when I move forward in faith, my heart opens more, and more joy comes in. L.

[KnottedYet]

"Be the person you want to find."

I saw that as a bumper-sticker, and then when I googled it I found out it was a book. Kinda along the lines of "if you build it they will come" but it also brings up the idea that sometimes we're looking for someone who as aspects we wish WE had; and it'd be better if we aquired those characteristics ourselves rather than trying to aquire a person who has them.

[Trek420]

Ain't it the truth.

As if to prove the point...to make a long story short my ex and I work for the same co, it's huge, don't worry TE gals, might as well be different companies.

The co has our own internal mail system. We are not and I mean not ever no way don't even think about using that for personal reasons.

So Friday I come back from break and there's this package on my desk. I'm thinking it's some kind of employee charity stuff, posters, forms whatever and open my line start taking calls...open it.

It's from my ex, she's moved in with new Gal Pal (who she probably met while still with me) and has found something that I haven't missed in 3 years and didn't need (as opposed to the stuff I actually wanted and she'd never called me back about).

No note, just stuff.

Poorly timed? Yep.
Insensitive? You betcha.
Lacking basic communication skills that G** gave a turnip? That too.

But ya know what? After a moment of sadness I thought "self?" I thought "that's one more reason you're best rid of her"

Besides I've got a waaaaay better bike than hers (it's shallow, I know but true), I put my athletic endeavors to the side for hers and 3+ years later I'm a better athlete, cyclist, I'm fitter and in better health than her....and have way better friends and I think more fun.

So Neener neener neener :cool:

[Lise]

not sure how to spell this, but here goes: uuccchhhhh! Sigh. A minor dent to the heart. They happen. You could rat her out for using the inter-office mail...:rolleyes:

Glad to hear you're stronger than ever. Glad you're not trying to make a go of it with an insensitive turnip-brain with lousy timing. I mean. Seriously.

I see my ex sometimes. We don't speak. I know I look better than when we got together 12 years ago. I look stronger.

As far as the stuff you wanted back...I call it "chewing my tail off". I left a lot of stuff behind. It was worth it, to get out of the trap. It's just stuff. Glad you've made room for the real Ms. Trek. May it be so. L.

[Trek420]

Lise

"not sure how to spell this, but here goes: uuccchhhhh!"

close, it has one more "ch", it's uucccchhhhhh!

"You could rat her out for using the inter-office mail...:rolleyes:"

Nah. I would never do that. I sent her a tactfull note reminding her once again that I've asked her to to call, e-mail or mail me at home not at work. I'd like to keep things civil. I'm actually good friends with my "ex-once removed", the relationship before this gal. I would not like things to be messy or nasty at all.

Trek-tact is my middle name-420

but she's dyed her once striking salt and pepper hair a non-descript brown because GF thinks it makes her look old :eek:
and .... I still have a way better bike ... and legs :D

[allabouteva]

Wow, I've just read this thread... This is just the best community there is! The collective wisdom, support and genuine friendship is very moving.

KSH, I agree with you marriage is a strange thing isn't it? It can be heaven or it can be hell. And really for most of us, when we get married, who's to say whose marriage will work and whose won't? :rolleyes: I was lucky I got married awfully young (21) and now I've been married exactly half my life to my DH. I remember thinking I knew I loved him as he used to be my best buddy, but was I "IN LOVE" with him? I wasn't definitely sure when I married him that the chemistry was 'perfect'. We've had our ups and downs like all couples, but I know that cycling has definitely brought us together and we're much closer now then we were precycling.

Trek420, you're dead right! And heck yes! A better bike is def. a big point scorer in my book! Your ex sounds like a big L loser, because you've showed her.:D

And Lise, you're doing something you love, look and feel ten times better for it, so it's all good! You GO girl!!:D

[KnottedYet]

Salt-and-pepper hair is so sexy! What a waste to dye it brown!

(anyone who'd be ashamed to be seen with someone because of their hair color is likely also functioning on the turnip-brain level) (maybe they deserve eachother?)

[Trek420]

Yeah, it's a shame.

I dunno, I wish them luck, really do. It's just I've never found the "you're wonderful, you're perfect, now CHANGE!" theory in relationships to work.

But what do I know about relationships having failed this one?

It looked to me like she's doing an extreme makeover. New style is one thing but I was hearing a lot of "she doesn't want me to wear ___ anymore, thinks I look too __ ...".

You know the saying "you can always tell a Marine, you can't tell them much"? That's my ex.

Stubborn.

It's amusing as heck watching her jump through hoops.

But she's getting excercise that way =^..^=

[allabouteva]

Yeah, it's a shame.

I dunno, I wish them luck, really do. It's just I've never found the "you're wonderful, you're perfect, now CHANGE!" theory in relationships to work.

But what do I know about relationships having failed this one?

It looked to me like she's doing an extreme makeover. New style is one thing but I was hearing a lot of "she doesn't want me to wear ___ anymore, thinks I look too __ ...".

You know the saying "you can always tell a Marine, you can't tell them much"? That's my ex.

Stubborn.

It's amusing as heck watching her jump through hoops.

But she's getting excercise that way =^..^=


Sounds like she's a bit desperate and trying a bit too hard? Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

[Trek420]

Well, I do wish 'em well. Historicly I've stayed friends with my long term relationships but I don't think so this time. I know that sounds like there's whole bunches of 'em but nooo. K & her partner live on an island in the San Juans now together for almost 30 years, we keep in touch, they seem fine. Hmmm, road trip! L married S in San Francisco on Valentines day, they have been together for almost 20 years. We try to meet up for a Giants game or 2 a year. But then we've always been able to talk, couldn't live together, couldn't be together, but we sure can communicate.

Not so with this last one. But at least...she got me back into cycling. Now, if she wants to sell me her bike we could talk. Because I think Chris could put me on a 50 cm and then...2 Mondonicos ;-) And she's sure not riding it.

I think what allabouteva says about marriage "It can be heaven or it can be hell." may apply to all long term relationships. And you're sure right about "The collective wisdom, support and genuine friendship" of this board.

But enough musing, off to walk the dog.

[MomOnBike]

And Trek, don't be concerned about being a tad shallow around the edges. Even the ocean is shallow around the edges.

You're cool.

...and you still have the better bike. :D

[Geonz]

One of my regular walk-in tutees said to me one day words I have treasured ever since. Musing on her own complicated relationship, which I suspect she'd gotten into for "Im supposed to have a relationship" reasons, she said that she admired me because "you've got a house, friends who treat you like family, you've got your cycling, your church, you sing, you have a job you like, and you can wear funny socks and laugh at yourself."

[fixedgeargirl]

And Trek, don't be concerned about being a tad shallow around the edges. Even the ocean is shallow around the edges.

Golden! I love it :) ! My relationship with stbx has really been over for years, trying to hold it together for the kid. I checked out emotionally a long time ago, I've done the grieving for the connection we once had and have spent a lot of time musing about what a healthy-for-me relationship will look like. I tend to recoil from some of my more shallow *requirements* ;), like it's shameful to desire those things. I remind myself that it's important to be honest with myself, judgements be damned. Aim for the stars, accept the moon, or something like that :p .

I, too, went into this relationship with that, "look, I'm good enough to be with HIM!" attitude. Oh, how done I am with that line of thinking! This is only the second relationship I've had my entire life, but I've learned a lifetime of lessons about myself and what is good for me. This thread has been great validation and inspiration for me as I set forth on the next leg of my journey.

You ladies rock!!!!!!!!!!

[KnottedYet]

Trek420: if you do a road trip to the San Juans, make SURE you look up the rest of us while you're here!

[Trek420]

will do! I'm in process of interviewing a dog sitter suitable for Mae so in the next year or so....road trips!