Help, Divorce

[Honeypie]

I have lurked here a very long time and feel envious of all you. You seem so happy and settled.

I am going thru a divorce (my choice) after a long marriage. It is all I can do to get on my bike. I have kids, who keep me going and bring me sunshine.

My spouse is not at all being cooperative and is threatening me with everything possible. At the same time he doesn't want me to divorce him. But get this, he is dating!!

Help

[CorsairMac]

been there, done that - twice! All I can say is, the past 6 years on my own have been just about the happiest years of my life! Good Luck

[allabouteva]

Dear Honeypie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a bad patch. The wimmenfolk here are very supportive and kind.. I'm a newbie to this forum too, but I enjoy coming here and sharing.

I confess, I don't know what you're going through quite exactly, but about 10 years ago, my 2 year old son was very very sick in ICU, and then I had to take 2 years off work to stay home and look after him, not knowing how things would turn out (he had major brain damage from a serious epileptic fit). So I understand a little bit about life being bleak.

Life can be crappy. But when you come out of the other end, it can make you a stronger and better person. Your kids sound great. :) Your husband not so...:cool: Stick to your guns. And go cycling, even if you don't feel like, you might find it helps relieve the stress and pain that you're going through.

Take care,

eva

[bcipam]

I never want to see a marriage break up, especially when children are involved. Obviously finding a good marriage and family counselor is very important.

Have you ever just sat down with your husband and asked him what's not working between you two? Have you been as receptive to his needs as you expect him to be to yours? No time better than now to be open and honest (but not nagging and condescening) and try to talk things out.

It's interesting he is dating but also wants to get back together. He is obviously a man that's alittle "needy" (just my opinion based on nothing) and wants and requires the support and companionship that a woman provides. Possibly he feels he did not get that from you for whatever reason. Were you more attentive to the children? Most men want to be the center of the universe (just like a child). Was he treated that way or like a distance moon?

Before the feminists jump on me, I want you to know I don't think this is all or even your fault but marriage does take two and to be sucessful, compromise is required. Good luck. Hopefully he is a good father and wants to be in your childrens' lives. He needs to know however, that its not healthy for him to see or be with the children if he is also including a casual girlfriend in the activities. He should devote his time visiting with his children not also taking care of a girfriend. Don't take anything he does or his bad behavior personally. He is acting like an indulgent little boy. You need for him to step up and be a man for you and your children.

I feel for you and pray you receive the guidance you need. Take care.

[iFKA]

hi, I'm sorry that you're in a bad period right now, but don't forget, every period has it's end. I'm lucky and have a really wonderful boyfriend, but I have a sister whose married - and unfortunate. She married when she was 23, and after a while she gave birth to my beautiful nephew. But he was born blind, has a cyst on his little brain and can't walk yet although he is 2,5 years old. Her husband was horrible from the day one of their marriage. She is still a student, but twice a week she has to go to a therapy with Adrian (her son), once a week to a special clinic for blind kids, and once a week on a swimming pool cause it is also a therapy. For the last 5 months she is living with us, and her husband don't even ask anything about his little son, but finds the time to ask her every little where is she going, what is she doing and with who and stuff like that. Even though, she is very optimistic and cheerful person.

Don't worry, everything will be o.k. as long as you can enjoy playing with your children, be thankful for that and the rest will seem unimportant. You will get through your divorce somehow and than you can be with your new "bike friends" without anyone to tell what you should or shouldn't do.

I wanted to send you a picture of my nephew so you could see how beautiful he is - one shiny star of their marriage - but I don't know how.
Life is great, despite all the difficulties he brings.

[cindysue]

..... as usual, I risk alienating someone with my harsh words, but some things cannot be left unspoken!


It's interesting he is dating but also wants to get back together. He is obviously a man that's alittle "needy" (just my opinion based on nothing) and wants and requires the support and companionship that a woman provides. Possibly he feels he did not get that from you for whatever reason. Were you more attentive to the children? Most men want to be the center of the universe (just like a child). Was he treated that way or like a distance moon?

Oh boy!

"a little needy"?! She's not giving him what he "requires." Was she "more attentive to the children?"

Puhleeez!

I should hope she is more attentive to the children. Unlike honeypie's able husband, children "need".....

bciPam's reply reminds me of when my mother (bless her Christian heart!) said "he's just a man" when my ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly (and several other things I won't get into in this reply). Oh yeah, and she also told me I was wasting my time going to college and I should just stay married and have some kids. Can you believe that?

"interesting" indeed! When my ex said he "wanted to get back together" - he was not only dating someone, but engaged! I can only speculate.....

honeypie - I'm not a "feminist" - I'm just a gal with some experience with what you are going through. Put yourself and your children first. You deserve respect! And you deserve to be able to trust the people closest in your life.

Honey Pie: My recommendation is to:

Ask yourself if you can trust him

and

Ask yourself if he respects you

if the answer is no to either question, do yourself and your kids a favor and honestly evaluate what is important in your life. If this requires the help of a counselor, so be it..........

[BikeMomma]

..... as usual, I risk alienating someone with my harsh words, ....
Not harsh, Cindysue....truthful. The latter bit you wrote, I'm going through at the moment....
~B

[Brandi]

I went through 3 with my mom. And she liked to use us kids as pawns. So now i don't like either or all of my parents. My mom is very immature. It sounds lke you are doing rigt by sticking by your kids. Just be careful you don't loose yourself in all this. And I am sorry if he is dating and wants to get back together? that makes no sence to me. My mom and 2nd dad used to cheat on eachother and tell me about so I would tell the other they were doing it. How twisted is that!
I do not tink marriage counciling helps in all relationships. And there are just some people with no matter how open you are they won't be back. Go with your gut feelings on this no matter what. And just love and be honest with your kids. And please don't put down the other parent in front of your kids if you can. I don't know could be why I don't like any of them.Good luck! and if you need apick me up we are always here. Or at least someone will be.

[DrBee]

I've been there, too. There were no kids involved though. Hang in there. If you feel this is the best thing for you - then stick to your guns and do what it right and best for you and the kids. This is a very supportive group here. We'll help you through it.

[snapdragen]

Sorry you're having such a rough patch right now Honeypie. We are good at listening, and offering support. Sometimes that is all a person really needs, so she doesn't feel alone.

<<<<<<hug>>>>>>

[Pax]

..... as usual, I risk alienating someone with my harsh words, but some things cannot be left unspoken!



Oh boy!

"a little needy"?! She's not giving him what he "requires." Was she "more attentive to the children?"

Puhleeez!

I should hope she is more attentive to the children. Unlike honeypie's able husband, children "need".....

bciPam's reply reminds me of when my mother (bless her Christian heart!) said "he's just a man" when my ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly (and several other things I won't get into in this reply). Oh yeah, and she also told me I was wasting my time going to college and I should just stay married and have some kids. Can you believe that?

"interesting" indeed! When my ex said he "wanted to get back together" - he was not only dating someone, but engaged! I can only speculate.....

honeypie - I'm not a "feminist" - I'm just a gal with some experience with what you are going through. Put yourself and your children first. You deserve respect! And you deserve to be able to trust the people closest in your life.

Honey Pie: My recommendation is to:

Ask yourself if you can trust him

and

Ask yourself if he respects you

if the answer is no to either question, do yourself and your kids a favor and honestly evaluate what is important in your life. If this requires the help of a counselor, so be it..........
Well said cindysue.

I would add that I am a feminist and don't view that as a negative thing. I believe women are strong , capable, and powerful...the definition of feminism is: Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. We need to stop apologizing for this and realize that the old stereotypes (apparently held by bcipam) should be reviewed and hopefully discarded.

<climbing off soapbox> I'm sorry to hear about your pain Honeypie, positive vibes are headed your way. ((()))

[Selkie]

Honeypie
Hang in there, girlfriend. I survived my parent's bad marriage---Catholics who stuck with a mutually abusive relationship "for the kids" and because they thought they'd "go to hell" for divorcing. How many times did we hear my dad say, "if it weren't for you kids, I'd leave your mother." Believe me, nothing is worse than feeling like your mere existence is the reason for your parents' unhappiness. By the way, my parents went through marriage counseling---dragged us kids along once. What a nightmare.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your children. Life's difficult but you'll get through this and you'll be stronger for having survived it.
Cindy Sue's advice is right on the mark. :-) She's a wise woman, indeed.
I consider myself a "post-feminist" but believe that we ladies owe a huge debt to "feminists." Wouldn't you consider Susan B. Anthony a feminist? I'm sure glad I can vote!

[Dianyla]

It sounds like he's doing "rebound dating" instead of actually working on himself. This is not a good sign, but it is a very understandable human response. What concerns me more is the threatening/controlling behavior you mention. You may find this list of Red Flags (www.heartless-*****es.com/ rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml) to be an interesting read.

Hang in there, be there for your kids, and stay on your bike or engage in some other positive form of recreation that nourishes your spirit.

ETA: And by hang in there, I don't mean hang in there with him! :mad:

[Brandi]

oh yea ment to add this too and forgot.(((((Hug))))))! Be stronge!

[bcipam]

Gals.... I not saying "needy" is a good thing and not saying the husband is blameless. I'm just saying if the marriage is to work, some examination is required. I'm all about doing what is right by the children. If it's best the kids have an intact home with mom and dad then that's what's needs to be worked on.

If the husband is a needy guy, then that needs to be recognized and dealt with but not catered to. I do not believe poor behavior should be condoned. But if all of the attention has been given to the kids and not to the husband, that does need to be examined because that's poor behavior as well.

Get yourselves to a good marriage counselor. Try and make the marriage work. At least until the children are older and out of the house. You might be surprised how better things are when the adults stop focusing on their own "wants" and both focus on the wants and needs of the children.

[wabisabi]

I don't think we can understand what it is like to be in your shoes, but can offer caring, and a belief that you are figuring out what is best for you. I hope you can manage to get on your bike, and find it it the wonderful sense of sheer joy, freedom and strength that we all find. It can be a great way to take care of yourself.

[SadieKate]

Sorry you're having such a rough patch right now Honeypie. We are good at listening, and offering support. Sometimes that is all a person really needs, so she doesn't feel alone.

<<<<<<hug>>>>>>Yeah, what she said.

Honeypie, sounds like the divorce decision is made. Be strong and do what needs to be done for you and your children. I can't even guess at all the history that has brought you to this point and would never presume to offer unrequested advice.

Let's all just share the box of bon-bons, OK? Honeypie, I don't like the funny pink or green gooey centers, you want them?

[Honeypie]

You all have my best interest in mind, even though you have differing views. I appreciate it believe me.

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. Kids are older in HS. They don't want to live with him. He never went to their games, programs, took them to doctor. I worked the entire marriage and went to school at night, did all the house work, yard work, painted the house. I was not allowed to talk on the phone, make money decisions, even go shopping alone. We did seperate for 2 years, I took him back, the cops were at my door within a few days.

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

[ladyfish]

Good luck, and hang tough. Remember, exercise (cycling) is a great stress reliever and will make you feel better. I know when I'm going through rough times, exercise has been my outlet.

Listen to yourself, respect your feelings and take care of the kids. Everything else will fall into the proper place.

[bcipam]

You all have my best interest in mind, even though you have differing views. I appreciate it believe me.

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. Kids are older in HS. They don't want to live with him. He never went to their games, programs, took them to doctor. I worked the entire marriage and went to school at night, did all the house work, yard work, painted the house. I was not allowed to talk on the phone, make money decisions, even go shopping alone. We did seperate for 2 years, I took him back, the cops were at my door within a few days.

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

Geez why didn't say that before... you probably stayed way too long. No abuse from either spouse should ever be tolerated. Especially when children are around, even in HS. Get out, go home to your mom and dad (if possible) so the kids and you have a good support system. If you can't go home, then make sure you have friends and others around to talk to and with. Make sure the kids are also kept in the loop. They probably wonder why you took so long to throw in the towel.

Just a word of advice, what you say indicates your husband was controlling and you tolerated his poor behavior. It's not uncommon to shortly find yourself in another controlling relationship ( the odds are very high). Seek counseling for yourself. Be in no rush to find another man. Your kids need you right now let your friends and family provide companionship. Consider finding a bike club in your area. Great way to meet other folks. If you are religious, most churches have support groups for divorcing parents with children. Fellowship in any form will help you through the bad times.

[doc]

You all have my best interest in mind, even though you have differing views. I appreciate it believe me.

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. Kids are older in HS. They don't want to live with him. He never went to their games, programs, took them to doctor. I worked the entire marriage and went to school at night, did all the house work, yard work, painted the house. I was not allowed to talk on the phone, make money decisions, even go shopping alone. We did seperate for 2 years, I took him back, the cops were at my door within a few days.

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

'Nuf said. Git while the gittin' is good. Don't look back. Make sure you have lots of support - family, friends, co-workers etc.
Make sure you're safe. I worry about that alot. One wonderful mother of twins I took care of was murdered by her husband because he thought she was having an affair. BTW, she was not. How would a person squeeze an affair into the day with twin 11 month old babies anyway?

[Surlygirl]

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

"So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, Hasta la Vista baby!"
Time to take care of yourself Honeypie. Be strong. Ride your bike.

[Duck on Wheels]

Honeypie,

I wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve! Your kids too. You're doing the right thing. Please do it carefully, which is not to say slowly! Carefully means doing it fast and having folks around you keeping an eye out. This guy sounds like he can be dangerous.

And if you can get out there and ride from time to time (maybe best in a group), then do that too. I've been lucky with my choice of partner, but had a sociopath for a boss once and spineless wimps in the administration above. Physical exercise does help with stress relief. My exercise at the time was hiking and ... smashing concrete with a sledgehammer. I kid you not. We were lowering the basement floor, had it cut up into squares with a compressor drill, then DH put off clearing it out while I smashed square by square with a sledgehammer. Had some great visualisations going while I did it too.

[Brandi]

Coming from an abusive upbringing you made the best decision you could have possibly made. No man is worth it. When I met my dh I asked him right off "do you it women and think you are always right?"He said no and no! He understands why now. But I told him if either of these things come up even once there will be no second chances. He is alloud to be right every once in awhile.
I know another women who was in the same shoes who just got divorced from her husband of 18 years. After two years she now is totally independent and things are really improving in her life. She does go to therapy but she has a job and her own friends now and her self worth has grown a lot. The same will happen for you!
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. I hope it is helping!

[Trekhawk]

I have lurked here a very long time and feel envious of all you. You seem so happy and settled.

I am going thru a divorce (my choice) after a long marriage. It is all I can do to get on my bike. I have kids, who keep me going and bring me sunshine.

My spouse is not at all being cooperative and is threatening me with everything possible. At the same time he doesn't want me to divorce him. But get this, he is dating!!

Help

Hope life gets better soon. Sending hugs your way.

Sadiekate - I will take the green gooey centers.:)

[Trekhawk]

Not harsh, Cindysue....truthful. The latter bit you wrote, I'm going through at the moment....
~B

BikeMomma - I hope things sort themselves out for you.
Life definitely is a ride with plenty of pain and lots of thrills.
Hang in there.:)

[Pax]

So bcipam...she's wrong if she leaves because of the children and not meeting her mans needs but once she deigns to share deeply personal information then she gets this compassionate and caring response:
Geez why didn't say that before... you probably stayed way too long.

Must be a fine thing to be all knowing like you. I've got a little turmoil going on in my life right now...maybe you can pompously tell me how to live as well. :rolleyes:

[sydney_b]

It's tough now, but it'll get better. Keep riding and keep focused on what you want to achieve out of your life. I'm sending you a big virtual hug.

/s

[Lise]

Hi, HP, and welcome to the TE board.

I stayed with my ex, through physical, verbal, and financial abuse, because I had a ring on my finger and had taken vows. I am ashamed to say that when I was kicked out of my home (so the new woman could move in), I still thought I could "save my marriage". I have come to believe that there IS no marriage when abuse occurs. I cannot tell you exactly what vows we took, but I imagine it was "love, honor, cherish", etc. Those were violated with the first threat, the first blow, the first foul name I was called. I was dedicated to an idea of marriage, and it's a good idea, at that. But it wasn't what was actually happening in my home.

The summer after my divorce, I started riding the world's most beat up Schwinn that a friend of my mom's found in an alley and gave me. I would wake up every morning with my heart in my throat, thinking "what am I going to DO?!?!" I rode that bike nearly every day. I rode it to work, even when the chain fell off and the brake pads rotted through. I bought a book and learned how to fix it. I trained for a triathlon on that bike, though I borrowed a friend's "real" tri bike to do the race (came in dead last, btw, and grinning my head off).

Since my divorce, I've become an athlete. I'm still digging out of the debt, but I am getting free. My heart still pounds if I see my ex, which happens about twice a year. I have friends today who would circle round me in a heartbeat. I've never been safer in my life. I've gone from isolated and terrified to loved, loving, and free.

I wish the same for you. Enjoy that bike. All best wishes, Lise

[cindysue]

Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. ........I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

oh honey - been there, done that. Don't look back. ignore the B.S. he'll throw at ya. Find a friend/family member who you can trust and stay with for awhile until you get back on your feet. It might take a long time to get there, but you and your kids will be sooooooo much better off.

all my best. You are in my thoughts!

[BikeMomma]

BikeMomma - I hope things sort themselves out for you.
Life definitely is a ride with plenty of pain and lots of thrills.
Hang in there.:)
Thanks, Trek. I've been craving a ride with the steepest hills I can find to take it all out on, but the weather just won't cooperate!!

Honeypie, I don't mean for my little aside to take away from this discussion in support for your painful situation. Mine pales by far in comparison to the turmoil you've been under for so long. I do wish the best for you and for you to just be happy. Be strong and stick to your convictions. ;) And be sure to come to us if you need to get things off your chest. If everyone else is like me, this board isn't going anywhere anytime soon, right grrrls???:D

Take care,
~BikeMomma

[Brandi]

Right on!:D

[Morphine]

Hi ! You have my warmest blessings from Singapore !
Be strong, stay calm & weather through this "last" stage of your 10-yr torture. Trust me ! There are many others in the same boat. Sometimes, I really wonder how these testosterony counterparts will thrive in similar situations if in our feminine shoes :rolleyes:

[allabouteva]

I stayed with my ex, through physical, verbal, and financial abuse,

Hey Lise,

It's weird, but I was watching Dr Phil today and he was talking about this same thing, and he mentioned that in marriage, there are a number of 'deal breakers' and one of them is abuse. You have to walk away from it, and not put up with it.

But I think that we as women are somewhat genetically programmed to put up with it, thinking that when it happens, it's only an aberration, or it was something we did. This results in being taken advantage of and being abused, and we let it happen.

I admire you and HP so much, because it takes so much courage to pick up the pieces and move on. And I'm glad that you've found a release in cycling and that it has made a huge difference to your life and the reinvention of you.

take care,

eva

[Runnin Rat]

I too have been down the divorce road, but my husband was abusive to me and one of my kids. My current husband didn't want his divorce, his ex decided she wanted more (money, house, etc, they were college kids, all things in due time) she took their daughter and kicked him out. She broke up a workable marriage because she was selfish.

Good luck with your choice, it is not an easy one my any stretch of the imagination, and remember, no matter what you do, someone will think it is the wrong thing. You have to do what is best for your family.

[Melody]

HP, good luck to you with your situation. Abuse should never be tolerated in a marriage. A marriage should be a blending of two people not to make a single soul but to find love and compromise filling the emotional, spiritual and physical needs of the other. Abuse has no room in that equation.

May you find happiness. :)

Mel

[bouncybouncy]

been there, done that as well! the abuse, the denial, and the "want to honor the vows" counseling did work all that out for me though...i finally talked the husband into going and we had a session, the next session was just me alone and the counselor said to me "he is a jerk!" haha how ironic...i go to counseling to SAVE the marriage and the counselor said to get out (she saw signs of abuse that was just unsafe!!!) my marriage was young and no children had spawned
months of feeling stupid for marrying this guy in the first place, feeling so lonely (i had moved away from my family & friends to HIS city and all my friends were his which i had decided to cut out of my life...so literally i was ALONE except for my bosses which are great and have since moved me away of there:) ) needless to say i had NO money no self esteem and no motivation...but one day i joined a gym and climbed that HUGE mountain to recovery....
i now have a WONDERFUL, fair, respectful, fun, forgiving, amazing husband who has shown me the "light" of cycling and now i am climbing mountains for the sheer joy of getting to the top!!!!

you too sound very capable of climbing out of this...keep your kids by your side and just take a peek at their faces anytime you need a little motivation...send us your grief, we will send bon-bons or cookies or something...and try to remember you did not deserve to be treated that way! I wish you happiness and strength....

now, pedal on......

[DrBee]

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. ...

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

I also filed for a restraining order - for stalking after I filed for divorce. I totally understand the relief afterwards. Mine came after the divorce was finalized. I received my papers on Valentine's Day of all days. Poetic, isn't it? That was many years ago and I don't regret my decision to put an end to my misery one bit. You'll be much better of now. You can gain back self-confidence and you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish when you don't have someone that is obsessive and abusive (psychologically in my case) keeping you down.

[slinkedog]

Just found this thread and wanted to add my voice of support and compassion. I went through a divorce about 13 years ago and it was very hard. You will make it through this. Hang in there and know we are here to support you. You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

[fixedgeargirl]

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

Congratulations. You have a taken an important, and difficult, step in healing yourself and (re)becoming the person you know you are. You have the support of your kids, and all of us here. Riding can do so much: boost your self esteem, serve as an outlet for all kinds of energies, boost your endorphin levels for that all-over glow. It can also take you to a quiet place where you can just *be* for a while and find some peace.

I'm going through my own rough patch right now, and am finding great comfort in the anonimity and support of a different, family-related board. I can go there and vent to people who don't know me or my SO IRL and not be bad-mouthing him to people we actually know or driving my friends crazy with my b1tching :p .

<<<<<hugs>>>>> to you.

[bcipam]

So bcipam...she's wrong if she leaves because of the children and not meeting her mans needs but once she deigns to share deeply personal information then she gets this compassionate and caring response:

Must be a fine thing to be all knowing like you. I've got a little turmoil going on in my life right now...maybe you can pompously tell me how to live as well. :rolleyes:

Not all knowing. Just have some experience with life as do we all. You might be surprised what experiences I have had so I may be all knowing, at least in this situation.

Sorry you are having some troubles right now and if you would like to discuss them, send me a private message I'm willing to listen.

Right now let's focus on Honeypie. What advice can you offer to her?

[bcipam]

HP, good luck to you with your situation. Abuse should never be tolerated in a marriage. A marriage should be a blending of two people not to make a single soul but to find love and compromise filling the emotional, spiritual and physical needs of the other. Abuse has no room in that equation.

May you find happiness. :)

Mel

Wow Mel, beautifully said. Would you mind if I borrowed what you said about marriage? What a perfect way to describe a committed relationship.

[Grog]

Right now let's focus on Honeypie. What advice can you offer to her?

Personally, when I have problems, I don't always want _advice_ from others. Plain support and friendship is actually often much better.

[Pax]

Right now let's focus on Honeypie. What advice can you offer to her?
To ignore your "victim blaming" attitude. :rolleyes:

[Dianyla]

Is it just me, or is it getting a little hot in here? :confused:

[Running Mommy]

I didn't read through all the responses but it seems like some were not well recieved?
Anyway, I just want to offer my support and love. And remember- you only get one chance at this life- so make sure you enjoy every minute of it! And if your not, well do what it takes to change it. Life must be savored not dreaded.
take care!

[snapdragen]

M'kay ladies, step away from the keyboards and take a breath. We all want to support Honeypie in her difficult time, let's not do it by attacking each other.

[Honeypie]

Geez, I can get enough opinions from home. THANKS. I find differing opinions gives me many options to think about. Can't we all get along?

My bike is my savior. I ride and ride, when it is cold I ride inside. POUNDING each pedal with fierceness. Outside I look for the meanest hill and talk myself up the hill. I worry cuz he won't pay bills and threatens to take everything from me. Here in CA community property is the rule. It just means that right now things are really tough.

It is rainy/cold outside so no ride today or tomorrow. If anyone knows of a few good websites or chat groups I would appreciate it.

I know that you all have the best intentions in mind, and I love and appreciate it. Am flattered at the attention. HUG to all of you back!

[Running Mommy]

Really Honypie- all I wanted to offer you was love and support. Nothing else. So here is a big HUG (((((((( HUG)))))))) :)

[janetsplanet]

;) 2 years ago I made my new bike my best friend. When it started making me look better and feel better, then I started making more friends and found out that I am a good person.
Honey pie (and anyone else struggling) MAY THE BIKE BE WITH YOU:p

[DrBee]

Honeypie -- I suggest opening a bank account in your name only. My ex emptied our account without my knowledge and I ended up with 9 bounced checks and A LOT of debt. And here's a BIG hug for you ((((((:)))))))

[Melody]

Wow Mel, beautifully said. Would you mind if I borrowed what you said about marriage? What a perfect way to describe a committed relationship.

Pam, I don't mind. Use to your heart's content. :)



My bike is my savior. I ride and ride, when it is cold I ride inside. POUNDING each pedal with fierceness.

Honeypie, I do something similar. I may not be doing it in the same way but I've been known to just work myself to a lather till I don't have the emotional energy to be upset and I can then just sleep. My DH hates it when I do that since he's actually seen me faint from exertion. :p

Hope you're doing well today. :)

Mel

[carimail]

Oh! And don't forget the power of..."The Best Friend" - I couldn't live without mine - she's the best: non judgmental, unassuming and she has big ears for my many tangents. Don't be afraid to turn to those who support you when you're low - I'm sure you'd do the same for them. Good luck, and remember, there are good men (really!) out there and you deserve one when you're truly ready to go in that direction. Give hugs to your kids.

[pkq]

Honeypie, I hope everything works out for you.

As someone who has lived an abused life, from my dad to my husband, I understand what you are going through. I am very glad you are taking positive steps for you and your kids.

Cycling and other outdoor activities are a positive influence for you and your kids. Movement is a big stress reliever.

Hang in there! Life does get better!

[VenusdeVelo]

This board was sounding a little to much like those testosterone-laden boards rather than Team Estrogen's network of strong supportive women...:(

Words are never enough for relaying exactly what you meant, so let's keep in mind no one's intention (I believe) is mal-intended.

I think everything everyone wrote honeypie has something to take away from it, but it's just the fact that people are there to support you that's important as well. Wishing you better days soon.

[moogal]

Hi HoneyPie, I've never been through this myself but I know it is tough. Hang in there !
My sis who has a young kid ( my 1 yr old cutie-pie niece) is currently going through a divorce too. She has moved to stay with me and I'm trying to lend as much support to her as possible - physically (looking after my niece), emotionally and financially. On bad days when that to-be-ex-bro-in-law is behaving like a nut-case, I really feel like throwing my giant pedal wrench at him to crash this NUT ! :p

meanwhile, just hang in there. Here's a big *HUG*.

[mtbdarby]

Alright, I admit I didn't read most of the replys but I got the jist:)

I'm not a huge Dr. Phil fan but he said something once that stuck in my head and helped me keep things in perspective when the "load" got too heavy:

"If the cost of being half a couple is the cost of being all of you - the price is too high".

Best of luck to you!

[Lise]

What a great perspective, Dar. Thanks for sharing it. Lise

[ACG]

Going thru the same thing. Big hugs

Why is it that everyone assumes that we just wake up one day and decide to be divorced?

You tried, I tried a long time.

Ride, ride, ride.

[BikeMomma]

What a great perspective, Dar. Thanks for sharing it. Lise
Yea, what she said. Thanks, Dar. :)
~BikeMomma