Strange situation need advice please.

[Brandi]

Ok long story short, mom and dad split when I was 2 never saw him again till I was 9 and that was till his mom died so about hmmm 9 months I had to see him every other weekend and I was always with his wife or his mom and not him.
Tried to keep in touch with him but he never returned the favor. No birthday, no christmas, so child support.
Saw him on his terms about 19 years ago. We met at a lake cause he wanted to go fishing. Not us fishing, him. Kinda stayed in touch but it was mostly his wife that tried to get us together. But she always wanted me to come there. And she sounds like a whiny Marilyn Monroe which grinds on me. And it was always her not him asking. And he never knew when she was calling me till she said here it's your daughter. Lasted a couple months then stopped.

Well now she is calling me because he is terminal. Oh and they got divorced 6 months after they got married. They did only date 3 weeks till they got hitched. And he bought a house and is letting her live in while he lives in a trailor behind the house. 18 years after they split? WT?
Well I think he is in a hospital in LA which is 4 hours from me. But that is beside the point I am trying to make here.
I don't want to see him. I don't know him, got sick of trying when he would not make the effort back. All I know about him fit's in my hand.
He said once that I was the worst thing he had ever lost. Well umm I gave you MANY chances. MANY. waited 43 year for you.
Now that he is dyeing he wants (again) for me to come see him. Which is coming from his EX wife and not him.
Am I bad person? I had a very messed up upraising and not once was he there to help me through it. Not one time.
And I am exhausted from working on the road and finally home today (yeaaa) and my answering machine is filled with her whiny voice begging me to come down. After driving 10 hours today after 3 months of being on the road. Hmmmm? Not feeling like taking on that emotion. And I have family memebers who deserve my attention way more. Like my niece Lorelei. Ok I am done ranting. Any opinions are welcome feeling strange about this. Does not help how tired I am from working and just want to decompress.
Should I feel quilt for someone I don't know even if he is the dad I NEVER had?
Thanks for listening.

[shootingstar]

I think you tried to give him time by visiting him several times, even though at the urging of his ex-wife.

You could always call him or send him a card at least. This gives you distance and something for him to think instead of being forced to respond whenever you are physically there.

He is dying. But it has to be you wanting to do it, not because of guilt. Right now, you don't sound even mentally in the right shape and with right energy to deal with a terminally ill person.

[Brandi]

I think you tried to give him time by visiting him several times, even though at the urging of his ex-wife.

You could always call him or send him a card at least. This gives you distance and something for him to think instead of being forced to respond whenever you are physically there.

He is dying. But it has to be you wanting to do it, not because of guilt. Right now, you don't sound even mentally in the right shape and with right energy to deal with a terminally ill person.
More then anything I have no energy or the mental ability to deal with it at this moment.
I will send a letter. I guess I
should just say I forgive him in it and hopefully give him some kind of peace.

[KnottedYet]

Don't go.

He doesn't want to see you. The ex-wife wants it. These calls to your answering machine are about HER needs. Not yours. Not his.

He made his choices. You made yours.

He's dying... so what? Everyone dies eventually. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

He's not part of your life. He's just a sperm donor you got some genes from.



ETA: Don't write a letter and forgive him to give him peace. Only do it if it will give you peace. And you know darn well the ex wife is going to become dependent on you if you get involved at all. She's still dependent on him. He provided her with a home. After he dies, are you going to put the trailer in your back yard and let her live there with you?

[ursalilah]

I can definitely empathize with you about lacking the energy to deal with the situation. I'm feeling the same way about my father, with whom I have a good relationship. I can't imagine who hard it would be if I were feeling the way about him that you're feeling toward your father.

I also think that you shouldn't go and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You've said that your father didn't want to have a relationship with you and basically hardly acknowledged your existence, which means he made his choice long ago.

[Brandi]

Don't go.

He doesn't want to see you. The ex-wife wants it. These calls to your answering machine are about HER needs. Not yours. Not his.

He made his choices. You made yours.

He's dying... so what? Everyone dies eventually. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

He's not part of your life. He's just a sperm donor you got some genes from.



ETA: Don't write a letter and forgive him to give him peace. Only do it if it will give you peace. And you know darn well the ex wife is going to become dependent on you if you get involved at all. She's still dependent on him. He provided her with a home. After he dies, are you going to put the trailer in your back yard and let her live there with you?
AHHHHHHHHH I am running away! You are so right!

[Brandi]

I can definitely empathize with you about lacking the energy to deal with the situation. I'm feeling the same way about my father, with whom I have a good relationship. I can't imagine who hard it would be if I were feeling the way about him that you're feeling toward your father.

I also think that you shouldn't go and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You've said that your father didn't want to have a relationship with you and basically hardly acknowledged your existence, which means he made his choice long ago.
Exactly! EXACTLY! ty

[malkin]

Like your signature says: Appreciate the people in your life.
He isn't really one of them. Take care of yourself.

Be with people you love and who love you.

[Blueberry]

((((((Brandi))))))

Knot is wise. Listen to *your* heart.

[lph]

I'll be the dissident and say go visit him. Not because you have to, certainly not because you should feel guilty!, not to get involved. Just because it really is your absolutely last chance to see him and you never know what might come out of it. Not miracles, just a little bit of ease connected to your relationship that may make you feel happier in the years to come. This is assuming that HE actually wants to see you. It sounds like he does regret losing contact, has given up, but his more emotionally savvy ex can see it.

The way I read your post you're mad at him, not indifferent. With good reason! This seems to me your only chance to do something about it - for your own sake, not his.

Good luck with your decision! This situation will take energy no matter what you do, I think.

[ny biker]

I think first you need to get some rest for a couple of days.

Then do what your gut tells you to do. If you want to go, that's fine, though I would keep my expectations low. If you don't want to go, then don't, because you don't owe them anything.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((Brandi)))))))

No advice, just hugs.

[goldfinch]

If it isn't an emergency don't make any decisions until you are less tired and recovered a bit from your trip.

[Bike Writer]

I am with LPH on this for all the reasons she stated plus I really want to reiterate that this is much more for your benefit than his. You have every justification to be angry with him for years of rejection and neglect, that is emotionally very difficult to overcome.

A really wise dear person once shared with me the following...forgivness is a gift to us from God, it's not about the person we are forgiving it's about us and for us. The person at whom our anger is directed feels no pain from all from our angst, they don't even know it exists, they go about their life unaware of the damage being wrought. But that pain eats away at our joy in life and robs us of happiness. Forgivness is far too difficult for anyone to do by themselves. Even Jesus could not forgive, He asked His Father to forgive His executioners.

Whether you end up going or not, ask for forgivness for this person, you may be surprised at the results over time.

I am currently in a situation where I have been betrayed by a friend and my anger had no end to it. It's been consuming me, the only relief I have had from this is when I ask that this person be forgiven. It has created a crack in my anger and I hope over time it will dissolve the anger and pain. It's a gift to us that is free for the asking, no person should have to live with anger.

Take care of yourself, stress kills.

[Crankin]

Get some rest, Brandi.
My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.

[Irulan]

Get some rest, Brandi.
My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

[Veronica]

I had no relationship with my father. My parents split when I was 6 and he moved out of state to avoid paying child support for the 4 of his 7 kids still under 18. My siblings - all older - idolize my father and I don't know why. Even the ones for whom he refused to pay child support. He moved back to Maine after I graduated high school and was no longer a financial burden to him. They always refer to him as "Daddy..." with this totally reverent tone. He passed away twenty years ago and they still talk about him that way. I've always wondered why. What did I miss out on?

I do wish he had lived long enough so that I could form my own opinion about him as an adult. I've never been satisfied with their stories about.

You have to decide what will be best for you, not for your dad, nor for the ex step mom (that's just weird!) But for you.

Veronica

[salsabike]

I think first you need to get some rest for a couple of days.

Then do what your gut tells you to do.

I think this is right on. Other people's opinions and experiences are worth reading and make you think about your own, but they AREN'T the equivalent of your own. You need to get enough quiet around you to listen, really listen, to your heart. That's what will give you the advice that works for you.

[Catrin]

...You need to get enough quiet around you to listen, really listen, to your heart. That's what will give you the advice that works for you.

Yes, this.

[Brandi]

I of coarse can only really think of this right now. I listened to the message she left on our machine. And just got more mad. She mentioned that my dad did everything he was supposed to do for me while I was growing up. Whaaaaaa? Um ok. He stopped paying child support when I was 9 after his mom passed away and took $5,000.00 that was supposed to go to me from my grandmother after she died. Even though he says there was no money. A lawyer my mom had, found this paper work and found the money was given to him because he was the executor. I could go on but this made me even more angry that she said this when it is not true. Like she was trying to make me feel bad.
And then she said he really wants to see me. So why is he not calling? I just want to wash my hands of this. I honestly don't think I would have regret years down the line from this. Mainly because I don't know him. And my wanting to know him was just when I was growing up. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life I don't feel a loss or a void. Ugh!

I do feel more rested today. But need more for sure. It was so wonderful waking up to my kitties surrounding me this morning. All purring and so happy!
I really appreciate everyone's opinion. I really do. ((((hugs))))

[Velocivixen]

Mr. Sperm donor, who said you were the worst thing that ever happened to him, hasn't wanted you. So what makes you think it's changed now? Don't go. Relax yourself.

[ACG]

I have to chime in here.

First: A lot of hugs, lots and lots of them.
Two: You are doing the right thing, venting to us, putting it in writing. You are being intelligent, thinking this thru, not reacting quickly.
Three: Whatever you do it will be the best thing for you. Don't look back. Just go forward.

[ny biker]

I of coarse can only really think of this right now. I listened to the message she left on our machine. And just got more mad. She mentioned that my dad did everything he was supposed to do for me while I was growing up. Whaaaaaa? Um ok. He stopped paying child support when I was 9 after his mom passed away and took $5,000.00 that was supposed to go to me from my grandmother after she died. Even though he says there was no money. A lawyer my mom had, found this paper work and found the money was given to him because he was the executor. I could go on but this made me even more angry that she said this when it is not true. Like she was trying to make me feel bad.
And then she said he really wants to see me. So why is he not calling? I just want to wash my hands of this. I honestly don't think I would have regret years down the line from this. Mainly because I don't know him. And my wanting to know him was just when I was growing up. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life I don't feel a loss or a void. Ugh!

I do feel more rested today. But need more for sure. It was so wonderful waking up to my kitties surrounding me this morning. All purring and so happy!
I really appreciate everyone's opinion. I really do. ((((hugs))))

Okay, some possibilities.

- Her understanding of his behavior as your father is probably incomplete and colored by whatever he has told her.

- Regardless of the divorce, they obviously still have some kind of relationship, so she's probably afraid/sad/overwhelmed etc about losing him. She might want a sense she's not alone in her grief by having you involved.

These are not reasons for you to go visit, just possible reasons for why she's calling you.

If you don't want to go, you can tell her that you feel you've given him plenty of chances and you simply don't see the point of going through it again because you've moved on. Or something like that. I would write something down that's simple and to the point so you're prepared to talk to her. If she starts whining or won't take no for an answer, you can just say you're sorry but your decision is final and you won't discuss it further.

Good luck. It sucks having to deal with this, but it will be behind you soon enough.

[Selkie]

Brandi -- Lots of advice here (I agree with Crankin's---she is a smart, wise lady). That said, you have to do what's right for you.

You are a wonderful person, as is evident in your posts here. You have a very generous heart and you deserve only the best. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing. Sending you lots of good karma.

[grey]

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

My husband and his brother had the same experience at their dad's funeral. All these people saying how wonderful he was, dh was wondering if they were all talking about the same guy. His dad was horrible to him, he also tried so hard to have a relationship with his dad and was always kicked for it. In some ways, he's still mad at him, 10 years after his death. We didn't invite him to our wedding, smart choice after what he did at my brother in law's wedding.

Long story made short, when dh was 8 his dad decided to run off with blonde bimbo secretary. Had another son. Dh put himself through college working in the tennis pro shop at a nearby resort. His dad showed up with his boy for a tennis tournament and ignored my husband's presence at the same tourney!

Dh decided years ago not to put up with lying, abuse, or anyone trying to crap on him ever again. Sometimes he draws that line in the sand too quickly, but the man was an *** who didn't want a relationship with his older sons.

Don't go if you don't want to. Personally I think it would be self defeating and self inflicted torture to go. Who needs that? Be with people who love and respect you.

[spindizzy]

This post tugs at my heart.

My father died earlier this year. He had an abysmal upbringing. He was left by his biological mother with father and 1st stepmother. They divorced and nice stepmother was replaced by a wicked, evil, body-beating stepmother. His father was weak and did not stand up for him. To make matters worse, my father did not know who his biological mother was until he was in his 20's. To his credit, he accepted her in his life.

My brother and sisters were all able to see my dad before he died. I admittedly, had the best relationship with him. My siblings share your ambivalence. As we have many times, we recounted all of the stories of our own childhood: the good times, the separation (x2), the divorce, siblings changing parents in different provinces. Parents fighting over kids. Depression, alcoholism and other substance addictions are ever present in our family tree.

My siblings question their feelings about their relationship with our dad, still. I believe my father was a lonely person (only child), who was looking for a family. His relationship with each of us was different. And coloured by his own upbringing. I'll never forget his vehemence toward his 2nd stepmother. He had Lewy-body dementia and was in hospital before we were able to place him in a veteran's home. He begged us to get him out of the hospital. He took me aside one day and said "Get me out of here! I hate this place! I hate this place as much as I hate Ada!" (stepmother #2) This hatred, that he was never able to let go of, permeated his whole life.

So I counsel my siblings to let go, to understand that we are all imperfect and some of us have the strength to rise above our shortcomings. We all have different expectations and perceptions of our relationship with others. I don't want them to wallow in a place of sadness. I'm sure my dad tried but the lack of love and acceptance in his childhood had him searching his whole life. It makes me weep still. Then I extrapolate that to all of the children in this world who are in homes with violence - no love. And I wonder what their lives will be like.

Enough of the thread-jack...

I support the wisdom shared in this thread. You will do what is right for you. You have to find your place of peace. What you can live with. No regrets.

Hugs.

[MomOnBike]

Brandi, it sounds to me like you are asking permission to stay away.


Permission granted.


The people in your life who love you and go out of their way to interact with you and show you their love are the ones you have an emotional debt to. Not the man who did his best to cut you out of his life. You owe him nothing.

[Giulianna23]

I am in a similar situation...I live 15 minutes from my Dads. I pass in front of his house every time I go to the Gym. He is about 71 y/o I think ....and he is Diabetic..I heard he is going blind and having a hard time with his health. I know one of my Nieces do the run around for him. I think she does it because now she have transportation provided from him so she can take him where ever he needs to go and she gets to keep the car to go to college and hang out with her friends. He is paying for insurance gas and everything. Anyway...everytime I pass I feel like stopping to talk to him and see how he is doing...but the way he always treated me and my brothers stops me from doing it. I forget about it for a couple of days and then I end up passing in front of his house again and think about stopping the car and knock at his door. He was a very mean person and I do not feel angry towards him..but sadness...and I am affraid he is still the same regardless of his age and health. I am affraid to go visit him and find out he hasn't change. It is a very hard decision to make. But whatever you do...do it because you want to do it. Because it comes from the bottom of your heart.


BTW...WE grew up without him..no child support nor nothing..We didn't met him until I was 25 years old. He couldn't even make up for all them years. We gave him the opportunity but he really did show he have no Heart ( dunno now though). He is all about money and material things. So bad that he never took care of us nor my mom...she raised us by herself while he was making all the money and living the good life. Cars, Harley Davidson, Vacations etc etc.

[Brandi]

You know I don't really think it is permission I am looking for (or maybe it is). Everyone has a story and from this thread I was right. I am looking for wisdom and experience. And so appreciate everyone's opinions, stories and wisdom.
In the back of my mind I think "am I a mean for not going to this man and giving him what he wants (or she wants) on his death bed"? And then reason comes in and says "You owe him NOTHING".
You could almost say one of my worst habits is feeling guilt and always saying sorry. But that comes from an abusive step dad that overreacted to everything I did I think.
Anyway hey I did finally get a bike ride in yesterday and it was wonderful! Hoping I get one in today as well.
I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.
It is funny but I feel a little like a little girl right now. Interesting.....

[redrhodie]

Brandi, your note sounds perfect. Short, simple, and honest. No one gets hurt.

[Melalvai]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

[shootingstar]

I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.


And don't put a return address on the envelope. Right now, the problem is not even him. It's his ex-wife.

A few words from you may mean something....I mean who wants to die alone?

[channlluv]

I have really mixed emotions on this one, too, having lost my father to cancer two years ago. I had kind of a similar relationship, which is to say, not much of one, with my father. He abandoned my mother, two younger brothers, and me when I was four. Never paid child support, rarely took us for visitation, etc.

I'll skip the long story, but know that I can empathize with you. When I did go back to see him about a month before he actually passed, his wife (whom I adore) told me he'd told her I was the biggest regret of his life. Now, on the surface, this looks like he was saying he regretted never having had a real relationship with me. I'm the only one of his six acknowledged kids that didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up. (When I graduated college, and moved back to my hometown, I did some searching and found out where he worked. I went there to surprise him -- I was 21 and he hadn't seen me since I was about ten or eleven. He didn't recognize me. I had to introduce myself.)

Anyway, biggest regret...because he never got to be a father to me, or because I was an "accident" and he was forced - literally, a shotgun wedding - to marry my mother and then had two more kids in short order. She was 21 years old with three kids under the age of four when they split. He was 24. And stupid. And he never got to finish college because he had to support his family and the pressure of being an adult drove him to drugs and other women, which nearly drove my mother to suicide....long story, as I said.

So biggest regret...that he didn't know me or that he didn't wear a condom?

That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday.

Much, much love to you. Can you take someone who loves you with you? Someone who can pull you out if it gets too painful?

Good luck with this decision.

Roxy

[goldfinch]

Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .




I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Good posts with lots of wisdom.

[ladyicon]

Do not feel guilty for not going. He does not deserve you at his side after he has snubbed you all these years. Be good to yourself and dont go, but do not feel guilty.
If you feel too much guilt, then go see him.
As you can see I support both sides. just do what you feel is right for YOU.

[salsabike]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melalvai
Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by channlluv
I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Originally posted by Goldfinch
Good posts with lots of wisdom.


Yes. I think so too.

[Brandi]

I sat and wrote a letter to him today. Don't know if I am going to send it. I might just go down to the beach and give it to the ocean. I felt better after I wrote it though. And it really seemed to pour out. My hand got tired from writing. Ha i think i type way more then I write anymore.

[Brandi]

I am feeling a little better every day i am home. Have an acupuncture session tomorrow and a belated birthday message on Thursday. By friday I should be in a good space. I will let you all know what I decide. Your support has been soooo awesome! I mean wow you are all worth a million to me. If I could buy you all coffee (or a beer) I so would! A girls night with all of you would be so much fun!

[Brandi]

By the way I would have to drive 4 hours to Los Angeles to see him. * hour round trip, I just spent time on the road so driving any place is also well ehhhhhh don't wanna.

[lph]

If I could buy you all coffee (or a beer) I so would! A girls night with all of you would be so much fun!

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime :) Cheers! *clink*

[Brandi]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.
That is a very interesting story! Seriously! And about the medical stuff I do know some. He has been prone to skin cancer mainly because he was a surfer and a gardener. And since I am a sand sculpture I have taken to protecting myself out doors and see my derm Dr once a year. As far as the other things he has problems with I am not sure. And if I ask I am afraid it will open a cans of worms.

[Brandi]

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime :) Cheers! *clink*
Oh I like that! We should set a date and anyone who wants to join has to be on at the same time and having a cold one of their choice and we all should take a picture of us enjoying it! Oh we should do this! I am going to post a new thread and see how many of us can join!

[Brandi]

Hey, we can have a virtual beer party anytime :) Cheers! *clink* So what what is the time diff for you. We have to try and line up the beer party to when you can hopefully.

[lph]

Since whenever I post seems to be like 4 am in the morning for most of you, to be honest I'm probably out.

Or I get to hang out with those of you who are still boozing at 4 am, which should be fun :D

No, just go set a time that works for the us gals, and I'll post a photo on the thread anyway.

[Brandi]

So I will set the scene here. Taking a lavender bubble bath, pumpkin beer, fav kitty in the sink keeping me company, phone rings, husband yells "it's her". Then I hear her voice on our machine saying things like "I know you don't care" " I don't know what your mom told you but your dad paid child support" " He did what he was supposed too" blah blah. OMG I might have to call the phone company and see if I can block her #. My bath beer and kitty moment was ruined. Siiigghhhh

[spokewench]

Sorry, Brandi - she sounds like a toxic person. She is just trying to make herself feel better, certainly not you, and most probably not your Dad.

[redrhodie]

It sounds like she's very controlling and manipulative. I would not return her call. You owe her nothing. Delete the message and move on. Another beer is in order!

[Brandi]

It is amazing how it did make me feel a little cr*appy. I started 2nd guessing myself. "Am I a bad person"?
But I snapped out of it I know better. The head game she is trying to play with me I realize is for he own. I really wanted to call her back and yell at her "YOU DON'T KNOW ME, AND DON"T ASSUME I AM ANYthING"! Then I realized it would be a waste of my energy.
She did say he was dyeing of cancer. And that he had on Monday last week a "Brain thing" as she put it. Nice huh?
Ok done ranting, have to take all 3 cats to the vet for a check up early this morning. Good distraction you know.

[Blueberry]

Can you mute the phone/machine and have your partner screen the calls/messages. You might rather hear the information filtered - maybe it would be less stressful (and you could at least not have good times interrupted by her). We use mute/do not disturb/phones off a lot around here.

[ny biker]

This makes me think of the Cheez-It commercial with the immature cheese.

La la la la - I can't HEAR you!!! La la la la - I can't HEAR you!!!

If she leaves another message, do that really loud while picturing a wheel of cheddar cheese. ;)

She knows the version of the story that he told her. You know the one that you actually lived. It is important that you come to terms with it, in your own way, for the sake of your own emotional well-being. But you don't owe them anything.

(p.s. What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?? NACHO CHEESE!!!)

[Trek420]

If she leaves another message, do that really loud while picturing a wheel of cheddar cheese. ;)

Or in your best Ernestine the Operator voice "If you'd like to make a call please hang up and dial again. Beeeeeeeeeeep ..." :rolleyes:;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UBRcZDHxa8

[Brandi]

We have decided if she calls back my dh is going to tell her to stop calling and to leave us alone and he is going to add it is none of her business and to not assume she knows me because she doesn't. I don't like her calling and wondering if every time the phone rings if it is her. I would mute it but it is our business line. Like I said before glad she doesn't have my cell #!

[PamNY]

Brandi, I've been reading and not posting -- you have gotten good advice, and you clearly are a smart person with a good heart.

Looking back at times when I stood up for myself with difficult family members, I don't regret it. For what it's worth, I think you are on the right path.

Sending you warm wishes and hugs.

[Brandi]

Thank you!

[Irulan]

Caller ID lets you know when to not pick up.