Need wedding advice

[Dogmama]

My step daughter, age 36, is getting married for the first time. She's marrying a man who has a couple of kids. Both have good careers, she is a nurse & he's a firefighter. Our relationship with her isn't particularly close. We've tried to be close, helped support her financially during her nursing school, etc. But she tends to be moody & we've decided to not play the game unless/until she wants to talk. We are cordial and are available but just not involved with the drama. BTW, never received a thank you for the financial support - it felt like it was expected of us. This was just a few years ago.

So, the question is about paying for the wedding. Given her age, the fact that we've already laid out big $$$ for her, they both have secure jobs, etc., we aren't sure how much we should do. I thought that maybe we'd buy her wedding dress & give her cash - $500 to $1,000 - but that even seems like too much. We've been hit with some big financial stuff - so money isn't plentiful right now. Regardless, my angst is that (1) she's been downright mean to her father & won't say what's going on (2) I don't want to seem like we're buying her affections (not that we could, given the school support we laid out) (3) they're not kids.

I want to do the right thing - whatever that is. DH has said he'd go along with whatever I decide. I'm really torn. I do like her and wish that our relationship could be closer, but in the 21 years that DH and I've been together, that hasn't happened. She is very close to her mother & may have some residual anger about the divorce (which happened 27 years ago) even though he paid child support plus whatever else she wanted/needed. Part of me is also tired of playing the game.

She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc. I imagine we'll be one of the last ones to know because that's how things usually happen.

Advice please!! I really don't know what is appropriate.

[Blueberry]

I don't think there is one "right thing" here - nor do I think you are particularly obligated to do any one thing.

From what you've said:

1) Helping will be a financial stress for you;
2) You have helped maybe more than would be "required" with her education (without thanks);
3) Your DH doesn't feel strongly;
4) You want to do the "right thing," but don't really *want* to do what you listed because it's too much;
5) She probably doesn't *need* the help unless she goes overboard with a wedding.

I think I would show up for the wedding, and give her a $200 or so (or a gift of equivalent value). I certainly don't think you are in any way obligated to do more.

Of course, this is just my take and YMMV. I expect that hearing others' opinions might help you sort out your own.

[indysteel]

I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

But here's my feeling about the emotional stuff: I try to only give gifts if I can give them freely--without reference to any emotional baggage, guilt, hard feelings, etc. If I can't give them freely, I don't give them at all. If you really are at a place where you can't give your SD a gift, then don't give her anything. I think that's a legitimate and fair approach if that's where you are emotionally. But be sure you're really there before making that call.

Good luck.

[Biciclista]

I find it a little disturbing that her father is so ambivalent about it. I do think you are being generous.

[limewave]

I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

I agree. I would stay away from an open-gift like a wedding dress. Different people have different ideas about how much a wedding dress will cost. I think $500 is a very generous gift. She's a grown, independent women--I can't believe she expects you to help pay for her wedding.

[NbyNW]

Has she actually asked for anything for the wedding?

Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband need to be on the same page about what/how much you feel would be appropriate, given the considerations you've laid out. This sounds like a delicate situation, but hopefully you can have a frank conversation about it. (Red flag goes up whenever I see "whatever you decide")

Also since it sounds like she hasn't gotten very far in the way of planning, it might be a bit early for her to say how she would like you to participate. There are many ways to carve a wedding up, financially speaking, as well as in terms of all of the sentiment and emotion that people attach to those pieces. Perhaps just letting her know that as she gets into planning that you would be interested in helping in some non-specific way would be one way to open up that conversation.

Just as an example, DH and I paid for the lion's share of our own wedding, but his parents paid for rehearsal dinner and my parents picked up the tab for morning-after brunch. My mom wanted to do more so I put her in charge of gifts for guests. Other things that could be carved up: flowers, music, photography ... the list goes on.

But I would let her take the lead, and then be prepared to respond with something that you and your husband can see eye to eye on.

[indysteel]

I don't disagree SK (dh and I eloped if that tells you want I think of weddings). Certainly, I think it's more than fair for adult children to foot the bill for their own wedding, as most of my friends have. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with parents voluntarily offering a modest amount of assistance if it is within their means to do so. After all, no matter the age of the children, parents often do want to contribute. As far as I can tell from the OP, the step daughter hasn't asked them for money and might not. I got the sense that Dogmama was just trying to figure out if they wanted to volunteer some assistance.

[indysteel]

Apparently you think I couldn't comprehend Dogmama's request? I think I got it all. I said everything you said, just differently.

I'll delete my post because it was apparently not up to snuff.

Jeez, SK. Sorry to have offended you, but I think you're overreacting.

[Kiwi Stoker]

I got married when I was 29.

DH's parents gave us $2,000 which we brought our rings with (size U for him so that's why so expensive). My mum brought the cake and Dad a piece of furniture we wanted, and that was it for contributions from the family towards our wedding.

I suggest cash would be best as a gift unless there's something they actually WANT.

Put it this way- what would you give another child of yours? To be fair, it should be the same for all siblings, no matter what the situation. Otherwise it might end up biting you back later.

[jessmarimba]

I don't know, that just seems like an awkward situation. I'm not sure how close you and the step-daughter are (did you marry her dad when she was younger? Or after she was an adult?) but I don't see my dad's wife being the one to make any decisions about what he gives or doesn't give his kids. But they married after we were adults and we aren't close to her at all. Weren't even invited to the wedding, actually. Dad decides what to give us for what occasions, and she decorates the envelope or the wrapping paper. Not trying to say that you're pushing outside of your boundaries or anything!! Just that I don't know enough about the situation to advise one way or the other. I guess most guys aren't interested in wedding planning in the slightest but I find it odd that her dad isn't helping in the decision.

Sorry apparently can't read when I'm trying to keep the cat out of the soup. Just noticed you married when she was an older teen. Did she stay primarily with her mom? I'd say a small gift but you aren't obligated to pay for any of the wedding unless her dad really wanted to, and it doesn't sound like he does.

[shootingstar]

Dogmama: $500.00 is plenty or even less.

Sorry, these are mid-life adults, with established careers/ jobs for past few years.

I understand how you feel about your stepdaughter: one cannot expect a child not to have stronger allegiance to a birth mother if the mother has been a reasonable parent all along despite the upheaval of divorce.

Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to get caught in the middle of whatever again, so he ends up ambivalent.

I'm not sure why on earth people think that parents of mid-life adults should be supporting with alot of wedding money for their grown children in this way.... the parents should be saving for retirement and the adult children should remember this also of their parents.

I guess I'm lost. My family works totally the reverse. And very willingly, parents spent alot of money and self-sacrifice raising us.

[OakLeaf]

Honestly, if she hasn't asked you or your husband to contribute to the wedding, I think you're putting the expectations onto yourself. Time to maybe step back from the emotions? Or have things always been done the "traditional" way in your family, so that you would feel judged by other family members if you didn't?

When my first husband and I had our "hippie wedding" it never occurred to either of us to ask my parents to contribute (and it's been a long time ago, but I don't remember them offering, though they did give us a generous cash gift - and if they did offer/had offered, we would've declined - we had the wedding we could afford and wanted). I was 23 and starting my second year of law school, he was older and had already graduated.

[Dogmama]

I agree that adult children should pay for their own weddings. But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help. Biciclista, DH isn't ambivalent - I am the keeper of the finances and he wants me to be comfortable with the size of the gift. He says I'm the most important thing in his life & the kids come second. He's a keeper.

I guess I'm trying to "middle" the situation & make it difficult for her to be nasty to her dad, my DH. But, considering the financial support that we've given in the past, money didn't seem to matter. She still runs hot & cold with him. Oakleaf, there is no traditional way to do anything in this family. She's the first & only daughter (thank God!) and I don't have kids. She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.

So, Indysteel, you are right - the emotional baggage is obscuring the real issue here. And Limewave, you're right about the dress. I hadn't thought about the open-ended gift situation. I don't think she'd want to copy Kate's (the latest royal wedding) dress, but I've seen women turn into bride-zillas.

[jyyanks]

While I agree that you and your DH have done a lot for her, I think her father should be the one to make the decision on what he wants to give her. She is his child by blood and ultimately should have more of an opinion on what he should give his daughter as a wedding present. You don't want the blame to fall on you if your decision causes a rift in their relationship (which it shouldn't but people get funny about things)

Are there other siblings? If there are, I agree with kiwi that you should give whatever you plan on giving what you have given/plan on giving other siblings.

That said, personally I think of she hasn't asked for anything, I may just offer to do something small (brunch for the wedding party) and give her a small gift.

[Biciclista]

you said:


But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help.

She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.



so do what you think is right and let her bad mouth!!!

[jessmarimba]

I can't say I know her situation. But she sounds a lot like the kids in my family ended up, in some ways - and I don't think she'll be happy one way or another with a monetary gift. Because to me it sounds like she's missing the idea of family and a close relationship with her father. So you can give a lot, and get another "slap in the face," or you can give just a little, and she will bad mouth you, but you can't at this point give her what she really wanted. She'd need therapy to straighten that out. Not saying you and your husband were bad parents - you could have been perfect but her mom may have skewed her viewpoint anyway. But my whole adult life my dad has just given money and it just doesn't buy him the father position he wants but can't figure out. I now know his best effort is what it is, but he just doesn't know me and doesn't know how to. And like in your family, his wife comes first, so now any extra effort on my part hardly seems worth it.

[shootingstar]

Dogmama, I'm sorry to hear that the father-daughter relationship isn't the best at this time.

Please recognize my comments are made in context of the reality that my partner has 2 grown children..in their early 30's.

Most likely you continue to give space to hubby for him to improve relationship with his adult daughter. It has been hurtful and difficult for him, being the birth parent when an adult child continues to ignore gifts of generosity.

[NbyNW]

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.


My read on this is that monetary and material gifts can only go so far in healing a strained relationship. I would tend to agree with jessmarimba -- this is something she needs to work out for herself ... there may be things your husband can do to help repair the relationship, but it may be that his daughter needs to take the initiative, if she has so much resentment built up.

[zoom-zoom]

so do what you think is right and let her bad mouth!!!

Ditto. If she badmouths, SHE is the one who will come off looking bad. That will backfire on her, big time.

[lph]

I know weddings traditionally carry a lot of "should and ought to's", but still:

my feeling is that a gift should be given willingly and ungrudgingly. If not, it's not a gift. So I would give no more, and no less, than I could give and feel happy about giving. No matter her conflict with her family, it's still her wedding day and she deserves to receive gifts from people who honestly wish her well and are not feeling resentful. That's a kind of gift in itself.

I agree that adult children should not expect to have parents foot the bill for a wedding. If you suspect that she does expect it but won't say so, you could make it clear in a gentle way by saying something like "we know that parents aren't expected to pay for weddings any longer, but we would still really like to help you out with x, y or z, because it would make us feel happy". That puts the focus on the fact that you wish her well and do want to give her something, not that you should or could be giving even more.

[Dogmama]

Jess is right, she does need some therapy to come to terms with reality. Her actions toward her father have been passive/aggressive and up until recently her father and I have been accepting and loving. Not tooting our own horns, but it's the truth. We've overlooked many transgressions, nasty comments & hurtful actions. A year ago, I made Christmas dinner and at the last minute she called, said she was helping a friend move & could we hold dinner for two hours. That was it for me. I told her maybe we'd do it some other time but dinner was ready in 30 minutes & I could not hold it. I told her father it was "game over" as far as I was concerned.

LPH & others have said that gifts should be given willingly & from the heart. I had never thought about that - I know - dumb - when it comes to her I always did what I thought we should do, rather than what we really felt.

What goes around comes around. The man she is marrying has two kids - ages 17 (boy) and 11 (girl.) :p

[Crankin]

My own children, who are slightly younger than this stepdaughter paid for their own weddings, because their in laws could not afford anything. When my younger son, who was 25 when he got married, went to the court house, DIL insisted on having the "country club" reception 9 months later. Although it was lovely and done on a budget (8K), why should my son have to spend his savings on this? It was all for the benefit of her family, who can't afford anything. We paid for the dinner the night before (Chinese food). We gave them the gift they asked for, which was actually cheaper than we would have spent if they hadn't asked for this. This DIL reminds me slightly of your stepdaughter, Dogmamma... moody and slightly unappreciative. It makes me feel like my son is seen as a "catch."
My older son was 28 when he got married. This DIL has very dysfunctional parents and although we offered our home to have a small reception, she didn't want her parents to interact in any way with our friends or theirs! She was right, although at the time, I was disappointed. They got married by a JP I know from our synagogue and then we went out for Korean food with her parents. I haven't seen the parents since! We have done many nice things financially for them, not because they ask. They deserve it. They are warm and friendly, socialize with our friends, who have known my son since he was 8. It's exactly the way I envisioned a relationship with an adult child. We don't see them all of the time, but we are close. For example, we offered our son the birthday present of a tune up on the Serotta we gave him (it was our other son's racing bike, sitting in the shed). He's had it for 2 years and it needed work. Well, wheels, brakes, chain, bottom bracket, tires, bar tape, etc ended up being quite a sum, but DH enjoys doing the work and again, he deserves it.

I wouldn't go overboard on the gift in this case, Dogmamma.

[limewave]

I'm a little biased b/c we paid for our own wedding too at the age of 24. Why shouldn't we? We felt bad for our parents because all of DH's siblings and my brother were getting married the same year. It was wedding overload!

Anyways, people are going to behave how they are going to behave--no matter what you do :(

[redrhodie]

I love my step mother, but it took a long time to get there. Be happy for her, and do something that will make her wedding special, from your heart. In the long run, that will matter most.

[soprano]

I think that it's pretty typical these days for the parents to say, "We'll give you this much money towards the wedding." Some parents hand over a check for that amount. Others pay the wedding vendors directly until that amount runs out, and after that costs are the bride and groom's responsibility. If they want something, they can pay for it.

FYI if you contribute a small sum, or none at all, don't expect the happy couple to take requests from you about the guest list, religious/non-religious service, decorations, etc. Money = input. The person holding the checkbook makes the decisions.

When my husband and I got married, we didn't care to have a wedding. We wanted to have a quiet service with our parents and siblings, and then go out for a nice dinner. No dress, decorations, photographer, etc. My mother threw a fit because her extended family would not be invited. So I said, "If you want a wedding, you can pay for it." And that's how it worked. If she wanted something, she paid for it. (This got interesting when it was time to pay the officiant, because my mother thought that clergy should work for free.:rolleyes:) My husband and I only paid for the things we wanted: our rings and the license.

[OakLeaf]

I love my step mother, but it took a long time to get there.

That's a really good point, and I think it's easy for those of us who didn't grow up in blended families to miss. My grandmother remarried when my mom was 15, and my mom resented her stepfather for literally decades. Happily for both of them, in middle age she came to understanding, and dearly loved her stepfather before he died. Now, her biological father was very absent and easy for her to idealize for a lot of reasons, but still. As hurtful as it is for Dogmama (and as it must have been for my Opa), there is almost certainly unresolved pain on the other side, too.

[lph]

FYI if you contribute a small sum, or none at all, don't expect the happy couple to take requests from you about the guest list, religious/non-religious service, decorations, etc. Money = input. The person holding the checkbook makes the decisions.

Whoa - really?? Ok, I'm pretty clueless about weddings, but I still always assumed that it was the couple who had the right to decide, especially about things like a religious/non-religious service.

No wonder I'm not married :D (I call him my dh anyway because partner sounds a bit too businesslike for someone I've been sharing my life with for going on 19 years.)

Crankin - are you sure your son wasn't happy with the country club reception thing too, or has he told you that he felt pressured into it? I'm just a bit sensitive about the "difficult DIL" role, since in my family I'm the difficult DIL. I do love my hyper-social MIL, but she's only too happy to blame me for decisions my dh and I take together, like not spending more than 2 or 3 days with them. I can't imagine why, really, because I make much more of an effort to be kind and polite to her than my dh does. He can be downright rude to her when she gets pushy. But I think maybe she feels my role is to force him into being "nice", so when he isn't it's my fault anyway... :rolleyes:

ah, family. Can't live with them, can't shoot'em.

[ehirsch83]

OK I have a few points to say here and don't hate me for them.


1) I am a child of a divorced family and I feel that the kids should always come first to the parents, even once remarried- they are their kids. My dad my think that my step-mom comes first but if I knew that- I would be incredibly hurt and resentful and only want to thank my mom for things b/c she was putting me first.

No matter what goes on between you and your DH- the daughter can never think that a step mom comes before her- that is just devastating to a child(no matter how old she is-trust me)- it says to her, i got rid of your mom and I don't really care about you either- my new family is more important then the old.

And then by giving monetary support(school) it appears that he wants to buy her love- when what is needed is to be known that she comes first.


2) I am in the process of planning my wedding and my fiance(would that make DF?) & I are both 28. We both had a few bumps in the road towards our professional career(I had a few years off of school due to financial and then substance issues- before I found a bike) and he took half a year off, a year ago, to go race his bike professionally in France(so he made almost no $ while there, so savings disappeared).

On that note- my parents are divorced and are each contributing x amount towards our wedding(not equal amounts)- my mom is giving me the same amount she gave my older sister. My sister used the amount (just about add a 0 on what you want to give) for her dress and then my sister and her husband paid for their 80 person wedding out of their pockets.

We are doing a small 25 guest wedding at a local 4 star hotel. We are doing a rooftop ceremony and then a 4 course sit down meal (one long rectangular table- almost all family)- we are using the donated amount from my mom to cover all of the wedding costs(venue includes officiant, coordinator, ceremony musicians,wine,cake)- the other parents contribution will go towards dress,photographer and we will cover wedding rings,invitations and floral arrangements. It is on a Sunday. My doing it this way- we get a elegant feel on a budget.

I have decided to find a dress on RueLaLa for a fraction of what one would be in a store and only have 25 guests instead of trying to do a huge shinding(if it wasn't so important to my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would of eloped).

But what I am getting at here is- in this day and age, it is still traditional for the parents to contribute greatly towards the wedding- it is tradition and it is what people seem to be raised to know(at least in the circles I was raised in)
again though, I know that my dad's finances aren't there right now and I know that DF and I don't have a ton of money since trying to save for a house and my mom's husband has the money- but he isn't my dad, so I'm not asking for anything.

So instead of trying to have a huge shindig- I have decided what matters is that your family is there and you can always have friends out to celebrate on another day.

(another budget example- for our engagement party, we did evites and we held it at a local cafe that had live music on a saturday night, food,beer& wine- we put on the evites that it was a cash function, and we would love for you to stop by- therefore we had an engagement party for free)

[soprano]

Whoa - really?? Ok, I'm pretty clueless about weddings, but I still always assumed that it was the couple who had the right to decide, especially about things like a religious/non-religious service.


Maybe it's because I come from a very conservative family, but I can think of any number of parents who would decline to contribute (or even show up) to a non-religious wedding. I can also think of a few outspoken atheists who wouldn't want to pay for a religious service.

Some people really do believe that if the service doesn't happen in a church, or if it happens at the "wrong" church/denomination/faith tradition, then the marriage isn't valid. Now, if you honestly believed that your child was making an invalid marriage, would you want to pay for it?

I don't agree with this way of thinking. That doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Life ain't fair.

[lph]

Now, if you honestly believed that your child was making an invalid marriage, would you want to pay for it?


Well, since I personally don't feel marriage is that important, yes I would. (And if my son keeps his faith until he's marrying age, I may even get to test that view.) But I get your point :) I sort of saw parents giving cash, then dictating how the wedding should be. But I guess the couple could always just decline the money.

(pardon the digression, just curious)

[GLC1968]

Dogmomma - I agree with the others who said that no monetary amount is going to 'solve' this thing with your step-daughter. You should do what you want to do concerning her wedding and be happy with that (and the consequences).


I do feel the need to point out that not all children who marry in their 30's and have their wedding paid for by their parents turn into money-grubbing, entitled brats. I'm frankly a little horrified at the venom here. Yes, there are people who go into debt to have the big huge wedding for appearances. And yes, there are adult children who suck their parents dry for all sorts of reasons. But there are also responsible, professional adult children who throw a big wedding and share a fantastic day with friends and family (that will long be remembered by everyone in attendance) paid for by their parents without the need to take out a second mortgage, drain the savings or melt a credit card. And not all 35 year old first time brides who have such a wedding end up as spoiled, problem adults.

Just in case anyone was wondering...

[withm]

She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc.

When and if they actually set a date for the wedding, that might be the time for one of you to say to the step-daughter something like this - "Honey that's wonderful. We are so pleased. We'd like to do something for you both. If there is anything in particular that we can do to help you out with the wedding, just let us know." That could be simply cash, flowers, photographer, dress, reception - whatever. But the key is to see what they really want or need. They may not be going the big white wedding route (and boy I wish I had prevailed and skipped it myself but my father would not hear of it). And maybe all she really wants is a Kitchen Aid Mixer, or a nice couch.

Now if she responds with a reasonable request or suggestion, you can say "Great, we'll take care of that for you." Of course you get to define "reasonable."

But if she comes back with something that is beyond your capability, you counter with "Oh dear, I'm afraid that will be more than we can handle, but we'll make a contribution of $xxx or (name item, or service) to help you out along those lines.

She is still his daughter, and gosh, even if you are somewhat estranged, you are all still family. No matter how distant, or how much you may or may not get along, I think it's always best to keep lines of communication open. In another 20-30 years, the tables may be turned, and you might become very dependent on the step-daughter & husband.

A gift is something you can give, and then you let go of it. You can not control what the recipient says or does with it. You can't be responsible for any perceived slights. By giving her the opportunity to state their needs first, you have the easier task of determining if you can or want to comply, or you counter with what you can offer.

Remember the first rule of negotiating - the first person that mentions a dollar amount loses.

If she turns into Bridezilla, she is only hurting herself, her intended, and her friends. And that case, if it were me, I'd probably have no problem reconsidering the amount or kind of gift.

[ny biker]

Well, since I personally don't feel marriage is that important, yes I would. (And if my son keeps his faith until he's marrying age, I may even get to test that view.) But I get your point :) I sort of saw parents giving cash, then dictating how the wedding should be. But I guess the couple could always just decline the money.

(pardon the digression, just curious)

There are many cases when parents expect to have a final say on all the wedding decisions because they are paying for it. And many cases where the bride (and/or groom) gets carried away in planning "their special day," to the point of being quite unpleasant to deal with. I went to one wedding where the bride got angry because her close friend left the reception early due to illness and therefore did not eat any of the expensive food that she had paid for. Another bride I know spent the day after her wedding crying because her husband wasn't enthusiastic enough and didn't do the correct hand gestures while they sung a duet for the guests at the reception. (I am not making this up.)

If you tend not to have this sort of behavior in Norway, good for you. We really ought not to need the word "bridezilla" in our vocabulary.

</digression>

[indysteel]

Jess is right, she does need some therapy to come to terms with reality. Her actions toward her father have been passive/aggressive and up until recently her father and I have been accepting and loving. Not tooting our own horns, but it's the truth. We've overlooked many transgressions, nasty comments & hurtful actions. A year ago, I made Christmas dinner and at the last minute she called, said she was helping a friend move & could we hold dinner for two hours. That was it for me. I told her maybe we'd do it some other time but dinner was ready in 30 minutes & I could not hold it. I told her father it was "game over" as far as I was concerned. :p

Putting the wedding aside for a second, have you and/or your husband ever talked to your step daughter about her behavior and your hurt and resentful feelings? You haven't mentioned it in describing the dynamic. If you haven't, why not do you think that is?

I ask because I know so many families (including my own) where problems just fester until they blow up past the point of no return. I have to wonder if some of the ill will could be diffused by direct and honest communication. Obviously, it's not a cure all, but it's at least better than bottling everything up.

[Crankin]

Lph, to answer your question, my son could have cared less about the country club reception. We thought they would have *some* kind of party, but we pictured a casual, fun party, maybe with a DJ. He told us "it's what she wants," and while he didn't say he felt pressured, he acted resigned to the fact, even after trying to convince her otherwise. And, this set the stage. I mean, she didn't even wear her wedding ring, just her engagement ring for 9 months, and acted like they were preparing for the wedding, and not married yet. When my son didn't wear his wedding ring at karate class and some women hit on him, she went nuts and insisted he put it on. The thing is, I really liked her until all of this.
You know, I don't know if I agree with the statement, "kids always come first." While both DH and I would have done anything for our kids, our relationship always came first. Of course, I am not divorced. There are situations in divorced/blended families that are different, but holding a grudge against a parent for remarrying over decades, seems harsh. If a divorced parent who does not have physical custody ignores his or her kid, that's bad, too. But, I see too many parents who forget about their spouses until their kids are 18 or 21 and then wonder why there's nothing left to the marriage. It's hard work to be a parent and even harder to do it alone. Ideally, divorced parents still need to work together for the good of the kids, even if they don't like each other. Parents need to shape up and act like adults, for the good of the kids in these cases. But that doesn't mean you can't remarry and be happy when you have kids.

[Dogmama]

You know, I don't know if I agree with the statement, "kids always come first." While both DH and I would have done anything for our kids, our relationship always came first. Of course, I am not divorced. There are situations in divorced/blended families that are different, but holding a grudge against a parent for remarrying over decades, seems harsh.

That could be why you're still married.

NY Biker, I absolutely do not expect to have ANY say in how the wedding is planned, if we give $2.00 or $2,000. I firmly believe it is a day reserved for the couple. The beauty of that is - if things turn sour, it isn't our fault! I had an older woman try to micromanage my wedding - she was a close friend but had definite ideas on how things should go. For example, she thought I should have a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. Wouldn't that be stunning with biker tan lines?

Indy, yes we've both talked to her about therapy and how we perceive her attitude. She refuses therapy and doesn't see her part in our situation at all. For example, her father had to go out of town to a funeral for a fellow Vietnam vet. The daughter said to me, "Oh great. Now I guess he'll be spending all of his time at funerals for his old fart friends." Trying to explain a connection between veterans would have been useless so I let the remark hang in the air.

There is no animosity between her & myself that I'm aware of. I'm very careful to not offer opinions, etc. I'm glad she has the relationship with her mother, although she hates her stepfather.

GLC, I know the majority of young adults are not blood suckers. Many of my friends have adult children who are responsibly conducting their own life, thank goodness!

LPH summed it up perfectly - can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

[indysteel]

That could be why you're still married.

NY Biker, I absolutely do not expect to have ANY say in how the wedding is planned, if we give $2.00 or $2,000. I firmly believe it is a day reserved for the couple. The beauty of that is - if things turn sour, it isn't our fault! I had an older woman try to micromanage my wedding - she was a close friend but had definite ideas on how things should go. For example, she thought I should have a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. Wouldn't that be stunning with biker tan lines?

Indy, yes we've both talked to her about therapy and how we perceive her attitude. She refuses therapy and doesn't see her part in our situation at all. For example, her father had to go out of town to a funeral for a fellow Vietnam vet. The daughter said to me, "Oh great. Now I guess he'll be spending all of his time at funerals for his old fart friends." Trying to explain a connection between veterans would have been useless so I let the remark hang in the air.

There is no animosity between her & myself that I'm aware of. I'm very careful to not offer opinions, etc. I'm glad she has the relationship with her mother, although she hates her stepfather.

GLC, I know the majority of young adults are not blood suckers. Many of my friends have adult children who are responsibly conducting their own life, thank goodness!

LPH summed it up perfectly - can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.


Oh, that's sad, Dogmama. I'm glad you've at least tried to approach her about these issues, but she just sounds like she just won't/can't get it. Perhaps marriage will wisen her up--but I wouldn't count on it (as I'm sure you're not).

[Dogmama]

Oh yeah, forgot to mention another potential angst causer for her. My new bike is here. Granted, I put the money down a long time before she made her announcement - but it's a little difficult to cry poor. Of course, she will have no idea how much I paid & I won't tell her (it's a Madone 6.2 with electronic shifters, custom paint, carbon fiber handlebars & other goodies so that will give you an idea...) I will post pictures in another thread. :D:D:D

OTOH, I worked my butt off for 35 years at a job that I mostly hated, made really good money and kept my eye on the ball (full retirement.) Many days I went to work in tears because of the stress & humiliation that came with my position. I have to keep that in mind.

The big financial setback that we are experiencing now is our dog needing cataract surgery. He's only 5 years old but nearly blind in one eye and 50% vision in the other. They came up very suddenly, so there is urgency to get this done. We're looking at $4,000 for this.

So, not a good time for anybody to be asking us for money!

[Veronica]

At 36 she should "expect" to be paying for her own wedding and gracefully accept any offers of help from her parents. But that's because, I got married at 19 and we paid for nearly everything ourselves. And I HATED my wedding dress, but it was all I could afford.

She's not a teenager whom you need to be pussyfooting around because she's still trying to figure herself out. Clearly she's matured into a not very nice person and if she weren't your stepdaughter, you would have nothing to do with her. The only obligation I think you have, is to be cordial and polite.

The dog and the bike are way more important. :D

Veronica

[indysteel]

I think you need to stop rationalizing/beating yourself up....

Do exactly what you feel is right for the situation, and stop worrying.

Amen.

[Dogmama]

I think you need to stop rationalizing/beating yourself up....

Do exactly what you feel is right for the situation, and stop worrying.

OK, putting the whip down...

[Trek420]

For example, her father had to go out of town to a funeral for a fellow Vietnam vet. The daughter said to me, "Oh great. Now I guess he'll be spending all of his time at funerals for his old fart friends." Trying to explain a connection between veterans would have been useless....

Such empathy. Did you say she's a nurse? :eek: I'm just sayin' I hope I stay out of her hospital. :)

My understanding is whether by quietly by a JOP or a huge, Kardashian inspired production or something in between you are just as married. :rolleyes:

I vote that you have many happy rides on the Madone, take care of the dogeeeee and yourselves. Enjoy.