coping skills

[redrhodie]

My dad and stepmother are coming for about a month. They're not staying with me while they're in state, but I'll be seeing them a lot. They drive me nuts. I love them, but really, they're hard to be with for even short amounts of time.

How can I relax when they're driving me crazy? I need help. I want to be able to spend time with them, and not pull my hair out. Any ideas? I asked my stepsister, who they stay with when they come to visit, how she does it, and she said "I drink a lot while they're here." I can see where they would drive her to drink, but that's not an option for me.

Any ideas?

[jessmarimba]

Big question is, what do they do that drives you nuts? Perhaps we can figure out how to mitigate their nuttiness...

My first suggestion would be the more structured the activities, the better. Or do things that don't really allow for human interaction (ie, theater rather than art museum).

(My second suggestion would be to time your next bike wreck so they feel obligated to behave in your presence...worked for my mom's visit last summer! :p )

[Blueberry]

I agree that more detail might help us come up with creative solutions. The other thing I would say is carve out time for you - where you know you won't have to deal with them (date night, rides, etc). That way, you know you'll be getting a break. That always helps me.

[spokewench]

Not knowing how they drive you crazy makes it difficult to give you suggestions, but here goes:

Parents, even if they are step-parents, usually have history with us and because of this history they drive us crazy. What I try to do is think of how I would deal with these people if they were really strangers and act accordingly. I use this tactic with my husband sometimes too when he is driving me crazy! Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

The next scenario is that I try to remember that the time I am spending with them is short, that controversy will not help and that if they were not here to drive me crazy anymore, I would be unhappy. So, I try to make the best of it. Be non-judgmental and hope for the best.

That's about all I can offer now, but hang in there - it will be okay!

[redrhodie]

Well, my dad's a Rodney Dangerfield type. He can be funny, but a lot of people find him offensive. I can deal with that side of him. I actually can't help but laugh at some of his antics. But, bringing him to a museum, he'd make fun of everything, then maybe fall asleep. He's like a 5 year old.

The main thing about them is that they are both constantly talking at the same time. It gets louder and louder until they're both yelling, trying to be heard over the other. My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

[Veronica]

Well since you don't really care about their stories - just kind of tune them out. Or work on ways to turn the conversation to something more interesting. Or interject weird stories of your own into it. "You know your neighbor reminds me of..." "My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..." :D

Veronica

[redrhodie]

"My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..." :D

That's brilliant! :D

[redrhodie]

The frustrating part is, my dad has a lot of good stories, but those don't get told. I need to try to get some of those out. Now I'm getting an idea. Maybe I should try interviewing him, preparing some questions about my family history, his childhood, that kind of thing.

[tangentgirl]

Plan activities with a fixed start and end time. Go to restaurants - so you have to leave - rather than just hanging out at your place. Plan stuff before you have other appointments for the same reason. Whoops, got to go!

[malkin]

For me it helps to be clear about my schedule in advance--especially if it is the same every day--"I'll be riding my bike every afternoon for 3 hours." This works because they value my fitness (and can't come with me).

I also rehearse forbidden topics and how I will not respond. I usually end up falling into the trap anyway, but sometimes I can just sit with a blank look and pretend I'm a wooden carving. This works better and better as we all age. I have also tried responding with an unrelated answer--as if I didn't know where the conversation was heading. A couple of times this has worked brilliantly.

[Crankin]

Well, if you want to escape for a bit, you could drive up here and visit :). You could say it's an emergency bike ride.

[redrhodie]

Thanks, Crankin! Thanks everyone else, too. You know, just writing about this has made me realize the biggest part of the problem is them together. I'm going to suggest to my stepmother that I take my dad for a day. I'm sure she'll be glad to get to do some stuff without him, too. I haven't spent any time alone with him in about 20 years. I'm thinking of taking him to a baseball game, or bowling, then ice cream. Maybe to our old pizza place. I'm feeling better about this now.

They always want to see everyone in a group, and I hate groups. I can make this into something good. I shouldn't just suffer in silence, when it could be fun to see him.

[Bethany1]

I hope your visist turns out okay.

My FIL and his wife are monsters in public. He's the guy that thinks he's funny when he really comes across as a jerk. He and his wife yell at people they think are stupid and bicker back and forth. After the last incident, I told him and his wife to leave and never come back.

When they come visit you, your house, your rules, even if they are family. If it gets loud you could say, "Dad, could you talk a little softer please, it's hard to understand you when you talk so loud and when you keep correcting each other"

Yeah..get the public places, hence my FIL and his wife not coming back. Hang back and pretend not to know who they are. Once when he went to a Taco Bell and exclaimed, "Look! They have real Mexicans working here!" I refused to eat the food claiming I didn't like tacos. And that's a mild public visit.

If they love to talk, get them talking about family stories with his parents/siblings and hers. It's a great way to get to know them better. It was hilarious talking to my mom the last visit and she admitted she saw the old Yogi Bear movie my kids were watching in the movie theater when she was a kid. It was "wow..my mom likes cartoons??"

[tulip]

Remember that you cannot change people--how they behave, what they do or say. The only thing you can control is how you react to them.

[jessmarimba]

Ooh I would definitely try to get him alone and maybe record a conversation, get his stories. That'd be pretty cool.

My dad stops listening when he's had too much to drink. At that point, I make sure he has someone else to talk to and I make my exit.

[Miranda]

I hope you do get to take your dad out alone. Maybe you can send your step mom to the salon for some girl time only activity lol.

Ok... this is partly lame dysfunctional advice... but this is what I've come to in a smiliar situation...

1) have no expectations or "hope" that things will be good... thus when you are already flat on the floor, you have no further to fall with disappointment, somewhat less painful

2) just say "no" and don't go / or do it, activity xyz

3) if present, close my eyes and tell myself that this must be some life character test of strength, and what can I get out of it to better myself in an awful situation

Good Luck!

[Bike Writer]

The frustrating part is, my dad has a lot of good stories, but those don't get told. I need to try to get some of those out. Now I'm getting an idea. Maybe I should try interviewing him, preparing some questions about my family history, his childhood, that kind of thing.

I really think you're onto something here that could make this visit a bit different from your previous experiences. Once a person starts to reminisce they often drop the normal demeanor and kinda go back to how they behaved when they were a kid because they are reliving that time in their life. It would certainly bring a whole new perspective to both of your relationships to share something like this with your dad. I really hope that you can pull this off in the way you want to, good luck with that and best wishes for a better visit.

[tangentgirl]

Good luck, RR. Sounds like, warts and all, you love them, so keep that in mind and make the best of it.

[Susan]

I think the biggest problem with family is that you really love them but they drive you crazy at the same time. So on the one hand, you get angry about stupid thing they do or say, and on the other hand you feel really guilty about that.
I don't have much advice to offer. I love my parents and miss them if they are not here. But only as long as they are not here. And then I feel guilty about it and think that we should spend more time together because I am happy that I have them. Until they drive me crazy within one day...

I try to recall that I love them and stop myself if I start to get angry about something they do and I try to show that I love them. But I don't always succeed.

[rubysoho]

Remember that you cannot change people--how they behave, what they do or say. The only thing you can control is how you react to them.

Agreed.


And repeat to yourself: "It is only a month. This will pass and life will be normal again."

Reminding yourself it is a temporary situation helps with coping. At least they won't be living with you!!

[SheFly]

My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

OMG - I think we have the same parents! And I completely understand where you are coming from. I LOVE my parents, but after a couple of days in my space, I really don't like them that much. And I feel guilty about it - I am the only child [now], and they are in the process of putting my only remaining grandparent into assisted living against her will. I try to remember their situations, and basically grin and bear it. Not sure I could do it for a month, though!

You've had lots of great suggestions, and I particularly like the one about spending some quality one-on-one time with your dad. Good luck, and like Crankin' said - we're not that far away if you need an escape :)

SheFly

[Sky King]

Hope they aren't joined at the hip and you do get Dad time, sounds like you could possibly get Step Sisters help. Love the idea of recording your Dad, and doing the memory thing. My father always had great stories and funny little sayings like "so I said, let them keep the $50,000) Sadly, now he has dementia and those stories are lost. Even though he is still here physically, I lost him about 3 years ago and so wish I had done more Dad time.
Good Luck and just think someday maybe your kids will write for advice about you - tee hee, that is what I tell mine

[Brandi]

Relatives are like fish, after 3 days they really start to stink!
In yoga we are taught to block out all surrounding sounds and just listen to our breathing. I would start now! Start practicing like making a list of things in your head while they are doing the screaming over each other thing.
Think something like colors and try and see them. Red, purple, blue, orange, etc.... and see if that helps. A whole month? Why a whole month? and where are they staying? Can you make lot's of appointments during the visit so you can escape.

[lph]

I don't really have any good tips, but I sure know where you're coming from :rolleyes:

Actually maybe I have one tip. In addition to spending time with dad alone if possible, try to spend some time with them with someone who knows them but who sympathizes with you. Maybe you have a friend who could step in, maybe a hubby. Having someone around to grin and roll eyes with behind their backs can defuse a situation enough for you not to find it so stressful. It makes it a lot easier to rise above things.

[redrhodie]

DBF will come for at least one visit, but I hate subjecting him to it. When I see them, it's an all day affair. You've all given me lots of great ideas on how to curb that. I'll be having some "things to do" to cut it short. They're great for about an hour, then it quickly turns into way too much.

They could be characters in one of those National Lampoon Vacation movies. I'd find them much funnier if they weren't mine. Actually, I think that I hit the nail on the head with that thought. They have a lot of friends, but none of their relatives can tolerate them. I guess the friends don't have the buttons to push like relatives do. Also, their friends have things in common with them, other than DNA.

[malkin]

No wonder it feels like we are sisters here; we all have the same parents!

[redrhodie]

I've been thinking about this thread since they left, and now it's time to update.

I ended up doing what I was thinking of, I spent a day with my dad, while my step mother happily spent the day with her daughter. My half-brother met us for lunch, which was at a restaurant I used to go to all the time with my father when he still lived here, and he had his favorite dish, French Meat Pie, which he hadn't had in years. My brother brought pictures of my father I'd never seen before, and my father hadn't seen in many years. He was young and handsome, pictures in WWII uniform, one where you could tell he was in love with the girl who held the camera (my brother's mother), then at just 20 years old, with a baby, my eldest half-brother. His face was so perfect. I never knew him that way, so absent of hurt and history. So much life ahead.

After lunch, my dad came to my place, which he'd never seen. I warned him about the bikes. He asked me if they were easy to pedal, which I thought was funny. I said yes, unless I'm going uphill. I didn't know he would be coming by, so it was real--not "extra clean for company", the way I usually do for guests. He seemed to like my apartment. I think he saw who I really am for the first time since I was a child.

Then we went out for ice cream, to Newport Creamery, a place filled with memories for us. When I was little, he'd say "want to go for a ride?" and I'd jump into the car in my pajamas with the feet, and he and I would drive there and get sundaes to go for everyone, even Poochie, our dog. This day, we sat at the counter, still the same as I remember it, with its vinyl swivel stools, and ate our coffee ice cream that still tasted like I remember it. It's been there all this time, but I haven't been in many years.

Finally, I took him back to my step sister's place where they stayed, and we just sat on the porch and talked while my step mother and her daughter were still out shopping. They had a great time, so I'm really glad I thought to do this. My dad said it was the best day he'd had in years. So simple, easy, and not at all stressful. A perfect day.

Sadly, they ended up cutting their trip short by a few weeks, because my father's health was getting worse. He was really in distress, in full kidney failure, by the time they got back home. The last couple of weeks have been terrible, very painful, and he was suffering. I thought he'd start dialysis, and bounce right back, but that didn't happen. He died last night.

I'm doing okay. I'm so lucky to have had that last day with him. I'm so glad I didn't avoid him, and that I thought this through and asked for your help. I didn't know how sick he was, or that that would be our last visit.

So, my dad, the funny goof ball who wore his heart on his sleeve, is in a new place. I told him to be there for me when I come, and I know he will. I never for one second doubted that he loved me. Believe me, he was a piece of work, but I was very lucky to have him.

[nancielle]

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Glad that you got to spend some time in places that held special memories for you.

[Crankin]

I am really sorry, Red. But, you have that special memory. There won't be "regrets," hopefully.
And, it sounds like a really fun day, especially the coffee ice cream at Newport Creamery.

[indysteel]

Oh, Red. I am so, so sorry. Your post has me in tears. I am so, so glad that you had some time together in which you relieved happy memories and got to create a new one--where he saw you as you are now. I'm sure he was proud.

Take care of yourself in the coming days, weeks and months. You're in my thoughts.

(((((()))))),

Kate

[OakLeaf]

((((((((red))))))))

What a wonderful memory you were able to make at the best possible time. May the memory of that day lighten your grief.

[mudmucker]

Wow, a very powerful post, based on where you were when this thread started. My condolences to you, and glad that you and your father were able to share those moments together and that it was a good simple day. Those can be the best. This seems to be happening to you lately...making choices that have a turn for the good. (as in the pizza box escapade, uncover crime spree, people get their stolen property back, perps arrested). But this one must really fill your heart.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, redhodie. So glad you spent a great day together with him.

[NbyNW]

So sorry for your loss. I missed this thread last month; I'm glad you got some quality time with your dad while you had the chance.

[Sky King]

Just heading out for a nice ride before it gets hot. I will laugh, smile and enjoy all the beauty around and think of you and your father. Later I will drive to the assisted living and give my father a big hug. Thank you for sharing, you are an amazing woman.

[redrhodie]

Thank you all so much, everyone. Feeling emotionally good today, but physically drained. I'm resting up, and going for ice cream later in Ernie's honor, and you should, too (:) if you want an excuse for ice cream). He'd get a kick out of that.

[snapdragen]

Red, I'm glad you had that last perfect day with your dad. Like Indy, you had me in tears...but smiling too. (((((hugs)))))

[indysteel]

Red, DH and I are going for ice cream now. We'll think you and Ernie. Lota of hugs to you.

[rollinat]

Thinking of you - new to the forum and I know that I don't know you, so I hope you don't mind me posting, but your post struck a nerve with me too. Enjoy your ice cream, what a great way to honor your dad.

[Marquise]

I called my mother on her last birthday and it didn't really strike me until I was telling my then-boyfriend (now husband) about it what a special conversation it had been. She died unexpectedly about two months later and somehow all the things we'd talked about and the uncharacteristic things she'd said made sense - not that she knew was going to die but just in the funny way that life can play out I guess. I think because of that conversation I had an easier time with my mom's death than my siblings did. It has been a few years since she died but every so often she's very much alive in my dreams. I was touched by your story about your father and hope the good times you had with him continue to provide comfort.

[VeganBikeChick]

So sorry for your loss, RR. What a wonderful, touching post.

[redrhodie]

Another follow up to this emotional thread.

My father called me in a dream last week, as in, we were speaking on the phone, so I only heard him. He said he was in a good place, and it was really nice there. He actually said it was "awesome". He told me he was getting ready to go to the next place, that he was really excited about it, but he couldn't tell me more, and he already told me too much. He also said not to worry too much, because everything you do that you feel guilty about is forgiven, and that that is really cool. He made the forgiveness sound very beautiful. He sounded really good. He sounded young.

Anyway, dream or something more, it was pretty great.

[OakLeaf]

Wow, red. What an amazing dream/vision. Thanks for sharing it with us.